Author Topic: Too little too late  (Read 2354 times)

widowat33

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Too little too late
« on: June 08, 2015, 10:37:13 PM »
My dh died in a single vehicle accident. It is believed that he fell asleep while driving. He had just finished working a three week rotation in which he worked 12 hour days, he was making the twelve hour drive home and was about two hours away from home when it happened. Of course he was tired, and too stubborn and in too much of a hurry to get home that he didn't pull over to have a sleep. He always pushed himself too hard. I will always be thankful that there was no one with him or that there were no other vehicles involved.
My bil met someone today wearing a hat with my dh's company logo, and mentioned my dh. The guy said his son worked with my dh and knew all about the accident.
In fact it affected everyone else so much that they now fly both ways instead of driving.
I hope that this will prevent another family from going what we went through, and if it does that's great. But a part of me feels sad too that it had to be him that brought about this change. Like I said too little too late, for us. Hopefully not for another family though.
On a side note, I can't sleep at night anymore. Last night I was still awake at five am. When I doze off I awake suddenly with images of that night when the cops pulled in to tell me, telling my two boys. This just started happening recently, almost 11 months later. I know a little about CBT and also try to put myself in the moment, the present instead of focusing on the past but it doesn't always work or takes a while to work.
I've just been having a hard time lately, stress and anxiety keeps building up. My hardest times are when I'm alone and I haven't been out much in the day time since I have been done school. In the evenings I always have company, but bed time is really hard. I miss sliding into his arms to sleep, feeling his warmth against me...

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2015, 10:43:00 PM »
I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I'm hearing you about sliding into his arms at night. I too miss that so much. It's hard to go from being a very loved person to nothing at all. I miss all the love we shared in very many little and big ways.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Virgo

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2015, 11:02:14 PM »
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. ((hugs)) It is so bittersweet that positive changes come about after tragedies. I'm glad that you're able to see the positive side even though the changes didn't save your husband.

Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Trying

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2015, 06:20:37 AM »
(((Widowat33)))
When I was approaching the one year of diagnosis and 4 months of his cancer battle I had a lot of flashbacks.  The day I had to tell my boys is so vivid and I would replay it over and over.  Maybe it's the approach of the anniversary triggering your flashbacks.  I hope you can ride it out and that they ease once you pass that difficult mark of time.

The change your husbands company has made is wonderful but of course you are left feeling like they should've thought of it without him having to die.

I wish you more peaceful days ahead
You will forever be my always.

lcoxwell

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2015, 06:55:26 PM »
I am so sorry that you had to lose your love, in order for this change to come about. I know it is of no real comfort that something good came from death, and I wish these changes could have been made before his death. Wishing you peace, and hoping your flashbacks will fade away.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Captains wife

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2015, 06:19:11 AM »
I'm so sorry. While it is good your husbands company made an important change, it should have been done sooner. Life really isn't fair sometimes. Please take care of yourself, none of this is easy and the sudden loss is such a shock. i lost my husband suddenly in a boating accident and he was working - when I approached the company about some safety changes, they totally slammed the door in my face. Re. Sleeping, even at 3 years out I still sometimes can't sleep but I remember how hard sleep was in the first years too. I tried a few things - working out earlier, relaxation yoga, meditation tapes, melatonin. Wishing you all the best,

momtokam

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2015, 06:48:03 AM »
I really understand how you are feeling. My husband was killed on the job and now many changes are in place that would have saved his life.

Yes, I don't want another family to ever have to deal with what we dealt with but it still hurts to know it had to take his death for these changes to be made.

As far as sleep, it comes and goes for me.....sigh.

SoVerySad

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2015, 07:38:18 AM »
Tight hugs to you, widowat33. I'm sorry things are feeling harder lately. I agree that bedtime is so painful.
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Mizpah

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2015, 08:50:39 AM »
I hope that this will prevent another family from going what we went through, and if it does that's great. But a part of me feels sad too that it had to be him that brought about this change. Like I said too little too late, for us.

I hear you.  My DH was standing on a sidewalk and was killed by a reckless driver that caused an accident that flew up onto the sidewalk.  After the accident, his family and I were contacted by people and organizations advocating for pedestrian safety, stricter laws and regulations, signage, etc.  I have a lot of widow friends (mostly cancer widows I guess) who have gotten involved in working toward solutions for the issues that took their loves.  I admire them so much, and I'm not proud to say that my main feeling was one of indifference - my loss is about DH, not about pedestrian deaths - about his life, not his death.  If I were a better person, perhaps I'd care about the larger issue and those whose lives could be saved going forward.  But somehow I only see him.  Like you say, too little too late. 

(Sorry for the tangent/hijacking/confession!)
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

serpico

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2015, 09:15:46 AM »
^^^ I'm sort of the same way.  My wife died when she didn't stop at a stop sign at an intersection that has a history of fatal accidents.  A couple months after the accident one of her friends started to bang the drum to get a flashing light put up there, but I just couldn't get any enthusiasm for it.  Part of me didn't want to be seen as somehow assigning blame to the state or anyone else for something that was indeed my wife's fault.  Accidents happen, and I'm sure there are plenty of things everyone could do to make our lives safer, but a lot of those things would also reduce our freedom to just be humans, fallible as we are.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

widowat33

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Re: Too little too late
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2015, 09:50:37 AM »
^^^ I'm sort of the same way.  My wife died when she didn't stop at a stop sign at an intersection that has a history of fatal accidents.  A couple months after the accident one of her friends started to bang the drum to get a flashing light put up there, but I just couldn't get any enthusiasm for it.  Part of me didn't want to be seen as somehow assigning blame to the state or anyone else for something that was indeed my wife's fault.  Accidents happen, and I'm sure there are plenty of things everyone could do to make our lives safer, but a lot of those things would also reduce our freedom to just be humans, fallible as we are.

I agree.
After the accident my fil was angry with my dh's company for allowing them to work their two weeks of twelve hour shifts then immediately send them home...he worked in a mine in the middle of nowhere. He thought that they should've made them sleep before sending them home. I told my sil, that if that was the policy my dh would've purposely stayed awake just to prove that he didn't need sleep..he was a very stubborn person. No one would've told him that he had to stay to sleep, and he would've been pissed about it. I don't blame anyone for this..it is what it is. I can't even blame him as I have been in the position of being extremely tired driving as well and just pushing myself to keep driving. He just wanted to get home to us and he made the choice to not pull over to sleep. A choice that has had tragic consequences, but not a choice he would've made had he known what the outcome would be.
I am happy that they are flying now instead of making the long drive, I just wish it would've happened sooner!