Author Topic: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said  (Read 31354 times)

Ursula

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #60 on: April 14, 2015, 09:52:00 PM »
Oh dear, this is too much... Whaaaa, some people really do need a slap in their face....
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

Birdbucket

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #61 on: April 20, 2015, 06:19:38 AM »
I think when these comments hurt the worst is the intention behind them. We've all got these. The comments that are easier to blow off are the ones that come from people who are uncomfortable but mean well. Those I don't even remember anymore. But these two are the ones I'll never forget....

At a party for my in-laws a year maybe after LH died, I was telling this man who I was... daughter-in-law of their son who died a year ago. He asked how he died, and I said cancer. His reply, "What did you Do to him?" followed by laughter at his insanely funny joke. I was too stunned and all I could do was walk away.

A few days after the funeral, my parents were leaving to go back to the States. The last thing my mom said to me as I'm sitting in LH's chair in my bathrobe still in shock was... "You. Need. To. Get. Your. Act. Together." then just grabbed her suitcase and left. To this day she has no idea how much that hurt me and still does. It felt more like desertion.

Carey

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #62 on: April 20, 2015, 07:34:26 AM »
You're right. The intention behind them, and who they come from.  Because like in your example, You need to get your act together, coming from your mother, one of the people you would have hoped would support you the most, hurt way more than a stranger saying you need to get your act together. So even sometimes the actual thing that is said isn't what makes it cruel or insensitive but Who said it.  My mom has been widowed twice, the first time she was like 35 years old with two small children so she should SO get it. But she doesn't.  She's one of the meanest people in my life.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

JacklessSally

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #63 on: April 27, 2015, 07:33:28 AM »
"Are those his shoes?"
"Yes", most of them"
"Are those his clothes in the closet?"
"Yeah, there are a few more on the other side as well"
"You really need to pack those up"


... Excuse me?
B.H.S. 1-20-1974 - 11-13-2014

You will always be my Jack and I will always be your Sally. For we were simply meant to be.

kjs1989

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #64 on: April 27, 2015, 11:11:34 AM »
I had a long term friend of both D and mine say to me shortly after D's death. "Wow... yeah, sucks to be you."

A friend's husband said: "I'll bet he was really scared right before the accident."
                                         "Are you going to sell his boat?"
                                          After taking it upon himself  to check out D's unorganized workbench and tools:
                                                " Wow, D always was a slob!!"                               

My brother's gems: "Stop making this all about you."
                                 "Throw his shit away.Get on with life!!"
                                 "Other people survive this; look at Katie Couric!"
                                   I don't know why this is so hard; at  least you have some money!"

At the funeral at acquaintance said: "Gee, I didn't realize his hair had gotten so grey! He was only 50!"
« Last Edit: April 27, 2015, 11:16:33 AM by kjs1989 »

Carey

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #65 on: April 27, 2015, 01:32:15 PM »
kjs....wow. Katie Couric huh?  How incredible dense some people can be ... and coming from someone who is family and supposed to love you; just makes me shake my head.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

Captains wife

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #66 on: April 27, 2015, 03:13:09 PM »
Heard from another widow - but to be fair she meant it in a nice way. "My situation was bad but I cant even imagine what you are going though now, with a young child on your own".

kmouse

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #67 on: April 27, 2015, 03:30:50 PM »
Heard from another widow - but to be fair she meant it in a nice way. "My situation was bad but I cant even imagine what you are going though now, with a young child on your own".

Ugh. Ranks right there with what I've gotten from wids and nonwids: "Well, at least you didn't have kids." Yeah, that factor does make everything waaaay easier to deal with. (Strangely enough, six years hasn't been quite enough to resolve the missing him AND the kids we should have had together AND the decade of infertility we struggled with. Guess I'm not doing things correctly.)

I've not been able to really ferret out if it's meant kindly or as a minimizer. *shrug*

Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. -Anonymous

And sometimes it can give a second. -Me

RWV 7/7/56-4/13/09 I would have waited forever.

marjoe

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #68 on: April 27, 2015, 04:37:39 PM »
The first few months, I got a lot of "OMG, I can't even imagine it." Ok, so it's fellow humans musing. Years later, I get that. But at the time, I thought to myself, shit, I don't have to imagine, I'm living it. And you're secure from this happening to you? What this comment made me feel was alienated from the rest of humanity.

Guaruj

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #69 on: April 28, 2015, 07:46:25 PM »
I don't have the most outrageous comment to report.  What's most surprising is who said it to me.  It was the facilitator of my widow support group!

I started going there about 2-3 months after Catherine died, because I became openly enraged with people at work.  I wasn't asking anybody for advice on how to deal with losing my wife; I had already made up my mind about that:
  • The first place I went each day was to visit Catherine's grave (this is still true)
  • I stayed at home most of the time when I wasn't at work. I didn't want to talk to other people (no longer true).
  • When I did leave the house, I made sure I was well-dressed in slacks and a sport jacket (also no longer true).  People were more polite to me because of that.
I explained this to her and the group on the very first night I attended. She responded by asking the group

     Does anyone else find it helpful to wear a 'suit of armor' like Mark does?

I thought it was a stupid remark.  It wasn't the last one I heard from her.  She frequently tried to present the customs I adopted as some kind of weakness.  I stopped going there around February or March.  I now have something better to do on that night of the week.

Honestly, if somebody told you they attended your support group because of rage issues, why would say provocative things to them?

|+|  M a r k  |+|

Justin

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #70 on: May 06, 2015, 03:56:22 PM »
This past Sunday, DD and I went to home of my wife's parents for Sunday dinner (as we do most weeks). I was talking with my wife's dad about her and our memories, and he said "I hope you never do forget about her."

Now, these are good people that I love, and I was just caught off-guard by this comment. I know that he always wants his daughter to be remembered, but really, WTF?


Probably the most insensitive thing is what my mother has said to me: nothing. She last called me in January to invite me out to eat for my birthday. I already had plans, and couldn't go on the night she suggested. I last saw her on Thanksgiving, even though we live in the same town.
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

Amor

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #71 on: May 06, 2015, 08:02:57 PM »
Guaruja,
I wore nice clothes for awhile out in public too.  It helped me not feel as bad and others would not look at me like I was as much of a miss as I truly was.  So it helped. 

The other day I was chatting with a new deaf friend.  When I told her my Love died she asked if I was really married and that my Love really died. I showed her pictures of me wedding to prove it.

biscuit

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #72 on: May 07, 2015, 12:39:10 AM »
The day of the wake, as I was sitting outside of the room with my husbands cold body in it. A distant relative said:
"Did you have any children?"
"No"
"Well, you never know, you might have a surprise bun in the oven"

I don't know why she thought in this time of shock it would be a great thing to learn that I am suddenly pregnant by my now deceased husband

nonesuch

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #73 on: May 07, 2015, 06:00:48 AM »
I try like heck not to infer unkind meanings from ham-handed comments.  Most of the people around me mean well, and I suspect (this is what I choose to believe, I guess) are scared s---less at the prospect of losing a spouse.

For me:  an acquaintance invited me over for dinner. When I got there, instead of having dinner made, we went out to a chain restaurant. During dinner she spent an hour showing me her prospective dates from E Harmony on her iPhone.  It was four days after LH died.

 I wasn't even sad, just stunned at her insensitivity. Researcher Nonesuch was surfaced, and we continued with dinner, just waiting to see if she would EVER catch herself and say, "OHG! I'm sorry."  She never did.  As I said, she was an acquaintance, not a friend.

In truth, SHE was the one who helped formulate my philosophy about why many people are uneasy around widows.  I had worked with her for several years, and she was unhappily divorced.   When she spoke of having a partner, it was always about how someone would be watching out for her, be there for her, etc.  I doubt it has entered her consciousness yet that she would be a caretaker for someone instead o the other way around.

Baylee627

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #74 on: May 07, 2015, 10:46:26 AM »
This lil gem, courtesy of my "bestie". File this under, #shitpeoplesaytowidows.

"If I were you, I'd move to the beach--like maybe Hawaii-- and get a beach house and I'd spend my days working from my laptop, outside. That would be sooo nice. Wouldn't you love that?"

Apparently, being widowed equates with having been freed up to live the life you've only ever dreamed about, at the beach.

(Sneer).

Baylee
Though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion--Dylan Thomas