Author Topic: Three Damn Months...  (Read 3089 times)

the_master

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Three Damn Months...
« on: May 19, 2015, 03:17:53 PM »
It seems like an eternity. All I want is to die, myself. I've lived enough and done enough.

donswife

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2015, 03:36:02 PM »
it does feel like the days stretch forever and I am so sorry you are in this
Its a hard time to say the least
all i can say ,and I know words sometimes don't help,  but just breath
it took a lot for me to just get through every minute then a day then a week
I am around the 7 month mark losing my don so at least can let you know that
I am glad you reached out here and that's a huge step

My everything

Mizpah

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2015, 03:42:03 PM »
I happened to stop in from 4 years out, to tell you it gets better.  Even for my widow friends who are relatively "stuck" as opposed to others (so worse case scenario - not worst, because worst would be if you mean what you said), I'd say it gets way better.  Way way better.  It gets more bearable.  It gets better than merely "more bearable" too.  Keep going day by day, finding comfort and solace where you can, in the simple stuff.  Let time carry you.  Don't be ambitious and put pressure on yourself.  It won't always hurt so bad, and if it does, you find ways to live with it so that it doesn't hurt so bad, if that makes any sense.  Thinking of you.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Jen

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2015, 03:51:09 PM »
At 13+ months I feel more like the_master than anything else, though if pressed I guess I can see a *little* progress. Mostly it feels like 2 steps forward, 8 steps back. Mizpah, thank you for continuing to encourage us... I don't have a lot of hope right now, but you and others who are further out at least stand as proof that there is life beyond hell. (((Hugs))) to all...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

jlp

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2015, 04:55:50 PM »
Hang in there, the_master.  I remember the three-month mark quite clearly and I also remember that it was shortly after that that I started to feel better.  It was still painful, because the shock started to wear off, but the grief became a bit more bearable and I felt I could function a bit better.

As far as wanting to die -- completely normal to feel that way (as long as you don't plan to act on it!).  I still have days like that once in a while -- life seems to have lost its meaning.  But those days are few and far between now (I'm at 10 1/2 months.)

If you're a list maker, make lists -- for the day and maybe the week.  It helped me stay focused and in the moment.  It really is one foot in front of the other most of the time, and if I think too far ahead in the future (more than a week -- ha!) it still sends me into a tailspin.

I'd give anything to fix your pain right now, but I cannot.  It does get better but you must be patient and gentle with yourself.  Don't push too hard and allow yourself time to grieve.  It sucks, but it must be done.

Many hugs to you!

lcoxwell

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2015, 08:49:43 PM »
I remember the three-month mark quite clearly and I also remember that it was shortly after that that I started to feel better.  It was still painful, because the shock started to wear off, but the grief became a bit more bearable and I felt I could function a bit better.

As far as wanting to die -- completely normal to feel that way (as long as you don't plan to act on it!).  I still have days like that once in a while -- life seems to have lost its meaning.  But those days are few and far between now.

I completely agree with what jlp said, and could have said these very words, myself. It was around three months, that I felt some of my deepest despair, and around four months, that I felt the first glimmers of hope that some of the pain would ease up. I won't lie, there will be many dark days ahead, but there will also be joy, and laughter, and peace. It just takes time, and for each of us, the length of time varies. In the meantime, do what you can to take care of yourself, and take it one day, one moment, one breath at a time, if you need to.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

the_master

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2015, 07:32:10 AM »
because worst would be if you mean what you said

I do mean what I say... However, I have reasons for not simply "checking out" at the moment. Likewise, I have several other reasons to do it, should it become necessary.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2015, 07:34:39 AM by the_master »

Wheelerswife

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2015, 08:39:39 AM »
I do mean what I say... However, I have reasons for not simply "checking out" at the moment. Likewise, I have several other reasons to do it, should it become necessary.

Many of us have felt like it would be better just to die.  I remember after my first husband died, I wanted to just lie down on my side of our cemetery plot, go to sleep and just not wake up.  Then, all they would have to do is dig a hole and roll me in.  Fortunately, that feeling passed.  Life eventually became good again.  Incredibly good.  I met a wonderful man, fell in love, and remarried.

Less than 3 years after my wedding day, my second husband died very unexpectedly.  I was crushed.  Within weeks, I started having medical problems, I had major surgery and was then diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer.  I thought...well, let this damn cancer just take me out of my misery!  Well, it hasn't killed me.  I see my oncologist again next week, and hopefully there will still be no evidence of disease.

Fortunately, I don't want to die anymore.  That feeling passed, too.  It has been over 16 months and I miss my husband(s) and my happy life, but most days I feel as though I want to look forward and I hope to find a place where I am happy again.  My friends can attest that I'm still on the roller coaster.  I can feel very low at times and hopeful at other times, but I have found some gumption to persevere and ride out the storms, hoping for brighter days ahead.

I hope you can start to see a bit of lightness that offers some hope, even brief moments, because for me, those brighter moments remind me that it won't always be as bad as it feels right now.

Hugs,

Maureen

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Mizpah

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2015, 10:14:24 AM »
For me, it took a good two years of feeling dead inside to come back to life.  Two years!  (My first widow friend - a widower 11 years out - my "widow mentor," if you will - told me it took him 6 years to start to feel better/able to be happy again.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.)  I remember smiling at five months.  I don't remember much of the first few months at all, and I definitely don't remember three months (thank Gd - the pain is unbearable and I feel for all of you so fresh and raw).  I was skinless.  I've grown new skin.  You will too.  I tried to remember in the beginning that I now had a sacred duty - to live for both of us.  No one appreciated and loved life more than DH so I try to emulate him, to love life as he would have.  Until I started to feel good myself, I tried to just live well as a tribute to him.  I don't know if that helps you at all. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

the_master

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2015, 10:27:37 AM »
I don't know if that helps you at all.

I appreciate the thought, but no, not really. I am not a well man. I have medical issues that are eventually going to make me more of a cripple. I'm already strung out on meds. I've no desire to be 60-70 and 10 times worse off. With her alive, it wasn't so unbearable a thought.

I'm not suicidal, at the moment. But I have stopped taking all the meds and intend for nature to run its course. I just hope it doesn't take years and years. I'm not very patient.

Carey

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Re: Three Damn Months...
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2015, 03:27:25 PM »
I don't know if that helps you at all.

I appreciate the thought, but no, not really. I am not a well man. I have medical issues that are eventually going to make me more of a cripple. I'm already strung out on meds. I've no desire to be 60-70 and 10 times worse off. With her alive, it wasn't so unbearable a thought.

I'm not suicidal, at the moment. But I have stopped taking all the meds and intend for nature to run its course. I just hope it doesn't take years and years. I'm not very patient.


Theres nothing I can say here.  I've felt that depth of despair.  Still do a lot of days.  I'll be frank, a large part of the time life sucks.  But like was said earlier, I think about what he would think about this sorry attitude I have, the "my give a damn is busted", screw you and everyone else attitude.  The I can't possibly take another breath and you can't make me - attitude.  He'd be pissed.  And I spend a lot of time pissed at him for what happened, so sometimes I'd just love to get back at him just one more time and royally eff it all up.  But ... I either lack the courage or I'm just supposed to be here, because here I am.  And here you are.  I did the stop taking meds thing too.  Id encourage you to just take it day by day, moment by moment and stack some days and weeks on top of each other.  Clich? or whatever, but give it some time.  Continue to talk to us ... we are always here,  don't stop talking and don't stop expressing yourself.   And here's another clich?, but HUGS to you for making it today.  That's all that matters right this minute. 
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter