Author Topic: I did it...  (Read 1679 times)

batmanswidow

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I did it...
« on: May 08, 2015, 07:38:04 PM »
Well I did it.  After almost a year and a half I drove by the accident scene.  And you know what?  I survived.   Yes, I had a panic attack in a gas station parking lot right after I turned off the street but I expected nothing less.  The last time I drove that way into my neighborhood (instead of going 10-15 minutes out of the way) I was coming home after unknowingly driving past his burned up car.  I don't know why I felt like i needed to get past this but I did.  Like I couldn't let it have control over me anymore.  Sure I will most likely continue to go out of my way to avoid it daily but I don't HAVE to now and that means something.

It is also my little man's first night away from me and the house is already so so lonely.  I would give almost anything to be like other mommas who go on a date night with their husband when their kids have their first sleepover at the grandparents.  This life is so lonely.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2015, 08:13:03 PM by batmanswidow »

lcoxwell

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2015, 08:00:47 PM »
I know you have struggled with this for some time, and I am so proud of you for taking such a monumental step! Reading this just gave my goosebumps. Good for you!
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Jen

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2015, 08:35:53 PM »
Sometimes I think I will actually die of loneliness. That sounds like hyperbole, but there are times when the ache is so fierce, it squeezes what's left of my poor heart so tightly, that I think it will just stop it for good. And actually, I often wish it would.

(((((HUGS)))))) to you-- this was a huge step. Wishing you peace tonight...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

CBB

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2015, 08:59:50 PM »
Congrats Batmanswidow..That was a brave thing to accomplish today. I am so proud of you for facing this with courage. You survived! I know how these milestones feel to confront and you did it! It's a huge deal! And I for one am very proud of you. Keep up the great work. I know I how hard this must have been to do and solo . I get it. You are fierce!

Sending you a huge virtual hug,
Cyndi
I am different! How could I not be?

Trying

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2015, 10:47:09 PM »
I'm proud of you for taking back control, it could not have been easy to do. 

Nights alone at home are tough, maybe next time make some plans with friends so you don't have to face the loneliness. The quiet can be unbearable. 
You will forever be my always.

SoVerySad

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2015, 05:01:20 AM »
That is truly a huge accomplishment which required a lot of courage. I'm so glad you were able to make that step. I'm sorry you are feeling the loneliness of an empty house. I think when our kids are away, the solitude gives us time (perhaps too much) to reflect upon our lives. It seems easier to just focus on the kids. My kids rarely ever go away without me. You'd think when they do, I'd be thrilled to have a break from two teens, but I'm not. Now if my T was still here, I'd feel very differently I'm sure.

Sending you tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

swilson

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2015, 08:24:48 AM »
Another hurdle overcome. "..., in being willing to gently embrace the pain, you demonstrate the courage to honor the pain." - Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

MissingSquish

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2015, 07:29:32 PM »
You did it!  So proud of you.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

batmanswidow

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2015, 08:45:58 PM »
Thanks everyone.  I knew this was one of the few places where people would understand how big this was.  Most of the people in my life still pretend not to notice when I turn the "wrong" way out of the neighborhood but I know they don't really get the level of control it had on my life.  They can only be so supportive without truly knowing the impact driving by his car that day had on me.

Anyway I also made it through baby's first sleepover.  It would have been a little more exciting if I hadn't been rear ended today on my way to get some lunch.  The lady felt really bad and I just looked at her and said, "it could be worse trust me".

Thanks again for all the support!

Kealoha

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2015, 02:05:53 AM »
What a huge step-- on both fronts.  Big big hugs to you.


linda5

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Re: I did it...
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2015, 09:58:03 PM »
That truly was a huge step!  I'm proud of you.  Whether or not you still go out of your way doesn't matter, you proved you can do it.  Also congrats for spending the night alone ... that was a huge task for me to overcome.