Author Topic: Our suggestions for the newly widowed  (Read 12281 times)

Lmsmdm

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2015, 04:27:54 PM »
My best friend was widowed 20 years before me.  She swooped in and slept with me that first horrible night alone. Talked when I wanted to, and sat in silence as well.

She then gathered a small army and cleaned my house for the upcoming memorial, however I believe with the cleaning she fulfilled a little OCD fantasy of hers  ;D. My clean is her filthy ha ha.

Anyway, the point of this post.  Before she went home after the memorial she sat me down and told me she was going to call me every night. I had to do one thing everyday, and taking a shower and feeding the cats didn't count they were mandatory. If I ignored said phone call she would come over.

It didn't matter how big or small the task was. It could be as small as watering the plants, or as huge as one of those horrible phone calls, to the bank, insurance etc.

I truly believe that it helped.
You hate me don't you? Yup, so much I married you twice! :)

the_master

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2015, 11:29:31 AM »
I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.

This was me at 4 months mark in July last year. Very dark times.

I'm so sorry for even posting this for I know there are a lot of widows(ers) that lost their spouses to suicide. I'm at 5 months and I found myself one morning (few weeks ago) with his insulin pen...opened...wasn't a bad dream. I go on contemplating I'll just have to go through with the paper work and then I can just go with him. I've been suicidal before, that's no secret but when it hit's me, all I can think is I want to go. it's just so strong the feeling when it hits me (today not, thank goodness) and it's so real. I'm one of those that lurk. Recently I've posted a few. And everything is just awful. The flashbacks, the feeling everything was a dream (please wake me up from this nightmare!!!!). But why?

I gave myself one year. Either it gets better or I'm done. Why the F!!!!!!! Shiish this sucs!


Suicidal thoughts and thoughts of pointlessness are normal for us wids. Hang on and reach out to us! YWBB caught me. We shall do that to you. Don't be afraid!

Jen

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #17 on: May 01, 2015, 03:57:12 PM »
I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.


I'm pretty much in the same place. I was close to suicidal six months ago (had a plan and everything, though not a great one). That's passed now, I'm not going to do anything, but I have no interest in prolonging my existence. The really sad thing is that I'm 40, in better health than I've been in years (physically), and I absolutely hate that my life ended at 39. It's not fair. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and for the first time in years-- maybe the first time ever, to be honest-- I actually like what I see. And it's wasted, because I'm just waiting around to die. :(
« Last Edit: May 01, 2015, 03:59:06 PM by Just Jen »
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

the_master

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #18 on: May 04, 2015, 12:23:31 PM »
I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.


I'm pretty much in the same place. I was close to suicidal six months ago (had a plan and everything, though not a great one). That's passed now, I'm not going to do anything, but I have no interest in prolonging my existence. The really sad thing is that I'm 40, in better health than I've been in years (physically), and I absolutely hate that my life ended at 39. It's not fair. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and for the first time in years-- maybe the first time ever, to be honest-- I actually like what I see. And it's wasted, because I'm just waiting around to die. :(

I know exactly how you feel. Personally, I have type 2 diabetes, hypertension stage 3 (blood pressure is sky high on a daily basis), and I don't care one bit...

I died on 2/19/15... I'm just waiting to stop breathing. I'm 46 and spent the bulk of that alone. No desire to do another 40.

tinks

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2015, 07:11:51 AM »
Going into my 9th month on this journey I have found that exercise no matter what it is has helped. I started out just walking the dogs, then I started using groupon to get discounts on classes that I now take with a couple friends weekly. (Zumba has been the best one so far) I have recently started to run 3-4 times a week its my 20 minutes of peace just me, my thoughts and music. I also try to drink lots of water. But most importantly be patient with yourself, rest and take the help when it is offered.

CherrY

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2015, 04:42:28 PM »
Take time to do nothing sometimes !!!
Well meaning friends will worry or judge you for doing nothing or just starring at the dumbest shows on TV all day long.
But it's normal and it can help. I know it did for me. Picture your broken heart like a broken leg. You have to stay immobilized for it to heel. If others can't see the cast on your soul it doesn't mean it's not there (and helping). 

sojourner

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #21 on: September 25, 2015, 10:55:43 AM »
I went to my first grief support group last weekend. Several suggestions seemed pretty helpful with some practical matters of daily living.

One was to put some lights, and maybe a radio/music/TV, on timers so that something would be on first thing in the morning and/or last thing at night; that way, you don't have to wake up in (or come home to or go to bed in) a dark, too-quiet house. (I still have kids at home, but when they're out, the house seems way too quiet.) Another was to regularly, even daily, make conscious plans for something you enjoy and write them on your calendar, to have something to look forward to. Another was that if you feel self-conscious eating out by yourself, taking along a book or sudoko or something like that to have at the table may help make you more comfortable.

Hope these might be helpful-
Sojourner


Quixote

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #22 on: September 25, 2015, 11:36:40 AM »
Friends you thought were close will let you down--  not in a purposeful way, but some people just can't be around others in pain.

Friends you didn't really think of as close will be the ones over at your place with a hot dinner and an offer to do laundry.

Everyone will pitch in until about two weeks past the memorial/funeral.  Then they'll be back to their old lives, even family members like parents and siblings.  And you'll be in that empty house.  Be ready for that.

Be prepared for people to say incredibly insensitive things, often in the guise of wanting to help.  Don't take it personally--  no one ever really knows what to say.

Don't worry about "moving on" or anything like that right now.  It's okay to curl up with old love letters and photos, watch videos of your lost loved one, all that stuff.  They just died! 

Set a routine in the morning and try to follow it.  My dog always got me out of the house, because I lived in a condo and had to at least walk her to the corner in the morning.  Find something similar to get you going.  Tell yourself you'll go back to bed later if you have to.

kevinhile

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #23 on: November 01, 2015, 11:47:49 AM »
Some very good advice here, thank you. My husband, Jim, died less than a week ago from a blood clot in the lung. Very sudden and unexpected. It hurts because the man was so full of life and believed himself immortal. I had been with him for 10 years and though we would have 30 or more together. I have never experienced so much pain, but I don't want this to change me, I don't want to not be the man that Jim loved. I miss him so much

Jess

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #24 on: November 01, 2015, 11:57:46 AM »
Kevin, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Jim. I had about 10 years with my husband, Joe. He too was full of life and always made me laugh. I have changed over the last 15 months. There is no way I couldn't because my life had changed in worst, most dramatic way possible and I had to adapt. But, something I have learned is these changes do not mean I am further from being the person that he loved, but rather I am changing in ways he would be proud of and would understand are needed to survive this new reality.

I found this group of people very early out as well and I credit them with helping me process my grief in the healthiest way I could. I still credit them all with that because my journey is always ongoing. I hope you find this group of amazing people as helpful as I have. Take care of yourself the best you can and keep on sharing. We are here.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Jen

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2015, 05:47:54 PM »
Kevin, I lost my Jim to a sudden blood clot to the lung as well. I am so, so sorry. (((((HUGS)))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

ManutesGirl

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2016, 06:28:45 PM »
I don't often come into this section but tonight I did.  As I read all your stories it brought me back to my early days and all the support I received from fellow wids. The ones I remember most are

- be gentle on yourself. 
- drink plenty of water (the not eating days and lots of crying dehydrates you)
- make sure you eat when you can.  PB&J, cereal, pizza, etc are perfectly good meals for you and your kids multiple nights a week
- your grief, your rules...meaning no one can define for you the right way to grieve. your grief journey is unique to you.

I'm so sorry you had to join this club but glad you were able to find this place.
?I have lived my life well, lived with integrity and always lived each day the best I could.  I have no regrets.?  DKB 9/2/65 - 10/23/11

nonesuch

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #27 on: May 08, 2016, 12:57:16 PM »
My husband was kind of a pack rat.  I'm six years out, but there are still things that aren't of sentimental value to me that are basically clutter.  Some of it came from his family.  Over the years I started sorting and setting aside for this cousin or that in-law...and it was just a few months ago I thought, hey, this stuff that was *his* is now *mine*.  I have no obligation to send any damned thing anywhere.  I can throw out pictures of his relatives, I don't *have to* send back that possible collector's item because it came from his Dad; I can just sell it on Ebay.  There is one thing, a vase his mother gave me, (and her mother gave her) I thought ought to stay in the family...but now I'm thinking, WTH, she gave that to me.

I'd love for his daughter to have something, because, or in spite of the fact that they were pretty much estranged and didn't have a lot of time together.  But you know what? His ex was the cause of that.  His daughter likes having money (she doesn't handle it well) but there's nothing here that's very valuable.  I'm not going to agonize over it any more. 

Dianne34

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #28 on: July 17, 2016, 03:31:15 AM »
hi all,

I am new here, new to this life, new to the crushing reality of having lost my husband 2 weeks ago. I am being tossed back and forth between intense sadness, anger for being thrown into this situation and feeling so sorry for our little girls who will have to grow up without a father.

Similar to another story I read here, he gave our girls a kiss and popped out for a quick run - 2.5 km later he was gone. Ripped from our life just like that. I realise it is true but find it so unacceptable. We were so happy, in the middle of renovating our house and loving life. He was only 35 years old - our life together as a family had only just started.

Finding this site and reading your posts helps a little. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone but am relieved I am not the only one in the world going through this utterly lonely experience, if that makes sense.

thank you for sharing...

Trying

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Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
« Reply #29 on: July 17, 2016, 06:33:55 AM »
Dianne I am so very sorry for your loss and for your little girls.  You have found a wonderful place where people understand the devastation you are experiencing.  Keep reading and post as much as you need to, we can't take away the pain but we can help you feel less alone in your grief. 
You will forever be my always.