Author Topic: Emotionally Exhausted  (Read 4756 times)

SimiRed

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Emotionally Exhausted
« on: April 15, 2015, 01:36:08 PM »
I walk alone everyday, I try to walk for 2-3 miles.  I have my headphones in, music going, and most of the time I'm missing my late DH so bad I could just collapse and give up. 

Yes, it's been a little over 5 years, but I still hear him, I still see his face, hear his voice!  Why?  His son is EXACTLY like him!  Oh... my son makes me proud, he's amazing, he even talks like his Dad.

I remarried in Oct. 2012, I shouldn't say this...but it has not been a very happy ride.  I'm miserable half (probably more) of the time, I don't feel like "home".  I miss "home", I miss home so much I could cry. 

Some days I ask "Why??"  Why after all I went through with late DH trying to conceive, baby after 10 years of trying, cancer diagnosis 3 years after that, dragging a toddler to chemo, hospital rooms, etc....then my husband dying when our son was just 8 years old.

WHY???  Why do I deal with this crap now?  Somedays I just can't stand myself, I want to keep walking and never turn back.  But I can't, I'm stupid, I'm loyal, faithful... and I feel like a used piece of trash sometimes.

Why?  Cause I hear "I'm not raising YOUR KID", "You should pay 2/3 and I should pay 1/3 of the bills", "Bitch", "I do everything for you", "I LET you hang this here blah blah blah, why don't you feel it's home?"

What is wrong with me?  Is it the fear of loss again?  What is wrong with me that I allow this? 

Time for my walk... Sorry, I just don't even know where to even post this.  But, no one sees me screaming on the inside.  I talked to a friend here a little, but I feel like she's giving me the brush off.
 
So, it's best I just keep to me and my music in my ears. 

I miss my Rick.... he "got" me, he "protected" me, he "loved" me and made me feel like his angel. 



~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

Captains wife

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2015, 02:52:18 PM »
SimiRed, I'm very sorry. On top of grieving it sounds as though you are having to deal with a negative relationship. It is good you can vent here, to get it out. It's good you are getting "you" time as well.

Sometimes I wonder if we "put up" with things in our post widow life because we don't want to give up/turn our back on them....I don't know. I know I have....But I hope your situation improves for you...you and your son deserve the best.

Widow hugs to you.

Trying

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2015, 03:03:33 PM »
Simi first let me say that I am sorry that you are feeling so unhappy.  I think it's important for you to determine if you are depressed or if you are in a bad marriage and then focus on fixing whichever it is or maybe a bit of both.  If it is your marriage you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix.  You deserve to be happy, we all know that life is too short to waste precious time.  Choose happiness and go after it.  I know that is so much easier said than done but just start with walking towards something.

(((SimiRed)))
You will forever be my always.

A Tout Jamais

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2015, 03:06:18 PM »




 Oh, (((Simi))

I heard your cry of pain and would like to bring you some comfort!

I'm sending you a BIG Hug through the ether right now and offer my 'virtual shoulder' to lean on for a while!

Hold on, OK! - Will send you a PM!

ATJ

« Last Edit: April 15, 2015, 06:28:17 PM by A Tout Jamais »
"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"

Sugarbell

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2015, 03:13:46 PM »
First off (((((((Hugs))))))

I remember reading this about your situation.a while back.

The biggie with me....are his comments about your child and 2/3 of the bills. What kind of marriage is that?

I was married to a disaster for 6 months in 2011...I filed and did the paperwork myself as well as my legal name changed back. No lawyers...the whole thing (divorce) took 6 weeks and cost only 200.00

I had to own my mistake....to my kids, family, friends. Neighbors.

Honestly now....the majority of people have forgotten about that mess.

It was one of the scariest but gutsiest things I have ever done. But if I would've stayed I am sure I would be dead by now (not physically abusive but emotionally. We were both addicts and my drug use got worse by the week just to cope)

Hugs!!!!
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

look2thesky

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2015, 03:54:01 PM »
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« Last Edit: April 17, 2015, 08:31:03 AM by look2thesky »

Wheelerswife

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2015, 05:17:29 PM »
Old friend,

I know this is so hard for you and the fixer in me wishes I could fix it all and bring Rick back to you.  I'll encourage you to pack another bin of stuff for the day you make your get-away. 

Love you,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Needytoo

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2015, 05:28:38 PM »
Big hugs to you.  You don't deserve this.  Sending you strength. 

canadiangirl

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2015, 06:55:31 PM »
Oh no SimiRed, you deserve more, we all do.  Sending you courage and strength.  I sincerely get it.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2015, 10:45:40 PM »
SemiRed I'm sorry you are going through this. First off hugs to you.
You are the only one to know what you need to do.  I  hope and pray you find the strength and courage to make those positive changes in your life. 
Hugs.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

SimiRed

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2015, 07:17:16 AM »
Thank you all for listening.  This is my safe place. 

@Sugarbell... Wow, you are so brave!!!  Honestly, I have no clue why I sit here and take it, I don't know what my fears are?  Maybe letting the man I married down?  Maybe I feel like I've ruined his life with false hopes and leading him on?  I am so stuck, some tell me, you'll get tired of it eventually... Will I?  Or am I forever the faithful wife no matter what?

Maureen... the bins are stuffed..I'm waiting for a safe place to put them.
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

fleur

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2015, 09:02:50 AM »
"Maybe letting the man I married down? "
Isn?t he the one who has let you down? The man you married should be your partner and help you to raise and actually love your son.  He should be willing to share all that he has with you not just keep you around to be his emotional punching bag and pay the bills.

"Maybe I feel like I've ruined his life with false hopes and leading him on?" 
You are not responsible for his life - he is.  At the moment, however, you are responsible for your life and the life of your son.  If you can not get out for yourself, get out for your boy.  The environment in which he is growing up is not healthy for him.  When you stay you are sending your son the message that it?s okay to stay in an unhealthy relationship and to treat a woman the way you are being treated.  He may even lose respect for you.  Further, he may not feel comfortable coming to you when he has troubles because he doesn?t want to burden you.  No matter what, there will be consequences, it?s just hard to say exactly what they may be.  Do you really want to tell your son that a man who treats neither of you well is more important that he is?  Aren?t you in fact doing that?

"I am so stuck, some tell me, you'll get tired of it eventually... Will I??
I sure hope so and sooner rather than later.  Life is just too short to be miserable and you have been miserable for too long now.  I am a person who really does believe in the sanctity of marriage but I honestly think that your relationship did not possess the fundamental components necessary to make the marriage solid to begin with.  Unfortunately, this fact makes it hard to justify fighting to preserve the marriage.  You made a mistake but you don?t need or deserve to punish yourself (and your son) for the rest of your life because of it.  This isn?t the first time that I hear that you are dying inside.  I should have known you were still suffering when you did not respond to my post hoping that you had gotten your life back on track again.  In general, I really don't think one should be taking advice from the internet world but I have seen this whole thing unfolding from the beginning and am pretty certain that you know deep down what you need to do.  I want to be supportive of you and apologize if this message is too harsh and not what you needed to hear. Just say the word and I will edit it.

"Or am I forever the faithful wife no matter what?"
Faithful to what?  A failed marriage?  Be faithful to yourself and the boy you created with the person that was deserving of your love and loyalty.

You are the only one that can help yourself - LEAVE TRACEY.

Eddienhp

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2015, 09:08:22 AM »
Hugs to you SimiRed. I hope you figure it out. You deserve to be at peace.
Eileen
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.

IfIonlycould

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2015, 09:23:36 AM »
If your best friend told you this was going on in her marriage what would you tell her to do?

((((((HUGS))))) and support from all of us here.
We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.
Aristotle Onassis

Wheelerswife

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Re: Emotionally Exhausted
« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2015, 09:35:14 AM »
Tracey, my friend,  I know it is hard.  You have a place to go.  Get J through the school year...and make your move.  You know it is right.    My friend fleur has read you right.  J needs you to do this, too.  You haven't failed C.  He has failed you.  Hindsight is 20/20.  He had so many behaviors from weeks after Rick died...to lure you in, professing his long-time love for you, getting you to move to him, then leaving you emotionally abandoned.  You know now that he is abusive.  You've said it yourself.  I personally don't have a clue what it is like to be in your 8 1/2's, but you know it needs to happen.  It is easier said than done.  I think you might be writing here so that you can help convince yourself that you are right and you need to get out.  J is a resilient young man and he will thrive even more when you are in a place that he can truly call home, even if it is with family for now.  Anyone who knows you will support your decision to leave.  Leaving is not failure.  In this case, leaving is success.

I wish I was nearby, because I would help you move those bins of precious memories and follow you down the road to a better place for you and J.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness