Author Topic: All sense of purpose has vanished  (Read 5782 times)


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    • Eerily Cheerily - upbeat but sarcastic musings of a young lesbian widow
Re: All sense of purpose has vanished
« Reply #15 on: April 27, 2015, 12:16:54 PM »

Interesting that you mention you weren't sure what your sense of purpose was when your spouse was alive.  Looking back, I can't think what mine was either.  ... Maybe I'm looking to regain something that I never had in the first place, making it seem all the more impossible?

And if the purpose of life is as simple as trying to be a good person (which I'm fairly sure it is - everything else meaningful should follow naturally), then it's a standard that's well within my reach.

I don't know what it is about me, but people seem to open up to me far more than before I was widowed.  Regardless of what they're grieving, be it a relationship, a job, a spouse, or whatever hardship they're facing, my advice is always the same.  Surround yourself with positive people and positive things.  Life's too short to waste it on energy sappers. You don't need to know exactly where you're going or your purpose - there is so much we can't control - but you can control the people and things immediately around you.  Cling onto that and make it happen.  It truly makes a difference.
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here :


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Re: All sense of purpose has vanished
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2015, 10:52:29 AM »
Life's too short to waste it on energy sappers.

"Energy sappers" is a very polite way of describing my in-laws, who seem intent on making my life a thousand times harder than it needs to be right now.  Given the fact that I married my wife, not them, they're top of my list of people to distance myself from now that she's gone.  (And I'm sure they feel the same way about me too.)


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Re: All sense of purpose has vanished
« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2015, 07:54:37 AM »
I know it's still early days for me (three months, give or take), but I'm struggling with the total loss of any sense of purpose I had in life.  Everything my wife and I had planned for our future together is gone.  It's verging on a loss of the will to live, and that frightens me - but also comforts me because if anything did happen to me (or if I did anything to myself), I'd be with her, and that's exactly where I want to be right now.

Don't worry - not going to do anything to harm myself.  Just want to get it out there and see if anyone else struggled with the same thoughts.  And how did you overcome them?  Time heals this problem, or did you need to actively work on a plan to refocus your life.

Or at three months, should I even bother trying to figure things out?  I guess there's no rush...

I'm not at three months, yet. Just over 2 (tomorrow will be 10 weeks). I am not going to kill myself, but I also am not going to try to "prolong" my life, either. Nature can take its course, as far as I'm concerned.

I don't make that choice out of depression or sadness. I make it, simply because of the path my life went. I married at 23 and was divorced by 25. For the next 20 years, I basically drifted and got my daughter through school (from 80 miles away, after moving to the city).

I finally met my late wife in July, 2012. Now, she's dead. I have no desire to:

A. Date again.
B. Become this old, bitter, sickly man that can't do anything, anymore (like my dad).

I watch my dad, who still has my mom. He is so very unhappy and depressed. I have no desire to be that old. He is almost 80.


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  • Cancer Widow November 2011
Re: All sense of purpose has vanished
« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2015, 08:31:06 AM »
Hi Brenda,

Sending hugs and peace to you. I am 3-1/2 years out. My husband was my love, business partner, trusted friend, and father to our children. My loss impacted every area of my life in a significant way. I remember the days of hopelessness, despair, depression, and not caring if I continued to live.

I took one day at a time. I had no choice. I had a 18 year old stepdaughter, an 5 year old, and a 2 year old. I was on autopilot for 2 years. It got better. I could laugh again. I looked forward to things. I could think clearly once again. The third year came and I felt like my old self again. I had joy and enthusiasm for life once again. I can now think and talk about my husband without feeling pain. The sadness has turned into gratefulness. I was lucky to have him in my life. He came along and made life better. Then I was set free to live life on my own. I didn't want it but I couldn't change it.

How did I reclaim joy & happiness? I'm not sure. It was a lot of things. I showed up. I worked through the tough grief and single parenting challenges. I believed if others here had began to live happy lives, maybe there was hope that I could too.

Keep the hope. Feel what you have to feel. It's all part of the experience. You can and will survive this. We have your back so you are not alone.

Best wishes for you,
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.