Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Social Encounters => Topic started by: StillWidowed on March 08, 2017, 08:38:23 AM

Title: Taking a poll
Post by: StillWidowed on March 08, 2017, 08:38:23 AM
How long do you think a woman should chat with a man online before:
A. She says it's time to meet
B. She just quietly drifts away? 
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: wecouldbeheros on March 08, 2017, 09:09:42 AM
30 seconds is too short and 1 minute too long.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: StillWidowed on March 08, 2017, 09:14:55 AM
I love a smartass response first thing in the morning!
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: StillWidowed on March 08, 2017, 09:23:34 AM
To be honest, I can't believe I've been chatting with him as long as I have.  A whole whopping six days as I HATE online dating.  In a weak, bored moment I got back online.  It doesn't last long with me, so he'd better get a hoppin'.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: daysofelijah on March 08, 2017, 11:44:06 AM
Unless it's long distance (which I wouldn't do anyway) I wouldn't talk for more than a week without some indication of a meeting irl. Some guys seem to just want penpals.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: SunshineFL on March 08, 2017, 05:00:38 PM
Unless it's long distance (which I wouldn't do anyway) I wouldn't talk for more than a week without some indication of a meeting irl. Some guys seem to just want penpals.

Agree with @daysofelijah - so true, sometimes that is all they want - for WEEKS or even MONTHS (the false appearance of a relationship, but it is only via messages or texts). Be cautious of that.

Keep us posted @stillwidowed
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: klim on March 08, 2017, 05:20:14 PM
A week before at least mentioning it although it may actually take longer for it to come to fruition.

I personally hate talking on the phone...I feel all nervous and fake and  like I try to hard...I'm way more relaxed meeting....I know I'm weird.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: SunshineFL on March 08, 2017, 06:02:23 PM
 ;) not weird @klim - uniquely wonderful you - - we are all so different - what works for one need not work well for another.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: twin_mom on March 08, 2017, 07:25:46 PM
I think it depends on the frequency/content of the conversations. I usually went 2-3 weeks of 1-2 emails a day before meeting. But NG will tell you that I had a rigorous questioning during that time. I didn't mean to- but I did have second dates with every meet but 1, so I guess I did?
However, I also had two preteens in the home and a 50+hours a week job outside the home, so it was easier for me to invest in messaging than meeting.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: RobFTC on March 08, 2017, 09:46:56 PM
I usually expressed interest in meeting after 2-3 message exchanges.  I was OK with the woman needing more time, and I was OK with setting up a meeting a ways out in the future to deal with the realities of life.  But the last time I waited almost a month to meet someone local with regular messaging going on, it was a giant waste of time - we met, it seemed fine, but the offer of a second date was met with news about a second job over the holidays and how hard it was going to be.  If the guy won't suggest meeting, you should decide how long your timer is and what happens when it goes off.

Take care,
Rob T
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: StillWidowed on March 09, 2017, 12:14:39 PM
Update:  I suggested the exchange of numbers (spidey senses were up) and he said ok.  Exchanged numbers and it was then him:  "did you get my text".  Me:  "no".  Him:  "must be my phone.  It did this with my son.  It's a 4S".  Me:  "Well I should still be able to receive texts from you".  Him:  crickets

I thought I was getting better at spotting the fakes and scammers, but I have to admit I haven't been keeping up with online dating.  Maybe they've got some new tricks I'm not picking up on.  Either way, I only wasted 6 days, and even at that, I don't get too invested in this stuff. 

Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: Forgottenwife on March 09, 2017, 12:40:11 PM
Update:  Exchanged numbers and it was then him:  "did you get my text".  Me:  "no".  Him:  "must be my phone.  It did this with my son.  It's a 4S".  Me:  "Well I should still be able to receive texts from you".  Him:  crickets


Oh, what a drag. You give a man your phone number and then he 'tries' to text you? Um, no. I don't want to be unkind, maybe he is super shy or he's been rejected or I don't know but when I give a man my phone number, if he is at all interested in getting to know me, he should call. Or, he can message he will call and ask for a good time to do so, but, other than that? Nah. I'd like to meet adults, that know how to make a phone call and ask the other person for coffee. Or a frozen yogurt. Or to meet at the driving range. Or something. Sigh**

I went online to meet people, and if they didn't want to meet after a few messages, I just stopped talking to them. Your time is valuable, this guy sounds like he's just not ready to go out.

I like your attitude, it was only 6 days!
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: jmringo on March 09, 2017, 02:24:46 PM
The sooner, the better. You want to make the connection to meet but if you wait too long, you will lose it. Or worse yet, feel like you wasted that time.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: klim on March 09, 2017, 07:16:51 PM
I try not to think any of this is a "waste of time".
Last october I spent the month of October seeing a guy once a week and texting every day....never got past a hug..in the end he said it wasn't working
. I don't think that was a wasted month...I feel it was a pleasant way to pass some time.

..but maybe that's because I'm often bored and looking for something to occupy my time.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: StillWidowed on March 10, 2017, 02:39:01 PM
Nah, he completely stopped communicating once I pushed for a phone number to move to the next phase.  That tells me he was a fake or probably married.  Just wanted to chat online and feed his ego.  I don't have that kind of time, so yes, it was a waste for me.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: calimom on March 10, 2017, 11:30:29 PM
Not really taking your poll, but hope you're reading the responses here. Probably treating online dating (and admittedly I'm no expert) as entertainment might be the way to go. If someone is not into you - even if there might have been an initial spark - they're just not into you. Try not to take it personally. The delete key on your computer might be a useful tool. In general, the ability to move on is a good life skill.

Wishing you the best, and try not to get too wrapped up in this.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: wecouldbeheros on March 13, 2017, 11:00:51 AM
Ok change my answer, few days, week at most, then consider it a waste of time.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: MrsDan on March 13, 2017, 01:55:23 PM
My boyfriend and I messaged for about six weeks. Yes that seems long. But I had a little trouble getting him to open up about himself. And for me to send messages took little time or effort. But to get a sitter, that was a big deal, and I had to make sure it was worth it. I will say that there was something that just kept drawing me back to him when we were messaging. I just knew there was something there.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: wecouldbeheros on March 14, 2017, 03:43:33 AM
Of course results may vary ( :
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: imissdow on March 14, 2017, 11:42:20 AM
Typically I'm good meeting within a 2 weeks, often less. Last guy I met just a little over a week after starting to message. I almost always suggest a meeting and plan it out several days in advance. Once I express this I expect a guy to run with it, most do.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: StillWidowed on March 14, 2017, 01:59:24 PM
I just ran into the same problem again.  They are fakes.  Probably big fat hairy men hiding behind a computer screen.  Most men want to meet me right away.  In fact, probably too quickly for my comfort, but now I know the ones that are real and the ones that are fake (for the most part).  Real usually want to meet me pretty quickly.  Like right now I have 14 messages.  I can't keep up with all of them.  The majority want to meet but I'm not attracted to most so the weeding continues.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: trying2breathe on March 15, 2017, 04:57:28 PM
klim  Not weird at all to prefer IRL over texting or phone calls.  Meeting in person works way better for me too. 


I'm impatient, depending on how texts/calls and circumstances are going, I don't like to wait much longer than a week.  If that doesn't work, I move on.  Oh well.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: ladybug on March 16, 2017, 05:29:22 AM
I think 2 weeks is a good time frame to text and phone.....after that if they don't want to meet, something is off.....but that is just my opinion.

A few months ago I wasted a month out of my life waiting to meet a guy.......long story short he was "not a good guy".

I learned the hard way......this is just my opinion.

Best of luck to all of us that do the online dating......
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: nonesuch on March 20, 2017, 07:05:04 PM
I try not to think any of this is a "waste of time".
Last october I spent the month of October seeing a guy once a week and texting every day....never got past a hug..in the end he said it wasn't working
. I don't think that was a wasted month..

It took me a while to get to the same point.  We're coming into this from relatively successful relationships.  Most single people are not.

The other day, my boss asked me what my funniest date was.  I can tell funny stories about my dates, and my reactions to them.  The men themselves were mostly not funny.  Some of them were odd or sad.  Most of them were lonely. 

With that in mind, it may be wise to remember that our potential dates may have been out there longer than we have.  They've been stood up, they've been met and rejected.  Society has gotten coarser over the last 25 (or 40) years, and the dates that preceded you may not have been kind about it.  Only a couple of the men I met, (in one case, didn't meet) were intentionally unkind.  Most of them were rather weary.

Toward the end, I met a fellow who had married in haste and was in the midst of a breakup.  Not only had the bride been less and less attentive as the months went on, in the end, she had essentially dumped him- on his birthday.  He had driven a couple hours to meet me, even though we'd already decided we lived too far apart to date. He reminded me that the journey is as important as the destination. 

Every date I went on was practice for if and when I met the right person.  Giving others a chance to tell me a little of their stories was probably good practice for them. 

My consort's daughter did a lot of internet dating.  She refused to meet anyone who wouldn't engage in two weeks of emails and such to get to know her.  Me, I would want to meet right off.  She lived in NYC, though. Maybe that gave her more time to check for criminal records.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: SemperFidelis on March 20, 2017, 11:27:11 PM
Well I've only met two. My initial thought is that I want to meet soon, within a week or two.

But the current guy I'm corresponding with.....its not gonna work to meet for another week or two. I think we have been talking for two weeks now. We had two or three loooooong phone conversations like......two or more hours each lol. Minimal texting through the week as he has been busier and so have I. Somehow, it feels fine. Normally I'd call it off, but the way we interact feels more like old friends who can pick up after months or years. I like that and I feel at ease even thhough timing isn't what I would like it to be. We shall see what happens. It may turn into nothing but I kinda like this ride even if that's the case.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: nonesuch on March 22, 2017, 07:09:19 PM
I put an ad on Craig's List around the beginning of December 2012.  After weeding through the responses, and finding two I wished to meet,  I then realized December was a busy month, both for work and for visiting with family.  Candidate X canceled two dates, nc/ns on the third.  Current consort and I were in casual contact throughout, with me apologizing for placing an ad at such a busy time.  We did finally meet mid-January, so I guess I did actually Google-chat and email him for about a month before we actually met. That meeting was delayed for about a week.  He had a cold, and he actually suggested that we not meet while he was sick because he didn't want me sick on my vacation he next week.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: arneal on July 25, 2017, 09:02:26 PM
Just saw this poll, so I hope the conversation continues as I'd love to know how everyone is doing.

nonesuch -- I love your word 'consort' :D

When I jumped into the deep end of this online dating thing, I had absolutely no clue what it was all about. I did not do my due diligence but quickly learned to swim with the sharks after getting bit by that first troll; fortunately nothing terrible happened but it made me wake up to the reality that dating had become a very different thing that it had been back before I met the first husband. And based on him, even though online dating did not exist, I should have known better but as was said, if we came from a decent thing, it's hard to recognize the crap sometimes.

After that troll incident, I set my standards as very specific: someone close enough that we could meet in short order for coffee or something at least. If he wasn't willing to do that, bye. NG and I messaged on the dating site for the first day or so; let me tell you, I wasn't going to send any messages to him even though I loved his profile and his photos. It took me taking a breath and stepping back from it to look objectively at the 'competition' -- in this case, there were a few comments on the photos like 'Hi' or 'Cute photo'. No substance. Based on his profile, I took him to be a man of substance. So I selected the photo I liked best, which was of him in some sort of vehicle, and asked the question, 'What are you driving?' It got his attention and he responded. I 'liked' his profile finally and he responded by 'liking' mine. We started the messaging thing and then traded numbers on like day one or two. He called me the same day that I gave my # and we talked for about an hour, made arrangements to meet in two days. We met as planned and talked for like four hours while we ate lunch. That was a year and a couple months ago now and I hope we keep growing together :)
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: jgib on August 15, 2017, 02:33:00 PM
Hmmm....interesting.  As of yet, I have not been the one to suggest a meeting.  I am a bit old school and think if a man has an interest, he will suggest it.
This may be why a couple of communications that seemed interesting just stopped.  If men are used to women suggesting the first meeting I may have seemed disinterested.
Oh well, not I a hurry anyways.  Don't really like this whole dating thing much.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: arneal on August 16, 2017, 11:00:00 AM
jgib -- it seems the way of dating, particularly online, has changed quite a bit. The Young, Widowed, and Dating site is offering a dating webinar this weekend (I get their emails as I needed to learn about dating after being widowed the second time. I had no clue about dating before this and with the advent of online dating and all that, I knew I needed help!) for those who might be interested: http://youngwidowedanddating.com/events/

I did make the suggestion of getting together first by saying something like 'We should meet up for coffee or lunch or something!'; my NG gave me his #, I gave him mine. He called me. It's all about how interested you are as you said, jgib. I was VERY interested in him from what I saw in his profile and the fact that we had good written communication, so I was willing to step out of what little comfort zone I had  :o :)
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: jgib on August 16, 2017, 04:11:29 PM
Thanks anneal, will check that site out. 
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: arneal on August 16, 2017, 05:52:07 PM
Most welcome, jgib!
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: Drafter on August 19, 2017, 11:32:40 AM
Wow,
Reading through this post has really enlighten me.... I guess in a strange way I'm one of those guys that prefers to chat. Not for any reasons other than I don't want to seem pushy and in a way I know I'm not ready to really start dating. At most I am looking for some company and wouldn't mind meeting someone just for coffee.
With the exception this online group and another, I've had no luck with being able to really talk / chat and express my feelings. For awhile I sort of was being overwhelmed with bereavement sites or groups or being involved with a religious groups and they all expected me to just show up. The issue with that is I'm still working full-time (just cant take time off to go to a daytime meeting), so that only leaves the weekends.

Anyway, I will keep what I've read in mind so I don't become one of those guys that is online texting, or chatting for months with someone...
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: arneal on August 19, 2017, 03:24:22 PM
It's all a process, Drafter. As you read through the boards and see more of our collective and individual histories, you will note that we are all at different places along this path. Some of us got out there and tried to connect sooner than others, some are interested but don't feel ready, others are tired of trying for now and are taking a break. This is a great place for 'sounding off' where other groups (virtual and otherwise) just don't fit :)
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: Christopher on August 19, 2017, 05:22:12 PM
A: Get technology out of the way ASAP. 1-3 days at most, 30 minutes at least.
B: Any time after that first 30 minutes

I seldom find anyone that fits into that window. It's either "Let's meet right now!" or it's "I want to chat for 6 months and ask you for money through Western Union every day or two"
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: Drafter on August 20, 2017, 08:15:57 PM
I seldom find anyone that fits into that window. It's either "Let's meet right now!" or it's "I want to chat for 6 months and ask you for money through Western Union every day or two"

Chris,
You are definitely right... for some reason there is no in-between.
Title: Re: Taking a poll
Post by: Redcat on November 06, 2017, 03:01:40 PM
Read "The Rules.". There are two books.  The second book gives tips for online dating.  Good info and two great books to read when you get back in the dating game.