Author Topic: introduce yourself here  (Read 70222 times)

Lost35

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #120 on: March 27, 2015, 12:31:40 AM »
Welcome MamaZ,

I just have to tell you I hear what you are saying; telling your children would be the hardest thing for you to do.  Please know that you are also the ONLY person who could tell them in the way they needed to be told.  You were only ever honest about life and death and what more can a good Mama be?  We need to be extraordinarily kind to ourselves when judging our actions during these times, as we simply do our best, and what more can we do? 

One of the greatest "gifts" of this experience is the gift of forgiveness...  I'm glad you are here.  I'm glad we are all here, though the reasons we find ourselves here are not good.  I can't imagine going through this alone...

Take care,

L.

JeanGenie

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  • Widowed 4-22-2013
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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #121 on: March 28, 2015, 08:36:21 AM »
I have learned a lot about myself and others through this roller coaster ride. I know that I am a good person, some of my "friends" only liked me when I was happy and at my best... grief fucks that all up! I now only have a couple of pre death friends and many more post death friends. My first 2 years were very difficult.. sometime around 2.5 years life got easier. I flirt, have fun and enjoy life much more than I have in the last 3 years. Still not much focus on the future... not sure that will ever come back.

My heart breaks when I read the posts from newbies... what an awful time in life.. then the first year ended and it didn't get brighter.. it just changed but was still blue. I can only hope that things get better as I get older and live through this awful situation.

Tracy, I could have written the same things about pre death and post death friends and how I'm feeling at 23 months.  I'm hoping life gets a little easier when I hit the 2.5 yr mark--although I am starting to see some "happy" moments now once in a while...mostly due to my post death friends.
Hugs to you as well!
I miss how happy I was with you.

Locksley

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #122 on: March 30, 2015, 08:27:15 PM »
Hello everyone  :)
 
I was never a member of YWBB.  I signed up,  but my account was never activated. I'm glad a new site was opened. I've looked around a little, and everyone here seems very friendly. I'm not sure if I'll post often, but it's nice having a site to go where people understand some of the things I've gone through.
 
My wife Kara and I were on our way home from visiting some of her relatives. It was late, we were both tired and a little grumpy, and we still had a couple of hours before we made it home. The thing I remember most about that night, maybe what haunts me most, is that we had just gotten into an argument.  Kara didn't want to travel so late at all: Fast and slightly dangerous storms hit the area we were in at that time of year, and she never liked driving in the rain. I wouldn't listen though.  I had reasons for wanting to get home, reasons that don't matter and never really did. She was right, and me being wrong cost her her life.
 
All I really remember is waking up and seeing lightning cut the sky, hearing thunder like bombs going off. Rain fell on the cracked windshield at a steady pace. There was so much noise and pain and fear in those first seconds.  It was overwhelming. I looked to the passenger seat, and I might have called my wife's name... Then I saw her: Her head tilted towards me, with her dark hair covering part of her face. There was just enough light from the lightning and broken headlight to see that her eyes were closed. She was gone. I knew she was gone...I just knew.
 
That was 4 years ago.  I've lived a hard life, and gone through some truly nightmarish things. But that was the worst night of my life. I have never had many friends, and I lost them all after my wife's death.  I didn't have close family that cared if I lived or died. We didn't have children. We would have; she was pregnant when she died.  I was alone, and it made everything more difficult. I didn't deal with her death very well.  I isolated myself from the world, stayed in my house alone every day for years. I couldn't live life without her. It's not an exaggeration to say that she was the only person who ever cared about me at that point. She was my world. I didn't want to live without her.
 
I hated myself. I still blame myself. When you spend years with someone you love, they're more than just part of your life, more than a partner and friend. They become part of you. Kara was part of me; the best part. When I slept I would dream of her: sometimes nightmares about the accident, sometimes bittersweet dreams of happier times. They were all reminders that she was gone, and I was just a empty shell without her.
 
The guilt, sadness, nightmares and pain were more than enough to cause suicidal feelings. The loneliness made everything worse. The only person who was always there to put her arms around me and tell me that everything would be okay was gone. Without her, there was only silence. It filled every waking second. The drone of the TV or music didn't drown out the screaming in my head for long.  Looking back, I now realize that only another human voice, a caring and friendly voice, could have calmed the storm in my mind. But I didn't believe I deserved to be around another person, even if there had been anyone.  I suffered alone in that screaming silence.
 
Kara was one of the kindest and most compassionate people I have ever known. Her life was about helping those in need. It didn't matter who or what their problems were, she was always there for friends and strangers who needed help.
 
I still have problems, like everyone does. But things are much better for me than they were. I look forward to the future again,  I have plans and dreams. I live my life in a way that I hope Kara would be proud of.  I know she wouldn't want me to suffer...
 
I found love again. I didn't think it was possible that I would, and definitely didn't believe that anyone would ever love me. I do love her, with all my heart.  We're in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting her down, because I can't be there with her right now.  I want to be, more than anything.  But I can't. 

After years, I'm still trying to build a new life.  Part of that is because I didn't try for so many years, and the rest of it...  I don't know...  Maybe I'm just not good enough.  I can't work as hard as I could when I was younger.  I'm overwhelmed by stress and bills.  I get lonely sometimes.  I fall into depression, and it takes days to crawl back out of again.

I've been depressed for the past few days, probably due to nightmares, lack of decent sleep and stress. I admit that I've wondered a couple of times lately if my girlfriend would be better off with my life insurance policy than she would be with me.  I'm not going to give in to my darker moments.  I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't give up.  I already feel like I let Kara down, I'm not going to disappoint another woman I love, not if I can help it. Things get so hard though, and I don't always feel strong enough to get through it.

Anyway...that's part of my story.  I'm glad this site is here.

Lisa

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #123 on: March 30, 2015, 10:42:38 PM »
I'm glad you posted @Locksley Sending a virtual hug. I hope you'll post whenever you want.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

ColSavMama

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #124 on: March 31, 2015, 06:41:00 PM »
Hello. I was just introduced to this website by a very kind gentleman who found me by chance. I had posted on a page on facebook about being a widow, and he messaged me with this link. How wonderful to have a place to go and speak to people who understand. I've yet to find that in the real world.

I am the mother of two children. We lost my husband on December 13th. It's still very fresh, very new, very painful for all of us. While I will never understand the reasoning, I know that I have to be strong and live life for my children. Regardless of how hard it is.

I just wanted to be sure to come and introduce myself. I am now going to go poke around on this site a bit. I did see some forums that look like they are where I belong. I want to thank the man that lead me here, Justin I believe is his name.
*??)
?.???.?*??) ?.?*?)
(?.?? (?.?` ? Meg

Justin

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  • From KY to AZ, USA AKA:MissingMarsha
Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #125 on: March 31, 2015, 06:56:01 PM »
ColSavMama,

I am so glad to see you made over to us! I first found the people here just weeks after my wife died, and it was literally like finding a lifeboat after I been adrift at sea. (A previous version of this forum had been hosted at another site, which is now defunct, but we are rebuilding - we are widows, that's what we do!)

Here, you will find widows in all different stages: from those with very recent loss, to years out. Please feel free to post as often as you like, as we are all here for each other. I think you will also find everyone receptive to personal messages, as well.

Take care, and as we say: "be gentle with yourself".
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

Mel4072

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #126 on: April 02, 2015, 10:22:14 PM »
Hi. I'm Melanie. My husband was diagnosed in July 2011 with bladder cancer. We had 3 kids at home. He assured them that he would be ok. Fought like hell with chemo and radiation. March 24, 2013 he died. My kids were here. Hardest thing I've ever had to do...
It's been 2 years. We were together for 24 years. Lots of good memories. Lots of good living. Lots of problems too but I learned how to work through those and it made me a better person.
"This" has made me a better person. I think twice about judging others. I'm quick to comfort. I worry less about trivial things. I don't hold on to material things like I used to. I live and enjoy. I've learned to love again. It is possible to be ok. 2 years ago, I wondered. And then I grew....

MissingMyJon

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #127 on: April 03, 2015, 07:26:30 AM »
Hi, I'm MissingMyJon.  My wonderful husband died almost a year ago, on April 30th suddenly and unexpectedly during the night in our bedroom.  My beautiful, strong, healthy husband collapsed on the floor in the night from cardiac arrest.  He had no symptoms prior.  He was 28 when he passed.  We were married just shy of 3 years, and only had 7 years together.  I guess it was a good thing we jammed a lifetime of memories in those 7 years.  Who knew.  He was my second chance at bliss, as I had been a disastrous first marriage.  Jon and I have a now 3 year old, and I have 3 kids from my previous marriage.  After almost a year without Jon, I still wake up most mornings wondering how I got here, knowing in my mind this is my life, but still struggling with it in my heart.

I was on ywbb, but didn't post much.  I read mostly.  Not everyone has the words to describe the insanity of widowhood.  I am hoping to break out of my shell and spend more time writing as well as reading, growing with this community.
Jon, your name is imprinted on my life.
I love you, baby.
9/16/1985 - 4/30/2014

Lola2009

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #128 on: April 04, 2015, 12:40:00 AM »
Hi Everyone! I was a YWBB member and avid poster back in 2010/11. My husband died at the age of 30 in a motorcycle accident, I was 29 and we had an infant son. The forum saved me and helped me so much in the early years. I stopped posting as much as life changed a bit, and then I heard about the closure of ywbb and was sad about it but am SO GLAD when I heard this one is now open and thought I would just reestablish myself. I am also running a support group in my area and send all the newly widowed people here as I know how much this format has helped me. I see some familiar names too from early on in my journey! I think my username is the same but I am just guessing at this point!

It's been 5 years for me now and it feels like 500 years and 5 minutes ago at the same time. I feel like a "got this" and yet I am so lost at the same time still. I feel a little stuck. Perhaps because I feel a little lost is why I need to lean onto the community again.  :)
Take it day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath.

IronBear

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #129 on: April 04, 2015, 08:04:53 PM »
I lost my wife of almost twenty five years in 2005 when a cancer that nearly killed her in 1997 came back as an inoperable tumor in her liver. She was just 47 years old and our kids were 20, 17, and 12. This has been a bad week. Laurie has been visiting my dreams again and I found a bunch of photos while cleaning that triggered the dark place again. I discover YWBB in 2006 but rarely posted until 2009.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2015, 08:07:09 PM by IronBear »

Ursula

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #130 on: April 08, 2015, 10:49:01 AM »
Hello, I have been on on the 'old' board where I met many of the wonderful people who are now on this new board. I am so grateful to the founders of this new lifeline, thank you Jess for helping me getting (finally) installed!
I lost Alex my husband on February 15 last year to a drowning accident. He went of to fish and never came back. I found him on a beach the next morning. We have a boy who only just turned two at the time of his untimely death.
I consider myself being in complicated grief because our relationship was very difficult. I am a widow now for over a year. I am struggling with the finality of things and the fact that this situation cannot be changed, that I cannot resolve, make peace, forgive unless I do it myself. I feel utterly destroyed and lost. I am a positive, loving and energetic person by nature but this has just taken me off my feet. I cannot and do not want to let go. I probably still refuse to be in this situation. I am very angry at life, fate or destiny or whatever you wish to call it for being in this misery and for having to not only see myself suffer but above all our small boy who is innocent. I deal with daily life (work, childcare) and 'function' ok but for my taste my nerves are worn too thin, I freak out over minor things and many times our little son is the one who suffers it (not ok). On the outside I am 'so strong' but on the inside I want to howl and kick many many times. I have found a wonderful therapist who listens and guides me but the reality is that I have to get myself out of this hell by myself.  At the moment I live on a Carribeean island, where the weather is mostly warm and sunny and people are laid back which I believe helps my mood. I will return to Europe this summer however and have no idea yet how I / we will cope. Good thing is, I will meet up with some of our fellow wids in Amsterdam, so something to look forward to. Hugs to all of you. I am glad to be able to communicate here. At the moment I am not very communicative but hopefully this will change again. Thank you guys who started this board and all of you who take time to listen and reply.

Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

serpico

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #131 on: April 12, 2015, 12:32:17 AM »
In June of 2013 my wife of 14+ years returned from her fifth overseas mission trip at around 2am. We talked for awhile before bed, and I let her sleep in the next morning, though I did tell her goodbye before going to work. She went to work and we talked briefly on her way home while she was getting her beloved Diet Coke from McD's.  About an hour later when I hadn't heard from her I began to worry, so I left my son's ball practice and retraced her route home from work.

About halfway there I saw flashing lights and an accident scene and I asked a volunteer if that was a Lexus that was crumpled beneath a semi trailer.  He told me to keep moving - thinking I was a rubber-necker - but I explained that I hadn't heard from my wife and this was her route home. Soon after, a deputy came up and asked my name and my wife's name, and he told me she had been in a fatal accident. He then drove me home, where my mother-in-law and two of my three kids were waiting for me. They saw me stagger out of the car and they knew - I'm sure of it - but I had to tell them nonetheless.

It's been a long journey since then. I started dating after about five months and thought I'd found love again but those hopes were quickly dashed.  I then dove back into dating but found that doing so as a 42-year old with three kids wasnt easy. I've since throttled back and am trying to get used to life as a single Dad. Quite honestly, it sucks, but I still have so many things to be thankful for so I try to focus on the positives.

I found YWBB about nine months out, and while I wont describe it as a lifesaver, it was helpful. I've found that I have a different take on things than many on these boards, but I firmly believe that I need to keep giving my opinions rather than trying to conform to the norm on here. It hasn't made me many new friends, but I don't plan on changing any time soon.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

loquaciousloki

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #132 on: April 12, 2015, 10:45:40 PM »
I'm LoquaciousLoki (after my talkative kitty). My husband killed himself about 5 months ago. He was 26. We had been together for over 6 years and married for 2. It's been really hard learning to live without him and realize he won't be in future. We didn't have any children because it wasn't the right time and now we never will. I've lost the most important person in my life and my future.

I've been fortunate that I've kept up with other interests and friends while I was married, because my friends have really come through for me. They don't really understand, most of them are still single, but they try to help.

I'm hoping I can learn something from this site and not feel so alone.

rifatheroffour

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  • Widowed 1-13-13 joined YWBB 6-10-13 Loc: RI
Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #133 on: April 14, 2015, 12:18:58 AM »
So it seems silly to "introduce" myself at this point but I joined YWBB June 10, 2013 almost 5 months after my wife died...27 months ago today(13th) my dear wife, Fal, died in her sleep.  She suffered from Non-specific Interstitial Lung Disease since 2005.  She had been successfully treated on and off with prednisone until June of 2012 when she had to go on 24hr oxygen.  By November we spent a week in Brigham Women's Hospital having her evaluated for a double lung transplant.  Within the week as part of the transplant workup we discovered she had two lumps on her right breast, cancer.  So now she is off the transplant list and we are making plans to deal with a difficult surgery.  Since the breast cancer was early stage we decided to wait until after the holidays for further treatment "just in case" since surgery was going to be a challenge.  January 9th she lost feeling in her left side while her sister was visiting, she was rushed to the hospital fearing a stroke but her symptoms subsided within a few hours and we went back home the next evening.  Saturday she just felt tired all day and we talked about whether I should call her Dr., she said she was just tired.  That night she was to tired to climb the stairs to go to bed, first time she did not go to bed upstairs.  We had to drive to Boston the next day to stay at a friend's for early Monday Dr. appointments to schedule surgery etc.  I was tired and told her I needed a good nights sleep too.  I got her all set up on the couch, phone, water, tucked in etc. kissed her good night and went upstairs. I slept so well that night until 4am when I suddenly woke for no reason then fell back to sleep.  8am came and my two youngest children came to tell me that they couldn't wake mom up. She died in her sleep, hopefully peacefully.

My children, a few of DW's good friends(one in particular), this site and the new friends I have made here are what have kept me sane.  About a year ago I began to realize my heart has the capacity to love still/again. Not sure how that is going to go but I am open to the possibilities.
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

BrocktonDave

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Re: introduce yourself here
« Reply #134 on: April 21, 2015, 09:30:58 AM »
Hey, it's me...  I don't get here often, because I can't get to the site from work...  Strange rules of the Internet. I was a daily visitor of YWBB, and I miss it.  I didn't save off any of the stuff I put there. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but the decision is irrevocable now.

I lost my wife Becky on the Fourth of July 2012.  We went to the movies, and she didn't come home. She had a pulmonary embolism that took her life in 5 minutes. I found YWBB within a few months and poured my heart out to strangers who knew how I felt. You were there for me. I had some pretty strange manic episodes, but you guys understood.  We were married for 10 years.

Through some folks on YWBB I got put in touch with a sweet young widow from California who was my salvation.  We hit it off quickly, she came here to visit family and we met, then I went to CA to visit her and within a few months she had packed up her life and moved to be with me on the other side of the country. I went from being childless to a father of two, then to a father of three.  YWBB truly gave me a new lease on life. Thanks guys. Thanks for the new home.