Author Topic: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said  (Read 31328 times)

Laura1612

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #135 on: December 12, 2016, 08:23:51 PM »
Just read this entire thread. Glad I'm not alone.

The night he died, his sister came over crying and said "I'm sorry, but you only have one brother, you know?"
Um, I've only had one husband? I don't get this.

And, I got "You are free to do whatever you want now!" from a very longtime friend. I wish I had the heart to say "I don't know what kind of marriage you had, but I did whatever I wanted anyway. I wasn't in prison. I was in a relationship."

Sigh. I'm learning to forgive most people. Those two stick with me.

May the Force be with you.

jeudi

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #136 on: December 15, 2016, 05:16:27 PM »
I have a friend who is a little bit on the self-absorbed side of life. She told me,

"I can't believe I have a friend that this has happened to."

The worst I've ever heard though came to my brother who lost his son to cancer (son was in his early 30s) from my other brother, said brother's twin.

"Well, you should be OK because you still have me. I know you loved him but not like you love me." Granted, one twin lives in North Carolina and the other (the dick) lives in Arizona and they see each other maybe once every three years and haven't been close since they each got married (they are in their late sixties) and my non-dick brother was close to the son who died...

This dick brother of mine also told me when my husband died "at least you are a (maiden name) again." I am now remarried and didn't take my new husband's last name. He REALLY can't wrap his pea brain around that!

Judy

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #137 on: December 15, 2016, 07:08:17 PM »
Umm, yes. Agreed . UN. be.lievable

Oh, that was in response to @MrsDan way back on page 1
« Last Edit: December 15, 2016, 07:54:38 PM by beth_krkswidow »
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

RyanAmysMom

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #138 on: December 29, 2016, 12:22:02 AM »
Less than 2 months after my DH passed, my son's high school teacher sent me an e-mail - He was in a new school, a new district - and his loss was so fresh....  The teacher said, "Ryan is in an honors program.  He needs to act like it.  He needs to get over it and move on and focus." 

I was furious, shot a copy of the e-mail to the principal (who did absolutely nothing) and then found out that the teacher had said the same words to my son's face.....  "get over it, move on...focus" 

Are you kidding me? 

So... he's now enrolled elsewhere..... 

ladybug

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #139 on: December 29, 2016, 04:32:23 AM »
At the grief support group I was in, the LEADER said to me that I was young and that I would get another husband.

This was less than a month into my grief.   I was shocked beyond words....I said nothing back to her.

I don't understand why some folks say such things to a widow or children.....so very hurtful are their words to all of us in grief.

So sorry that many of us here had to heard all these kinds of words in our time of raw grief.

wecouldbeheros

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #140 on: December 29, 2016, 04:24:23 PM »
I put myself in another person's perspective whenever I hear the things. And give every effort to understand the awkwardness. Simply some people don't know what to say, and even though it could be the totally wrong thing, sometimes at least people try to communicate. A for effort ?

born to run

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #141 on: December 29, 2016, 08:05:42 PM »
I have to remember that not everyone has the same kind of relationship that I had where we were each other's favorite person and loved out loud, knowing fully well how lucky we were every day. 

The woman on my staff who is upset that I can't listen to HER problems, who wrinkled up her nose and said 2 months in... "You're just always so angry" (NO SHIT) and when I said I was trying, she said further... "It's just not any better."... she doesn't get it.  And I can't make her get it. Nor should I waste time trying.  Her husband is a jerk to her.  And I don't feel bad for her; she chose him.  But she doesn't have what I had.  It helps me to stop and try to recognize that in a hurtful comment... their intentions may be good (or not), but they just don't have the same relevant experience with love. 

I keep coming back to our varying capacities, everyone has their own stuff going on, and I have to believe that everyone is simply doing the best that they can, with whatever coping mechanism they can use, no matter how messed up. 

Doesn't make me NOT want to punch people... but it stops me ;)

trying2breathe

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #142 on: December 30, 2016, 12:18:21 PM »
I've had very few comments that I consider insensitive, as wecouldbeheros suggests usually give people an A for effort for communicating.   One comment does stand out though.  Two months after DH died, I attended a family dinner with the in-laws, wore my wedding ring as I had not yet taken it off.  Sister-in-law asked why I was still wearing it, as I was no longer married.  Well duh ...... I told her that I'd take it off when I felt ready, that I still felt married.  She began reasons why I needed to move on.  Ugh, just ugh.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

mbanyard

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #143 on: December 31, 2016, 08:46:22 PM »
I read all of this thread and am appalled at why people say these things to us. (yes, most everything you've said has also been said to me at this point)

Here are a few that have stood out for me:

- A about 5 hours after my DH passed, my BIL told me I should sell my house;
- Same BIL told me a week after the funeral that I needed to get on with my life, in particular that I needed to find a new partner so I wasn't alone (A WEEK!);
- One of my best friend told me I was "lucky" that I no longer had a mortgage payment (since we have mortgage insurance) - I can tell you all...I certainly don't feel LUCKY and would rather be in a box in the street with my DH then in a mortgage free  home alone.

So yeah, people suck and I've come to expect the worst things to come out of their mouths.

I have not yet been disappointed :(

MB
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

Mcdc10

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #144 on: January 02, 2017, 01:09:17 AM »
Okay here goes,

-At my husband's death bed, someone says, "On a brighter note, I have sweet corn from my garden" I laughed inside because I knew my husband would be laughing too

- Someone said, "I know what you are feeling, I got divorce, it's just like death"

-My DH 30 year old nephew asked my then 13 year old son, "Do you have to sell your house?" Which made my son worry about loosing not only his father but his home.  I had to reassure him that we will be alright and there will be no major changes.

Sometimes I don't think people know what to say, so they say whatever pops up in their head.


geminigirl

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #145 on: January 07, 2017, 11:16:59 AM »
“You're young, you'll find someone else" So many people have said this to me.

“You're so lucky you get money every month for doing nothing" This came from my mother who is obsessed with how much money I'm getting from my husband's death. I would rather have my husband alive than his Social Security death benefits.

“I would love to have all that time alone"  This came from a well meaning friend that apparently hates her life.

“At least now you don't have to cook dinner every night" Same friend.

“Now you can do whatever you want" This was followed by how I could start a new career, move, date hot men and have a new fun filled life. Different clueless friend.

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #146 on: January 19, 2017, 08:55:51 AM »
On my Shit List:

1. ADT rep...may need to eat my fist for breakfast
2. Storage Unit Jackass...swift kick to his bird eggs delivered by my square toed boots.
3. Anyone else??

I couldn't believe their temerity to say such things to you. Grrrr....

Baylee

I can't believe you had the restraint to use the word temerity!  ;)
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #147 on: January 19, 2017, 09:21:41 AM »
2 people, yes 2, said "I wish it had been my husband instead of yours.  We don't even like each other"  The second time I did respond " I wish it had been yours too" 

Previously very close friend "You'll be married again in a few months"  Umm, I didn't marry Grant until I was 47.  First for both of us.  5 years later I still haven't dated.

Grant fell from a tree while hunting.  Man at work said to my co-workers "He probably jumped just to get away from her" 
BTW, this is a man who, when he was very ill, I took food up to ICU for his family 3-4 times, took snuggly blankets, etc.
When our boss scheduled a meeting with him, he quit.

Ask me again why I don't like people?

I'm speechless.  And I  agree - I hate people. I used to be such a nice person...
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #148 on: January 19, 2017, 09:40:50 AM »
what people say does amaze me
the worst one I got was at my nieces baby shower so not really someone I knew well
she came up to me and said
"Sorry about your husband but this was the best thing that could have happened to you because you look great "    wtf
so I just assume that people walk away saying to themselves ...why the hell did I just say that !

Unfortunately,  I  disagree.  I think they walk away, patting themselves on the back, thinking, "what a nice thing I just said!'
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Milojka

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #149 on: February 02, 2017, 10:41:09 AM »
I have been widowed for 2 years, but you do not forget those things do you?

In the first week after his death my sister - she knew how close my dh and I always had been - said three times that going through a divorce is so much worse than a bereavement. She got divorced herself 5 years ago. She tried to explain why, but I saw no point in doing a thing irrelevant as comparing two different things. In the first week, the worst week of my life! Three times!

A month after his death, I went for Christmas to my parents, although I didn't feel like it. I just did it for them. When everyone had arrived - my siblings and their children -  my mother stepped into the circle of chairs and said, smiling: " I am so glad everyone could make it and be here except for [one of her grandchildren] who is traveling..."
I started crying and couldn't stop for the rest of the day and regretted having come. My parents never mention my dh although they loved him a lot. I have tried to talk to them, explaining that I love talking about him, that it is painful if they keep avoiding his name. I later heard that they have asked my brother if he could give me emotional support, as they couldnt.
I know they mean well, they just don't know how to deal with this. They stem from a generation where emotions and problems were " swept under the carpet".






« Last Edit: February 02, 2017, 10:50:37 AM by Milojka »