Author Topic: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?  (Read 11079 times)

Lmsmdm

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2015, 09:20:14 PM »
BK.....I want you to know, that you were someone that let me see the light in my early, very dark days. You matter to me! I am so sorry things are so dark for you.

You matter, YOU Matter, YOU MATTER!!!!!


((((Hugs))))))

I know I can't "fix" it, but hot damn I wish I could do for you what you did for me.
You hate me don't you? Yup, so much I married you twice! :)

BillsKim

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #16 on: May 29, 2015, 10:17:39 PM »
I'm sorry guys. I'm a little better, but back to crying. I just feel likIe I'm nothing. Ii stopped posting on the board, because I just couldn't get anywhere and how do you fall that far in front of people you want to see get through this? I hadn't told anyone I was applying for jobs, because I wanted to just announce I had one. Know how many applns I filled
 out before Bill died?  ONE!ONE stinking application ever!! Jobs were offered or handed to me. Now I have nothing to live one. DIC pays rent. I've sold a lot of my birds, thousands of dollars worth, for 80 buck!! If I didn't have what I do now, we wouldn't have eaten since April. Chicken maybe 6 times and the rest, fridge eggs! I'm stretching feed to just keep them alive. They stopped laying. My dogs are looking at me like I'm something to eat. I spent all of money for bills last month to pay for insurance for my truck. They had a hold on it since November due to no insurance. Were at the window paying the overdue registration and they tell me after all that, it could be 2-4 weeks for tags. I'm about to cry and Kotah and I get texts. He read his and then showed me. We have to upgrade our phones. I have a family plan, so we go to see about getting a free one and just paying tax and it has to be all 3 at once. Not only that, phones would be free, but their tax??? $100!... So we had decided when I spent the money to release the truck, we'd go out collecting recycling with it. Make it back, pay the dam phone fees, pay the bills and get more insurance to get my car released. I get a letter saying the truck was released and my tags would be mailed. yay....I get the next letter and they put another friggen hold on the truck because noinsurance on the car and I hadn't got it released. So I'm dying out here still walking and getting nowhere. I've had 2 job interviews in almost 4 years. Last one I left home at 6:30 am to get there before 9 and made it 2 minutes early. I didn't get seen till after 3. They had already filled positions by 10. I walked 16 miles and my old ass isn't getting stronger, I hurt worse. I had every utility set to be turned off. I turned off cable, phone and internet in November. Shit ....Still owe them 350 bucks...grrrrrr Everywhere we can walk to seems to only want online apps or you have to speak Spanish or be certified in something. Yeah, crap. I've never gotten an app finished before an hour and that's the limited time at the library and another long ass walk. Thing is, when I have to get anywhere, its far. I can't move for days sometimes after. I wanna work"! I want to be able to pay my bills and still eat. The positive side is I've lost 20 pounds, but now I look like a baggy bag lady. Got sidetracked. So in March my oldest daughter picks me up and pays all of my utility bills, plus 50 bucks on each one. I has credit and like $21 I had to pay on one last month. Breathing room and still screwed. Today I get a Bill from the same damn place. $136 with a disconnect notice!!! WTF ?!??? I call and have a fit, so I havebefore its due,so I'll have to pay that!! I can't take  a bus anywhere, they cost money. I have zip by the 2nd of the month. One of my daughters put $40 in the bank last week, which id how we bought chicken. We've bought milk, bread, chicken and sugar. Oh and potatoes. Forgot about those. Only thing close to a vegetable for 3 months other than a can of green beans I saved to have on Dakotah's birthday. He was so excited. Over fucking  beans!!! Since I haven't found work I tried selling things . That cost me $15 when someone walk her damn sandals through my yard and stepped in cat shit i!! It wasn't even my cat!! Gang banging beotch . There's so much more... I can't even explain how much more. And I can't get hired for wearhouse, grocery stores, nothiI hate this. Who knows ng. Why?? Because I'm not worth it. I'm really, just not worth it. I'm s 10th days. Shit I had a fing  month to make $100 and I'm nowhere!!!! And now""!" The registration is due on my car next week, so no insurance to be able to put it in a non op be f
Bill 7/12/2010
I've been WiddaWhompped

BillsKim

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #17 on: May 29, 2015, 10:21:38 PM »
Shit I can't even control this board!  What kind of loser can't post in a board?? Look at that crap! It went crazy and wouldn't clear up, so had to post it.

I give up. Really. I thought that rant would make me feel better and now I know the problem. Complete IDIOT!!
Bill 7/12/2010
I've been WiddaWhompped

BillsKim

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #18 on: May 29, 2015, 10:44:21 PM »
I'm so sorry. I'm sure everywhere everyone is tired of my bitching and whining. I just needed to let some of it out. I know it seemed like a lot, but that's just part and I'm so so tired. And before the board, I only had Bill to listen to me. Guess this is why. He was the only one I felt like was listening. No one just lets me rant and talk. I have no real friends. Just stupid posts to people I've nnever met and they're the oonly ones that seem to matter to me. I only see my kids once in a while and when I open my mouth, the eyes roll. One of these days I'm gonna snap and their heads will roll instead. I hate being lonely and to stressed to be around them.
Got long again huh?

Love you guys. Ill try messages again later. Didn't give me a reply button. Thank you for caring.
Bill 7/12/2010
I've been WiddaWhompped

Jess

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #19 on: May 29, 2015, 10:45:02 PM »
No matter how it was typed, we hear you. You are not an idiot. Keep posting. No one cares about typos. We just care about you and each other.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Amor

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #20 on: May 29, 2015, 10:58:02 PM »
Kim
I am sorry you are struggling at the moment.  The work place for widows is hard.  Have you tried asking people in your community if you could watch their kids, dog, or cat?  Have to asked people if they would like their house cleaned?  Or cleaned windows of local businesses?  Anything to hold you over until you can find a something better.  If there are elderly you could offer to do errands for them within walking distance. 
Cry.. It helps so much. 
I hope you know there are always people here you can vent to.  I hope this helps. 
((hugs))
Amor

Lisa

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #21 on: May 30, 2015, 05:20:26 AM »
Hold on tight. If you are still in extreme distress please seek help asap
hugs
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

donswife

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #22 on: May 30, 2015, 07:38:33 AM »
wish I could say something to make it better but just know
I am listening and hear you ,
We are here for you, keep writing
I know sometimes it gets overwhelming and you cant even breath

My everything

SoVerySad

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2015, 09:31:59 AM »
Kim, I hoping things feel a little less overwhelming for you this morning. I want you to know I read every word you posted. I understand why you are feeling so weary after all you have been through. It is clear you've been trying very hard to improve your situation. Because you haven't done so yet is not a reflection on you. Not trying at all might be, although even in those cases sometimes people truly are just too overwhelmed to manage more at the time.

I wanted to tell you that your financial situation does not equal your worth as a person. It just doesn't. Being in a very difficult financial situation where shoes keeping dropping at every turn you take is very hard to endure and can easily wear down your self-esteem, but not your worth. Your worth isn't about what you have, it is about what you do. Clearly you are very important to lmsmdm and other widows on this forum and the ywbb. You've made a huge difference in their lives. You are a loving, caring mother and it would appear you love animals as well. I know you have many other positive attributes that define who you are much more than your financial situation does. I also personally know a few people who have great wealth that aren't very good people. I much prefer good people.

I don't understand why some people have to struggle so much more than others. I know struggles are so much harder to bear when you've lost the unconditional support of your spouse. Some days I think I can't endure anymore without my husband here to help me through it, but I know I have people who love me and need me to keep trying. You clearly do as well. You matter to them and you matter to us here as well. So many of us have faced those feelings of desperation and have found comfort and support here and on the ywbb. You've been one of those people who has provided that comfort and support to others. Please let us return the favor and lean on us as much as you need to.

Sending you more tight hugs, Kim...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Momtojandj

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2015, 10:02:11 AM »
Tight hugs to you. Please pm me , I'm a good listener . We all need to be there for each other . ... Renee
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

Jen

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2015, 12:59:16 PM »
I wish I had something concrete... hang on, sweetie. (((((((HUGS))))))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Catnip

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #26 on: May 30, 2015, 01:11:11 PM »
When all else fails, pray. And then pray some more. And then pray again.

Speaking of prayer, do you belong to a church? Are you near a church? Can you join a church? Can you contact a church and see if they can help you, at least with a food pantry?

OK then, I will pray for you.

Hope things get better for you, your family and your puppies.

~Catnip
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you.

BillsKim

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #27 on: May 30, 2015, 03:01:41 PM »
Hard to get in here on my phone.  I don't have internet so have to use the fb app and go through the group and use the link. Sometimes it works most times it doesn't.

I've joined fb groups for jobs. Most I can't get to without a car. When I could I still get nothing. I hurt like crazy when I wall. Its getting hotter and I don't know how much ill be able to walk then.  I've worked hard to find something before the heat hits. It's 90 today. Not bad but slows me down.
I've tried gardening for 4 years. Nothing but a handful if tomatoes has ever grown. Thing is it was a beefstake plant. I used to plant things all the time. Flowers are no problem but we can't eat them. I've just always wanted to have something I can't usually afford and now things we have yo have. Neighbors on with sides have gardens. I started mine first. Plants aren't big enough to put in the ground. But I'm trying.

Do I pray? From the time I wake up and all day long.

I have phobia. Phones, riding with someone else driving, buses, leaving my house. I'm trying to deal with those but its getting worse.

I've had 5 major strokes that cause my brain to hemmoragh and bleed. A brain tumor a kidney disease and I can't get SSDI. But I can visit that office and be in a cubicle and hear 5 or more people around me talking about how they messed up with rehab and how they need to check back in and workers telling them they get their checks released asap. I get told ti try different jobs. Things I've been told in the past to not do if I don't want to cause another stroke. I haven't seen any if those doctors in over 10 years. I've tried to stay alive on my own and the last 2 strokes we were sent to a doctor that wouldn't listen when I said all her damn med were keeping me sick. She laughed. I haven't found a good one since, so I don't go.
I'm since stressed out over money I can't function. Without a car I have a very limited area to walk to to apply. Most tell me to apply online. I can't even do that anymore. I don't live in a very good area. My block has actually gotten better. No more gang bangers and drug dealers. But walk off my block and its a different story. No way could I carry a laptop somewhere to use internet. If I did for a while when I could drive but I'm not dying over being robbed. I don't go places or do things unless its with family. Its not like I spend money on things. He'll I haven't bought a new pair if Walmart jeans since after Bill died cause I first lost then gained weight. I own 3 pairs. I have to borrow a belt from Dakotah's skinny but to keep them up. I was them and hang them it to dry and I see light through them. My tank tops are all hanging, most are have holes and so thin its unattractive ...very. ignore I been over I'm naked.  I I moved in here thinking we'd be living into a big house again soon. I bet I've got clothes buried in there that look new, but even though I had a way to get to them before I never had gas in a tank. Just every day I wake up and know this is going to be the day something happens. It happens alright. Something else shows up that the I.ly way to make it go away is money. I've tried selling things I have.making things to sell looking into direct sales...Anything. But I get nothing.

I want to buy a bar. I'm to old and ugly to stand behind one, but I know how to run one. I don't really drink. I'm saving that fir my daughters wedding in July and doing shots till u drop, cause .... I don't know the cause...just doing it. But I bet I can make a profit, cause ill be watching all those people with their SSDI checks filling my register. Seems like other than dealing them drugs, its the only way I'd get a check. And I don't don't think everyone who has a problem shouldn't get help, I'm just frustrated. And the fact I had a husband that hated when I did work cause he was the provider absolutely sucks. The second to the last job I had I had ffor a total iof 10 years. I quit and a couple years later I went back when the owner begged me because she was getting ripped off. But that job paid cash. Doesn't show up be benefits cause I didn't earn any and puts a huge gap in my work history. But I tell you what. I'd sure do it right now.

Gotta rub something into my back and leg. All I've gotten done is take my little Minnie out to potty and I hurt to bad to move.

Funny I'm exhausted
Bill 7/12/2010
I've been WiddaWhompped

Bluebird

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #28 on: May 30, 2015, 06:16:08 PM »
(((((BillsKim))))),

I'm devastated to hear of your continued struggles to make a living. I have seen your continued efforts to try different approaches and I'm in awe of the resilience you have shown to keep putting one foot in front of the other, literally.

No, we are not sick of you or tired of hearing your struggles. No, you are not useless. You have come this far Kim and I believe in my heart you will find something soon.

I am praying that things will turn around.

Love and hugs, Bluebird
My First Love, Peace Be Thine

TooSoon

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Re: Can someone just talk to me for a minute?
« Reply #29 on: May 30, 2015, 06:50:49 PM »
Hi there.  I can't stop thinking about your posts and have been trying to think of something proactive I could do to assist.  If you are comfortable PMing me where you live, I thought I could do some research for you.  I am very concerned about your food situation; it cannot be helping your health situation either.  It seems to me that there should be a solution to this.  It isn't much but if you'd like me to research some options, I would be more than happy - relieved, in fact - to do it. 

You matter.  it may not always feel like it but you matter.  Please keep checking in so we know you're there.