Author Topic: Very Short Marriage...  (Read 6849 times)

the_master

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #15 on: April 29, 2015, 11:06:00 AM »
DH and I were married for about 15 months, but we'd only been living under the same roof for about four months because immigration took nearly a year (I'm US, he was UK). It's hard for me because I lost him to suicide, and I also feel cheated. I know he was ill, but sometimes it feels like he didn't give us a chance. The first time things got really rough, he pushed me away and then he died.


It can be hard finding people who can relate, but that is what I like about this forum. Even though our situations may be very different, there are people here who can relate.

Damn... I'm sorry to hear. Yours was as sudden as mine.

Night before, everything normal. Next morning, dead.

I honestly don't know what is worse, sudden death or illness leading to it.

I think illness probably is, because the last days are spent dreading the inevitable, whereas for me, the night before was a normal, happy, night.

biscuit

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2015, 09:18:00 PM »
I really feel some of the things you write @the_master.
I too spent a lot of initial time on DS, but it just makes me angry when people are insensitive to the younger crowd and say things like:
+25 years just wasn't enough (are u kidding me! what i wouldnt do for 25 years)
+the only thing that keeps me going are my children (so what am I supposed to do without any of these children motivators)

I know everyone's situation is different, but I really find strength in empathy and need people who get it.  Which is pretty hard to find because the widowed community is already such a minority, and then throw in sudden death, short marriage on top it and it seems like you are sooo alone.

Anyways, the point is I get it too.  And I am also angry at just how unfair this all is.

the_master

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2015, 08:04:37 AM »
I really feel some of the things you write @the_master.
I too spent a lot of initial time on DS, but it just makes me angry when people are insensitive to the younger crowd and say things like:
+25 years just wasn't enough (are u kidding me! what i wouldnt do for 25 years)
+the only thing that keeps me going are my children (so what am I supposed to do without any of these children motivators)

I know everyone's situation is different, but I really find strength in empathy and need people who get it.  Which is pretty hard to find because the widowed community is already such a minority, and then throw in sudden death, short marriage on top it and it seems like you are sooo alone.

Anyways, the point is I get it too.  And I am also angry at just how unfair this all is.

I cancelled my DS account. That (what you said) and I had a run-in with a 73 year old bible thumper... It just made me angrier.

gracelet

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    • Eerily Cheerily - upbeat but sarcastic musings of a young lesbian widow
Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #18 on: May 05, 2015, 12:40:33 PM »
Married five and a half months. Not even married - civilly partnered. Gay "marriage" was introduced after she died. Same rights, but different in name, but YES, the name makes a difference.

We were together five and a half years. I am so grateful for that and how she shaped me as a young adult.

Do I feel robbed? At one point, yes I did. Now, I've come to realise that it's not about the time we had, but the intensity of love. And that was a shit load of love.

"Measure your life in love" is a quote from the musical Rent, and the song Seasons of Love, which is poignant for me. When I finally figure out a design, I'll get it tattooed on me. Google the song!

It's shitty that objectively we didn't have as much time with our loves though. I get it.
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com

Kamcho

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #19 on: May 14, 2015, 10:45:43 PM »
I lost LH when I was 30. I had been with him since I was 18. Sometimes i feel greedy... but 12 years wasnt enough. Not at all. The whole "young widow" vs widow makes me shake my head. The average age at which a woman will be widowed is 55. I don't know the stats for men. 55 is not "young" to me. It's middle aged and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with being middle aged. It's hard bc most ppl here are 40s and 50s and with kids, and the blessing of being in decent health. It's hard to relate sometimes.

I don't have kids, I was isolated in many ways bc I married someone 10 yrs older than me when I was very young. I left my country of origin to be with LH. I'm pretty much alone. There is no one I share DNA with less than a long flight away. LH was my world. Cancer and widowhood devastated me financially and my education and career are not viable.

I've heard people say that perhaps there are worse ways to lose a spouse. The average time it takes to die of Alzheimers is 7 years. Being a caregiver almost killed me.

I'm rambling and all over the place. It's sad that we have such an age phobic, death phobic society and that many people have lost their manners and sense of community with others.

Whatever one's fruit may be, it's all a basket of suck.

And 6 mos? Way too damn short. :( . We grieve the past we lived without them, we grieve the present we had, and we grieve the future that never got to be. :(

I'm sorry you had to join us. You are welcome here.

Sorry this was rambling and all over the place. Over 2 yrs  for me, and I still get lost. Still feel him. Still miss him. The pain lessens.

PS early in widowhood I wanted to make knocking over cute l'il happy old couples and Olympic sport. Lucky fuckers.

MissingSquish

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  • widowed 5/20/12
Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2015, 10:01:53 PM »
Hugs the_master. I lost my hubby after 7 months of marriage, but a total of 3 years being together. You are not alone here. I'm so sorry you had to join our crappy club.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Mizpah

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2015, 11:41:18 AM »
DH was 28 when he died and we'd only had 3 years together.  In fact, the day I left the hospital for the last time, I got home to a delivery of the custom/handmade anniversary card I'd gotten for him.  We'd called each other husband and wife since the first couple months and wore wedding bands with each other's names engraved and I'd changed my name and we were legally domestic partners, but we took forever deciding how to "make it official" (because we thought we had the time to make it perfect for us - had JUST decided to do it alone on the beach in Kauai in Oct 2011 - oops, he died April 2011).  Were going to start a family, etc., etc.  I get it.  He lost the opportunity to be a husband and a father.  So young.  No matter how much I ever heal, I'll always be heartbroken for him and all that he never was able to experience. 

Edited to add: The day when I realized he'd been gone longer than we were together was a hard one.  When you intend to spend decades and decades - your whole life - with a person who only had so few....  I don't know how to finish that sentence.  You get it. 
« Last Edit: May 19, 2015, 11:04:11 AM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Alexswife

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #22 on: May 18, 2015, 05:01:08 PM »
Huge hugs to you all.

We were married for exactly three months and five days before my sweet husband was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the joy i felt on the day that I became his wife only to so soon be followed by the agony of losing him. I was engaged, married and widowed in nine months. It's a lot to deal with. The never having an anniversary thing is the worst. Every year on April 14th, I wonder what we would be doing.

Two months from tomorrow it will be three years since that terrible day. My heart still longs for him and for our happy, blissful life.
There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God.
 For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. - Hebrews 4:7-8
Alex 1/31/91-7/19/12

Silwe

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #23 on: May 23, 2015, 02:57:38 PM »
I get it. We get it. My fianc? died before we had a chance to get married- the date was set and I picked out my dress but... Then he died. We had three years together and I can now look back (more than a year after he died) and feel grateful for that time... though I still feel cheated. For a long time I hated seeing elderly couples, or couples in general, I was so jealous and angry, but that part has become much easier. This is a good place to vent, to read, to find others who get what you're going through. Hang in there.

This. We had everything planned out, the date was set, and we were about to start with concrete preparations.. And then he died in an accident. We got a mere 2,5 years together, a blissful and happy time period in my life. I used to feel angry and cheated, and hated to see elderly couples. I'm almost two years out now though, and I just realised when reading @Mizpah 's comment, that soon he will have been dead longer than we were together. I dread that day.

But I feel you, @the_master . Hugs.

8th Oct 1992 - 27th July 2013 (accident)

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back. - J.R.R. Tolkien

sandrine2279

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Re: Very Short Marriage...
« Reply #24 on: June 03, 2016, 12:32:46 PM »
everything written here is just so right....
too short happiness... I look at the children we won't have, look at those older women with their ring on/ telling me they're not widows... looking at those unhappy couples that can spend their life together.....
looking at my best friend staying with a long longtime boyfriend because she's affraid no to find someone else.
and me, I'm not even sad to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm grieving the wasted life of my beloved bear...
I really need to read everything here . telling me my bear and I are not the only ones.
thank you for sharing your stories.....