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Emotionally Exhausted

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SimiRed:
I walk alone everyday, I try to walk for 2-3 miles.  I have my headphones in, music going, and most of the time I'm missing my late DH so bad I could just collapse and give up. 

Yes, it's been a little over 5 years, but I still hear him, I still see his face, hear his voice!  Why?  His son is EXACTLY like him!  Oh... my son makes me proud, he's amazing, he even talks like his Dad.

I remarried in Oct. 2012, I shouldn't say this...but it has not been a very happy ride.  I'm miserable half (probably more) of the time, I don't feel like "home".  I miss "home", I miss home so much I could cry. 

Some days I ask "Why??"  Why after all I went through with late DH trying to conceive, baby after 10 years of trying, cancer diagnosis 3 years after that, dragging a toddler to chemo, hospital rooms, etc....then my husband dying when our son was just 8 years old.

WHY???  Why do I deal with this crap now?  Somedays I just can't stand myself, I want to keep walking and never turn back.  But I can't, I'm stupid, I'm loyal, faithful... and I feel like a used piece of trash sometimes.

Why?  Cause I hear "I'm not raising YOUR KID", "You should pay 2/3 and I should pay 1/3 of the bills", "Bitch", "I do everything for you", "I LET you hang this here blah blah blah, why don't you feel it's home?"

What is wrong with me?  Is it the fear of loss again?  What is wrong with me that I allow this? 

Time for my walk... Sorry, I just don't even know where to even post this.  But, no one sees me screaming on the inside.  I talked to a friend here a little, but I feel like she's giving me the brush off.
 
So, it's best I just keep to me and my music in my ears. 

I miss my Rick.... he "got" me, he "protected" me, he "loved" me and made me feel like his angel. 



Captains wife:
SimiRed, I'm very sorry. On top of grieving it sounds as though you are having to deal with a negative relationship. It is good you can vent here, to get it out. It's good you are getting "you" time as well.

Sometimes I wonder if we "put up" with things in our post widow life because we don't want to give up/turn our back on them....I don't know. I know I have....But I hope your situation improves for you...you and your son deserve the best.

Widow hugs to you.

Trying:
Simi first let me say that I am sorry that you are feeling so unhappy.  I think it's important for you to determine if you are depressed or if you are in a bad marriage and then focus on fixing whichever it is or maybe a bit of both.  If it is your marriage you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix.  You deserve to be happy, we all know that life is too short to waste precious time.  Choose happiness and go after it.  I know that is so much easier said than done but just start with walking towards something.

(((SimiRed)))

A Tout Jamais:




 Oh, (((Simi))

I heard your cry of pain and would like to bring you some comfort!

I'm sending you a BIG Hug through the ether right now and offer my 'virtual shoulder' to lean on for a while!

Hold on, OK! - Will send you a PM!

ATJ

Sugarbell:
First off (((((((Hugs))))))

I remember reading this about your situation.a while back.

The biggie with me....are his comments about your child and 2/3 of the bills. What kind of marriage is that?

I was married to a disaster for 6 months in 2011...I filed and did the paperwork myself as well as my legal name changed back. No lawyers...the whole thing (divorce) took 6 weeks and cost only 200.00

I had to own my mistake....to my kids, family, friends. Neighbors.

Honestly now....the majority of people have forgotten about that mess.

It was one of the scariest but gutsiest things I have ever done. But if I would've stayed I am sure I would be dead by now (not physically abusive but emotionally. We were both addicts and my drug use got worse by the week just to cope)

Hugs!!!!

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