Author Topic: Today  (Read 3217 times)

BrokenHeart2

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Today
« on: April 30, 2015, 09:22:21 PM »
Today is 23 months and nobody acknowledged him at all. It's like he was never here and it's ripping my heart out. I talked to his daughter today and her focus was making roast beef for her boyfriend. Other friends I talked to said nothing. They didn't even clue in. That makes me so sad. He was so terrific and it feels like he's fading from everyone but me. I'll just have my meltdown and go to sleep.  Good night my Love and my fellow wids who I know that get it.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2015, 09:40:53 PM by BrokenHeart2 »
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

marian1953

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Re: Today
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2015, 09:33:14 PM »
I am so very sorry. People are such?people with their own friggin hang-ups. Excuse me? The fucking roast beef? I hope they choked  on it.
huge hugs,
Marian

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Today
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2015, 09:41:56 PM »
Thank you Marion1953.  Marion was my mother in laws name and she was such a sweetie too. :)
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Today
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2015, 10:44:48 PM »
Yup hurting really bad
« Last Edit: April 30, 2015, 10:48:33 PM by BrokenHeart2 »
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

mikeeh

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Re: Today
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2015, 05:18:03 AM »
This is why it just burns me when people try to compare their losses to our loss of a spouse.   Nobody feels the loss like a spouse does, from the second we wake up in the morning to the minute we fall asleep at night.   It may flash into their heads that their parent/sibling/friend isn't there anymore but it is a constant screaming neon sign in our head that only gets brighter the more we need someone to talk to.

Sorry for the suffering and the loss.  We all know we are alone on this trip and it is just more obvious at those 'special' times

JeanGenie

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Re: Today
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2015, 05:33:18 AM »
As Mikeeh said...they just don't get it and that we remember and feel the loss every day.  I just passed 24 months and there were a few who remembered on the 2 year anniversary which I so appreciated.  So there are a few who remember on the yearly sadiversary but I know, with time, this is likely to fade for them as well.  The rest of the time, no one tends to say much.  I think it's what everyone says...they either have moved on and don't remember or they are afraid to say anything because they don't want to remind us and make us sad.  HA!  As we all know, we never forget.  But those who have never experienced this, just don't understand that.

I'm sorry this added to your already sad day.  Just makes it harder.
I miss how happy I was with you.

Carey

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Re: Today
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2015, 07:11:10 AM »
I'm so sorry you had a miserable day yesterday.  Those days are always intensely painful and hard to get through.  it's true, no one will feel the loss as acutely and as DAILY as a spouse.  Those people Im sure didn't intend to forget or not acknowledge, it's just not such a HUGE hole in their lives as it is yours.  JeanGenie made a good point also, it may not be that they didn't remember but they thought bringing it up to you would hurt.  It's too bad we cant just spend all our sadiversaries with each other.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

SoVerySad

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Re: Today
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2015, 07:42:30 AM »
I'm sorry you are hurting so, BH2. I don't know if it offers any help at all, but one way I have tried to help myself feel less hurt when others seem to not remember T is to remind myself that it only makes sense for me to remember and feel the loss so much more. No one else shared the special bond with him that I did. While many people loved and enjoyed him, no one else had the type of deeply entwined connection we shared. Because I solely held that honor and privilege, I can't expect others to continue to feel the loss as much. He was the center of my world, so his absence is acutely in the forefront of my mind all the time.

That being said, I really do understand that it hurts to think others could forget about him so easily.

Sending you tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Today
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2015, 10:42:02 AM »
Thank you to all of you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Mizpah

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Re: Today
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2015, 01:29:08 PM »
I think I have a different perspective on this than most of us.  I don't expect anyone to remember but me.  In fact, I consider it a privilege that I was The One (his special person, and the one who holds him).  Also, I try to forget the death date/anniversaries (though of course it doesn't work - 4 years yesterday), and to pin memories/commemoration to celebration of him, who he was, his life, his birth - I have a dinner every year on his birthday.  Also, honestly, past one year, I find no one remembers monthly anniversaries, and no one but his parents even remember the yearly one until reminded.  To me, this doesn't matter.  To me, this has nothing to do with anything of any importance. 

Remember - HE's not forgotten, the specific date of his death is, and what does his death have to do with who he was?  HE will never be forgotten.  And sometimes, I think the best tribute we can give them is getting involved in the details of everyday life, living it. 

I'm sorry if my perspective makes you angry or feel worse.   
« Last Edit: May 01, 2015, 03:35:09 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

A Tout Jamais

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Re: Today
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2015, 03:32:30 PM »
Quote
Today is 23 months and nobody acknowledged him at all. It's like he was never here and it's ripping my heart out. I talked to his daughter today and her focus was making roast beef for her boyfriend. Other friends I talked to said nothing. They didn't even clue in. That makes me so sad. He was so terrific and it feels like he's fading from everyone but me. I'll just have my meltdown and go to sleep.  Good night my Love and my fellow wids who I know that get it. 


(((BrokenHeart2)))

I just saw your post, and I do understand the fear and related pain about our loved one becoming forgotten, reduced to a merely random memory for others. One of the hardest parts for many of us is that life and others simply move on as if nothing had happened. We are the only "keepers of the flame". The painful reality is that to us, our life has imploded, whereas to others it's a sad little memory at best. I always found it particularly hard that even the people who knew my husband for a very long time, including his own family, never mentioned his name, and when I even just casually brought it up, there was a dead silence, and the subject was quickly changed.


"To the world You may be just one person,
 but to One person You are The World."

~~ Brandi Snyder


I remember struggling with certain dates. At first it was days. When he was gone for an entire week, it felt unbearable that life had just moved on, and the world kept turning on its axis. Then came the monthly "ritual" until it crossed the one year mark. But I still would say: "It's been one year and "X months".  - After year two, I no longer counted the months because the number kept scarily increasing, but it was equally disturbing to now have to measure in YEARS. I desperately wanted to stop the hands of time.

"They say that time heals all wounds,
 but all it's done so far is give me more time
 to think about how much I miss you!"

 ~~ Ezbeth Wilder


I felt like this as well! 


In a few days I'll have to face my wedding anniversary and the next day his birthday, followed by the anniversary of his death exactly one month later. This year will be a huge landmark for me, and somehow it has set off the inner alarm bells ahead of time. I'm trying to block it out, but my heart is the emotional "tornado siren", which won't allow me to do so. The passage of time can be both soothing, as well as feeling farther adrift, wondering if it all was just a dream. It's a lonely feeling which nobody else can share with us, especially years later.

The most important thing is that they keep on living in our hearts and that WE will never forget!

"To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die."

~~ Thomas Campbell






In honor of your beloved husband!


(((HUGS))) to you!

ATJ

« Last Edit: May 19, 2016, 10:05:36 PM by A Tout Jamais »
"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"

Jen

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Re: Today
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2015, 03:41:56 PM »
I can't add anything inspiring, but lots of ((((((hugs)))))) to you...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Today
« Reply #12 on: May 01, 2015, 10:41:57 PM »
Thank you so much to all of you.
I spent 7 hours in emerg today and this evening with my bedridden 82 yr old Mother, she has been my bedrock for the past 2 yrs. diagnosis is mini strokes. It's been a rough few days.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

widowat33

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Re: Today
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2015, 01:35:38 AM »
It hurts when people forget. I suppose that is what separates us spouses from the rest..we can't forget those dates. Never before have I kept track of the calendar as much as I do now. At first I counted the days without him, then the weeks and now it's the months (I'm not a year out yet,so I probably shouldn't even be posting here, but whatever). I remember shortly after he died I felt so upset about the fact that life goes on for everyone else, but there I was and I knew my life would never be "normal" again. And it sucks!
I'm sorry you had a bad day and then again with your mom having mini strokes, it just keeps piling on. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs!

lcoxwell

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Re: Today
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2015, 05:33:14 PM »
I can't add anything inspiring, but lots of ((((((hugs)))))) to you...

This is pretty much where I am right now. I simply have nothing inspiring to say, but do want to acknowledge that I read your post, and that I am sorry you are hurting. I wish with all my heart, there was something more I could do to ease your pain.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.