Author Topic: difficult relationships  (Read 4869 times)

maddalena

  • Member
  • Posts: 151
Re: difficult relationships
« Reply #15 on: April 23, 2015, 02:34:41 PM »
ah, yes.
DH and I were "that couple" too, but what wasn't obvious was that he was a very very difficult person. He had been abused, and a part of him was "broken" for lack of a better way to put it. But we made it work.  We loved each other, and literally WORKED at making the relationship work.  but it takes two. And that's what i take away from your story... YOU made the sacrifice. Is he really interested in you, in your happiness? good luck.
i hope you find happiness and that he is willing to work at it.

SimiRed

  • Member
  • Posts: 310
  • Widowed 9-19-09 Joined YWBB 10-2009
Re: difficult relationships
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2015, 09:28:52 PM »
@Mizpath, I can understand the confusion.  "Sometimes I feel hopeful, sometimes I feel hopeless".  Totally get that!

My first DH and I just "meshed" so perfectly together.. we knew each other as kids, as teenagers, then married when I was 19, we were married for 20 years.  There was such an unbreakable connection there.  Such a GREAT Love!  We just "got" each other, we knew each other inside and out.

Problem now is current DH does not "get" me.  We don't "mesh" well at all on things.  He wants the room brown, I want the room yellow... It's his way that counts, it's his answer that is right.  I have no choice... With my late DH, we made a choice together, the walls could have been brown and yellow striped..but it was a joint decision.

That's where I struggle, I no longer have an opinion that matters.

Difficult, oh yes, very.  I'm not sure if it will ever improve.  I'm not sure I need to wait for it to "improve"... how long should we have to wait?   

@cmf, your dishwasher comment really stuck out for me.  Because my Chapter 2 fights with me over CRAZY little things!  I put a fork away wrong, I load the dishwasher wrong, I get in his way while he's doing something and I should know better than to walk up on him, "what is wrong with you, don't you know better than that by now?"  I walked out once and spent the night at a friends...and of course, it was all my fault.  If he gets mad, I get the silent treatment, I hate the silence!

I am also told that he's sorry that he doesn't hold me up on a high enough pedal stool for me.  I guess this is the same as saying he's not loving me the way I need/want to be loved and that's my fault.  He tells me he loves me all the time, deeply loves me, would be devastated if he lost me.  But, has no problem telling me it's F'ing BS that I didn't fill the wood-stove since he did it this morning.  (I've done it all day!)

I like your statement "It is even more difficult to do so when your whole world is unfamiliar to you, and the usual comforts are gone."  I miss home too. 

Kinda goes on to what RobFTC says, it got better when they moved to a different place that was "theirs" and only "theirs".  I moved in to current DH's house, where he's been for 25 years.  This is his comfort zone, not mine.  It's his stuff and he'll put it where he wants.  My stuff is whereever it will fit.  Did you move into "his" place or did you find a new place together?

Rob, the  difference it seems is you were both willing to do the "work" to keep the relationship.  My DH will never do counseling, they are all wrong and only want your money.  If I bought a workbook, he'd laugh at me and my answers would still be wrong.

I don't have the answers either, but I pray "Someday" we can dig deep enough to find them within ourselves.
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

RobFTC

  • Member
  • Posts: 455
  • Lost Michelle to ovarian cancer 2010/11/07
    • Celtic Journeys radio show
Re: difficult relationships
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2015, 10:46:29 PM »
SimiRed, I feel for you.  Everyone needs to feel they are valued enough to be listened to and considered.  I can't imagine a relationship without the give-and-take, sure-I-can-do-that mentality, which pays off so well.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

IfIonlycould

  • Member
  • Posts: 210
  • Joined YWBB 2008
Re: difficult relationships
« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2015, 09:46:30 AM »
So, this is something I have been pondering lately....because at times my relationship can be difficult...I wanted to really think this through before posting...and right now this is what I have come up with...
I met DH when I was 32 and had never been married.  I had lived with roomates, a brief live in boyfriend arrangement and then on my own in my own house.  I had my ways, my habits...I remember being very reluctant to make the move in commitment to DH.  When DH's lease was up he wanted to move nearer to me, I remember telling him he could only move so far north and no farther.  In the case of a break up I did not want my grocery store, video rental and dry cleaners all to become his places.  He moved to a flat on the border line of the cut off I had set..not a lie!  (God, who did I think I was?!?).  Slowly things evolved and we moved in together and subsequently married.  I called most of the shots (ya think?).  He pretty much went along with whatever I planned.  He was very complacent that way.  Well, see where this is headed? 
My BF now has never been married and was quite content in his aloneness, also set in his ways.  And this of course is where most of the conflict comes from...I am having to learn how to compromise...and sometimes I don't like it...cause sometimes I'm a brat...and sometimes so is he.   So our relationship can be tumultuous at times.  But I have come to realize there is a good solid base there.  I need to be willing to let go of my old ways and be willing to recognize BF for who he is in the relationship.  We are both learning, and I think that is the key, we are both willing to figure out what it takes.
It is difficult recoupling when we thought we had "the one" and we were so used to the pattern of life with them.  It was comfortable and safe, but when I honestly look back I realize it had issues too.  I wonder if DH thought it was more difficult than I did given the dynamic we created...I somehow think he probably did and I just didn't realize it.
We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.
Aristotle Onassis

look2thesky

  • Guest
Re: difficult relationships
« Reply #19 on: May 04, 2015, 12:34:05 AM »
When you move into someone else's house or domain, it should be 50 50.
Decisions finances compromises. I wouldn't think of giving up what it took decades to acquire ie my house.
I had several offers to move in with someone to share bills have a relationship etc.
I can't be without my own space. My decisions, my wants and needs.
As we get older I think we all get set in our ways.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of DW and what She meant to me.
I've stayed on the house for 25 years. I could have easily sold and left.
It's hard to move. Very hard to establish new boundaries.

look2thesky

  • Guest
Re: difficult relationships
« Reply #20 on: May 04, 2015, 12:44:28 AM »
.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2015, 11:18:07 AM by look2thesky »