Healing....
What is it? What does it mean? It means something different to everyone. We all have to do this, somehow, someway, right? Do we ever heal or just learn to live with it? I don't know, But what I do know is that it's not easy! Whatever we are healing from, the loss of a loved one, the loss of our friends...the loss of our "Someday". "Someday", we'll do this together, "Someday", we'll be able to sit back and watch our children grow. Oh.. there's healing in all shapes and forms and healing from so many different things.
I may still feel helpless and overwhelmed at times, but I need to focus on what I have accomplished in these weeks since walking out that door that held me trapped. The biggest step is over, I freed my self from those grips of emotional pain that is so different from the emotional pain of losing a spouse. He chose to be cruel and treat me badly, His choice, his loss...I need to focus on that and not worry about his feelings, since he never worried about mine or my sons.
I can put my favorite music on, learn to reclaim those small joys in life, one by one, for myself and my son. Gaining emotional strength is going to be a long road, but I'm going forward not back...not ever back! We get one life, and we all need to be treated with dignity and respect. I will learn to replace those toxic memories of the past with happy new memories and new experiences.
It's much easier to know what I need to do then to actually do it. In order to heal, I must keep putting one foot in front of the other, acknowledge what brought me to this point, accept it, and move on from it. This is what will define me and make me stronger. It's not the pain of what has happened, it's how I choose to react to it. It is my choice to grow and to make myself a better person, it is my choice to decide how this will define me.
I want to learn how to love again, live again, smile and laugh without it being the "game face" that I wore for a long time. I don't want to hide who I am. I am somebody more then the widow, the abused, the pain..
A clean slate, where my past is unknown to everyone around me now, I can learn who I am without others defining me from my past.
I can choose to trust and to reveal a past, only when I decide.
Today, I went walking in the early morning. This I do everyday. Half way... I stood there, with my feet on the ground, looking up at the sunrise, holding my head high...looking, actually seeing the world out there. I will stand tall. One left me broken hearted, filled with deep sadness. The other, left me broken, shattered to pieces, scarred and damaged. But, this will never define who I will become. I will be the one who sees the good, the beauty and above all else, I'll be the one who can show my dearest late DH that Yes, I do have the strength that you said I always had and that you always believed me to have. He believed in me and believed in my courage and my confidence. Right now, I feel as if the stepping stones ahead of me are not stones at all, they are pebbles. But, daggone it! I can fit one big toe on that pepple and I will cross it to the next one, and as I go, they'll get bigger and my footing will get stronger. Soon, I'll be skipping across those things!
What have I accomplished since I last "checked-in"?
My home...will be mine by Friday ✔
A son, who now hugs me goodnight ✔
A school for my son, who are impressed with who he is and what he has accomplished with his grades ✔
Furniture, not yet, but I'm finding what I like, what I like! ✔
A plan, a goal, a place to call "Home" ✔
Restricted incoming phone calls, after 40 in one day, I blocked those too ✔
Tears on bad days, but keep picking myself up ✔
Determination ✔
Overcoming the manipulative "charm" ✔
A supportive family ✔
Hope ✔
Board games with my son, because we can ✔
Ignoring the constant hum of the phone ✔
Pushing down the negativity, feeding on the positive ✔
Deposit on the electric to be turned on in my HOME ✔
Everyday I'm stronger but I still look over my shoulder ✔
I'm done with all the hurt, lies, and mind games ... . I am ready for that next BIG step which will lead me into my new life!
