Author Topic: NEVER say your husband died of suicide...  (Read 4479 times)

keeptrying

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NEVER say your husband died of suicide...
« on: May 25, 2015, 03:52:15 PM »
I am so humiliated, ashamed. I can't image EVER telling anyone I meet. I am pregnant toting around 6 small kids. I get stuck with the husband question from strangers. I say he passed away. That ALWAYS triggers the question.. WHAT HAPPENED. - And there I go, my mind racing, what do I say? I just say, it hurts, I don't like talking about it, and then they try to push it, or make up things like, was it medical? - The curiosity kills them.. The embarrassment and humiliation kills me more.  My husband had no signs, was never depressed, had no mental issues, we had a great marriage. He felt as though he let me down and I deserved more. In a matter of hours of him saying that he was gone. - No one will be able to understand. I get that. But I can't ever imagine saying the word "suicide". It makes him look bad, and it makes me look bad.. like it taints everything we ever had, and our family and kids.I was not a good enough wife, he was not a good enough person to do something like that. That is what "suicide" tells people. The person is crazy and the people he surrounds himself did not help him and contributed to his death. It is the subject that will forever haunt you. The guilt, the questions. And when you don't come out and give details of death.. it even makes people dig deeper for more.

MissingSquish

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  • widowed 5/20/12
Re: NEVER say your husband died of suicide...
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2015, 06:58:03 PM »
I am sorry that you have a tough time with telling people your husband died of suicide. When I tell others that my husband died of suicide ("accidental" drug overdose), I usually follow it up with "he was as terminal as one could have been of cancer".  People usually get it at that point.

There was no saving him, and for me, I know that I did everything in my power to help him.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Sugarbell

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Re: NEVER say your husband died of suicide...
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2015, 07:31:34 PM »
(((((hugs)))))

If they are strangers...you don't owe them any explanation "Tragic accident" "Violent traumatic death"...I have used all those words. The first two years I literally said "He shot himself in the head". I don't know why I said it that way instead of suicide...I think to make them uncomfortable or to be obnoxious.

Actually this weekend I was at a baseball game with guy friend...and some lady asked if he was my husband told her no...Was stuck beside her and she asked "Does your ex ever come to the kids games"
Me: No he's deceased died when the kids were very little
Lady: Oh you are young...did he have cancer?
Me:No
Lady: Did he die in an accident?
Me: No

Now usually the one word answers give people ths hint not to pry...But she did....
Lady: "Well what happened"

Me: "Self inflicted gun shot wound...to the head..died instantly.

Then she shut up. Doesn't bother me at all anymore when asked...I can predict those that don't get the hint to stop asking. This woman was in her 70s so I was more tactful.

I am so sorry. Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed. And if you don't want to tell them don't tell them.

(((((hugs))))))

B.W.H. 9/24/2007

BrokenHeart2

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Re: NEVER say your husband died of suicide...
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2015, 08:33:44 PM »
WTF is wrong with some people?  Common sense and sensibility so lost on many. Ugh.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Bluebird

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Re: NEVER say your husband died of suicide...
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2015, 09:11:13 PM »
Keeptrying,

I can relate. I kept my DH's cause of death as secret as possible. I had many people at work asking me his cause of death. I often said "I'd prefer not to discuss it" and some then tried going to people I worked with that were also friends to find out!

I felt at the time that his cause of death would affect my reputation at work - he died from chronic late stage alcoholism. But I also did not want his death to be judged by others. He didn't deserve that.

Over the last several years, I've grown bolder, since I left my long held job in at my ultra conservative company. I now say quite openly that he died from chronic late stage alcoholism. If the person I share that with wants to talk about alcoholism, I'm happy to discuss it, and see it as an opportunity to give some meaning to his loss.

It took me a while to get there though and your desire not to disclose it and not to taint his memory given the attitudes that prevail in society is very understandable.

Take care, Bluebird
My First Love, Peace Be Thine

Carey

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Re: NEVER say your husband died of suicide...
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2015, 08:09:32 AM »
My husband may as well have put a gun to his head. He literally drank himself to death, maybe even intentionally because I know he was very depressed. I will never know, but he died at his own hand. ITS NO ONE ELSES BUSINESS. It's like people rubbernecking at an accident ... why in the hell are they entitled to details.   I love Bluebirds stance, in that her story may help someone else.  But if you're not ready, don't let anyone push you. It varies , what I tell people, depending on who it is and the time/place/situation.  They deserve what they get when I blurt it out and they are stunned and speechless sometimes. 
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

MrsDan

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Re: NEVER say your husband died of suicide...
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2015, 08:44:36 PM »
I have to prepared answers when people ask how he died, depending on how polite I'm feeling (or have to be). One is, "It's not my favorite subject," or "Horrifically." Both convey, I think that the question is not appropriate and it's none of their business. The way I see it, it's no one's business how my husband left this earth except mine, our daughters', his parents' and his siblings'. You don't owe anyone an explanation. It's not your job to satisfy their morbid curiosity. It's not even your job to single-handedly chip away at the stigma associated with suicide. It's your job to take care of yourself and your children. That may mean speaking out against the stigma, it may mean keeping it to yourself, it may mean blurting it out to a stranger at the bus stop, it may mean it changes over time. You are negotiating a trauma most people could never begin to imagine. Put your energy into that, not what people think or what they think they have a right to know. Now, sometimes, if people ask and they seem to genuinely care, I will tell people that he died from alcoholism. I've told other people, for various reasons. But that was my choice, and I still feel conflicted about it.

The was I a good enough wife stuff, I get that too. But that's my shit to sort out, and I don't need other people clouding it up with their opinions. It's complicated because I do believe Dan suffered from a disease, and the stigma contributed to his death. But that stigma is there, and Dan worked with children. There is a legacy that I want to protect. I wish everybody would understand, but I know they won't. How can I make them when I can't even myself? So it feels like a betrayal to tell, and it feels like a betrayal not to. I was speaking to my former boss about this. She said, she thought Dan would want (which I normally hate, but she apologized if she was being presumptuous, and I think her point was valid) me to do whatever I needed to do to protect myself. In some cases that means telling, in others it means keeping it to myself.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.