Author Topic: lost  (Read 1986 times)


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« on: May 23, 2015, 09:31:04 PM »
I am so happy to find this forum. I don't know any other widows.

I live in the country, 2hrs from the city we moved from before our little girl was born (she is 4). We were just coming out of the new-parent-hole and starting to see our old friends in the city again when my husband got sick. Months later, he was gone.

Both of our families are scattered and thousands of miles away. My closest friends are miles away and have small children of their own. I spent way too much time caring for him alone during his illness (his family was in denial that he was terminal until 2 days before he died) and way too much time alone since. It's been 3 months now and I feel like such an outcast and so incredibly tired. I haven?t had a day off from childcare since my husband passed away. My little girl won?t let me out of her sight. I?m lucky to be self-employed and saved enough money to take a break from work, but I will have to get back to it this summer (my husband left us only medical debts).

Every inch of the house reminds me of him. He died in the bed we sleep in. I want to move far, far, away but at the same time I?m trying to keep everything normal for her. I don?t know what to do next.  I?m lost.


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Re: lost
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2015, 09:45:11 PM »
In many ways, reading your post was like you were describing my own story, at three months out. I, too, was isolated from the nearest city, and my family and friends were thousands of miles away. I hadn't developed nearby friendships, due to having to spend so much time taking care of my terminally ill husband.

I am sorry you have a reason to join us, but I am happy that you found us. There are some truly incredible people here, who are always willing to advise, encourage, support, and listen, when needed. You won't find a better group of widows/widowers anywhere. Please, do your best to take care of yourself. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and try to exercise. Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time, if necessary. Most of all, just remember to breathe.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.


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Re: lost
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2015, 04:14:55 AM »
So sorry that we are all part of this club, but glad you are here.

We are on a similar timeline-- 3 months out-- and everyone on here has been incredibly supportive as I muddle through the new widow fog with a little one (DD is 1).   A piece of advice that I've held onto is this: you need to be ok in order for the kids to be ok.  I know we are a long way from "ok" but at least that helps the mommy guilt from becoming overwhelming as we try and navigate this crazy alternate reality.  I'm also contemplating a move from country to city because it is so hard to be in our house...  Plus logistics are so much easier for me (commute in particular).  It is tough.  At this point I am also a little thankful for the widow fog since it is blunting a lot of the emotions that would probably incapacitate me if I dealt with them head on.  Just getting through one more hour and one more day is an accomplishment-- and you are doing it.

Sending you and your daughter many hugs and hoping you can find some moments of peace in your day.  Feel free to PM any time if you need an ear to listen.


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Re: lost
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2015, 04:58:23 AM »
Great advise given. Drink lots of water. Crying is dehydrating. Be gentle with yourself. I don't often post in 1 to 6 months as the pain is unbearable and sometimes too fresh for me. I ventured here and saw your post. Not that you can believe it right now but the pain will ease in time.  I didn't believe t but it happened for me. Next week will be 2 yrs and I will always hold DH in my heart but I can't let his death destroy me. I pray you find a a bit of comfort somehow.
Hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.


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Re: lost
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2015, 06:30:02 AM »
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and that you have had a reason to find us. I think I was about at your same timeframe when I found the forum we previously had. It was a lifesaver and has helped me through some very difficult times. I hope you will find the same comfort here. Grief in itself is exhausting. Adding suddenly becoming a solo parent on top of it can feel very overwhelming. Please know there are many of us here who understand this and are here to offer a listening ear.

Sending you tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.


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Re: lost
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2015, 07:04:34 AM »
{Hug} treedweller. I'm so sorry you have unwillingly entered a new chapter in your life. What I found here is a nurturing environment and some very caring and helpful people. I'm glad you joined many of us who hope to find a little comfort on the path to healing. Those times when you feel isolated and all alone there is usually someone here.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~


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Re: lost
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2015, 12:37:22 PM »
Hi treedweller. It looks like you deleted your account, but I am hoping you are still reading and maybe will create another account so you can share if you need to do so. Before finding this community, I didn't know any other widows either, much less younger widows. I felt completely set adrift and couldn't even orient myself to know which way the shore even was. It breaks my heart because I know how impossible my own journey feels at times to see so many others understand what I am going through due to first hand experience.

I am wishing you much peace and comfort.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014


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Re: lost
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2015, 06:23:40 PM »
Oh, hugs, hugs. I very much hope you'll come back. We get it. Peace to you, sweetie...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton