Author Topic: Unique and Devastating Loss  (Read 5173 times)

Jen

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Unique and Devastating Loss
« on: March 08, 2015, 05:37:34 PM »
Quote from: Tweety76
Another post by Wifeless that meant a lot to me and still does.

Quote from: WifeLess, July 2010
Fellow YWBB members,

Although each of us here knows all too well how catastrophic the loss of our spouse has been, trying to impress this on those around us, probably none of whom are widowed, is often a frustrating task. So I recently went looking for a one page explanation (the attention span of most people) of what specifically makes the loss of one's spouse so "unique and devastating". But, after finding nothing suitable on the web or in print, I decided to take on the question myself.

Below is an attempt to briefly explain the true extent and unique nature of our loss, how devastating that loss has been to our lives, and the tremendous challenges we now face. Words alone may never be able to truly convey these to the non-widowed, but words are all we have. Perhaps the following ones can help.


Unique and Devastating Loss (by WifeLess)

With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiance, significant other, partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse?s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.

« Last Edit: March 17, 2016, 07:59:15 PM by WifeLess »
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

WifeLess

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2015, 06:36:37 PM »
Thank you for reposting my "Unique and Devastating Loss" essay. I hope it will be of help to any new widow or widower who finds their way here.

--- WifeLess

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2015, 09:52:31 PM »
Your essay resonated so well with me especially in my early days when I thought nobody understood or got it. When I read this I thought yes this....
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

widowat33

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2015, 11:56:21 PM »
So happy to see this here..I posted once about how they were more than just our spouse, and you directed me to this thread. Beautifully written and so true!

Gabzmom

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2015, 12:06:41 AM »
I would like to bookmark this thread or save to a favorite.  Is there a way to do that on this board?
"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry." ~Cat Stevens

SimiRed

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2015, 06:26:08 AM »
Great essay...
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

WifeLess

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2015, 08:24:05 PM »
Since "Letter To A Friend" was just reposted for newer members, perhaps there would be value in bumping this up as well.


« Last Edit: September 06, 2015, 08:25:45 PM by WifeLess »

WifeLess

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2015, 10:16:58 AM »
Since the Holiday Season is often a time for memories and reflection, bumping this thread up as a reminder of how much is lost when we are widowed.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2015, 07:18:52 PM by WifeLess »

Elbel66

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2015, 11:31:19 AM »
This describes so many of my feelings perfectly.  At this point (almost 4 months out), I don't want to be a part of anything where people don't know me as part of the couple I was with my husband....even if they didn't know him, they knew I was a wife and half of a couple.   At my jobs, few have met my husband, yet they heard me talk about him.  I am not ready to move onto a job where people will meet me as a widow, as single, not as half of a couple.   I am still married in my mind and heart and feel I will remain so for the foreseeable future.

WifeLess

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2016, 01:28:36 PM »
Today marks exactly 7 years since my wife's tragic death. To commemorate this sad day, I am bumping this thread up for all who have suffered their own unique and devastating loss.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2016, 01:43:20 PM »
Hugs, Wifeless. 

Thank you for your contributions to this board and its predecessor.  You have been willing to be open with the experience of losing your wife and that has touched many people.

I will always remember how you were there for me, too, when I lost John.

Maureen

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Bluebird

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2016, 10:21:32 PM »
Today marks exactly 7 years since my wife's tragic death. To commemorate this sad day, I am bumping this thread up for all who have suffered their own unique and devastating loss.

Thank you WifeLess,

I still remember the day I first read this post because it had such a tremendous impact on me. As sad as all of our losses are, it felt good to know that someone else understood what I was going through.

I can't believe it is seven years since you lost Beverly. From all you have shared about her I know she is a very special and much loved person.

With love and hugs, Bluebird
My First Love, Peace Be Thine

mbanyard

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2016, 08:49:03 PM »
This is so beautifully written, and so very true on all counts. Thank you for writing it, and thank you everybody for understanding.
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2017, 08:31:37 AM »
Perfect
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

KiwiMac13

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Re: Unique and Devastating Loss
« Reply #14 on: February 24, 2017, 12:06:20 AM »
I'm 2 months tomorrow and your words are exactly how I feel right now. I really can't imagine how my future is going to turn out now.  Thanks for writing.

Kiwi