Author Topic: Not remembering a fucking thing....  (Read 2392 times)

markb74

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Not remembering a fucking thing....
« on: March 09, 2015, 06:30:59 PM »
tonight I decided I have to get back into a cleaning routine... it was a hint with the nice weather got today that I told myself when spring comes I am going to get rid of stuff ive been holding onto for years, as well as organize what I am left with my deceased MIL's house stuff and my house stuff now... very overwhelmed...

so anyways, I decided to pack up stuff in a box, and I came across a book my mother setup at the funeral home for people to sign, it was called the invisible string, and I didn't actually read it, but I read what people wrote. friends I don't remember being there, coworkers I don't remember being there. peoples name who I knew but could not put a face to... people told me that day would be a blur... How could it I thought? How could I not remember my wife and my son's mother's last day we got to see her... HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER THIS TONIGHT going through that book. reading the messages from people. people showed up from my work that I don't even talk to ever. now I feel like an asshole because I still don't talk to them and they made time in their life to mourn for me.

I thought I was done with nights like this, I swayed myself from the ywbb, I thought I don't need a crutch. then a friend on facebook said it closed and I feel like I was on a tight rope and looked down and saw the net getting pulled away. then I saw about here, and I feel like I am back to square one month one. but I need it. thank you.

-Mark
It's OK to dig a pit of despair and jump in.
It's NOT OK to stay in there and wallow.

Lisa

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2015, 06:37:57 PM »
No matter how far along we get we need other who can say they 've been there sometimes. I renember a few specific things from the funeral and that is it. People can tell me all kinds of info and its still just those few things. Maybe thats all my mind could handle. I know now that I was in shock. I wasnt aware then or for almost 5 years. Glad you are here
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2015, 06:44:34 PM »
Same thing happened to me at about 6 months out. I pulled out the guest book and started reading. I couldn't believe I didn't remember them being there.
Hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

widowat33

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2015, 11:02:41 PM »
Yes it seems unbelievable that we would forget something like that, but you aren't alone..I can only remember certain people being there, or even here at our house there were so many people in and out that I forget who was here. It was shock, and continued for at least a month after, I was in a fog, fighting my way through, but looking back I don't remember much from that first month or so.
It's okay to forget some things, our minds are so busy processing everything that has happened..
Take care!

Mr C

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2015, 01:52:43 AM »
The whole first six months are such a blur to me. As for the service, there are only a handful of people I remember seeing out of a packed full church. I was so focused on my wife that day and on our kids too. I see people now and wonder if they were there. I want to say something, but dare not ask.
Mrs.C, You have been my Sweetheart, Best Friend and Love since 1987. You will be my Wife forever and ever and ever. Love Always, Mr. C

Tweety76

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2015, 02:28:03 AM »
@Markb74 Hugs Mark!!!! I have trouble remembering things too especially from between months 3-6. I'm glad you found us though!

Tight tight hugs!!!!!!

littlebirdie

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2015, 10:02:21 AM »
I still don't remember much about the first few months after he died. I remember snippets of things from the memorial service. I remember people getting up and telling stories about Brent and people laughing (he was so funny, and I told the minister that I wanted people to share good memories at the service). I remember after the service going outside and seeing a rainbow in the sky, but that's about it. I haven't even read through the guest book. It's still in a drawer nearly three years later.

Carey

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2015, 10:26:33 AM »
I guess grief amnesia struck us all.  chad's First funeral, the one at the church was 3 days after he died and his body was still overseas. Seemed surreal and that is the one I remember nothing of. I stumbled across a flash drive with the audio from it the other day and listened to it and was floored. I remembered NONE of it, and definitely not all those who were there. However, he was laid to rest 2 months after he died and I guess the shock had worn off some because I remember every heartbreaking detail ...especially that trumpet playing Taps and the SNAP the flag made as they folded it...the honor guards shoes on the concrete, all the other flags at the cemetery whipping in the wind. I can tell you who was there and where they sat or stood. I honestly don't know which is better.

didn't mean to ramble about myself ... I'm glad you came back, it's not a crutch, it's support.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

Jen

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2015, 12:27:55 PM »
glad you came back, it's not a crutch, it's support.

Yes!! And a very, very vital one. I don't know where-- or, let's face it, if-- I'd be without it.

hugs,

Jen
« Last Edit: April 24, 2015, 07:48:41 AM by Just Jen »
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Ursula

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Re: Not remembering a fucking thing....
« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2015, 10:35:28 PM »
Hey MarkB , it's a good place here. I have become mute for periods but it always feels comfortable just to read what people write even if I don't always feel that I have anything to say anymore. But this place makes me feel less alone, and that is good. I am also going to my first widowbago in July and I am really looking forward to meet all these people whom I have never met before. Good luck to you - you found this place!
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)