Author Topic: Summer road trip  (Read 19098 times)

Wheelerswife

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #90 on: July 28, 2015, 11:11:03 PM »
Well, 14,000 miles (22,530 kilometers) later, I'm actually home.  14,000 miles of seeing beautiful scenery, missing John like crazy, imagining what the experience would have been like if he had been at my side through it all, feeling the pain of his absence.  I realize just how much the medical crises in my life after he died really didn't allow me to grieve.  I've grieved heavily over the last 8 weeks and muffled a lot of my crying because my niece was with me, but finally had no choice but to let go and just let the tears flow in the few days leading up to the interment.  I don't know if I've ever been so low.  The weight feels a bit less now.  I think that is mostly because I have something new on which to focus my attention.  I'm flying my niece home in 2 days, then flying back home and I go back to work in 6 days.  2 weeks later, I start school again.  I seem to have the motor program in my brain to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Maybe that is good.  That program has gotten me through the 18 months since he died.  Maybe it will move me to a place where I can start to see that the future can be good again?  I sure hope it is possible to survive being widowed a second time.  I was so happy.  Darned happy.  I want that again.  I risked it... and I'd never been happier.  Can I overcome this pain?  I wouldn't have missed a single moment with him.  That I clearly know.  But this really, really hurts. 

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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SimiRed

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #91 on: July 28, 2015, 11:41:33 PM »
Holy Smokes!! 14,000 miles!!! Wow, amazing!  Is your butt sore from all that driving?

It's amazing how our feet keep us going, and you have amazing strength, Maureen, just amazing.  And, along the way, you constantly give others a part of that.

I'm sure you feel like you ran a marathon because you are left feeling battered and broken. But, I know that it will not make you feel like giving up. The turbulence won?t last forever, you will come through it, and you will be left shaken, but ready to face another day.

I love you...Sending you great BIG {{{HUGS}}}
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

Ursula

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #92 on: July 31, 2015, 07:49:49 PM »
Maureen, I missed most of your trip, but have read your whole post just now. It shows a journey full of beauty and pain. I am truly sorry you have to feel all this pain, but on the other hand I see your trip like a journey onward, catharsis, digesting stuff, like you say, catching up on grieving. I believe when facing the grandeur of nature, one becomes much more aware of ones emotional status, and emotions may be augmented. I am happy for you that you could make this wonderful trip. You travelled the whole country (ha, continent really) , you are so strong and such an inspiration. I am sorry you could not do this trip together with John.
The ceremony sounds lovely, honest and fitting. It just shows how much you love him because you did this for him.
I have no answer to your question on whether you can overcome this pain. I wish you may. You deserve to be happier than this.
I hope your anxiety goes away. You are one strong woman Maureen and an inspiration. Wishing you well, very well and many many hugs. I wish there was a spaceship we could pile all that pain on and send it into outer space...
xxx
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

Virgo

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #93 on: July 31, 2015, 08:27:42 PM »
Amazing how many people you connected with during your travels. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I hope to see more photos. It sounds like it was very emotional, but healing too. I wish I would have read earlier on so I could have met up with you. I live in Indiana. Maybe next time you travel through. Many, many hugs Maureen.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Wheelerswife

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #94 on: July 31, 2015, 08:36:10 PM »
Virgo, I've not been known to sit still for too long.  Chances are I'll end up crossing Indiana again.  You are always welcome to drive through Kansas, too!

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Wheelerswife

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #95 on: August 07, 2015, 11:25:49 PM »
I've been home for a full week.  I went back to my graduate assistant position at the university and I've had a few appointments to get in. (Oh, excitement!  Plan that colonoscopy!)  I'm doing fairly well.  I feel great relief that John's ashes have been interred.  I have kept my promise to John.  I've had more time to reflect on my road trip.  I think in many ways, my anxiety is managed so much better that I was able to feel the intensity of the sadness that had been lurking underneath.  (What would I do without my dog Rosie!)  I had so much anger at the universe when John died...and anxiety managed to burst onto the scene with a vengeance...and then surgery and a cancer diagnosis...I'd had no place to really feel the sadness.  I don't know how I had the presence of mind to decide to take this road trip last December, but I did.  Did I think it would be hard at times?  Yes.  Did I think it would hurt so much?  No.  I really thought that it was more about using this last free summer to try to see some places I'd never had the chance to see.  It turned out to be a 14,000 mile walk through grief.  It started out lighter, but the intensity increased over time, until I reached a point of breaking down and just crying for days.  I felt like I was back in week one.  And I buried his ashes and I turned and walked away...drove away, really...and faced several empty days on the road heading back home.  It was over.  It was done.  Now what?  Begin the process...continue the process...of trying to figure out how to live with loss. 

And so...I will start my semester in a week.  I will access that program in my head that coordinates the movement of my feet in a forward direction and I'll keep walking toward the future.  I will keep working toward that new career that will get me to retirement.  I hope to access some beauty and friendship and love out there...and some day, find deep love again. 

I doubt I will ever have a road trip of this proportion again.  I hope I never have to face this kind of angst and responsibility again, either.  But...life really has only one guarantee...

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Lisa

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #96 on: August 09, 2015, 12:48:15 PM »
Wishing you some peace
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

Jen

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #97 on: August 09, 2015, 03:30:34 PM »
Maureen, I just want to tell you that I've been thinking about you a lot... just haven't been able to post much. (((((((HUGS)))))))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

DonnaP

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Re: Summer road trip
« Reply #98 on: August 14, 2015, 02:09:39 PM »
Hi sweetheart!
I just had time to read your most recent posts on this thread. What an amazing journey you had! And, YES, THANK GOODNESS for Rosie being by your side the whole time! She has been a Godsend! And I'm glad you have her with you!

I was in awe seeing and hearing about all of the places you visited. Such beauty! It's good that you were able to, not only take the time to travel across the country like that, but also share the experience with your niece! I'm so sorry John wasn't able to participate in it too, but I suppose, had he been here, the trip would never have happened in the same way that it did... Weird how so many life events are predicated on other life events.

I'm still trying to sort my way through some things that leave knots in my stomach--mostly family related. The one thing I do know for certain is that the friends I've made through YWBB are some of the best friends I could ever ask for--especially YOU! Hang in there, my friend. There is more to this life yet... perhaps a new love will come around the corner one fine day and sweep you off your feet. Who knows? Stranger things have happened...

Until then, know that you are LOVED so very much, by all of us!!! :)
*******
I still think of you, Mick...every SINGLE day!