Author Topic: what to say when asked "are you married"  (Read 3603 times)

donswife

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what to say when asked "are you married"
« on: May 11, 2015, 09:02:20 PM »
just curious how I am supposed to answer this question 
sometimes I don't or can't emotionally go into my story
and cant handle people's reactions from pity to not knowing at all what to say
just wondering how to handle it 
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Trying

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2015, 09:14:07 PM »
I still hate that question although I am mostly past the point of getting teary over it, it is very awkward.  Depending on the situation I usually try to state it matter of fact and move the conversation along.  Sometimes I feel much more sorry for the person who asked than I do for myself. The pity look is pretty awful.
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Wheelerswife

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2015, 09:18:59 PM »
Oh, the gamut of responses to this question!  I use a variety of responses, depending on who asks, where I am at the time, how much time there is to get into the story, and whether I'm in a frame of mind to relive my stories.

I wear my wedding band on my right hand and sometimes, someone will ask if it is a wedding ring.  Sometimes, I just say, "Yes."  When I don't continue, some people realize that I don't want to elaborate.

I've gotten used to calling myself a widow.  I've had 5 1/2 years of experience at it, so that word rolls off my tongue fairly easily.  Sometimes I just say, "I'm widowed."

The trickier questions come when someone realizes I'm not from where I currently live.  The questioning often starts with, "How did you end up in (my town in Western Kansas)?"  If the person is someone with whom I want to become more acquainted, I might give them the whole story...which is that I met my second husband on a young widows support site and moved to be with him, but that he also died.

There is no easy answer, really.

In time, I've just become more comfortable telling my story.  I hope you can eventually feel comfortable, too, donswife. 

Hugs,

Maureen

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Amor

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2015, 11:02:08 PM »
I too wonder how to answer that question.  Yesterday I accepted a new position at work.  I went in today to talk with my new bosses for paperwork, ect.  They asked me if my husband is looking for work.  I said he is not currently working.  My heart sank, then more when they said "hes lazy."  I worked side by side with my husband for 7 years.  This one will be very hard to do now.  I did not want to explain my story nor ready to admit to an employer that just hired me. 
I still wear my ring, have is picture in my wallet. 
I hope one day I can be more comfortable saying the words but as of yet I do not want to say them.  I can not openly explain what I have lost to just anyone.  Am I the only one who wants to hide their loss or knows their love will always be married to them. 

What do you put on employee forms married or single? 

Suki1

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2015, 10:21:20 AM »
I try to avoid the question, but when I can't, I check the box "Single" if it involves taxes. Otherwise I stick to "Married." As far as I'm concerned, I'm still married; my husband just isn't where I can talk to him.

donswife

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2015, 11:26:53 AM »
I remember the first time I had to fill out the married , single line
actually it was for my new health insurance and I couldn't figure out that one question
so I called and ask if I should claimed Married and she said no you are no longer considered Married
needless to say took a long time to recover from that one
Sukl1-I like your answer and to tell the truth I am constantly still talking to my husband , makes me sound like a crazy person but it helps sometimes
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NoKindaDancer

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2015, 03:38:08 PM »
"I was married for 11 years. I am now widowed."

No elaboration. Straightforward. Usually shocking.
Was really hard at first but now almost 2 years later feels better. Feels like the truth.

They almost never ask "how" and usually say sorry and I try to change subject back to something else.
While I hate the pity look, I don't like the un-truth even more.
"I may not be as strong as I think, but I know many tricks and I have resolution." - Hemingway

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Amor

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2015, 04:38:00 PM »
Suki1, thank you that may work.

Donswife: You have talked to your Love for so many years it is a hard habit to break.  In private only you will know. 

Nokindadancer: You are so much braver than me.  I hope one day  can say that and not feel like the end of the world. 

Jess

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2015, 08:18:11 AM »
I keep it simple and just say "no". I stopped wearing my ring the day after my first anniversary without him and that probably spares me from follow up questions.

Yesterday however I did make a fool out of myself. I was at the title company signing paperwork for my new place and I had to sign something regarding my marital status as being "unmarried". The lady launched into a big explanation about why that was important And then said "ok good, signing that confirms you don't have a spouse somewhere out there!" Cue crazy widow tears. Sigh.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2015, 07:43:03 AM by Jess »
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

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robunknown

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2015, 07:40:18 AM »
Getting the kid into a new doctor's office the boxes were, single, married, divorced, and widowed. I determined that checking "Widowed" was as good as it's going to get. This way I don't have to explain things.

At the vet the other day, I took the pro-active role when explaining I wasn't use to taking the cat to the vet as "my wife passed last year".

That is pretty much my ?go to? response; I found it the easiest to say. Then I immediately try to change the conversation because I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to have follow-up questions that I don't particularly want to answer.



widowat33

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2015, 07:59:09 AM »
I always tell people I'm widowed when asked if I'm married, just to avoid a lot of questions. Most people are uncomfortable asking more once they find out..but as I say it I always feel this pit of dread in my stomach. My youngest will say "you are still married to daddy" I try to explain that although I will always love him, I'm actually not still married, nor do I feel as though I am.
I talk to him every night, I tell him that I love him and I miss him, what I wouldn't give to hear him say it back..
It's a hard question to answer sometimes...

OneNow

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Re: what to say when asked "are you married"
« Reply #11 on: May 24, 2015, 10:44:16 PM »
The truth sadly is my reality..but in no way not want to not acknowledge my marriage..hell 17 years is an accomplishment.   So I go with I was married for 17 years..and now widowed for 20 months. They usually say I am sorry. I say thanks..he was a great guy. I am sure it makes my husband (yes..he  still is my husband) happy to hear it.