Author Topic: Mingling with bfs people ;-)  (Read 2063 times)

Momtojandj

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  • Widowed since 10/2012 . Living in NJ
Mingling with bfs people ;-)
« on: April 23, 2015, 06:38:25 PM »
Quick recap, dating guy since August . My kids and his all met each other in December . Have had a lot of joint get togethers etc. He has custody of his kids, so I see them a lot. His kids are a lot younger than mine.
 His 8 year old asked me to come watch him play baseball. So I went tonight, bf is coach. Very surreal, felt like I was dropped in an alternate universe. His ex wife's mom was there , everyone knows everyone. Then there's me... Bf coaching so he can't hang with me or introduce. I realize , relationships take time.. All of them , meeting friends etc. Now he asked me to come to his sons communion, and then his daughters confirmation. I don't know if I'm ready to meet all these people . 😬 I have met some of his family , but now all of the exs family as well will be there .
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

TooSoon

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Re: Mingling with bfs people ;-)
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2015, 08:23:19 PM »
If I was in that situation (and I have been and expect to be again), I would do what felt right for me.  If it means a whole lot to him and he expresses that, then maybe give it special consideration but if you're not comfortable or ready then it is ok to say so.  I'm glad to hear things are going well generally though!  We are getting all of our children together for the first time next month in Liverpool.  Adp's kids are 17 and 22 and mine is 8......hoping for the best and counting on it being interesting, at the very least, and hopefully amusing and maybe even fun for everyone.....I am sure he would understand if you felt more comfortable begging out on some of the bigger family events.  All in good time.  Hugs!

maybenot

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Re: Mingling with bfs people ;-)
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2015, 11:25:09 AM »
I just had a similar thing with my bf.  His Mom's 92nd birthday with all of his family present. It was very informal and I do like his family but it was awkward.  We met on match almost a year ago and have been going strong since.  Despite many invitations over the last 5 months, this is only the second time I met them. 

It is great that your kids are getting along well!  Baby steps. :D

mawidow

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Re: Mingling with bfs people ;-)
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2015, 12:56:58 PM »
I love the advice so far.

Has anyone seen those cowboy movies where the cowboy is riding a horse at full gallop and has to jump off and get in the saddle of another horse that is running alongside at full gallop? That is what midlife recoupling feels like to me. SO MANY MOVING PARTS and making change and compromise. I am just waiting to land upside down on my head with horse hooves everywhere.

DH and I had no parents, no extended family, and no children. Many times, I miss the simplicity. New guy has a cast of thousands - an ex, two little girls with multiple grandparents, step-grandparents, new stepdad, cousins...  Divorce is hell, I am realizing, and all the anger and animosity is utterly foreign and uncomfortable for me. I want to barf when I think about stepping into this clan as a complete outsider. I am an introvert. And we are entering a season full of birthdays, end of school performances, cookouts, etc.

My plan is to follow TS's advice and do what pleases me unless new guy or the girls make it clear that an event is a really big deal to one of them. I have plenty of my own commitments to fulfill. I love and am dating new guy, not the entire clan. What they think of me is none of my business. And my galloping horse is just as valid and important as his, even if mine is a lot...quieter.

Sending support. Keep us posted.

Sugarbell

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Re: Mingling with bfs people ;-)
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2015, 03:13:28 PM »
Go with how you feel...your gut.

I have met some of new guys friends, a couple siblings, etc. it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all...but that's me-Meeting new people is easy and I look at it as like I would anything (whether romantic or not)

My problem is allowing him to meet people in my life. I admit I am ultra private anymore. He's met a few of my close friends..but hasn't gone to any games or be around any Stepfordifes...nor has he met my crazy family. I might bring him to a game this weekend (but my kids play baseball in the city not Stepford) and he will meet outlaws possibly my parents...God help me..
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

TooSoon

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Re: Mingling with bfs people ;-)
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2015, 05:43:04 PM »
Meant to add, when Andy was here last week, my daughter had spring concert at her school.  When I told her I couldn't go because I taught a class at that time, she said, "No problem!  Andy can come instead!"  So first I had to tell him there was sort of no getting out of this one (he was fine with it) and then I had to tell my mother that she would have to bring him along because I would have my car at work.  I was Very Clear that this was coming from M and not from me and, while I know she was just mortified by the whole thing (presence of widowed daughter's British boyfriend makes my mother extremely uncomfortable), she went along with it.  And M was delighted!  Again, I think it is knowing when it matters and when it doesn't if that makes sense.