Author Topic: How did you do it?  (Read 1172 times)

jlp

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How did you do it?
« on: May 30, 2015, 05:31:16 PM »
For those of you who did not lose your spouses suddenly, how did you manage to make it through the days/weeks leading up to the anniversary of the death?

I'm at 11 months and honestly thought a few weeks ago I was doing better, but this past week has been horrible.  All I can think about is "a year ago (such and such day) he was admitted to the hospital; on this day, he came home; on this day, he was admitted to hospice."  Etc. 

I've been working hard to try to line up social activities for the next few weeks, to help keep me distracted and cheered up, but I'm still struggling.  When you're a widow (especially without kids), I might as well have Ebola, for as much as I feel shunned.  Way too much crying going on.

So, if any of you have any tips that might help me avoid crawling into bed for the next months, it would be much appreciated.

jlp

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Re: How did you do it?
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2015, 05:37:54 PM »
S$$t.  I'm so screwed up, I just realized this should go into the "One year and beyond" category.

Wheelerswife

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Re: How did you do it?
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2015, 09:27:10 PM »
Unfortunately, I relived the last weeks of my first husbands life in full technicolor as the days came toward the first anniversary.  I also relived very difficult times on our wedding anniversary, as we had spent our last 2 anniversaries with him in critical condition in ICU. 

I guess the better news is that the excruciating details faded more as time went on.  Now, I can still remember what happened, but it doesn't haunt me like it did in the first couple of years.

Hugs...I know how hard it can be.

Maureen
« Last Edit: May 31, 2015, 12:09:20 AM by Wheelerswife »
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Virgo

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Re: How did you do it?
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2015, 11:46:41 PM »
I know it's easier said then done, but I try not to dwell on the sad dates. I don't want them to hold more meaning than all of the happy dates. My husband was diagnosed just 8 days before our 19th wedding anniversary (our last), so we ended up celebrating it at the cancer center three hours away from home. On what would have been our 20th I took our daughters to our favorite restaurant. We always went there for our anniversary. I plan on making it a tradition with our daughters. He died 7 days after his 39th birthday. I donated blood on his birthday, and treated his death anniversary like I would any other day (missing him.)

The first year was hard because you do think 'this time last year.' Then once you get to the second year you're sad because you can't say 'this time last year' anymore.

Your idea of scheduling other activities is basically what I do, but I would imagine it is more difficult by yourself.  ((hugs))
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

lcoxwell

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Re: How did you do it?
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2015, 05:38:36 PM »
Reliving Kenneth's final week was something I did every month, on the 3rd-10th, but I wanted to somehow try to turn the sad memories around, as I headed into the final week, leading up to the one year anniversary. I ended up paying tribute to his memory, by writing about each of those days here and on ywbb. Writing about what happened, and reflecting on the memories, helped me to survive the one year anniversary of his death and the week leading up to it. It was healing, for me to just get it out and to share it with people, who would understand.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.