Author Topic: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?  (Read 9983 times)

MrsT85

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2015, 12:46:44 PM »
I switched mine from my left to my right hand at a few months out.  And while that was the plan all along, I actually did it a little sooner than I meant or wanted to because I did something stupid.  The fingers on my right hand are about a half size larger than those on my left, and after reading a thread similar to this one on the old YWBB, I almost absentmindedly (fitting, as my mind was mostly absent those first few months) slipped it onto my right ring finger.  It got stuck, and I had to go to an immediate care center to get it cut off (what a pitiful sight I might have been, panicking and sobbing at the clinic).  When I took it in to be repaired, I just had them size it to my right hand, where it still sits as I type this.  And where I intend to keep it for the rest of my life.

His ring (along with my wedding bouquet, which I had creamated with him) is with him in his urn.   
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

Mizpah

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #16 on: May 27, 2015, 01:14:50 PM »
I keep checking in over here with you raw, fresh-out widows and feel so much compassion for you.  I like to think that hearing from those further out is helpful in some way????

My DH died in April.  His birthday is in February.  That first year, I went out to his favorite restaurant with people who knew him and we toasted to him and told stories.  The next morning, as I was about to get in the shower, I looked down at my hand and thought, "I never want to take this off, ever."  And in the next moment, without it making any sense to me at all, I took it off.  I'd been wearing a locket around my neck with his picture in it, and put the ring on the chain.  I put the ring on, once a year, on his birthday, as a sort of gift to him, because he loved "owning" me (not in a creepy or abusive way, in a super-loving, obsessive, romantic way). 

There's no right time.  It's more meaningful to us than it is meaningful in general, I believe.  But to us widows, I suppose finding meaning and acting with meaning is a big part of survival and thriving. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Jen

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #17 on: May 27, 2015, 01:30:12 PM »
I didn't set a date or a time limit-- honestly, I expected to wear mine forever. I tried switching to the other hand, but that felt wrong. Finally, on New Year's Eve, I realized I didn't feel married anymore, and my ring brought me more pain than anything else when I looked at it. I took it off, and the silver chain I'd worn since Jim died (he gave me an identical one when we were 14, it was sort of a pre-promise gift)-- I hung both our rings on the chain and then hung the chain on his urn. My ring fits inside his perfectly, and that's just where they're meant to be. I do wear a-- a mourning ring, maybe? Memory ring?-- on my right hand; it's silver, like our rings, and it has a tiny amethyst (our anniversary was in February).

Just my personal experience. There's no right answer. (((((HUGS)))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Brenda

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2015, 09:35:57 PM »
Thanks ever so much for all the replies.  Some great suggestions in there, many things I'd never thought of before.

I think I'm going to do the "move it to the right hand" thing.  Worst case scenario, I put it back on the left hand again...


LostMyCharles

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2015, 12:06:44 PM »
Ironically, I had stopped wearing my wedding ring about a year before C's death because I had gained weight and it became too tight. The day after he died, I put it back on. Now, at almost 6 months out, I have stopped wearing it again because the summer heat makes my fingers swell.

I have decided to have our wedding rings melded together into an infinity symbol to wear as a pendent, either on a necklace or a bracelet, not sure which.

We all have our own timetables, and our own ways of coping. Do not second-guess yourself. You are making decisions based on gut reactions, and nobody can (or should) fault you for that or say that you're "doing it wrong." If they do, screw them.

Jessica
"He was my North, my South, my East and West..." W.H. Auden

My love is with you always, Charles. 6/29/66 - 12/08/14

lovedroses

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2015, 02:51:52 PM »
I still wear my rings and it will be 6 years in October.  My wedding band was my grandmother's and she wore it for 20+ years after my grandfather died.  So when I think I'm maybe a little nuts for not taking my rings off I remind myself that she was the most not-nutty person you'd ever meet, sharp as a tack till she passed at 94.  And she would have been the first one to tell me that it was fine if I had taken the rings off my finger the day after he died.

What is right for you is the right thing to do.  And you can change your mind just as often as you care to!
« Last Edit: May 28, 2015, 07:49:21 PM by lovedroses »
Every day was a gift.

Charlie

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2015, 08:37:05 PM »
I took the ring off within days of her passing. I tied both of our rings together using a necklace that my daughter had made for her many years prior. On days that were special to both my wife and I, I slip both rings around a finger (both are bands) and wear them during the day. On days when grief gets darkest, I wear a Buddhist Mala on my wrist, working my fingers down the beads as I try and stay present with my feelings.

The wedding ring represents my marriage to my wife, I will always keep our rings together.

widowat33

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2015, 10:32:50 PM »
I never wore my rings while we were married. I had lost weight and I was worried I would lose them, plus I'm not really a jewelry type of person.
Now on my right hand I wear a ring with his ashes in it, strangely enough I only take it off when I go to bed. I also wear a necklace that his aunt and uncle gave me after he passed away. These mean as much, or maybe more, than my wedding ring, to me.
So it was never a question as to whether it was the right time to take them off.
I would echo the great advice here..do what feels best for you!
If it doesn't feel right with them off or on the other hand, put them back on.


Catnip

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #23 on: June 02, 2015, 11:37:16 AM »
I still wear both my engagement ring and wedding band on my left hand as always, right where he put them. It?s been 8 years for me. My wedding band is engraved with his initials to me. It's his gift to me. I guess it?s a tribute to our 26 year marriage. I feel safe with them on.

At the funeral home, minutes before they closed the casket, the director asked me if I wanted his ring. I had never given it a thought. Before I could even respond, my three sons, ages 17, 20 and 22 all said ?NO! You gave it to him and it?s his.? So I said, ?Then I want to be buried with mine.? So it went with him.

I don?t see the difference of moving them to my right hand. Some countries have the right hand as the traditional way to wear them. Rather, I have added a widow ring to my two rings. It?s a black band that looks like an anniversary ring. I found it on line at www.expressionsofgrief.com.
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you.

MrsT85

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #24 on: June 02, 2015, 12:50:07 PM »
I don?t see the difference of moving them to my right hand. Some countries have the right hand as the traditional way to wear them. Rather, I have added a widow ring to my two rings. It?s a black band that looks like an anniversary ring. I found it on line at www.expressionsofgrief.com.

For me, the reason to move it from one hand to the other was because I knew I wanted to wear it for the rest of my life, regardless of what else may happen to me in the future.  I wasn't married nearly as long as you - I was 27 when he died, we were married just over 3 years and 10 months.  I was (and still am) so young, but I knew pretty early on that I wanted love again.  I was so happy being some wonderful person's "other half," so I knew remarriage was something I was aspiring to.  I didn't want to have to stop wearing the ring Tim gave me (he'll always be my husband, I'll always be his wife) even if I married someone else.

I got engaged a few months ago, so my new ring sits on my left ring finger - as will my second wedding ring.  The ring Tim gave me (along with my first wedding ring) sits on my right hand, where it will stay.  Forever.  I know it's a little odd, but I figure I'll just wear a set on each hand for the rest of my life.   
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

lcoxwell

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #25 on: June 02, 2015, 04:02:06 PM »
About a year before my Kenneth died, he had lost so much weight, that his ring fell off on the way home from the hospital, on one of our many hospital trips over the years. He was so bothered by the loss of his ring, that I took mine off, so he wouldn't feel quite so bad about it, every time he held my hand. In the last year of his life, I only wore the rings a few times. I haven't worn them again, since his death. For me, the rings would be too painful of a reminder of all I have lost.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

ManutesGirl

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #26 on: June 02, 2015, 07:47:23 PM »
As so many others have said it is an individual decision.  I'm about 3.5 years out.  I wore my wedding & engagement rings on my left hand for a little over two years.  I switched them to my right hand at that point because I had an infinity ring made with DH's & my birthstones which I now where on my left ring finger.  I used wedding money we had set aside to buy a piece of art - it is gorgeous, he wouldn't agree it's a piece of art but I think it is  :).  For some people looking at their rings is upsetting but for me my wedding band makes me smile cause it reminds me of all the love we shared.
?I have lived my life well, lived with integrity and always lived each day the best I could.  I have no regrets.?  DKB 9/2/65 - 10/23/11

merrylea

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #27 on: June 03, 2015, 09:07:50 AM »
Probably 3-4 months after LH died, I started the process of taking them off.   They'd go off, and then come back on, and then go off again.  They then stayed off.  About 7 months after his death, there was a delayed memorial service for him overseas (he was a British expat and many could not make the funeral.)  I brought the rings with me and wore them.  It felt weird on my finger.  I knew then that I was ready to not wear my wedding ring. I no longer felt married.

The thought of the rings sitting in my jewelry box forever, however, was distressing. Around the one year mark, I did have the rings repurposed and made into a unique individual pendant.  The feather is now his "symbol" and the jeweler created a beautiful diamond encrusted feather using all the gold and diamonds from my ring.  It's a beautiful reminder of what was, and also what will be as a rebuild my future.

-M

Dahlia

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #28 on: June 03, 2015, 02:55:16 PM »
I took mine off within the first two months for two reasons: first, I heard that many widows felt a fresh sense of grief when they took it off; and second, I heard people nudge you and wink if it is more than a year after the death (as if you are advertising you are sexually available again and not emotionally processing something difficult).

I wanted as much despair as possible to happen as soon as possible. I also didn't think people would read it as being available given how fresh everything was.

Oddly, men do seem to be reading the absence as an invitation. While it is flattering, it is also highly weird for me and not at all something I am ready for. So, I suggest you be ready for people to think you are available and have a response that is appropriate for your situation.

Kimberly

Brenda

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #29 on: June 03, 2015, 04:58:25 PM »
For me, the reason to move it from one hand to the other was because I knew I wanted to wear it for the rest of my life, regardless of what else may happen to me in the future.

For me, the rings would be too painful of a reminder of all I have lost.

for me my wedding band makes me smile cause it reminds me of all the love we shared.

The thought of the rings sitting in my jewelry box forever, however, was distressing. Around the one year mark, I did have the rings repurposed and made into a unique individual pendant.  The feather is now his "symbol" and the jeweler created a beautiful diamond encrusted feather using all the gold and diamonds from my ring.  It's a beautiful reminder of what was, and also what will be as a rebuild my future.

I wanted as much despair as possible to happen as soon as possible.

Oh for heaven's sake, thanks for making this sooooooooo difficult!  Every one of you in this entire thread is talking perfect sense, and I've still no idea what to do.

I did test something this morning: my wedding ring on my right ring finger, and her wedding ring on my right little finger.  The two could touch; sometimes, when I'm missing her terribly, I'll tap my ring (still on my finger where she put it) against her ring, which I keep in my jewelry box.  I'd love to be able to do that as and when, but still look to the future and have my left hand free.  I miss her like crazy, but I'm young too (or I think I am) - certainly too young to spend the rest of my life mourning a loss over which neither one of us had any control.

Sometimes, I wish that the rules for death and grief in western culture were spelled out with a little more rigidity.  I can see how everyone doing what they please works in some cases, but I'm someone who finds the whole process rather stressful and confusing.  Tell me that I have a year to the day wearing black, a year before I'm supposed to take my ring off, a year before I'm supposed to start dating again.  The freedom to figure this stuff out myself is one additional problem I really don't need right now.  (But in a good way...)