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Keeping the fear at bay?

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MrsT85:
I need to ask you all that are more "veteran" at this Chapter 2 relationship thing - how do you help keep the fear of the future and all the uncertainty that it holds at bay?  After having a "worst case scenerio" already rob you of your whole life once, how are you not convinced that the other shoe will drop and rob you AGAIN of all you've managed rebuild and the person you've managed to rebuild it with?

30 second summary of why I ask - Tim died in a car accident.  Out of the blue and in a single moment - my whole life was torn to pieces and I was never given a chance to prepare.  Fiance tells me last night that on his day off tomorrow he's going to start calling around and trying to make a doctor appointment to get a spot/sore on his tounge checked that's been stubbornly sticking around for a couple months out, because after consulting with WebMD (which, admittedly, tells everyone they have cancer) he's worried it might be a (according again, to the internet) a very treatable form of cancer.  But since he doesn't know, he's doing the right thing and trying to schedule a doctor appointment to get it checked out.

I haven't been able to stop worrying for even one moment.  I cried all night last night, before I even know if I have a legitimate reason to be worried.  I just can't stop thinking "I'm 29 years old and I'm going to be planning another husband's funeral in just a few short years."       

How do you all deal with uncertainties like this?  I logically know that there's nothing I can do about it, that chances are things will be fine, and I should just proceed and live and love and try not to worry.  But how can you try "not to worry" about an absolute worst case scenerio when you've already been hit with it once?

I just want to be the one who gets to die first next time.  I know it sounds absolutely horrible, but it's true.

Wheelerswife:

--- Quote from: MrsTim85 on April 14, 2015, 12:34:45 PM ---I just want to be the one who gets to die first next time.  I know it sounds absolutely horrible, but it's true.

--- End quote ---

I can't agree with you more on this one.  At the same time, I feel like we need to live the life we have right now.  There aren't any guarantees.  It's hard doing this once...which we have all done, and of course, it is doubly hard doing this twice.  I wouldn't take back the decisions I made to love my second husband -  and to dive into a life with him that turned out to be the most amazing moments of my life.  It hurts...a lot.  But I will take those 3 years and 9 months and cherish every bit of them, because my second husband made me the absolute happiest I'd ever been.  It is worth the pain...for me, at least. 

At the same time, I don't want to go through this again, but I will take that risk some day, because for me (and maybe not some others) having someone with whom I can share deep intimacy is critical to my happiness. I want to be happy again.

I don't know if this really answers your question, MrsTim.  But I understand your fear.

Maureen

Mizpah:
I don't try to keep it at bay.  I keep it right on the surface.  I, too, lost my love in a car accident.  Friday morning we left for work, told each other we couldn't wait to spend the weekend together, and by noon he was in brain surgery after having been hit by a car while standing on the sidewalk - healthy, happy, 28 years old.  ("Funny" part - he was 5 years younger than me, and I thought things like, "Thank Gd I'll never have to live without him because he's younger and I'll die first."  Uhhhh....)  Now I'm with a man who is three years older than me, *never* goes to doctors, doesn't take care of his health very well, works a job that is dangerous in many ways, engages in risky behaviors (rides a motorcycle, goes winter hiking alone - even when injured or ill, etc.), deals with depression.  Now, we don't have the easiest relationship, so who knows if we'll stay together, but I love him like crazy, and it is possible (likely?) I will outlive him.  Every time I call or text him and he doesn't answer, part of me assumes he's dead.  I wait a bit, send another text, "R u ok?"  Wait a bit: "I hope you're not dead."  I tell him all the time that when it comes to his health and safety, he is accountable to others - me, his son, our daughter, that it's not his right to not take care of himself (he quit smoking the day I moved in with him - it was a condition).  What's my point?  I'm scared.  He said something about a job he was on giving him cancer and I made some sarcastic comment about how sensitive it is of him to say such a thing to me, that I love burying men.  I don't think we can avoid the fear, and we know firsthand that even if the stats say we're gonna be ok, that someone is that small percentage and it could be any of us at any moment.  I figure I'll see him after work but anything can happen.  I just try to make sure we don't ever leave mad or go to sleep mad - stuff like that.  I take things as they come and try not to think into the future (a friend calls it "not bleeding before you're cut").  Being a widow so young makes it more likely that it will/could happen again.  The alternative though is staying alone, which is fine.  Doesn't carry the risk.  Or rather the certainty: we're gonna die, and so are they, quite possibly before us.  I meant this to be encouraging.  It didn't come out that way!!!!  Sorry!   

MrsT85:

--- Quote from: Mizpah on April 14, 2015, 02:04:57 PM --- ("Funny" part - he was 5 years younger than me, and I thought things like, "Thank Gd I'll never have to live without him because he's younger and I'll die first."  Uhhhh....) 
--- End quote ---

I've felt this way with both of my serious relationships now.  Tim was 8.5 years older, Fiance is 4 years older, but I have an incurable chronic condition - I'm a type 1 diabetic and have been for over a decade now.  "On average" (which I know in individual cases means very little), having this disease shaves a decade or more off someones life.  Tim's most serious chronic condition was eczema.  Fiance doesn't have any. 

Tim's dead.  Fiance's medical hiccup (whatever it is) is scaring the hell out of me.  Meanwhile, I've been plugging along with an insulin pump, without any serious complications and just one hospitalization over my dozen years with this stupid disease. I used to think (and it gave me much comfort), "at least the diabetes will kill me before he goes" too...

patriciad:
((((MrsTim))))
I do remember well when I started dating my DH2( almost 5 years ago).  I was an absolute crazy lady.  I worried if he was late(turned out he is chronically late), if he had little things on his physical exams that required "a deeper look".  One day, 2 months into our relationship, he gets word that he needs to follow up with a pulmonologist.  Something looking not quite right on his CT scan.  He was a 9/11 responder.  My DH1 died of lung cancer.  All I could think was that God could not possibly believe in irony and throw me that   curve ball again.  I prayed so hard and it turned out to be ok-something to keep and eye on.

I think after having lived through what we have lived through we never look at life the same.  I don't think that is going to go away-maybe fade a bit-but never go away.  That carefree, naive feeling that everything will turn out all right all of the time is gone.  We all know that it doesn't always work out that way.

I have learned to try to live in the moment.  To make plans but live for today.  Life is so fragile and we all know how it can be ripped from us in a minute.   But what is the alternative?  I can not envision a life without people for me to love deeply.  Sadly, grief is the very high price we pay for that. Take one day at a time.  Be with him when he checks things out with a doctor.  Be the nag when he doesn't.  And after all that , understand it isn't in our hands.  You deserve happiness and I guess you have to believe that, in order to take that giant leap back into the world of relationships.

Let us know how everything turns out.  He is in my prayers.

Pat

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