Author Topic: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said  (Read 31580 times)

kjs1989

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #150 on: February 02, 2017, 11:45:55 AM »
Milojka,

It is amazing how family, of all people, can spew forth some of the most insensitive comments. I have experienced that, too.

My brother actually made the comment that he didn't understand why I wasn't coping better. After all, I wasn't by any means left destitute he said. Also, others experience this loss all the time and just pick up the pieces and go on. He then went on to name several people, including Katie Couric. 

My BIL (husband's brother) actually told someone who passed it on to me, that I am not a (insert married name) so the family business which my husband, with my support, worked so hard to grow five times over after BIL sold his shares to him, should be back in his control.

Yep, gotta love family.




Nicky11

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #151 on: February 03, 2017, 07:45:09 AM »
Oh my! I never would have thought that comments like these were so common... I kind of thought my people were a special kind of insensitive. Here are a few of mine...

Between Brian passing and his funeral, I was staying at my mom's because we had his service in our hometown. My mom informs me that my aunt is taking her out for lunch for her birthday... I'm like "Oh my gosh! I completely forgot. I'm so sor... wait... your birthday isn't until the middle of next month! What are you like ten years old???"

She has also told me how fortunate I am a few times. Fortunate... what, because I didn't have to move to a cardboard box? Because I gladly would if I could have my Brian back.

My answer to the divorce comparison... "You're right. Divorce is worse. Brian didn't WANT to leave me."

I tend to give a pass to those who mean well but just don't know what to say. I've been there! Even since Brian's passing... I don't know what to say to other newer widows. Isn't that weird? It all most feels even more difficult because asking "How are you?" the answer pops in my head like "How do you think they are!"

Wheelerswife

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #152 on: February 03, 2017, 07:57:10 AM »
Hi, Nicky,

I'm sorry you had to join our club.  I understand that many people don't know what to say, as they have never been in our shoes.  As for this:

I tend to give a pass to those who mean well but just don't know what to say. I've been there! Even since Brian's passing... I don't know what to say to other newer widows. Isn't that weird? It all most feels even more difficult because asking "How are you?" the answer pops in my head like "How do you think they are!"

Your question is likely to be appreciated by other young widows because it is sincere and likely a place where they can truly answer the question honestly.  If you identify yourself as a young widow yourself, you are likely to find yourself in a situation similar to this website...amongst people who understand and can be sensitively supportive. 

"I know this is really hard.  How are you?  I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to."

This goes a long way...

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

oneoftwo

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #153 on: February 16, 2017, 08:14:52 PM »
We lost my love when we went off the road in snow, we all were there:
-my sister-in-law asked how much money I got for the truck
- my employer (kindly) set up an account for our 3 children, not so sensitive co-worker said gleefully "Oh, but that money must help!"
- my really wonderful mother in law, when I broke down once years later and told her in tears "I just miss him s much"- she replied "We all miss him"- I know that is true, but I also miss him in the quiet way a spouse only knows, late at night/early in the morning. And in the way a co-conspirator knows "Look- we made these kids!"
- poor young cashier who looked at me one day and asked "Is something wrong?" And all I could manage was "Yes"
- my sister asked me pretty early on "What is XX doing?" XX being my high school boyfriend, who I would not once think of trying to contact, given how he treated me. So weird she asked about him
« Last Edit: February 16, 2017, 08:50:59 PM by oneoftwo »

KrypticKat

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #154 on: March 11, 2017, 11:47:24 AM »
I've got a contender for just being THE WORST to a widow.

My boss called me in about 3 days before Christmas to talk about my continued transition back to full time work. It wasn't great timing to begin with but about half way through the conversation she told me she'd read an article recently on why it's hard to be a young widow around the holidays.

She then began to 'educate' me on what she found so interesting about the article (um, yeah, pretty sure I have the expert opinion on why it sucks to be a young widow at Christmas here!). Then she cuts in: "And you know one of the hardest parts is the sexual stuff."

Ummm...What?

"You know, because you are so young."

Oh my god my boss is trying to talk to me about my non existent sex life three days before my first Christmas alone. Shoot me....please shoot me.

I was so stunned and didn't want to break down in the room that I tried to change the subject. I tried to say something to the affect of I hope one day I can look forward to the holidays again as I did in years past to which she replied:

"Yeah, but back then you had hope".

There are no words for this. Needless to say I'm looking for a new job.

Jennica

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #155 on: March 12, 2017, 09:02:50 PM »
About a month after my husband passed my daughter asked if I was going to remarry now. It blew my mind that she asked and it was so upsetting that this is what she was now worried about. I was telling a fellow co-worker this story and she responded... and laughing at the same time, well not yet anyway. I was so stunned. Some people just don't get it or something.

Monique

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #156 on: March 17, 2017, 10:22:31 PM »
"You look good!"/ "You've lost weight!" --well, yeah, that tends to happen when you don't eat for a week.

"You'll find someone else"

"You only knew him for 2 years, eventually it'll seem like a small part of your life."

The one that made me the most mad, though, was when his BIL volunteered to pick out clothes for the viewing, and then complained about the cost when "They're just going to be burned anyway."

Oh, and my family suggested I should get together with his younger brother, as if it would be exactly the same as having him back.

And they keep coming...

"Lots of people move on after being widowed; you will too."

"Maybe getting married was just too much pressure for him."

"It's probably for the best. You probably wouldn't have had a happy marriage anyway." Um, our relationship was amazing. I've never known a love like we had. Don't EVER tell me that losing him was for the best.

"You should be mad at him. What he did was really selfish." No. Just no.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2017, 05:42:23 PM by Monique »
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." --The Princess Bride

bromans

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #157 on: April 11, 2017, 09:12:43 AM »
At the cemetery,  3 days after he unexpectedly died, buying the plots...  "You sure you want two? You are young and pretty, you'll probably marry again."


This, though I wasn't called pretty because I'm a man, was said to me a couple of times. Once by the funeral director, once by the headstone guy when I told him I wanted a double headstone.

bromans

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #158 on: April 11, 2017, 10:00:43 AM »
Also, has anyone else whose spouse was in a car accident  gotten a snoody "probably texting" or "I thought she was a GOOD driver" as if to say these things only happen to people who drive like idiots. I got both of these from distant relatives who I will (now) probably never speak to again.

kjs1989

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #159 on: April 11, 2017, 10:19:07 AM »
 Hi bromans,

It seems to me when your spouse dies in a horrific accident some people want to rationalize it, because of course it could never happen to one of THEIR loved ones.

My husband died in a boat accident on a dark foggy morning when the boat driver was speeding to get to their duck blind before it was claimed by someone else, and he hit a channel marker in the river. My husband was thrown from the  boat and drown in three feet of water. The question I repeatedly got was, "Couldn't he swim??"

My husband was a scuba diver. Yes, he could swim, except that it is hard to swim when you are unconscious, which often happens when you are thrown with great force from a speeding boat perhaps hitting your head in the process.

KrypticKat

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #160 on: April 11, 2017, 11:12:16 AM »
@bromans

I had every possible explanation given. Texting, maybe he had a seizure, he was too stressed from work...God has a plan...God needed him early...grrr.

We all make split second decisions when driving. We all make educated assumptions about drivers around us. It just happens that most of us don't get in accidents. But they happen even with good drivers. I think sometimes people forget we drive tonnes of glass and metal at break neck speeds and news flash there is risk with that.

People just wanna wrap your tragedy in a nice neat little package because then they don't have to face the reality that the world is random and even good people lose sometimes.

This tragedy does not define you or the wonderful person you significant other was. Screw other people's theories.


2ManyQuestions

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #161 on: April 11, 2017, 11:12:58 AM »
I have heard these comments many times.

This is the second time, what are you doing to these girls?
Can you add more names to your headstone?
You had no much luck with girls.
(Widowed twice) Does this mean the same girl died twice.
This is the second time.
You must be able to retire now.
You can write a book on what to do

There are likely others, but those are the top ones that come to mind

-D

Bunny

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #162 on: June 01, 2017, 06:25:06 PM »
Was at a party recently, didn't know many people. Start making polite chit chat with a woman that somehow turns into more personal stuff and her proclaiming divorce is just a traumatic as widowhood. I try to go with it by asking sympathetically about (what I assumed to be) her very shitty divorce. Turns out, they still talk all the time! I was speechless so the pronouncement ended up just sitting there between us. Probably best.


The texting assumption for a fatal car accident reminds me of the 'did he smoke?' question I got when telling people how my husband died. It's just such a stupid, insensitive, shitty thing to ask- whether they smoked/texted or they didn't. These questions imply the dead person is at fault for being dead.  These questions/pronouncements are ALL about the person being terrified of death and needing to justify that this could never ever happen to them or someone they love. Well, guess what people?! Spoiler Alert: you're gonna fuckin' die someday.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2017, 10:50:48 PM by Bunny »
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Adley

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #163 on: June 01, 2017, 06:52:03 PM »
Exactly Bunny. It's all about their fear.  And I guess it's not even their fault.  Still sucks for us though.
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

KrypticKat

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #164 on: June 08, 2017, 06:56:12 PM »
I was talking to my mother about getting life insurance to cover my new mortgage for the house I just bought on my own. She asked 'who are you buying it for'.

Cause I'm gonna die alone now so fuck protecting my investments right?