Author Topic: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?  (Read 9937 times)

Jess

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #30 on: June 03, 2015, 05:08:45 PM »

Sometimes, I wish that the rules for death and grief in western culture were spelled out with a little more rigidity.  I can see how everyone doing what they please works in some cases, but I'm someone who finds the whole process rather stressful and confusing.  Tell me that I have a year to the day wearing black, a year before I'm supposed to take my ring off, a year before I'm supposed to start dating again.  The freedom to figure this stuff out myself is one additional problem I really don't need right now.  (But in a good way...)

I have said this so many times!  I am such a "by the book" sort of girl. I love guidelines and rules. This whole experience has been minus rules and I sometimes felt like screaming "Just tell me what to do!" A lack of rules feels like a burden at first, but I have also learned in some ways it was freeing as well. I think that widowhood is one of the only times where it is acceptable to be completely self absorbed (except for caring for children, pets, etc.) and do the things the way our inner voices tell us to. Between therapy and posting and talking to people I have never spent so much time talking about myself in my entire life! Our brains are clever enough to wrap us up in a comfy layer of shock, they are also smart enough to let us know when it is time to take or choose not to take steps.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Dahlia

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #31 on: June 04, 2015, 09:07:27 AM »
I understand, of course, the desire for some structure. I started seeing a therapist so she could tell me what was right and wrong. Unfortunately, she refused. She suggested I journal my thoughts when I am confused or overwhelmed. I thought it was hippie claptrap, but decided to try it. I now have a journal named Endurance that has all my ramblings, all of my crazy worries, everything; and, it really does help me figure out who I am and what I need.
I, too, had a date for everything in my future, but I realized that I had enough dates to worry over (his birthday, our anniversaries, etc...), so I don't have a date for anything in this process. For me, time has to stop ruling my life, and I have to just listen to my own self on a daily basis.
My therapist told me that relearning who I am as an individual is a great gift, but I saw it was a pain in the ass. It's a lot of work and often uncomfortable. But, I now feel that in the future, I will see this experience as a gift (with much too high of a price tag). And I will do what Scott told me repeatedly to do: let no one but me tell me what is right and what will make me happy. He firmly believed in self-respect, and I always let people guide me. Now, finally, I am getting a handle on captaining my own ship.
I sincerely believe you have the tools to do the same. You have consistently struck me as a truly lovely, intelligent person.

Silwe

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #32 on: July 11, 2015, 12:40:19 PM »
I moved my ring to my right hand after a month, and took it off at approx. 5 months out. It felt right for me..
8th Oct 1992 - 27th July 2013 (accident)

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back. - J.R.R. Tolkien

sdarrah1130

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #33 on: July 24, 2015, 09:16:47 PM »
I took all my rings off one night to play softball (as I usually do) but I only put his back on my left middle finger.  This was about 3 weeks ago at 4.5 months out.

I am still rubbing my left ring finger
Sandy - E's Wife

"My Darlin, you are wonderful tonight......"

DavidsKtBeth

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #34 on: August 12, 2015, 09:32:36 PM »
After reading everyone's posts today I realized that I felt like having my ring on made part of me feel like Dave was going to be coming back.  It hasn't even been 2 months yet but I moved my rings to my ring finger on my right hand.  I have been wearing his on my right middle finger since he passed away and I felt this weird weight lifted off my shoulders like it was the first step in truly realizing he isn't coming home.  I felt comfort in seeing his ring next to mine, like it symbolizes me and him.  It's like we are sitting next to each other.  Grant it, I had only been married 26 days and engaged for 5 months before that so I was as used to having it on my hand.  I felt like moving home and seeing people I haven't seen in years I almost had to prove to people I am was married.  Most of them don't even know we got married because we ran away to a court house and kept it a secret until after our friend's wedding.  We had just announced it publicly the week before he passed. :/   I did replace my rings with my claddagh ring so I do have a little comfort in having that on still.  I can always change my mind.  We'll play it by year I guess.
?Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.?

"You could meet somebody tomorrow who would have better intentions for you than someone you?ve known forever. Time means nothing, character does."

Jen

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #35 on: August 13, 2015, 08:27:58 AM »
(((Hugs)))) There's no right or wrong answer. Last year I bought a little amethyst solitaire ring (we never got around to getting an engagement ring) to go with my wedding band, because I felt very strongly that I *needed* it-- no idea why, but I wore them together until New Year's. I was about 8 months out, and on New Year's Eve I suddenly felt just as strongly that it was time to take them off. I put my band with dh's, on a chain that's hung around his urn. I moved the solitaire to my right hand, and it's been there ever since... but I'm starting to question whether it should stay there much longer.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Captains wife

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #36 on: August 13, 2015, 12:57:40 PM »
I miss wearing my engagement ring - my husband put so much thought and effort into this piece of jewelry. I am now 3 plus years out but I posted on the YWBB board about this in my earlier days. For me, I took the ring off really quickly (a few days after the accident) - it reminded me too much of what happened. But then about 3 or 4 months out, I cant remember exactly now, I put it back on for a while and wore it on my other hand. Then I took it off a few weeks later for a few reasons. Its now sitting in a box, locked away. I am seriously thinking of turning my engagement ring into another ring that looks less like an engagement ring and I would like to start wearing it again. Sorry for all going through this at the earlier stages - it is really hard to take this symbol of marriage off our hands.

hikermom

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #37 on: August 13, 2015, 04:42:52 PM »
I am seriously thinking of turning my engagement ring into another ring that looks less like an engagement ring and I would like to start wearing it again. Sorry for all going through this at the earlier stages - it is really hard to take this symbol of marriage off our hands.
I plan to do the same thing. My niece is a metal-smith and makes beautiful jewelry. I plan to send her my engagement ring and our two wedding bands to have some other piece or pieces made. Perhaps something for me and something for DD.

Taking of my rings was hard. I had all sorts of emotions and thoughts wrapped up in it. Hard ones like how each step like taking off a ring or clearing out clothes took my husband further away from me. Sillier ones like if my in-laws see me without my ring, will they judge me or think I'm dating (which I wasn't!). It was a big step and one that I took multiple times - like CaptainsWife.

After it was permanently off, I went on a quest to find some cool artsy ring to wear on my middle finger. Took me over a year but I now have one and I like it. I'm finding new ways of expressing my inner hipster (I'm too old to be a hipster so it has to be inner!!) and that can be freeing in a way. At five months, I was so not ready to build a new me but you do get there.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows ...
and this is the wonder that?s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
~ e.e.cummings

Carey

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Re: Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?
« Reply #38 on: August 14, 2015, 07:17:04 AM »
I guess I have been weaning myself. I started out with my eternity band, my past-present-future and his ring on my left hand. I'd been wearing those three for YEARS.  He couldn't wear his as a jet engine mechanic and it was getting beat up on his keychain. I took to wearing it so then on the weekends or when we were out together it was right there and he could wear it and then put it back on my finger when he went to work.  I actually had to pawn two of them at one point so got used to wearing just my past/present/future. When I got the others back, I gave my daughter the eternity band for graduation and she wears it every day.  I have his ring on my right hand. I did buy a pretty Pandora ring intending it for my left ring finger, but I'm just not there yet.  I don't get why this is so hard for me. It was just there 17 years in one fashion or another, I can't just let it go :(
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter