Author Topic: Prayers or Good thoughts....  (Read 34798 times)

SoVerySad

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Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #180 on: July 18, 2015, 06:01:27 AM »
Tight hugs, SR. You are doing great. Despite it not being easy, you've got your focus on the future happiness and greater sense of peace both you and your son deserve. You'll get there. You've got the drive and us behind you to remind you how awesome you are.

Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Trying

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  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #181 on: July 18, 2015, 06:53:24 AM »
You are such an inspiration!  I can't even imagine how difficult and scary this is for you but you are doing it despite all of that, so you and your son can have a better future.  Keep looking forward, we are all standing right behind you cheering you on.
You will forever be my always.

A Tout Jamais

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Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #182 on: July 18, 2015, 08:49:20 AM »



"With each day we are given a chance
for a New Beginning!"

-- Unknown






"Earth teach me regeneration
 as the seed which rises in the spring."

― William Alexander


ATJ :)
« Last Edit: May 20, 2016, 09:37:28 AM by A Tout Jamais »
"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"

SimiRed

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  • Widowed 9-19-09 Joined YWBB 10-2009
Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #183 on: July 20, 2015, 10:09:44 PM »
I love that quote! 

New Beginnings, yes, it has been difficult, to say the least.  Still getting messages, bible quotes on how a wife should never leave a husband,   How my heart has now become hardened and I need to read Corinthians 7:10-24, I read some of it... he's nuts is all I can say.  His a ticking time bomb ready to explode and I'm glad I'm far away.

Found a house that I love, and hopefully it will be a place I can call "Home" soon. 

I have days of being excited, thinking of what kind of furniture I would like to buy, and then sadness cause I have no clue what my tastes are, they have always been adjusted to please others.  Now it's time to figure out what I like.

Gosh, I have so much to do, I become so overwhelmed at times that I succumb to the tears.  How on Earth have I gotten this much accomplished in 7 weeks?  No clue, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep moving, keeping my eye on my goal of happiness.

I'm scared, of a lot of things.  Will I do it right?  Can I be the Mom and the Dad for my son?  Can I stop being so gun-shy around people and not feel attacked by the simplest words, since that is how I was conditioned to be for so long? 

I may have "escaped" the abuser, but I have not yet escaped the "abuse" (or the effects of it). The "leaving" step is only the start of my journey, and that the bulk of my journey needs to  involve healing from the abuse.

Not only do I need to learn to be happy, I need to learn to not be scared, to trust in others again and to trust in my own instincts.  My trust in other people has been lost, or at least seriously damaged, and I have to work on rebuilding that ability again.

How does one become so scarred by harsh words and anger that that is what they feel and see most of the time?  How does one take a joke again and not fall to tears thinking someone is being hurtful? 

I have simply been existing, I need to start LIVING again.  I need to find that inner peace that so many of us strive to find here.  I don't have to be what everyone wants me to be, I only have to be what I want to be.  That is a hard thing to do...

Your continued support has kept me going strong, you are all amazing! 

I can't wait to put "Rick" back on the hearth, right where he belongs.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2015, 10:11:49 PM by SimiRed »
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

sunshinedaydreamz

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Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #184 on: July 20, 2015, 10:35:49 PM »
Now is the time to celebrate you are away from him.
As far how do I ? You're doing it.
Time for you to shine. Pick anything but floral prints for the furniture.
And when you do decide to have a party, please invite everyone here.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2015, 01:48:22 AM by sunshinedaydreamz »

SimiRed

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  • Widowed 9-19-09 Joined YWBB 10-2009
Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #185 on: July 27, 2015, 11:13:55 PM »
Sunshinedaydreamz... Thanks for the smile!!  And no way, no floral prints! 

I'll make sure you get the invite :) 
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

SimiRed

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  • Widowed 9-19-09 Joined YWBB 10-2009
Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #186 on: July 28, 2015, 12:34:03 AM »
Healing....

What is it?  What does it mean?  It means something different to everyone.  We all have to do this, somehow, someway, right?  Do we ever heal or just learn to live with it?  I don't know, But what I do know is that it's not easy!  Whatever we are healing from, the loss of a loved one, the loss of our friends...the loss of our "Someday".  "Someday", we'll do this together, "Someday", we'll be able to sit back and watch our children grow.  Oh.. there's healing in all shapes and forms and healing from so many different things. 

I may still feel helpless and overwhelmed at times, but I need to focus on what I have accomplished in these weeks since walking out that door that held me trapped.  The biggest step is over, I freed my self from those grips of emotional pain that is so different from the emotional pain of losing a spouse.  He chose to be cruel and treat me badly, His choice, his loss...I need to focus on that and not worry about his feelings, since he never worried about mine or my sons.

I can put my favorite music on, learn to reclaim those small joys in life, one by one, for myself and my son.  Gaining emotional strength is going to be a long road, but I'm going forward not back...not ever back!  We get one life, and we all need to be treated with dignity and respect.  I will learn to replace those toxic memories of the past with happy new memories and new experiences. 

It's much easier to know what I need to do then to actually do it. In order to heal, I must keep putting one foot in front of the other, acknowledge what brought me to this point, accept it, and move on from it.  This is what will define me and make me stronger.  It's not the pain of what has happened, it's how I choose to react to it.  It is my choice to grow and to make myself a better person, it is my choice to decide how this will define me.

I want to learn how to love again, live again, smile and laugh without it being the "game face"  that I wore for a long time.  I don't want to hide who I am.  I am somebody more then the widow, the abused, the pain..

A clean slate, where my past is unknown to everyone around me now, I can learn who I am without others defining me from my past.

I can choose to trust and to reveal a past, only when I decide. 

Today, I went walking in the early morning.  This I do everyday.  Half way... I stood there, with my feet on the ground, looking up at the sunrise, holding my head high...looking, actually seeing the world out there.  I will stand tall.  One left me broken hearted, filled with deep sadness.  The other, left me broken, shattered to pieces, scarred and damaged.  But, this will never define who I will become.  I will be the one who sees the good, the beauty and above all else, I'll be the one who can show my dearest late DH that Yes, I do have the strength that you said I always had and that you always believed me to have. He believed in me and believed in my courage and my confidence.  Right now, I feel as if the stepping stones ahead of me are not stones at all, they are pebbles.  But, daggone it!  I can fit one big toe on that pepple and I will cross it to the next one, and as I go, they'll get bigger and my footing will get stronger.  Soon, I'll be skipping across those things! 

What have I accomplished since I last "checked-in"?

My home...will be mine by Friday ✔
A son, who now hugs me goodnight ✔
A school for my son, who are impressed with who he is and what he has accomplished with his grades ✔
Furniture, not yet, but I'm finding what I like, what I like!  ✔
A plan, a goal, a place to call "Home" ✔
Restricted incoming phone calls, after 40 in one day, I blocked those too ✔
Tears on bad days, but keep picking myself up ✔
Determination ✔
Overcoming the manipulative "charm" ✔
A supportive family ✔
Hope ✔
Board games with my son, because we can ✔
Ignoring the constant hum of the phone ✔
Pushing down the negativity, feeding on the positive ✔
Deposit on the electric to be turned on in my HOME ✔
Everyday I'm stronger but I still look over my shoulder ✔

I'm done with all the hurt, lies, and mind games ... . I am ready for that next BIG step which will lead me into my new life!
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

widowat33

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Re: Prayers or Good thoughts....
« Reply #187 on: July 28, 2015, 01:04:45 AM »
I have been following your journey. You are incredible. It is so hard to stay with someone who is controlling, yet it's harder to leave. I haven't been in your situation however if there ever comes a day that I am I can only hope that I would have half of your strength and positivity.
You are doing the best thing not only for yourself, but for your son too.
I feel as though I've learnt to live with the loss of my husband, but amazingly I've also started healing as well. I think there's a very fine line between the two and it's so hard to distinguish which is which.

Thinking of you.