Author Topic: having waaaaay too many bad days  (Read 247 times)

roch82

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having waaaaay too many bad days
« on: November 30, 2017, 06:39:57 PM »
Hello.. my husband of 14 years died unexpectedly on 14Sept2017 in a car accident involving alcohol... we were separated at the time, but it was something I didn't want.. it's been 11 weeks, and I am getting worse... I found out some pretty effed up things after he died (like I'm sure many of you have done as well).. so, I have lies, betrayals, secrets, AND his death that I am dealing with...

I can't stop crying.. I have like 20 crying fits a day.. I've lost 20lbs.. I'm so hurt and ANGRY! how do you all deaaaaaaal???? I'm having such a hard time.....

WifeLess

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Re: having waaaaay too many bad days
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2017, 10:50:54 PM »
roch82,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

Yes, in the early weeks and months it is extremely hard, and it often gets worse as the initial shock begins to wear off. And of course, the pain may be compounded when there are complicating factors, as you indicate in your post. So it is not surprising that you feel as you describe. But it is nevertheless possible to survive this. We just have to hold on long enough, and things will begin to get better.

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

« Last Edit: December 01, 2017, 08:36:09 AM by WifeLess »

roch82

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Re: having waaaaay too many bad days
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2017, 09:23:47 AM »
I literally feel like I cannot survive this... It's too much.. I cry constantly and I'm really tired of it.. I don't know what more I can do... I just wish I could see him one last time... tell him I love him.. and that I wanted to work on our marriage--- but there's no point in that...... those thoughts will make me insane, people say.. but honestly, thinking that we could have salvaged our marriage, puts a smile on my face.... I don't wanna think about the reasons why we separated.... I'm rambling.....
« Last Edit: December 01, 2017, 09:43:41 AM by roch82 »

Mizpah

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Re: having waaaaay too many bad days
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2017, 09:55:20 AM »
What you describe sounds very normal to me, unfortunately.  I've heard "the only way out is through," but them being dead is forever, so it's kinda more like, "the only way through is through."  You WILL feel more stable eventually.  But it takes a very long time.  (It's different for everyone.)  And sometimes you'll feel a tad better only to feel worse following that. 

As for feeling like you can't survive it, I'm sure many/most of us were there, though I honestly (mercifully) can't remember much of the first five months (and, like you, I lost a lot of weight).  It feels physically unsurvivable.  I always call it "bearing the unbearable." 

Do you have a therapist?  I strongly advise it.  Working through things you've learned afterwards gives you even more to work through and resolve.  There's loss, there's trauma, there is new information, there's just so much  hurt.  I can't emphasize enough how much I leaned on having that time to just empty the contents of my raw feelings in therapy.  I credit lots of therapy early on with helping me heal more healthily and long-term.  It also helped me to write, get it all out, I needed to get it out of me, and it was an ever-renewing spring of pain and sadness. 

I tried to get sunlight and be active - I knew that my insides were a very dark and complicated place, and I needed to counteract that as much I could with simple, basic, good creature stuff like sun and endorphins and sleep and hydration. 

I'm thinking of you, and I'm so sorry for all you're enduring.  You will survive this.  We are all next to, ahead of, and behind you on this path.  I used to look at the first widower I met after losing DH, and chant in my head: "If he survived it, I can survive it."   

Edited to add: From what I do remember, the first few days/weeks contain the worst feelings I've ever known or imagined.  You're not crazy for feeling so bad (maybe you're not wondering that, but I was).  It's natural.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2017, 12:12:30 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Julester3

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Re: having waaaaay too many bad days
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2017, 11:40:17 AM »
Mizpah said it well. I am sorry you are here with us and going through this. It sucks. It sucks so much like nothing you've ever experienced it! The what if's and regrets can eat you alive.  Please take it easy, be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Make small goals and find some thing to divert your attention from the grief to help you have a break from it. Hugs to you and we are here.

roch82

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Re: having waaaaay too many bad days
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2017, 04:36:18 AM »
I will be starting nursing school in January, so that'll be a nice distraction.. I just hope my grief doesn't get in the way of my potential success... damn, I really don't even wanna live anymore.. I have 3 children, but they aren't even giving me the motivation to live.. wtf?! That's not okay.. I can't leave them parentless.... I don't know how much more I can take 😭 this pain is too much

Wheelerswife

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Re: having waaaaay too many bad days
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2017, 04:52:56 AM »
I will be starting nursing school in January, so that'll be a nice distraction.. I just hope my grief doesn't get in the way of my potential success... damn, I really don't even wanna live anymore.. I have 3 children, but they aren't even giving me the motivation to live.. wtf?! That's not okay.. I can't leave them parentless.... I don't know how much more I can take 😭 this pain is too much

I’m so sorry you had to join this club. I was in school when my second husband died unexpectedly and school gave me purpose and a place to be every day and deadlines for reading and assignments. That helped me put one foot in front of the other to move through the days and weeks and months.

If your school has counseling services, take advantage of them. I found that having someone to listen to me and my woes helped me to have a place to dump them, if you will, so I could focus on other things.

Be kind to yourself.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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