Author Topic: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said  (Read 31271 times)

MrsDan

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2015, 09:23:37 AM »
Mine was when a fellow young widow told me "to look in the mirror" when I lamented on the other board that I would probably never know the reasons behind my DH's suicide.

But Linda gets the prize for getting the biggest asshole comment.
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And nothing can take that away.

Baylee627

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2015, 09:36:29 AM »
The office manager, about the most unpleasant old mare ever conceived takes one look at my stricken, tearful face and chirped brightly: "don't you worry, you are still young and you'll get married again

Your cemetery witch and my gravedigger must have studied at the same school for the obnoxious!

Or perhaps they are first cousins, who knows!

Baylee
Though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion--Dylan Thomas

Carey

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #17 on: March 10, 2015, 09:52:09 AM »
Whoa Linda .... that was not only obnoxious it was hurtful and downright mean. Hope you don't have any contact with that person anymore.  Sheesh............some people .....
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
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I know you've gone too far
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Tweety76

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #18 on: March 10, 2015, 10:27:57 AM »
Oh boy Linda and JacklessSally! Horrible! I remember commenting on the old board that it actually hurts even more when the DGI/hurtful comments come from a fellow widow(er).

Linda: that was just whoa! awful. What is wrong with people?
JS: I'm so sorry you had to witness that. Suicidal thoughts are so common and talking about them keeps us alive. Been there, done that, YWBB caught me.

I really haven't had any DGI comments just mild blurts. I however am capable of "smiting" (sorry! couldn't resist) them back either with politeness or just down right rude back.

Hugs all!

marian1953

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #19 on: March 10, 2015, 12:40:43 PM »
"Peter was nothing but an alcoholic and a drug addict." About four months into his death, maybe less.
This was one of my sisters on the phone, asking again for money. Peter was sober and we had supported her for years (autistic nephew) and her lousy assed husband lazed around for years trying to make it as a musician.
To this day I can feel the shock and hurt when she said it. The venom is her voice.


Trying

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2015, 12:47:00 PM »
My worst was from an IRL widow friend just after DH died.  He and I spent 8 years by her side after her husband died and my DH did countless things to help her because that's the kind of guy he was.  She said to me"you will never have anyone who will help you now as much as Tim (my DH) helped me". "You have no idea how hard this is on me and my kids" referring to the death of MY husband and my kids Dad.  And another goodie from her " you will be remarried within a year because you're not as picky as me". 
You will forever be my always.

Jen

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #21 on: March 10, 2015, 12:47:41 PM »
I think the worst thing anyone has said to me came from one of my coworkers. I was talking about how I was not only grieving my sweet Jim, but the loss of my relationship, and the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. (Mind you, not one person has given me the "oh, you'll find someone else" line. It's like everybody I know thinks I should hie me to the nunnery.) My friend-- and I really do think of her as one, even after this particularly poorly chosen line-- told me, "You need a rich old gay guy. Then you can spend his money and do what you want."

I don't know, maybe that doesn't strike anyone else as particularly insensitive, but it just about shattered me. In those words I heard, "You will never have love again, you will never have sex again, no man will ever look at you, ever, so forget it! LOSER!!" Probably that's far from what she meant, but jeez... :-/
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Tweety76

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #22 on: March 10, 2015, 12:55:03 PM »
My eyes hurt! for reading...

sphoc

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #23 on: March 10, 2015, 12:58:46 PM »
I've had a few doozies, coworkers and family alike:

1) 5 days after DH died of a self-inflicted GSW, my second day at work (yeah, he died on Thursday, I was back at work Monday) while at a meeting to review cases, "I'm going to shoot myself if I have to deal with this agent."
2) 3 month anniversary after coworker asked me if I was ok and I mentioned I was having a rough day that day, "Shouldn't you be over that by now?"

Never mind some of the hateful suggestions I got from family - stepmother (who didn't particularly care for DH) recommended shipping his ashes back to the UK and letting his people "deal with it". There are more, but those were probably the worst.

Mac

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #24 on: March 10, 2015, 01:42:43 PM »
I had a bunch of people over to my house the night of the funeral, after the formal reception.

One college friend said to me: "Well Cindy must have been a bitch and a nag at times." My response: "In terms of the bitch part, we all have our days don't we Kelly? In terms of the nag part, Cindy never wanted to be a stereotypical spouse. I can be a bit of procrastinator at times, she didn't even nag me about stuff that she probably should have."
Grateful for the past. Embracing the present. Trusting in the future.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #25 on: March 10, 2015, 01:50:39 PM »
I went to my gynecologist about 3 weeks after my first husband died.  My husband had a significant disability and had been critically sick the year before.  When I told her he had died a few weeks earlier, she said to me, "You will be better off without him."  (WTF???????)

My own father, 3 months after my first husband died:  "You knew he was going to die.  Why are you so sad?"

I never went back to that gynecologist, and I see my father about once a year now.

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

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Mangomom

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #26 on: March 10, 2015, 01:54:57 PM »
MAc, you reminded me of my husband's boss who came to visit in the days between the death and funeral.  y mom was there and she is overweight, out of shape, smoker and frequently eats McDonalds 3 times a day.  Boss says, as I am walking him out to the car, "We use to talk about your mom's health a lot.  Why the fuck is she here and he is dead?"  I was like...  Umm...  excuse me?

nonesuch

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #27 on: March 10, 2015, 07:23:18 PM »
I was lucky. Everyone around me was pretty good. My only moment came actually a couple years in.

I'm pretty straightforward. For some months after LH's passing, I would say, "He died." I came to believe that was sort of bashing folks over the head with hard news, so I softened my approach. The irony is rich.

So, two years out, I was at the hardware store buying something or other, and the clerk asked for my phone number. I gave it, and he said, "The account registered to X." Me, being all sensitive to passing out bad news, started with, "Unfortunately..." and here I paused, giving the clerk a moment to process..."X is deceased."

Immediately he came back with, "It's really hard to change the name on the account."

Sarcasm is not my most attractive feature, but I may have rolled my eyes in public.

On the plus side, this hardware store keeps my paint purchases on record so I don't have to keep track for matching, and they have a resident cat.

Kamcho

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #28 on: March 10, 2015, 07:54:38 PM »
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« Last Edit: June 04, 2015, 07:25:34 AM by Kamcho »

MrsT85

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Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
« Reply #29 on: March 10, 2015, 08:32:23 PM »
My Tim died in early April 2013.  After almost a half dozen years at our old apartment, we gave them notice at the end of  012 that we'd be out be out by the end of May 2013.  Tim was going to graduate with his teaching degree at the end of April, and then he'd have a full month with no other obligations to get our place packed up, since I work full time.

Right after his accident, I asked if I could stay (and pay for, of course!) an extra month so I wasn't grieving his sudden loss AND trying to frantically pack up all of OUR old things without him.  It actually physically hurt for me to be in the apartment for the first few weeks after he died - as soon as I walked through the door, my back would seize up and I'd break down into tears when I was hit with the familiar scent of our home.  They told me at his funeral (verbally, of course...I should have gotten it in writing, those motherfuckers) that of course I could stay.  To take as much time as I needed.  Then they changed their mind when they decided I wasn't going fast enough and starting threatening me with legal action. 

Here's an actual quote from one of the emails they sent me:

"We have both suffered through the loss of loved ones and certainly have no wish to add to your burden. However, you must recognize the potential financial burden and time line we are facing. You advised us in December that you would be terminating your tenancy and reminded us several times throughout the first quarter of this year and yet it appears that no effort to bring the apartment into compliant cleanliness was made."

This was my imagined reply posted to ywbb, a little more than a month after his accident

"Yes, we gave you a written notice in December that we'd be out of the apartment at the end of May.

That was in December. Tim died at the beginning of April. So guess what, I'm not going to be out of the apartment at the originally scheduled time. Then you told my mother (who passed the message along to me) that as long as I paid the rent, I could stay and move my stuff out at my own pace. So now that I want to stay until the end of June, you email and tell me that today is my 30 day notice - I need to be out by June 11th. That's for the extra fucking week and a half.

And yes, the apartment is a mess. I don't care that you can't show it right now, I'm dealing with some shit of my own. I don't give a damn about the money you might be losing, since the apartment is "prime real estate." You are a miserable old husband and wife that - guess what! - still have each other, two children, and grandchildren! So tell me again what parts of my apartment you're "disappointed" in. Tell me again which specific part of the apartment that I may have left in a state of disrepair is "really terrible."

We were there for over 5 years. We were never once late with a rent payment. Have a little fucking compassion.

Fuck both of you. You'll get your fucking money, just leave me alone. I don't care about grout, or mold, or greasy kitchen appliances."
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01/12/1977-04/06/2013