Author Topic: I blame myself.  (Read 1571 times)

AutumnGlow

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I blame myself.
« on: May 20, 2015, 04:19:11 PM »
I'm so stuck in this journey.  A lot of painful stuff is coming up for me right now, most notably that I blame myself for Jim's death.  I pushed him to go to the doctor about other things and I knew that a change in a mole could be serious, but I didn't push him about it.  He was dealing with other stuff and said he'd get an appointment in the fall, just 2 months later...how much more serious could it get in just two months, right?  *sigh*  Then I didn't go to all of his appointments with him because I was saving up my sick days for when I'd really need them when he was in treatment, and that led to his dad getting over involved and a whole bunch of mistakes and problems that could have been avoided.  Every time I look back, I see so many poor decisions...so many points at which if I had gone left instead of right it might have made a difference.  I'm furious with myself about my mistakes and my failures.  I'm still stuck in this quicksand pit of depression over 3 years later and I hate myself for being so weak and so screwed up.  It all comes down to me not being good enough.  I wasn't a good enough wife, I wasn't a good enough teacher, I'm not good enough at taking care of the house, I'm not a good enough mother.  I don't know how to get back up.  There have been times when I thought I was getting back up, but I fell again and again.  Now I'm afraid of trying.  Other people manage to get back on track again...why not me?
I'll always love you, Jim.
February 1, 1971-March 31, 2012

Wheelerswife

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Re: I blame myself.
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2015, 05:33:01 PM »
Hi, AG...I'm glad you are back and talking here.

Self-blame is a tough one.  Sometimes, though, I think we need to be kind to ourselves.  Jim was an adult.  He made his own decisions.  If you had treated him like a child, he probably would have resented that.  I think, too, that we make decisions based on the information and resources we have available to us at the time.  "If I had only known....I would have...." 

John's mother is angry with me because I didn't look after John's health....like it was my job to tell him what he could eat and to drag him to the doctor for a physical.  Umm...nope!  He, too, was a grown adult who made his own decisions.

I guess I just wish to encourage you to forgive yourself for being human.  We only have hindsight sometimes.  If guilt or regret are keeping you from being able to be a good mother and teacher now, then they have too much power over you.  I doubt you had any control over the reality that Jim was going to die.  I didn't have control over that reality for John.  It happened.  It sucks.  But somehow, we have to figure out how we can move forward and keep living.

I'm still working on that....

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Lisa

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Re: I blame myself.
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2015, 06:17:15 PM »
Maureen said  it all perfectly . Just wanted to show my support.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

Trying

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Re: I blame myself.
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2015, 07:33:09 PM »
I completely agree with Maureen.  The difficulty comes in getting your emotional self to believe what your intellectual self knows is true.  I blame myself for many things that have not gone well since DH died, I'm working very hard at being kinder to myself but some days it's so hard.  I try to think what I would say to a dear friend in my shoes and it is always much more supportive and understanding than what I say to myself. 

You are good enough, you did the best with what you knew at the time as did Jim.  Start talking to yourself as you would talk to a dear friend.
You will forever be my always.

lcoxwell

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Re: I blame myself.
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2015, 12:35:36 PM »
I think Maureen and Trying both said it perfectly. I just want you to know, that I can understand the questioning and self-blame. The reality is, I think we all, or nearly all of us, have some sort of regrets or self-doubts. Truth is, even if we made different decisions, there are no guarantees that the outcome would have been any different. Rather than seeing that there were no guarantees, rather than seeing that we made the best decisions we could, with the knowledge, information, and life circumstances that we had at the time, I think it is sometimes easier to give in to the blame game.

I agree with Trying, you are good enough. You did your best then, and you are likely doing your best now. Try to be kind to yourself, and try to realize that self-doubt and self-blame, while normal, does no one any good. Your husband loved you for a reason. Try to remember that.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

MissingSquish

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Re: I blame myself.
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2015, 07:38:24 PM »
Echoing the already great things that were said by Maureen and Trying. Forgiving yourself is really hard. Sending warm wishes your way. I'm sorry this is so hard.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Jen

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Re: I blame myself.
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2015, 08:56:12 AM »
I'm so stuck in this journey. ...  I'm furious with myself about my mistakes and my failures.  I'm still stuck in this quicksand pit of depression over 3 years later and I hate myself for being so weak and so screwed up.  It all comes down to me not being good enough.  I wasn't a good enough wife, I wasn't a good enough teacher, I'm not good enough at taking care of the house, I'm not a good enough mother.  I don't know how to get back up.  There have been times when I thought I was getting back up, but I fell again and again.  Now I'm afraid of trying.  Other people manage to get back on track again...why not me?

So much of your post resonates with me, down to your husband's name-- I had to do a double-take to be sure I didn't post this myself. I blame myself for so much of what happened with my Jim, even though I know, rationally, that he was an adult who made his own decisions-- and had to face the consequences of those decisions. He would never have blamed me for anything, so why do I feel so... responsible? I'm a nurse, I should have seen the red flags, I should have tried harder to intervene, I should have-- should have--

There's no point in raking it all up again and again. I can forgive anyone for anything, except myself. I don't know what else to do. I don't guess I'll ever get past this-- I think I'm stuck in hell forever. I hate it. :(
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton