Author Topic: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...  (Read 3282 times)

Katelsam

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« on: June 22, 2015, 09:44:22 PM »
I love this quote. For me it represents my husband--he left an incredible impression, not only on me, but on so many others. He was a selfless, genuine, loving man; an incredible husband, friend, father; and inspiration.

This journey has turned my world upside down I am going on my second year in this journey and I still wake up some days in disbelief of my reality, as more and more time passes I am becoming 'adjusted' to this new life. I do my best stay positive and thank God for all the things that I did and do have. In so many ways I'm blessed. I no longer have open wounds, but some pretty nasty scars.

Any wids who 'know' me know, like many others I've had my fair share of dating struggles. When I first started dating a year out after my husband passed it was a high--the abundance of attention, the nights out getting wined and dined, feeling 'alive' again, but after that bright flame quickly fizzled out as fast as it was ignited, which it always did, I was on to find the next flame getting more discouraged each time. I committed to no one and spent a fair share exploring the dating pool; which was mediocre at best. It didn't take long before I became bored with the dating scene; moving from date to date. Always on the search for something I would never find, my late husband--at least not in this life.

In one way or another I was always comparing. Why? Because he was the love of my life; in many ways it only seems natural. I want my best friend, my lover, the father of my children. We were that annoying couple that everyone wanted to be. Our biggest argument was over how much to tip a waitress. We were live in best friends, with some great bennys of course, but, as the saying goes, a candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...thus how I wound up here.

All this time I was searching for something that didn't exist and therefore I was ignoring what was right in front of me. I have dated a number of guys since last summer. Many good men, others that couldn't quite hold a candle to my expectations (pun intended), but no one who could ever keep my interest. I made my fair share of mistakes....a lot of mistakes, but that's all part of this journey.

Since the summer of last year I met a man whom I continued to date over the course of the last 11 months. A very patient man. We only saw each other once or twice a month. He was always respectful and made it clear that he had no problems with "taking things slow with me" admittedly, I took him for granted. He was my 'safety net' I could go out and have fun, explore the dating pool and knew he would still be there-patiently waiting--never blowing up my phone, or trying to monopolize my free time--the definition of a 'nice guy finishing last'. I realize now how selfish this was and how lucky I am that he stuck around.

On many occasions he showed me glimpses of just how wonderful he was, but I was too busy searching for my 'late husband' to realize how great he was. I could never get past the fact that he was not my husband--he didn't do everything like my husband did--he wasn't this or that or didn't do this or that, but what he did do, was be dependable, honest, funny, respectful, thoughtful, caring, genuine, fun, and loving. It's true, he's not my husband, but he's a damn good man. Cue--light bulb!

After all this time, my ridiculous shenanigans, and the constant hem hawing I am lucky enough that the patient man I speak of is willing to put up with my stubbornness, flaws, and all of my 'stuff'. I am happy to say that the search is over, I found my man and he's been right in front of me (patiently waiting) all this while. Yep, I lucked out! I am proud to call him mine. I was looking for a hot spark, but Instead I got a steady flame.

Do I miss my late husband? Every. Single. Day. Am I happy to be in a relationship with a patient, loving man? Absolutely. He is not my husband, but he is a good man and I am A-OK with that. :)



« Last Edit: June 22, 2015, 10:08:56 PM by Katelsam »
?.?*?*?Forever in my heart, sweet Sammy, until we meet again?*?*?.?

lcoxwell

  • Member
  • Posts: 671
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2015, 12:22:47 AM »
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed reading your post. I love stories like these, and I have always had a special place in my heart for good, patient men who are there, when needed. I am so happy that you have found one of these men, and I wish you all the best in your relationship. Good for you!
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

serpico

  • Member
  • Posts: 279
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2015, 08:46:07 AM »
Awesome news!  I kept hearing about how 'it' will happen when you stop looking, and 'it' has happened to me as well.  So happy for you, Kate!
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Mizpah

  • Member
  • Posts: 750
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2015, 09:09:32 AM »
I love every word of this - you took us along with you, finally getting to your realization and current spot.  I'm so glad you have the partnership of a good man.  I imagine that many of our DHs and DWs would want for us just what you described.  So glad for you. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

MrsT85

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 242
  • Widowed by a car accident at age 27
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2015, 10:25:32 AM »

Do I miss my late husband? Every. Single. Day. Am I happy to be in a relationship with a patient, loving man? Absolutely. He is not my husband, but he is a good man and I am A-OK with that. :)

Yes, yes, yes.  This is exactly how I feel about my New Guy (now Fiance) as well. 

I knew instantly I would never find another Tim. That I'd never find another person who clicked with me quite as well and in quite the same way - he really and truly was my best friend in addition to being my wonderful husband. 

So I told myself right away - don't even try to look for that again.  I was 19 when I started dating Tim, and in all honesty I just don't think it's possible to find that level of comfort and intimacy again because I'll never be that kid that I was when I met Tim, that kid that he helped turn into the adult I am today.  His fingerprints are all over the person I've become - it's no ones fault that no one else will fit the impressions he left as perfectly as he did.  And I have to be okay with that if I'm ever going to be happy again.

Fiance is a good, loving patient man who fell in love with me knowing full-well how complicated it would be.  And not only has he stuck around almost 2 years now, also wants to become the next Mr. Rebecca.  He makes me happy, and I seem to make him happy too.  And that's enough :)
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

mmg19

  • Member
  • Posts: 323
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2015, 05:57:41 PM »
Love your insight into your journey.  Yes, I think you have found a keeper.  So happy for you. 

Patient, respectful, moving at a slow pace and allowing you to find yourself says it all.   Yea Kate.

Guaruj

  • Member
  • Posts: 218
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2015, 06:48:01 PM »
I took him for granted. He was my 'safety net' I could go out and have fun, explore the dating pool and knew he would still be there-patiently waiting--never blowing up my phone, or trying to monopolize my free time--the definition of a 'nice guy finishing last'.

I also enjoyed your post. You deserve praise in that you recognized this guy for how well he treats you.  I have met many women who fail to do that, and they had not suffered the pain of losing a husband the way you did.

Quote
[...] how lucky I am that he stuck around.

Sounds like he's lucky, too.  Obviously he saw something in you that he didn't see in others. I am glad his persistence paid off.

I hope you both enjoy happy times together.

|+|  M a r k  |+|

Baylee627

  • Member
  • Posts: 268
  • Widowed on 3/13/14
    • dawiddahood
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2015, 08:02:04 PM »
Why that's wonderful news! May this new chapter be long and lovestruck!

Baylee
Though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion--Dylan Thomas

Mel4072

  • Guest
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2015, 04:03:41 AM »
Very happy for you Kate! I found a good guy too. 5 months and still loving it. Every minute of it!

Mel4072

  • Guest
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2015, 04:05:49 AM »
PS. I love your way with words!

Virgo

  • Member
  • Posts: 908
  • Location:Indiana Widowed:2/4/14
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2015, 02:39:02 PM »
Wonderful news!
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

patriciad

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Re: A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2015, 07:28:31 AM »
That is wonderful news!  Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful love story.

Pat