Author Topic: introduce yourself here  (Read 70372 times)

James

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #315 on: April 01, 2017, 10:41:28 PM »
Quote
Only people who have known a partners loss can understand this.

We understand this.  The forum where you tell someone: "It sucks that you are here" and you reply: "Thank you."

I've only been here a short while but just writing posts and people taking the time to read them and respond, people who are the only ones who CAN understand, has been a big help.  Just write what you need.

Winnie

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #316 on: April 02, 2017, 11:13:16 AM »
Thank you💗.

MissingBilly

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #317 on: April 03, 2017, 03:11:37 PM »
Hi,

I posted a reply elsewhere, but decided to officially introduce myself.

I've actually been lurking for a number of months, because when DH was diagnosed with cancer last year, it was very very unlikely that he'd beat it. He was sick for about nine months.

He was 55, I'm 50, and never had kids, by choice, and were each best friends, by a mile. He worked evenings, so we didn't really see each other except on weekends, but we messaged each other constantly. Worked at the same place for many years. Didn't really see that many friends socially, because when we had time available, we really just wanted to be with each other. Definitely textbook introverts.

So, needless to say, I am terrified about how I am going to do without him. I am functioning pretty well three weeks in--things that need to get done are getting done, and I am very lucky that we had done all of our estate planning and gotten all of our ducks in a row and so there is very little I have to worry about right now.

Other than the prospect of living without the man who meant everything to me. I'm also without my mother since a few years ago, so I've gone from a life where I had everything exactly the way I would have wanted it to what feels like a smoking blast crater. I'm also one who tends to withdraw, so the friends buzzing about are making me anxious. :)

I'm trying to not think ahead, and just pay attention to what's in front of me, but that's generally not how this brain works. But I truly have no clue what my future will bring--we were getting ready to cut back on working, so my job doesn't really hold much interest (x2 given that we both worked there). Our hobbies were so intertwined, so it's hard to think about what I might throw myself into.

I believe I will be okay eventually, but for now I'm just bewildered and numb and guilty and so sad that we didn't get more time, while also so very thankful for the time we had together. That we managed to find each other was an amazing stroke of luck--we were just so perfect for each other, everyone has always said so.

That is my rambling hello. Thanks for being here.


Wheelerswife

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  • Widowed x 2.
Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #318 on: April 04, 2017, 04:10:37 PM »
So, needless to say, I am terrified about how I am going to do without him. I am functioning pretty well three weeks in--things that need to get done are getting done, and I am very lucky that we had done all of our estate planning and gotten all of our ducks in a row and so there is very little I have to worry about right now.

I'm trying to not think ahead, and just pay attention to what's in front of me, but that's generally not how this brain works. But I truly have no clue what my future will bring--we were getting ready to cut back on working, so my job doesn't really hold much interest (x2 given that we both worked there). Our hobbies were so intertwined, so it's hard to think about what I might throw myself into.

I believe I will be okay eventually, but for now I'm just bewildered and numb and guilty and so sad that we didn't get more time, while also so very thankful for the time we had together. That we managed to find each other was an amazing stroke of luck--we were just so perfect for each other, everyone has always said so.

That is my rambling hello. Thanks for being here.

I can relate to much of what you have said here.  I joined this club when I was 47 and renewed my membership when I was 51.

My first husband died after a long and protracted decline and we had all of our ducks in a row, too.  But I went from very busy to having so little to do...and that was hard.

It can be really hard not to focus on the future in the early weeks and months.  Somehow, we really want to know where life will go.  My experience is that I really could not have predicted the twists and turns that came.  No matter what, we still have to live in the here and now...and for those of us who don't have children to take care of, that often means that we sit with our aloneness quite a bit.  In my experience, that has been a necessary part of integrating the reality that he (well, they now) are really gone.

I'm glad you recognize that in time, you will be okay.  Life will be different...how could it not be?  Even though I knew this first hand because I had lost my first husband, it still wasn't very comforting after I lost my second husband.  So... don't worry if you can't convince yourself that those words are true.

It was an honor to have been the wife of my husbands.  I would do it all again, even knowing the outcomes.  Am I sad?  Very much so.  But I have to also be hopeful that life has more to offer that will bring me satisfaction and happiness.

Hugs,

Maureen 
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

LynnJoyce

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #319 on: April 08, 2017, 06:01:22 PM »
I'm Lynn. I lost my dear David six year ago on 25 April, 2011.  He died of leukemia, 24 hours after his diagnosis.  He was 47 and it was shock.  He was my rock, my co-parent of my then 12 year old son and the mentor and advisor to my daughter, just entering college. He was such a good dad; though he wasn't their biological father, he so wanted to be a father and a husband.  We miss him every day. 

YWBB helped me through those first difficult years.  Now, looking at the anniversary coming up, I'm feeling the loss yet again. It's been a hard year for me, with breast cancer and several surgeries and having to tell people I'm fine, no, really!  Because you're not supposed to deal with stuff like this alone. But really, you have to, because people say things but don't really want to help.

There are things I want to do: find a better job, with less stress.  Find more friends and a happier life. Figure out how to happy, productive and engaged in creative work. And many days, I'm not sure if that's possible to find.  But I will keep looking.  Despair is the enemy and the deceiver.   Things do change; it's up to me to make sure I'm ready for the next thing. :)

Good to find this place again. Hope I can be helpful. ~Lynn

Still missing you, Dave.

Love2fish

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #320 on: April 13, 2017, 08:56:37 PM »
I am Love2Fish.  Loved one woman for 35 years.  That love arrived at the finish line almost 5 years ago. 

I am not a young widower chronologically speaking .  I am just a year shy of being an octogenarian.  But I am a young widower in ways that I value higher than how many times I’ve been around the sun.

DW and I had the blessing of a year to say goodbye and to realize what a good thing we had all along.  We did that year right.  We did not do every year of our marriage right but we got the last one so right that it made me a better person.  A transcendental experience.  As the year went by I had to take on more and more chores, then caregiving.  During the year I had the unexpected side effect of feeling my heart grow.  It grew three sizes that summer.  I had never in my life imagined that I could love someone that much.  It was such a nice surprise.

Who would not want that again?  I've spent LOTS of the last 4+ years dating (POF, Match, OKCupid, SeniorPeople…) .  Looking for the chance to do it all one more time.  The dating has paid off!  I am seeing a lady that I introduce as “my last girlfriend”.

I know that many of you, 10 or 20 years younger,  don’t think the terms “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” sound right at your age.  I think the terms are appropriate and accurate.  Young love is young love no matter what your age is.


Lisa

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #321 on: April 14, 2017, 09:17:52 AM »
Thanks for posting. Welcome.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

KatieMO

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #322 on: April 20, 2017, 06:15:24 PM »
I'm KatieMO, I'm about six months out from when my husband passed in July 2016. We had only gotten married in 2013 so heh... it's been a bit much.

I'm a young widow, though not as young as most at 32 but still it's a bit of a whirlwind.

My husband Chris and I met in of all things World of Warcraft in 2010. Yes yes I know, I've heard all the chuckles before but it worked for us.

I lost him suddenly from a sub-dermal hematoma, no one knew he had been having brain bleeds over a period of time and ... the last one was it. There was no coming back from it.

I'm still panicky, anxious, depressed, utterly and hopelessly terrified about what is going to happen and have bad days and just... it was good to see that there are others out there who know this feeling.
Life goes on and so do I but damn it'd be nice for the world to stop for five minutes.

FaithOverFear

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #323 on: May 25, 2017, 10:24:25 AM »
Hello. I am SHerbster. My love of 30 years died suddenly at the age of 47. Going from a smile, a wink and an "I love you" to death before my eyes is just as heartbreaking today as that horrible day. It will be 2 years in July and I am beginning to feel myself going backwards in my grief, rather than continuing forward. I have hopes that this site will encourage me to continue this unwanted journey the best I can.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2017, 10:26:06 AM by SHerbster »

Wheelerswife

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #324 on: May 25, 2017, 12:12:55 PM »
Welcome, SHerbster.

It is hard to lose our loves, eh?  I lost my second husband unexpectedly and my heart is broken, too.  Grief has a way of coming back and biting us in the butt sometimes.  We seem to get a grasp on the reality - we wrap our heads around the changes in our lives - we take steps forward - and then we find ourselves going backwards again.

We all have similarities as well as differences on this widow road.  I have been widowed twice and my experiences have been very different; but the one thing I know is that life does keep going in spite of our losses.  I have had to make changes I did not want to make to the life that I wished could have lasted forever.  There have been emotional upheavals along the way, but at the same time, I have persisted in getting myself re-engaged in the swirl around me.  I do it because the consequences of not living (sometimes it is just existing) are worse than what life would be like if I stayed in the hole.  I found happiness and a new direction after widowhood once and I am determined that I will find happiness again.  I do not want to live out the rest of my life with constant sadness and anxiety.  I'm not saying it is easy, but to me, it is necessary.  I am 3 years and 4 months out from losing my second husband.  I have taken an entirely different direction in my career and I am about to move to someplace new for a fresh start.  I know that the change will give me things to focus on besides loss. 

Sometimes, all we can do is put one foot in front of the other.  Eventually, we look back and see the progress we have made.  I needed to have very concrete ways to measure what I achieved.  I have 2 new degrees.  Each course, project, and semester was another step for me.  Every closet I emptied, every shelf I cleaned, every piece of paper I processed was another step.  Now...every job application is a step toward a new future.  Your situation is unique to you...perhaps you can make mental notes of what you have accomplished over the last almost 2 years and perhaps more notes on what you want to achieve in the coming months.  I often have to ruminate on what needs to get done for quite awhile before I can even get started.  For me...things did happen in time and what seemed impossible 2 years ago has been achieved, often with less effort that I expected because I eventually figured out when the time was right.

I'm rambling...I have a habit of doing that...but I wanted to welcome you and give you a virtual hug.  We get it here...you can say anything, really.  Read, post, vent, read some more.

Hang in there,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

BrokenHeart2

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #325 on: May 25, 2017, 05:29:42 PM »
Welcome SHerbster to the group nobody wants to join and I'm glad you found us. 
One thing you may come to learn quickly is that Maureen claims to ramble when all we get is her wise comforting words. 
We are all so different in our grief but I'd like to let you know at 2 yrs I was a mess.  I too found it even harder and felt like I was starting all over again.  I wasn't, it just felt like that at the time.  Baby steps, sometimes you don't even notice them right away.  Be gentle with yourself and do what you can.  Sometimes it felt like 2 steps forward 1 step back and other times it felt like 10 steps back and over time that too changed. 
Come back, read, post if you want.  We're all so different with a common journey that I felt like I didn't feel so alone in what I was going through which allowed me to not feel so crazy.  How crazy was that statement?  :)
Gentle hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Nella

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #326 on: June 16, 2017, 08:12:28 PM »
I am Nella and new here. My husband of 9 years was diagnosed in November 2016 with Liver Cancer and was gone by February. I am left with two girls ages 4 and 7 and have no adult family member in this country. I realized I was feeling worse as the weeks go by instead of better, but reading the posts here helped me understand it is very common to feel worse. Taking it a day at a time.

Dynagirl

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #327 on: August 29, 2017, 08:08:53 AM »
Hi,
My name is Jess and I lost my partner Jamie in March 2016.  He went to work one morning and never came home.  On his way home that day he was involved in a road traffic accident.  He was put in a medically induced coma but his injuries were too severe and he passed away two weeks later on what would have been his 32nd birthday.  At the time of his death we had a three month old baby boy, Zac.  I felt numb for a long time after his died.  I didn't have the luxury of wallowing because I had the baby and at the time I was living in the UK and my parents were in Australia so didn't have their support.  Some people didn't understand how I was coping and I lost a lot of friends.  I didn't understand why he had the die and leave me to raise a baby on my own.  We should have been celebrating the best time of our lives but instead my maternity leave was tainted by what had happened.  Jamie's family and I had a massive falling out nearly a year ago now.  I felt like they didn't support me and Zac much after he died but after the fall out, it's like we don't exist (they didn't even acknowledge Zac's 1st birthday).  In the end, I decided to cut my losses.  I sold my (our) house, packed up Zac and our dog Foster and moved over to Western Australia to live with my mum.  I'm rebuilding things slowly.  I re-enrolled in university and am studying online.  I'm trying to make things better for myself and Zac.  A lot has changed and I feel like I'm ready to move forward but every day is still hard.  I don't think I'll ever get why Jamie had to die.  Sometimes I think that the stages of grief just wash over you, and sometimes I find that feelings just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Zac is 20 months now and he's amazing.  I'm just sad all the time.  Mainly because I just don't see an end to how things are now.  I want things to get better but it feels slow.  Anyway, this is a longer intro than I wanted, so sorry for the headache :-)

Wheelerswife

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #328 on: August 29, 2017, 08:19:09 AM »
Please, no apologies, Jess.

We are here to listen, to have a place to tell your story, and to say all the things that other people don't understand.

I'm sorry you are a part of this club.  I'm sorry your beloved Jamie had to die and Zac does not know his dad.  Relationships with in-laws can be complicated.  Just remember that they are not themselves now, either, as they lost their son.  Of course, that does not mean you have to endure poor behavior from them.  Perhaps starting over again in Australia will be the best for both you and Zac.

I found that studying was good for me, too.  School work forced me to focus my attention, and that wasn't easy for me to do.

You are not the only young parent here who lost their partner.  Keep reading and you will find that even though in your real world, you are pretty alone, there are others in this virtual world who share a similar story.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

oneoftwo

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #329 on: August 30, 2017, 12:39:02 PM »
Love2fish
when I think about what might have happened if I left my husband before he left me- I like to think he would would have your sentiments and thoughtfulness.

Now, I just need to find it for myself- without him