Author Topic: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?  (Read 9936 times)

Brenda

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Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« on: May 26, 2015, 11:05:25 AM »
So I have a date picked out for when I'll take my wedding ring off, but it's less than five months after she passed away.  Feeling horribly guilty about even thinking about this step, but I also don't want to be held hostage by it for the rest of my life.  It's gonna feel odd, no question about that, but is it a betrayal of her to take it off so early?

It's not like I've got anything or anyone waiting in the wings.  No new girlfriend, no next marriage waiting to happen (not that it ever will).  Nothing like that.  Just want to keep taking steps forward in life as best I can, and this is a baby step I think I can manage that will signify to me that yes, she's gone, but I do have the rest of my life ahead of me and it would be a waste to spend it going all "Queen Victoria" and mourning for the rest of my life.

And I guess I could put it back on when I feel the need to, except I've never taken it off voluntarily before.

Thoughts?  Put it on my right hand?  Wear it around my neck (although a sturdy and secure enough necklace would look huge and ugly.)

Jess

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2015, 11:27:47 AM »
I took off my ring after 2.5 months. Since a little more than a month out, I felt like it was a lie to wear it as though I was still married. It made me sad and I felt like I wasn't accepting my reality by wearing it. But, I wasn't really ready then. I made a decision to wear it until my wedding anniversary and take it off the next day. I followed through on that and also took his ring off of the necklace I only took off to shower, which let's face it, in those days was not often enough! There was no guy or new relationship then, it was all about me and my head space.

I had no idea what to do with the rings either, so I actually ended up hanging the rings on a ceramic figure that cracked my husband up. It is an alligator sitting in a lounge chair smoking a pipe. The rings hang from the pipe. When I am ready, I am going to put the rings in a pouch and put them in his urn, but I am not sure when I will be ready.

Put simply, there are no rules for the right or wrong time to take off your ring. It is as personal as your marriage, your love, and your grief.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2015, 12:38:10 PM by Jess »
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Wheelerswife

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2015, 11:58:53 AM »
At 16 1/2 months out, I am still wearing my second wedding ring on my right hand.  I moved it several months ago...I'm not even sure how long ago it was.  I moved my rings from my first husband at about 3 1/2 months and took them off completely at about 5 months out.  I just re-learn with every day that each of us has our own timetable with each loss.  I remarried 18 months after my first husband died and I'm no where near that point after losing my second husband.

Just be okay with your own time table.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Max2507

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2015, 12:29:27 PM »
I am just past two years and still wear mine. Have just felt like I wanted to. I have thought I might get a ring made from mine and his to wear. Seems a huge waste to have them sit in a box some where. So I had that thought for some time and saw another widow's ring she had made from both of their rings that was just spectacular so I figured I would do it eventually when I felt like it was time. So just recently I have decided to have that done for my 50th birthday later this year. I even had someone recently ask me if I had remarried, awkward. No dude, I haven't even started dating, can't imagine being remarried at this point. So that's my ring story. Everyone's will be different. If you get to your date and change your mind fine or if you take it off fine. There is no right or wrong, its your decision and your decision alone. This widow stuff is always damned if you do and damned if you don't. People are like" why are you still wearing your ring?" or if you took it off " Wow you aren't wearing your ring anymore" Fortunately for me with widowhood came a lack of give a shit about what other people think. Another thing is don't be afraid to change your mind. If you say I am taking it off July 1st, but tomorrow decide you are taking it off saturday, go ahead. If you take it off and decide you still want to wear it, just put it back on. Do what you want and feels right for you.

swilson

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2015, 12:31:17 PM »
Brenda, after 8 months I still wear mine but I agree with those who say that it's an emotionally personal decision and only you can know when it's time. Kudos for thinking about moving your life forward, it sucks when the reality hits home they're not coming along with us. :'(
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

the_master

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2015, 12:59:30 PM »
I took mine off around 2 months. My avatar shows what happened to it. I put it and her rings on a combination lock, so they would stay together.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2015, 01:04:23 PM by the_master »

Carey

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2015, 01:10:30 PM »
for the past 8 years, I wore my eternity band, my past present and future and his wedding ring. He would never wear it himself because of his job and it was getting messed up on his keyring, so I say dang, one of us is going to wear it.   Believe it or not I had to pawn two of them, his and my eternity band. But I am getting them back tomorrow hopefully and I think since I've gone so long without them, I'll just keep what I have on right now, my past/present/future (which seems a cruel joke) for a little while longer. I'm just not ready to give them up. I figure I'll know when I am.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

robunknown

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2015, 01:45:21 PM »
I took mine just after a month from when she passed. I did the extreme caregiving thing for my wife's last year. A month after she passed it was clear my 24/7 duties were over in taking care of her, and the ring just felt like a lie to myself.

Guaruj

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2015, 05:34:57 PM »
So I have a date picked out for when I'll take my wedding ring off, but it's less than five months after she passed away.  Feeling horribly guilty about even thinking about this step, but I also don't want to be held hostage by it for the rest of my life.  It's gonna feel odd, no question about that, but is it a betrayal of her to take it off so early?

It's nobody's business but yours when you decide to take it off.  Pick a date that's meaningful to you.  My own decision is a year and a day after my wife died, and that's coming in July.

Quote
Thoughts?  Put it on my right hand?  Wear it around my neck (although a sturdy and secure enough necklace would look huge and ugly.)

Those both sound good.  Once I take mine off, I'm hoping I can find a frame that can display her picture with both of our wedding bands.

|+|  M a r k  |+|

DansSoulmate

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2015, 06:11:05 PM »
I did lots of reading on this subject (crazy, I know) and there isn't a right answer, again it's another one of those highly personal decisions.  But, in my case, I moved the engagement ring to the ring finger on my right hand several months out but I had worn my rings for so long i literally have a permanent indentation on my left ring finger.  So, I guess I'm marked for life  :D

Virgo

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2015, 06:48:24 PM »
You have to do what feels right for you. There is no right or wrong amount of time. I wore my ring only a few times. It just didn't feel right for me. It hurt me more than it helped me. I ended up having my solitaire diamond set into a heart pendant. I enjoy wearing it now, no tears.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Trying

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2015, 04:58:02 AM »
It is such a personal decision for each of us and you need to do what feels right to you.  Around 8 months was our wedding anniversary and I bought myself a new ring.  I had been taking my wedding and engagement rings on and off but couldn't stand the bare finger.  The new ring has not come off in the past year and it's a symbol to me of my new identity.  Not married anymore but bought on our anniversary so it represents my past and my present.
You will forever be my always.

Lisa

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2015, 05:33:18 AM »
Everyone processes differently. My process would not include setting a date. But thats me.  I took it off and put it back on for quite awhile.  I didn't wear it daily when he alive but after I removed it after he died i felt the weight of emptiness  on my finger. I cant remember the last time I even looked at it but I still need to wear some sort of  ring there so I  can fiddle with it. I even wore it on early  dates. It is mine after all. I guess i had utveady because it wasnt a traditional band.
experiment when you feel the urge to try.
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Tweety76

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2015, 12:06:51 PM »
As others have already said well with all the stories, timelines and reason and what to do with the ring(s) very by each person. I took of my rings near 3 months out because my hands were swelling and I didn't want to have them cut of (would have hurt more). In all honesty, taking off the rings hurt only physically because they were stuck and I had to pull them off. I did put my husbands ring on from time to time, then wore nothing for a period and now have settled to wear his ring on my left hand middle finger and another ring of his I got him for 40th birthday on my right index finger.

Not sure what to do with mine (I have two identical gold bands like his) but I'll probably one day have something made out of them.

Hugs Brenda! Do what feels right for you and you always have the right to change your mind anytime.

Strongerthanb4

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2015, 12:37:07 PM »
It was about 5 months for me too. I understand how you feel. It was important to me that I focus on becoming my own person. I'm not part of a team anymore. I figure if I need it, I can put it back on, but not seeing it every day makes it easier to let other things change. We are the hardest on ourselves, but I thought I needed to justify my decision to my in laws.