Author Topic: Forgiveness of Betrayal  (Read 5365 times)

Questions

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Re: Forgiveness of Betrayal
« Reply #15 on: May 03, 2015, 01:45:27 PM »
It does seem to me that further loss of friendships, etc that occurred after the loss of DH has
had a cumulative effect, causing me at times to relive the whole painful experience of his death over again. They all get filed into that same "losses" catagory somewhere in my mind & like a database, call up adjacent memories. & when I recall how we were dealing with all that trauma more or less alone at the time I can't help but remember those who chose to avoid us & the resentment I felt towards them resurfaces again.
Like you, I have a lot of trouble letting it go completely & forgetting. It's like unfinished business. I feel like there is still something I need from them in order to close out the books.

I think I've known for a long time that expecting to receive an equal amount of the love that I give to others in return from them is a selfish way to think & that the concept of feeling owed by people is wrong.  DH didn't think that way. I think he did things for others because it made him feel good about himself, therefore he didn't need or expect a reward from anyone else.
But that's a broad example & not to say he didn't have the same basic need to feel viable & appreciated like everyone else does.
 
I remember once he had mailed a gift to his nephew's family but then he never heard back from any of them so he called a couple weeks later to see if they'd received it. His nephew's wife answered the phone & he said Hi, I was just wondering if you received the gift I mailed. She said oh yes, we did. He said, Oh good. I was expecting someone to call or email to say thanks & when I didn't hear anything feared it might've gotten lost in the mail.
She said, Why would you expect that? We didn't ask for any gift. (Wtf?!)
I don't think I'd be sending that person many more gifts after hearing those words, lol

I'm sorry your anniversary & spouses birthday have got you feeling down.
Those dates have always been hard for me too, It usually starts a few weeks before they arrive & slowly builds to a crescendo. The sadness they bring is hard to ignore.
Proof that reminders can trigger those deep emotions inside us..
Forgetting isn't always possible.

(((hugs))))
« Last Edit: May 03, 2015, 02:34:30 PM by Questions »

A Tout Jamais

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Re: Forgiveness of Betrayal
« Reply #16 on: May 03, 2015, 04:18:36 PM »
@canadiangirl

Thank you for your kind feedback!  I'm inclined to see the advantage of your and Mizpah's reasoning, since my own way has not exactly been a "stellar success". ;D Unfortunately, we are all 'hardwired' in a certain way, and for ME Indifference is one of the most difficult things to master, in particular when I have made a long-time emotional investment in people.

Hard to believe, but it actually felt better when I would sometimes fly into a spontaneous fit of anger or seething rage. It momentarily stopped the pain and gave me a temporary sense of empowerment. Only, afterwards I felt drained and often numb. Come to think of it, that's preferable to the lingering sadness, which conveys a sense of helplessness.  - And I do believe that indifference is actually the worst punishment, because people become invisible on our emotional radar screen and are reduced to "nothing".


@Questions

I appreciate your very kind and insightful response! You are so right about the "cumulative effect" it has had on us and also about the sometimes involuntary memory retrieval, which makes us relive the entire painful death scenario.

"The memory presents to us not what we choose
 but what it pleases."

~~ Michel De Montaigne


Indeed, the harder I often try to forget, the more persistently the memory intrudes!

And Yes, the "unfinished business" - a very troublesome aspect for me!! I've never been good at unresolved situations. It would also be easier for me to accept if there had been a bitter quarrel or at least some disagreement preceding it. But it was none of the kind. Quite the opposite, I was assured of how much I was loved while they simultaneously retreated and eventually completely vanished. To ME that is the biggest 'mind bleep' of all times, and it wreaked havoc with my sense of sanity, which had already been severely shaken through the manner of my husband's death.

So, on yet another anniversary, my mind wanders back and only sees question marks, fragmented pieces, and "unfinished business", which I find demoralizing. It makes me wonder about the value of investing in any human relationships and makes me miss my husband even more.

Many newcomers have disappointed as well, but they were an easy "write-off", since there was not much investment on my part, with One exception. This has been true of different age groups, cultural backgrounds, and applies to women and men.  Overall, it has made me quite disillusioned and cynical about humanity, which is regretful. I used to be so optimistic and only wanted to see the best in others. The oddest thing about this is that these disappointments have come from people who SEEMED so kind, sincere and trustworthy. But, perhaps my radar is no longer working since I MAY have wanted to believe that there are still reliable people out there.

Yikes, I just realized that I derailed my own thread - all the way from forgiveness and serenity to lack of trust in humanity.

Nice job, ATJ!  -  I'll chalk it up to "double anniversary syndrome". ;)

Peace to you both!

« Last Edit: May 16, 2016, 03:04:21 PM by A Tout Jamais »
"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"

Mizpah

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Re: Forgiveness of Betrayal
« Reply #17 on: May 04, 2015, 12:53:48 PM »
Yikes, I just realized that I derailed my own thread ? all the way from forgiveness and serenity to lack of trust in humanity.

Some sick widow humor: maybe the loss of trust in humanity is the key to serenity?  Hahahahaha. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Needytoo

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Re: Forgiveness of Betrayal
« Reply #18 on: May 04, 2015, 05:13:00 PM »
I think Mitzpah is on to something. 

On the weekend I read a post on facebook from my sister.  Guess my brother and her have been invited to my father's.  Not so long ago this would have hurt me and made me very angry to be forgotten but I don't feel at all this way.  I don't even feel pity for them that they just have block us. I feel totally ok with it.  Maybe I have hit serenity.  Have to tell you it ROCKS!!

A Tout Jamais

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Re: Forgiveness of Betrayal
« Reply #19 on: May 05, 2015, 10:21:17 AM »

Some sick widow humor: maybe the loss of trust in humanity is the key to serenity? Hahahahaha.

@Mizpah -

I hereby declare you my official "Serenity Guru"!!

Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

ATJ  :)

"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"