Young Widow Forum

Young Widow Forum => General Discussion => Topic started by: Virgo on June 08, 2015, 09:50:43 PM

Title: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 08, 2015, 09:50:43 PM
I think we need an official 'say it here/vent thread.' A place where we can curse, complain, whine, whatever. No judgements or fear of sounding annoying or ungratful to others.


I'm upset with my dad. He is an alcoholic, but in his mind he's a social drinker. His drinking is starting to effect his relationship with me and my daughters. He's not a mean when he's drinking, but he gets sleepy. He also forgets conversations that they've had with him. I really don't want to limit his time with them, but I'm seriously considering it. I've already told my oldest daughter that they are not allowed to ride anywhere with him. No way! I'm the only one that tells him straight out that he has a problem. Everyone else enables him. Even my brother says it's his way of dealing with my mom's death. He might have increased his drinking since she died, but he has always been an alcoholic. Growing up my dad always had a beer in his hand. It's just one right after the other now.

The selfish side of me feels that it's bullshit that I even have to worry about him. Like I don't have enough on my plate. This probably wasn't nice, but I asked him if he felt that my girls had already been through enough. I sure do! Losing their Memaw (my mom) and then their dad three months later. Did he want to be another loss  that they had to deal with. He said they have been through enough, but he hasn't changed. He has cirrhosis, so it's just a matter of time. The only cure for severe cirrhosis is a liver transplant. If he stopped drinking he could slow the progression of the disease. I'm not sure if his is severe or not. It took a lot of prying just for him to admit to me that he had cirrhosis.

I'm just so angry at him! So, that's my vent. You're turn. ;)
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 08, 2015, 09:55:00 PM
I wanted to add that while my 16yo daughter was looking around my dad's garage (hoarders scene, lol) she said, "you know you're going to be the one eventually cleaning all of this up right?" How sad that she thinks that way. :(
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: PhotoJunkie on June 08, 2015, 09:59:17 PM
Big hugs!!  Big big hugs!!!   Im sorry he doesn't seem to understand what he is doing and how it affects hose around him. 

I don't even know where to start with my vent :P  lets just say my first two weeks here in MO have been very interesting and enlightening. 

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Trying on June 08, 2015, 10:18:01 PM
Virgo,I am so,sad to hear about your Dad and yes, you and the girls have had enough loss.

My vent, I hate the realtor I am going through for the house I am buying.  She doesn't respond to text, email or phone calls and is holding up the work, causing me stress!  I hate that my confidence is destroyed by just a few comments about decisions I've made. 

I hate that I am in the position to make decisions alone.  If DH was alive he would take care of inspections and the lawyer and I would take care of packing, unpacking and decorating.  If he was alive I wouldn't be moving, we would stay here forever.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 08, 2015, 10:48:45 PM
PhotoJunkie- Overwhelming?

Trying- My husband and I dealt with a realtor like that when we sold our first house. We ended up letting him go and choosing another realtor. Is that an option for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this alone. ((hugs))
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: widowat33 on June 08, 2015, 10:57:52 PM
Edited.
Too much info on an open forum.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 08, 2015, 11:09:47 PM
widowat33- It definitely sounds like you are being taken advantage of. The next time someone mentions helping you with a job let them know what would be a convenient time for you. Ask them how long they think the job will take. If they want a meal just suggest that they order in. Make sure you 'forget where your wallet is' when the food arrives. Stop allowing them to take advantage of you. That's not the type of help or support that you really need. Trust me, you'll figure out who your true friends are really quick. Don't allow family to take advantage of you either. Just say "no thanks, I've got it taken care of already" they next time they offer their 'help.' You can do this!! :)
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 08, 2015, 11:16:11 PM
I agree with Virgo. That needs to stop ASAP.  Not good at all. And nobody takes anything. Tell them you need to think about it and take your time. OMG some people can be such a'holes!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: widowat33 on June 08, 2015, 11:32:28 PM
Edited. Same reason as above.
Thanks for the support, just worried that some people I know might find this..
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 09, 2015, 12:13:05 AM
No you shouldn't! Honestly, with family being taken advantage of is something you shouldn't even have to worry about but it happens. Why can't everyone live by the golden rule "treat others as you want to be treated." Selfish people!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Captains wife on June 09, 2015, 11:38:00 AM
Can I just say - I am bloody exhausted, worn out. Between my full time job, my 4 year old (who isnt sleeping through the night right now + I am driving him to Boston literally every weekend to see my inlaws), my extra curricular activities (including my volunteer work) and trying to socialise (including dating) as well as trying to keep in shape is getting to be too much ! I just want to stay in bed for 3 days and do nothing.....and no one on the outside world has much sympathy.....including work people. I am also SICK of listening to married people tell me how busy their lives are.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: canadiangirl on June 09, 2015, 09:18:51 PM
Great thread, thanks Virgo.  So sorry to hear about your dad. 

I just want a day off from responsibilities.  Exhausted from being exhausted.  Major case of the eff-its, and tired of that too. 

Thanks for the non-judgemental space!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 09, 2015, 09:22:28 PM
I just want someone to take care of me for a change.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 09, 2015, 10:39:07 PM
More sympathy and understanding..yes!
Day off from responsibilities..yes!
Someone to take care of me..yes!

I agree!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 12, 2015, 12:50:48 PM
I talked to my dad yesterday. He is a mess. I talked to my brother and he seems a little more concerned, but still feels that there's nothing we can do. He feels my dad has to want to make the changes. I agree, but I wish there was something I could do.

My dad hasn't been maintaining his yard. I'm actually suprised he's maintaining his house. The grass was about knee high until his neighbors got tired of it and mowed the front yard for him. He thought that was funny. I guess another neighbor said they thought he might be ill or in the hospital. He thought that was funny too. My dad was telling me yesterday that he's actually considering getting new fencing and gate so a larger mower can get into his back yard. That way he can hire it done. I wouldn't have an issue with that if his reasoning wasn't so that he would have more time to go out and drink.

All he talks about is going to bars and women. He's still 'got it.' A lot of what he shares with me is inappropriate, or to much information. I don't want to know all of that! Please dad, if you're considering a threesome don't tell me!! (That was during our conversation yesterday.) I just told him to protect himself. lol He didn't seem to think that was necessary 'at his age.' Wow. So, this is what I'm dealing with.

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: swilson on June 12, 2015, 01:01:40 PM
No disrespect Virgo, your Dad sounds as though he is close to needing an intervention. Grass and weeds are bad enough but if he ends up with a nasty STD he will really have something to be depressed about.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Trying on June 12, 2015, 01:12:59 PM
Virgo it must be so hard to see your Dad acting so unhealthy and irresponsible.  Your brother is right that your Dad has to want to change but voicing your concern to him and setting some boundaries on his behavior around your family.  And Dad, enough with the over sharing!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 12, 2015, 02:22:19 PM
I spoke with my brother about taking my dad to an AA meeting, but he didn't think my dad would stay even if we managed to trick him into going. I have talked to my dad several times about his drinking. Even yesterday during our conversation I told him that instead of changing his fencing maybe he should just start making time for other things besides going out and drinking.

I agree about the STDs too, but I can't really make him use protection.

Something else my brother mentioned was that maybe my dad has lost the will to live. He just doesn't care anymore what happens to him because he misses our mom so much. I can understand that, but I know my dad wouldn't want to intentionally hurt everyone that cares about him. I just think that he alcohol has taken over. I wish that I could get other relatives to realize that instead of enabling him. When he goes out drinking he's usually with his siblings. When I talk to them I hear, "he's an adult and can make his own decisions." "He just misses your mom." "He needs the escape." I miss my mom. I miss my husband. I'm not an alcoholic. He NEEDS help.



Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: SimiRed on June 12, 2015, 07:31:11 PM
Exhausted from being exhausted. 

Yep, this is me....

I just want someone to take care of me for a change.

I wanted this too...But, now I'm scared of it.

Virgo, my FIL (late husband) did the same thing when my MIL passed away, it lasted for 2 years.  He finally came around again, it was his way of dealing with grief, I guess.  I feel bad that he lost his wife and then 19 years later lost his son, my husband. 

My vent:  I hate my life, I want a do-over...
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: nonesuch on June 14, 2015, 08:32:21 AM
Not to steer anyone away from here, but this is an excellent forum specific to the problems of alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

Just saying.  The membership is pretty good about supporting each other, enforcing boundaries,  "attack the argument, not the person" type of stuff.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  My husband was much the same...after being fired was toying with the idea of being a self-employed handyman...which he could have done, sober.  But he had no time management skills, or rather, no time management other than waiting for noontime when it would be okay to start drinking. 

My beef is with my boss.  Boss #2 is a good soul, but he is cheap beyond belief.  He's hired someone and paying him off the books to help him around the store.  He thinks he's helping the person he hired, but that person doesn't reaaallly want help.  Sketchy the employee has already used the POS system to credit his own pre-paid credit card, and Boss is keeping him on because he thinks he can get enough work out of this guy, (or have him pay Boss back out of his SSDI) to be made whole on the theft.  Sketchy is a loud, abrasive, rude, know-it-all who was making 95K after he graduated from high school but at the age of 50  has still not paid back his student loans.  ::)

I've tried to tell Boss that for what he gives Sketchy, he could pay a competent, pleasant individual to come in two days a week, get all the effort and none of the attitude.  My suggestions fall on deaf ears.  Literally, because my other beef is that he doesn't wear his hearing aide.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 14, 2015, 12:00:04 PM
Thanks for sharing the link.  I'll check it out.  I'm starting to dread talking to my dad which is awful I know.

Hopefully your boss will realize sketchy needs to go.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Grammy on June 14, 2015, 12:48:16 PM
(((Hugs))) To All.  This is really a great thread. :)  I know I need to vent. 
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: MamaZ on June 14, 2015, 03:19:45 PM
I've got two beefs at the moment:

1. I just got back from a vacation at the beach with my teens. I have better fitness and energy levels than they do, typical if we older gals take care of ourselves (and our kids are not atheletes). They wanted to do very little, yet certain activities are unsafe alone, or for a woman alone. (Surfing big wave conditions, snorkling off shore when rip may be present, etc). These kids are about to leave the nest. Remarriage seems highly unlikely. Am I to pass on the adventures in life because D died? I didn't! I am, thankfully, still healthy and alive!

2. I just want to scream a big "F--- You" to the know-it-all stay at home mom preaching that "at least she does not let someone else raise her kids" while some of us "choose" to work. WTF does she know? AzzHat!

(Thanks, that felt gooood!)
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 14, 2015, 09:42:05 PM
1. MamaZ- Maybe a friend would be interested in joining you for some of those activities? If not I'm sure there are classes or groups that you can join. I'm on the other side of the sahm vs working mom wars. Lol!  Basically, what works for one family might not work for another. Tell her to mind her own business. She's not raising your kids.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Baylee627 on June 14, 2015, 10:53:24 PM
I just want to scream a big "F--- You" to the know-it-all stay at home mom preaching that "at least she does not let someone else raise her kids" while some of us "choose" to work. WTF does she know? AzzHat!

Yup, eye roll. I'm not a parent, so I'm definitely of no repute on that subject, but I will say it gets super vexing to listen to the drivel and droning from both SAHM'S and working mothers. Both "sides" seem so imperious and touchy, and I find it plain catty and disrespectful.

Why is it up for debate how you decide (or circumstances dictate) to raise your child? How about mommas just decide to each "keep their eyes on their own paper"! And would it kill them to be gracious and support each other?

Anyway, my complaint: listening to the endless, vapid non-problems of those around me. Know your audience. If you're worried how your new poolside, outdoor kitchen and bathroom construction is going to coincide with yet another a Disney trip being planned...yeah, I'm probably not your girl.

Baylee
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 23, 2015, 01:41:35 AM
It is interesting to see how people filter their conversations around us wids. I had a friend that started to complain to me about father's day, but then changed the topic really quick. I told him it was ok to go ahead and vent away.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 23, 2015, 03:27:10 AM
Virgo, sounds to me like you have an awesome friend that hit the reset button once realizing what he was saying. That's infrequent in my world.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Trying on June 23, 2015, 06:31:26 AM
Here's where I come off sounding like a total bitch, but here goes.

I don't visit the cemetery very often though I drive by it daily.  His ashes weren't supposed to be in a cemetery but last minute he wanted it for his mom (turns out my older boys go often too so he was right).

Whenever I do go my MIL has it filled with mementos and stuff and it makes me crazy to the point I get agitated and need to leave.  On Fathers Day we had DHs 2 nephews baptized then had the family back to my house after.  My youngest and I stopped at the cemetery on the way home and there was the usual "stuff" every where plus 2 balloons.  1 was Worlds Greatest Dad. Not from my boys, but from her.  I knew this would bother them, he was their Dad, they should bring what they want.  The other was a heart shaped balloon that said I Love You with hearts all over.  Again, more appropriate from a wife than a mom. 

It took everything I had not to pop the balloons and throw them away.  It was a rage that was so out of proportion to the situation.  The rest of the day everything she said or did annoyed me and I wasn't very warm and loving.  Not real proud of myself for acting that way but my reaction was so strong and I could not get past it.

Even typing it out I feel like such a bitch.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: nonesuch on June 23, 2015, 06:53:09 AM
I got another notice from the health insurance company, or rather Late Husband did.  "Sign up for Medicare Supplemental Insurance before it's too late."

Okay, I've already called them once but what the heck.  I dialed the number on the letter.  I listened to the options and figured pressing 2 is the closest thing to "you're sending letters to a dead person."  The pre-recorded message told me to hang up, and dial the 1-800 number on the back of my membership card.  I didn't feel like digging the card out of my purse and squinting at microscopic type.  I dialed again, knowing that the odds were better this time, they're 50-50 now that I pick correctly.

Ordinarily, I have a pretty good sense of humor.  I don't know why this irked me, but it did.  A nice woman who answered told me the call may be recorded and monitored for training purposes and asked what she could do. I told her that I just got another letter asking for Jeffrey to sign up for supplemental Medicare insurance before it was too late.

"Well, it is too late.  He's dead, " I said.

She apologized profusely and put him on the "do not contact" list.

I recounted this incident to Flavor of the Month. He said, "You didn't actually say that, did you?"  Gee, after all this time, I thought he knew me.



Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: nonesuch on June 23, 2015, 07:37:50 AM
Here's where I come off sounding like a total bitch, but here goes.
Snip...


Nope, not at all.  There would be two things that would drive me bonkers about what you've described. One is just the accumulation of junk.  I'm not nasty neat, but tchotchkes  drive me nuts. I would want a grave site to look like a grave site, not a six-year-old's birthday party.

A  collection of the things left by one person would be interpreted by me as someone who thinks she's demonstrating she cares more because she's always leaving crap there. 

Kudos to you for your restraint. 
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: swilson on June 23, 2015, 09:14:19 AM
A couple of the decorators of DWs grave couldn't give her the time of day while she was alive, I just shake my head and think to myself, "You have no idea of what you missed, so go screw yourself."  >:(
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: gracelet on June 23, 2015, 05:22:56 PM
I'm pissed off at International Widows Day.  It can get to fuck, as can channels which are presenting such a one sided story to the reality for widows in the west.  I ranted in more depth in my blog.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 23, 2015, 10:29:35 PM
Virgo, sounds to me like you have an awesome friend that hit the reset button once realizing what he was saying. That's infrequent in my world.

He's awesome! I feel like I probably overshare, but I feel so comfortable sharing with him and knowing he's not judging me.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 23, 2015, 10:40:23 PM
Here's where I come off sounding like a total bitch, but here goes.

I don't visit the cemetery very often though I drive by it daily.  His ashes weren't supposed to be in a cemetery but last minute he wanted it for his mom (turns out my older boys go often too so he was right).

Whenever I do go my MIL has it filled with mementos and stuff and it makes me crazy to the point I get agitated and need to leave.  On Fathers Day we had DHs 2 nephews baptized then had the family back to my house after.  My youngest and I stopped at the cemetery on the way home and there was the usual "stuff" every where plus 2 balloons.  1 was Worlds Greatest Dad. Not from my boys, but from her.  I knew this would bother them, he was their Dad, they should bring what they want.  The other was a heart shaped balloon that said I Love You with hearts all over.  Again, more appropriate from a wife than a mom. 

It took everything I had not to pop the balloons and throw them away.  It was a rage that was so out of proportion to the situation.  The rest of the day everything she said or did annoyed me and I wasn't very warm and loving.  Not real proud of myself for acting that way but my reaction was so strong and I could not get past it.

Even typing it out I feel like such a bitch.

Not a bitch at all. Your feelings are valid. It sounds like our mil's are similiar as far as how they grieve. My mil is the type that has  a shrine in her house, and that's just not me. She has actually made comments as to how I should put up his picture with his badge and flag. He would have laughed. He wouldn't have wanted a shrine of any type either. To be honest, I decided to have a burial for my husband with my in-laws in mind. I knew it was important to them. They visit all of their deceased relatives and decorate their graves. I just try to remember that we all grieve differently. There's no right or wrong. I lost a husband, they lost their son.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 28, 2015, 09:57:39 PM
I was given gift cards for a pedi/mani, haircut/style, and a 30 minute massage for Christmas. I finally feel up to going and I notice there is an expiration date on all three of the gift cards, 6 months from the date 12/9. I'm going to call tomorrow to see if they'll make an exception.  I had no idea they had an expiration date. They were given to me by an organization called the Christmas Commandos. They surprised me and my daughters Christmas morning with a huge box of gifts. I really hope they wave the expiration date. Who wants a pedicure when it's snowing and cold outside anyway? lol
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Trying on June 28, 2015, 10:05:15 PM
It may just be a law in Connecticut but I know recently there was a law passed saying there could be no expiration dates on gift certificates.  We have been using the gift certificates my DH was given over the years for coaching different teams, some of them are 8 years old!  It's been fun feeling lime he is treating us to a dinner or lunch out.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Needytoo on June 29, 2015, 07:14:14 AM
Thanks Virgo for starting this post.  I was trying and trying not to bitch and complain about my life and be more positive but today I just have to have a little vent. 

A few weeks ago my oldest son asked me if I was lonely and at the time I couldn't answer it.  Took a few weeks to come up with my answer.

I have been working on my neglected yard and it is taking me a very long time to get things back to together.  I hired a lawn care service to help me with the weeds of the yard but basically doing everything myself.  Now working on resetting my patio stones and it is one heck of a hard job.  I finally came to the conclusion that I have to learn to do things by myself.  I wasn't counting on help from my kids but what I didn't know they would do is gang up on me.  They are saying I am wasting my time and money on doing outside work.  I want to be proud of our home, it is paid for and their was one nasty way it was paid for.  Also I might have to sell it and we all now about curb appeal.  All of this has made tension in the house a little nasty between all of us.  Sure wish my husband was around to have my back, miss that a lot. 

November my SIL passed away and I paid for her cremation because my BIL had no money and I didn't want my nephew to pay for it.    I had a feeling my BIL wouldn't ever pay me back but right now it is stinging a bit.  He has already started dating and if going away on a little vacation with her.  He was in the area but didn't call or stop by, nothing.   

Just saw on facebook my sister and brother are making plans to spend some time together.  Thanks for the invite. 

I am tired for no one caring and feeling invisible.  I can now answer my son's questions, yes I am lonely.

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on June 29, 2015, 12:00:54 PM
NeedyToo - I'm sorry you're feeling excluded and unappreciated. Not only will you landscaping work add value but it's also giving you something to focus on. I see nothing wrong with that. How old are your kids? Depending on their ages I might just share with them how you feel.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Needytoo on June 30, 2015, 07:17:27 AM
My kids are 16 and 20 years old.  I do address some of their attitudes and others I just say nothing and walk away (silent treatment, worked on me as a kid).  I am just tired of being upset all the time.  I am at the point that I am accepting my life and I am doing things to change it.  My yard was neglected I am responsible and now I am fixing it. 

But miracles do happen.  I was out last night and my kids cleaned up the basement (the basement is another constant disaster story of my life).  They actually gave up their plans and did it.  WOW I almost cried.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Bobssleepykitty on July 01, 2015, 06:43:01 PM
Bitch In Law trolled my LinkedIn page. I found out yesterday that she'd been on it, on the day just one month shy of when Bob died. I'm much more calm about it now than I was yesterday.

That's when she should be afraid. Very, very, afraid.

She fucks with me, I'll destroy her. Period.

On a side note, don't you just hate it when people make it so that you now have to have an alibi for your whereabouts now until the day either you or they die? :) Son of a BITCH!

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Baylee627 on July 01, 2015, 09:46:20 PM
Ladies who say, "mah husband," an absurd amount of times in any one conversation, emphasizing the word, husband, when she could just say his name to refer to him. It smacks of smugness, and it makes me wince.

Yes, hoocheroo, I acknowledge and applaud you successfully coaxed him down the damned aisle, so color me impressed, and STFU!

Baylee
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 02, 2015, 06:59:36 AM
Oh Baylee I couldn't agree more. I have a dear friend who says it all the time. Last week while talking on the phone I asked her to just say his name because I know he's your husband, she replied ' I like saying that'. I told her I hate it because mines gone. She went quiet on the phone and yes we are still good friends.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Carey on July 02, 2015, 07:26:20 AM
saw ortho yesterday about my knee, he said "it's wrecked".  A small "notch" was caused by the walmart cart incident, the rest is arthritis. He said I will eventually need kneecap replacement.  He wants me to go ahead and settle with walmart though because if he does surgery now he will address arthritis and then walmart might think it was a pre-existing injury.  So we will see what happens. Funny to me it has never hurt before the walmart thing but I have stage IV.. the worst ... of chondromalacia?
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Trying on July 02, 2015, 08:21:11 AM
People put an offer on my house a week ago, they said it was "the perfect house" for them, we were going back and forth, they insisted on an earlier closing date than I wanted because they wanted to enjoy the pool this summer,  I agreed even though I was stressed about getting out so quickly, then NOTHING for days, this morning they withdrew their offer, saying they didn't really like the house.

WTF??

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: DonnaP on July 02, 2015, 10:07:34 AM
Lately, I seem to get annoyed by SD very easily. She is living back at home, after being at college for the semester, but, even during the school year, she was home almost every weekend for some reason or another (laundry, dinner, or just to get away from her roommate). So, I know I am craving alone time with my new husband, but I can't exactly kick her out of the house to get it. The problem is she very rarely goes out. She prefers to stay home and either types incessantly on her laptop (online blogging etc) or watch TV, OR do whatever we happen to be doing (even as mundane as going to the grocery store), so even our little errands turn into all three of us going. Sorry - but that is a little TOO much togetherness for me.

Plus, she is a slob. Big time. Leaves her stuff everywhere. Junk dropped on the kitchen table, shoes (and socks) left on the floor in the den, Dunkin and Starbucks empty coffee cups left anywhere and everywhere, more shoes by the stairs, and don't even get me started on her ROOM. OMG. What a disaster. She decided to paint it, so she moved all sorts of stuff into the hallway, where it has sat for about a month :/

I've reminded and prompted her several times (nicely) to please put the paint stuff away. She said she would. But then never does. I'm disgusted by the fact that I can't keep my house clean with just my own mess, let alone hers. It's driving me nuts.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Donna
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 04, 2015, 01:15:22 AM
Donna, what does your husband have to say about this?


I had a horrible day today!! I was trying to work on getting the mailbox reposted. I thought before I started digging a hole for the post I should check my sprinklers so I wouldn't hit a sprinkler head. My father in-law came over to help me with the mailbox. While I was checking the sprinklers my basement was flooding with water. The sprinkler spicket in my utility room was on!!! Standing water in the utility room and seeping water in the rooms on either side. Plus water in the hallway. All but the utility room has carpet. I called professionals to extract the water and I filed a claim to my home owner's insurance. Stupid, stupid mistake!!!

Anyway,  my basement is full of dryers and dehumidifiers. They're going to leave them going until at least Monday. I just hope everything dries out and nothing has to be replaced. They came about an hour and a half after it happened. Acting quickly helps. My daughters and I were placing towels and blankets everywhere while moving stuff out of the rooms. That helped too. What a mess though!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Trying on July 04, 2015, 03:28:56 AM
Donna, 2 grown women under one roof is usually a recipe for disaster, especially when one is a self centered sloppy college age "kid".  I think you need to enlist your husband on this.  He needs to parent her and not by saying "Donna really wants you to...." Or " it really upsets when you..." he needs to tell her HIS rules for living at home and respecting the home and everyone in it.  Teens and young adults can be such unbelievably frustrating creatures!

Virgo, yikes!! Water can make such an incredible mess so quickly.  I hope your quick reaction leads to a complete clean up with minimal damage.  How incredibly stressful for you.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: nonesuch on July 04, 2015, 09:16:56 AM
.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Carey on July 06, 2015, 12:50:41 PM
my energy level is nonexistent on this medicine. It is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I was proud I made it to work today after a long weekend at the beach which was more taxing because of the medicine I'm on.  Go out to my truck at lunch and the darn thing wont crank. I still cant figure out what I may have done to cause the battery to die ... but I really just started crying little girl baby tears  because Chad wasn't here to handle it. Isn't that ridiculous? Something insanely small like that? But the heat is really draining me right now and three other vehicles and a third set of cables later when someone was finally able to help me jump it, my hair was soaked and I was so dizzy I walked into my open truck door.  grrrr.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: A Tout Jamais on July 06, 2015, 01:22:31 PM
my energy level is nonexistent on this medicine. It is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I was proud I made it to work today ... Go out to my truck at lunch and the darn thing wont crank. ... I really just started crying little girl baby tears  because Chad wasn't here to handle it. Isn't that ridiculous?


(((Carey)))

This is one of those moments for some sincere HUGS.

You've got mine!!


(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/45/5d/54/455d540929ae280531d8858d340839a1.jpg)


Best wishes for your Health and Everything else to improve soon!

ATJ (http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_at_Z3o6uK9E/R_PL7Wt-u8I/AAAAAAAAAbE/S9wZOVXWMF8/s400/emoticon-0152-heart.png)
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 06, 2015, 03:27:59 PM
I don't think it's ridiculous Carey. I flooded my basement Friday and couldn't help but cry. If Phil was here it wouldn't have happened because I wouldn't have been messing with the sprinklers. He would have, and he knew what he was doing.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: PhotoJunkie on July 06, 2015, 05:11:48 PM
Please for the love of all that is breathing, do not get into a fight with your husband, leave the house in a huff with both car seats for the littles, and putting my daughter in a position where she feels it necessary to call/text me and ask me to get the remaining adult out of the house due to bad attitudes and her feeling scared for the littles.  Seriously now.  Grow up and be adults. 

Also if I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning, please feel free to clean up after yourselves while I am at work instead of letting me come home to find all the dishes in the sink, crumbs all over the counters, living room pillows all over the floor and all the lights in the apartment are on, but you guys are no where to be found. 

Thank you very much
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: DonnaP on July 07, 2015, 01:29:48 PM
Virgo and Trying,

Husband is wonderful, but very laid back when it comes to parenting his child. She has always been a fairly good kid - doesn't get into trouble, doesn't do drugs or any of the "bad attitude" stuff. I guess he feels sloppiness is a minor character flaw. He never gets on her case about it. If I mention something privately to him, he will point out all the positives--saying things like, "at least she helps with cooking and will do her own dishes" (that because I insisted and made an issue of telling her she needed to). He then reminds me that I rarely get on the boys' cases about such things. But, since they don't actually live with me anymore, there is not much for me to complain about. And yes, perhaps I didn't get on their cases either when they lived home. Their rooms were usually messy too. Sigh. It's the age I guess.

Honestly, I think my husband still cuts his daughter a lot of slack because she lost her mother at the tender age of 15 and he wasn't there for her emotionally. He was dealing with his own despair over the loss and pretty much shut down for a period of six months. I get it.

I had a very nice weekend ALONE with my husband, so I'm feeling recharged and refortified for the moment. I hope to tackle some of the house cleanup and then just lay down strict rules about stuff being left tossed about. Wish me luck!

Donna
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Needytoo on July 09, 2015, 11:27:09 AM
Good luck Donna, keep us posted if it works for you.  Let's just say I have two slobs I live with and it isn't easy. 

Here I am again.  All the yoga and mediation and I still need to vent. 

I am a believer of volunteering and I volunteer as much as possible.  I will admit now that my life has changed I am also looking to find new friends.  So far I haven't found a friend but have met a lot of new people. 

I while back I started to help with a church support group.  I am not a member of the church but do believe any support you can give someone who lost a love one is the correct thing to do. I call elderly members once a month to make sure they are alright.  Took a long time for them to even answer the phone since I assume they didn't recognize my phone number.  The monthly meetings have stopped for the summer months but the secretary of the church asked if I could go out to lunch with a few members that need some support. I agreed.  There were eight of us, and we started talking about all the outside chores we have to do.  One of the lady's said her parents come down for 2 weeks each year to help her, this lady knows my SIL (SIL is only local relative but can't say she has given any support to us).  She makes a comment that I must be so lucky that Angela is my SIL since she is such a giving person.  I didn't want to make a comment and tried to focus on the other people but another  lady comes out and says oh no Jen hasn't had any help from anyone isn't that horrible.  Isn't that just great. The look everyone gave me maybe me feel so useless and I felt ashamed  Yes, world no one gives a dam about my kids and I.    That night I get a phone call from my SIL and she told me I need to keep my mouth shut and that I am strong and that I don't need any help.  Well not sure who I am more upset with, the lady who must have called my SIL, the lady who opened her mouth regarding my situation or my SIL is so thick in the head.  Not sure what to do with all of this except maybe quitting the group.  Everything in group suppose to be confidential but guess it is not.  Guess technically I shouldn't be talking about it. 

I also volunteer with my son's football league, I help with the junior and senior games selling tickets and other things.  This year a few new parents have volunteered.  Last game I had to listen to them brag and brag about their husbands.  One of the volunteers who organizes the volunteers last game just kept taking off.  Usually we take turns at the gate so at least you can see some of the game.  This weekend I have a meeting with my husband's family corporation and I just don't want to volunteer for this weekend.  The volunteer organizer called me and was begging for me to help I told her I couldn't because of this meeting I had to go to.  She remarked that she never sees my husband at he game maybe he could volunteer.  I told her that wasn't possible, and then she went off about this and that.  I said the meeting is regarding my husband estate.  She then went on about that he should deal with his own estate issues.  I finally said it, he is dead.  Then the silence hit. 

I have no idea what to do except just keep moving on.  Thanks for listening to my vent. 

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Trying on July 09, 2015, 11:57:34 AM
Needytoo that church woman needs a reminder that things brought up in group, even if it's at lunch and not an official meeting, need to stay private or no one will feel comfortable sharing. That must have been very uncomfortable for you to get that call from your SIL!

As for the volunteer parents, people need to learn that there are many different family situations and never assume anything!  Would it have hurt to ask politely if your child's father was available to volunteer? You could be divorced, he could be disabled, he could be out of country in the military or he could be dead!  Why jump to him being an uninvolved Dad?

Sometimes people suck.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 09, 2015, 06:41:19 PM
Good luck Donna!

Needytoo, I would have told SIL that the truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to. She was upset because she knows she hasn't been there for you. That's on her, not you.

My little vent for today is my stupid wheat allergy!!!! I'm trying to make Oreo truffles for a 4th of July party we're going to Saturday. I made 70, so I hope that's enough. My eyes, ears, and nose are itchy. I tried wearing a mask, but that didn't really help. When I make them for family I use wheat/gluten free sandwich cookies. They're more expensive though. Well, lesson learned. Either make them wheat/gluten free cookies or have my daughters make them with Oreos next time.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: canadiangirl on July 09, 2015, 09:07:19 PM
Sorry NeedyToo, sounds like your very admirable volunteering efforts have gone off the rails due to insensitive gaffes by other people.  That truly sucks about your SIL.

As for the volunteer parents, people need to learn that there are many different family situations and never assume anything!

^^ Totally agree to this.  My child's soccer league administrator sent out a shrill message this week about parents running errands during practices/games, admonishing us to never leave and laying the guilt on thick about how if a parent is not there, the child "may look to where you at to see if you saw that wonderful goal s/he made or even just to see if you're there.  When s/he doesn't see you s/he may get nervous. Heaven forbid s/he is hurt while you are gone and needs his/her mum or dad to kiss the bobo.  A player went into uncontrollable hysterics when she looked and realized her parent wasn't there and it took many parents to pacify her. It wasn't a serious situation but none the less, serious in that lil' person's mind.  Please do not leave your children at the field."   

Whether or not one agrees with this policy (I don't), I hate the assumptions in this message.  I hate the guilt trip for those of us who might have to go get milk during the practice (after telling the child and making arrangements with other parents of course).   We gotta eat.  Some of us don't have the luxury of time to spare.  It's already hard being surrounded by intact families - I don't need random soccer admin to interfere in family life.  My vent for the day -thanks Virgo!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Needytoo on July 10, 2015, 08:59:24 AM
You guys are the best.  As far as the church group I will be mentioning this to the church secretary when she gets back from church and let her handle it.  Right now I am still unsure if I want to continue, I want to support people and I passed wanting anyone's pity if you know what I mean. 

As far as the football, I will keep on volunteering when I can.  This is the first time in three years where I can't help on game day so I have nothing to feel guilty about. 

Just wish these life events didn't cause me anxiety. 
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: JeanGenie on July 11, 2015, 07:45:03 AM
Donna, glad to hear you had a good weekend... Good luck with the house cleanup and getting everyone to keep it that way.  One of the benefits of unfortunately living alone...if there's a mess, no one to blame but myself.

NeedyToo, you are right...you should have nothing to feel guilty about and I don't particular care for people who try to make you feel guilty because you can't volunteer on one day.

Now for my little vent that I just need to get out in a "safe" place...  I'm just tired of investing so much time in maintaining new friendships and it not being reciprocated.  My LH was my best friend and over these 2 years I've learned I need this circle of new friends I'm forming because otherwise I have no one.  And I've met and made some good friends and we've had some good times and laughter together.  But sometimes I feel so forgotten and that the only reason these friendships are being maintained is because I'm constantly reaching out and initiating conversations and things to do or just checking in with them.  And I know this is how you maintain friendships, but it would be nice once in a while if someone reached out to me, asked how I'm doing, asked me about getting together.  But that doesn't happen and then I question whether I really matter at all to these people, are they really my friend?  And I think I'm a good friend and not stifling because when we do talk or get together, we have a great time.  But I'm just mad (and sad) that I seem to invest and value these friendships more than they do and then I get pissed at myself for placing so much value in these relationships.  And if DH was still here I wouldn't have to be dealing with this at all so now I'm pissed at him too!  And it's a beautiful sunny morning and why can't I just be happy and content?  Life just used to be so much simpler...  And I just needed a safe place to get this off my chest...
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Captains wife on July 11, 2015, 07:03:31 PM
Ok - vent for the day. Can I just say, I am tired of saying I am tired...but I am tired, dog tired. Just so much to do all the time and my TO DO list is never complete. Part of this is my fault but sometimes I just want it to stop so I can relax for a prolonged period.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 12, 2015, 12:08:18 AM
I can relate to the never ending to-do list. It's overwhelming! I sometimes grumble about 'doing it all by myself' in front of my daughters and then I feel like a terrible mom. Mom guilt.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Needytoo on July 13, 2015, 06:53:06 PM
JeanGenie I understand how you are feeling.  I was always the one that was calling other people to do this or that, very rarely did they ever call me.  I guess now I put a range on my friendship level from acquaintance to very good friend.  It has taken me awhile but I would say now I have four friends that I can talk to about anything and visa versa.  I honestly can't say that there was any friend from before that I could totally open up to.  Maybe you are a little like me, time to find new friends.  Big hug to you. 

Well this really guess doesn't run into the vent category but I don't know where else to put it.  Because of this big family meeting I spent a lot of time with my BIL and two SIL.  My SIL Angela (my huge pain in my side) has a son who is twenty and has severe social anxiety.  He just stays in his room for the last 5 years, he is now 20 years old.  I am worried he is going to commit suicide.   I  know this has been a huge stress on the family.  I know Angela and her husband Frank have almost divorced over this.  I am not sure how to say this nicely so I just have to come out and say it, Angela has been insane whenever I see her she stress me out.  This weekend Angela told us her son is transgender and she is also thinking she is gay as well.  Wow, didn't see that one coming.  And now my BIL Frank is texting me a lot.  I assume he is just so lonely and is just reaching out but yikes, seriously not sure it should be with me. 

I find right now I can't even talk about this with one of my friends since it is such a sensitive subject. 
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 13, 2015, 08:21:04 PM
Needytoo-I hope their son is seeing a therapist so he can sort through these feelings and changes. That would be a difficult family situation.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Baylee627 on July 13, 2015, 11:14:55 PM
I swear I'm going to erupt in a maelstrom of curse words and bird-flippin' the next time someone admonishes me to "get hopeful," "move forward," or has the temerity to breezily advise me, "it's gonna get better."

These lil gems are usually spouted off flippantly or texted from a family member or friend who happens to be about to snuggle up and watch a movie with her husband, or is about to start dinner for her family (fully respirating hubby included).

Me: "I bet if we switched lives for a week I know who'd be begging for her life back first!"

Them: stuttering, backtracking, "uh, uh, well, I, uh, uh."

Me: "damn straight!"


Baylee



Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 14, 2015, 01:16:39 AM
I would say, "You just don't understand, and I hope you never have to." Hugs Baylee!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Needytoo on July 14, 2015, 06:32:41 AM
Hugs to you Baylee. I just don't share any feelings with those kind of people.  I have no idea if this is the correct thing to do or not but I find I have to protect my heart.  Sorry for my ramble not sure if it made any sense at all. 

Third day of not sleeping.  Guess this stuff with my nephew has sent me for a spin. Far as I can see my nephew hasn't had any success with treatment.  Angela did say they tried some kind of treatment to change his attitude of being a transgender.  I have no idea what is involved in that.  I personally think my nephew needs to live away from his parents.  Learn to function as a human without having the helicopter annoying mother around.  I am not sure if there is places where he can do this.  Today my nephew is being seen by a specialist to see if he is a candidate for the surgery.  I just pray she suggests some kind of treatment for his severe anxiety and agoraphobia first.  Still receiving text messages from my brother in law, I understand being lonely in the mist of disaster but just not sure if I want to get involved.  What a mess. 
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: JeanGenie on July 14, 2015, 07:18:16 AM
NeedyToo, Thanks for your advise re: friendships.  There are the few who I've met "after" that I feel the closest with, where there's give and take, where it's not just a one-way street, where they actually seem to care about me and I can be myself...we can laugh together, can cry, and just "be".  You're right...I need to not expect the same from everyone and that there is a range.  Just something I never had to think about before when my LH was my best friend.

I'm sorry you're dealing with your family situation.  Like you really need to be pulled into that and that you are the one your BIL is reaching out to.  No wonder you're not sleeping and that just adds to the angst as well.

Baylee, I hear ya!  More of the DGIs.  Just want to slap them when they say stupid things like that.  I do think of all kinds of good, sarcastic come backs after the fact, just never in the moment!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: DonnaP on July 14, 2015, 08:13:23 AM
Last night, while I was making dinner, SD made a comment that I found obnoxious. I was cooking a recipe called Pork with Spicy Noodles and Napa Cabbage. The whole reason I was making the recipe was to use the cabbage, which I got in my farmshare the week before. At any rate, she was assisting me for a moment, stirring the pork while it browned, and I was unstacking the dishwasher. Then, we added the cabbage and she continued to stir, then said: "it's a shame to ruin all this good meat with this green leafy stuff."

Now, granted, she was being sarcastic. But still, like in all humorous comments, there is a grain of truth to it, which is what makes it funny. So, she said it to be funny, not to be insulting. Still, I found it rude, since I had basically just put in all this effort to prepare dinner and THAT was the only comment she could offer?

I can't remember my exact reply, but it was obvious from my tone that I wasn't amused. Both she and her father tried to defend the comment by saying: "it was supposed to be funny." Well, ok, but not everyone perceives these things the same way.

Then, I tried to let it go by saying: "ok, I guess it was a little funny." At that point, she put down the spatula she was stirring the food with and pretty much stormed up to her room, where she stayed for the next few hours. I'm not sure why that last comment was the one that sent her off in a huff, but it was a tense night.

I did not speak to her this morning as she was still asleep when I left for work. Not sure what the best way to handle this is.

a) ignore it
b) try to politely tell her that her behavior was inappropriate
c) assume some of the blame by saying I could have reacted differently

Thoughts?????

Donna
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: DonnaP on July 14, 2015, 09:06:40 AM
JeansGenie,

I can totally relate to your friendship thread. Friends can be so fickle, can't they? I have friends who I literally never hear from unless I initiate the contact! It should be a mutual thing. I've started some new friendships as well. I just chalk it up to the fact that I am more of a natural organizer of things, whereas many (most?) people prefer to just sit on their asses and let other people make the plans. Sorry - I'm in a crappy mood today. But that's the way I feel sometimes.

Fortunately for me, I have three sisters and a wonderful sister-in-law (my brother's wife - NOT the psycho bitch who is Mick's sister and who has written us off because she can't deal with the loss and the fact that I didn't crawl into a hole to wither away). I can call my sisters or any of my eight nieces anytime I feel like doing something. I also maintain a friendship with someone I've known since high school. She is busy too, but WILL take the time to reach out and make sure we see each other at least once a year. I know that isn't all that often, but since we are both busy with our own lives, it's the best we can manage, and it's great when we DO get together.

CaptainsWife,
As far as the tiredness goes, just try to take good care of yourself. Be sure to eat right and try to get plenty of sleep. I know... easier said than done. I also can relate to the never-ending to-do list. Been there! Hang in there, kid! This too shall pass.

HUGS to everyone who needs to vent today!
Donna
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 14, 2015, 11:52:34 AM
I finally work up the courage to schedule an appointment with the admissions office at Indiana Iniversity and they don't offer my desired major.  I guess I'll have to look at other colleges or change my major.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: JeanGenie on July 14, 2015, 07:01:14 PM
I did not speak to her this morning as she was still asleep when I left for work. Not sure what the best way to handle this is.

a) ignore it
b) try to politely tell her that her behavior was inappropriate
c) assume some of the blame by saying I could have reacted differently


Hmm, Donna...Not sure.  I'd probably pick a) or c) and if I picked c) maybe b) could be worked into the conversation!  (How is that for a non-answer?)  I've been known to use the occasional sarcasm and there were years when it ran rampant in our house.  But I've learned that there is a breaking point where too much sarcasm crosses the line or you've pushed the person too far.  So I'm careful now (hopefully) to limit the amount of sarcasm because there does come a point when it's not funny anymore.  But I'm an adult and it took me a while to learn that (and am still learning).  So you were sensitive to her sarcasm and couldn't laugh it off (and it didn't help that husband thought you were being too uptight too) and I'm guessing even though you tried to respond in a way to laugh along, it probably wasn't received as you intended since your frustration was already shown by then.  Hopefully by the time you got home today, it has all blown over.

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: hachi on July 15, 2015, 07:48:34 AM

a) ignore it
b) try to politely tell her that her behavior was inappropriate
c) assume some of the blame by saying I could have reacted differently

Thoughts?????

My thought, for what it's worth...

Sometimes, it is more about how people make us feel. You know your underlying relationship better than everyone else. If she was truly just trying to be funny, then you over-reacted, because you were feeling unappreciated. Obviously your reply touched a nerve with her and she went storming off, so you both seem to know how to push each others buttons.

But if deep down, there was a little dig going on, then no, you didn't over react, and the fact that she went storming off meant that she got it. I wouldn't pursue it any further.

Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Virgo on July 15, 2015, 10:30:33 PM
Mostly outdoor cat peed on my living room area rug today! !! I'm going to buy special pet urine cleaner tomorrow. If it doesn't get the smell out I will be buying another area rug. Unnecessary aggravation! !
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Needytoo on July 16, 2015, 06:47:16 AM
DonnaP I think I would go with a), my kids often have that tone in their voice that just pushes my buttons................well you know what I mean. 

Bad Kitty Virgo. 

Finally talked to some of my widow friends who know the whole story with my SIL.  They told me not to get involved.  Old me always went out of my way to help people but as many of us know it sure is a slap in the face when your the one that needs some support and there is no one that gives it back.  I know it sounds cruel but I just can't forgive family/friends who did nothing to help us.  I am just not comfortable coming out and saying "sorry your life sucks so bad but since you didn't show any sympathy or compassion to my sons and I, I will do the same to you".  Slept a little better last night. 
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: ieh21 on July 16, 2015, 11:35:26 AM
Oh my lord, my mother drives me insane.

In February, I booked all my summer trips. One week in Maine, a weekend camping in Ontario. Both are with very good friends and specially the camping is very nice because it's an activity that DH would have loved for us to do and we go with a big group of friends who live far so we rarely see them.

Come July, my mom's family decides to organise a get-together. My mom knows the dates for the Maine trip so she informs her brother that I can't be there those dates, could he possibly organise it around my availabilities. He says yes, and they decide a date. She informs me of this and I announce that it unfortunately falls on the date of my camping trip. She flips and tells me I have too many restrictions and she's too embarrassed to talk to her brother because I'm being so inconsiderate.

I take matters into my own hands, email him and explain the situation. I also suggest could we do it earlier in August? Could we do it early September? Call me and we can talk about what's possible and what's not. Instead, he calls my mother. and tells her that it's really unfortunate, but seeing as my month of August is so booked, he's going to have to organise it on a day on which I am not available.

so I start to get emails about how I don't appreciate her (my) family, how family is here to stay but friends can be fleeting. How she can sort of understand that the Maine trip is not cancellable (we rented and paid for a house!) but really, the camping trip should be cancelled since who cares about that if it means giving up seeing my family. That clearly I have made my choice in the case of family vs friends and I am a disappointment in that respect and tough luck for me, but it's really sad that my children will not get this opportunity to see their extended family.

In the end, I call my uncle, we figure out a solution that works best for everyone, which is to say, I will drive from Maine to his place (not my preference, but sure), sleep there and drive home the next day. I announce this to my mom and let her know that she was wrong to jump to conclusions and infer so much about my feelings toward my family from this (very easily solvable) situation.

Her answer? "yes I jumped to conclusions, but it was all based on what I am observing". Jeez Louise, so facts and reality have no basis at all? TALKING to me and asking me had no place, we're just going to make assumptions and leave it at that?

My mom is a very generous, funny person, but man, when she gets in this irrational "you are in the wrong and nothing you can tell me will change my mind" mode, I can't stand her. And also, what is it about being an adult that doesn't seem to mean that uncles and aunts will call you directly, but still deal with you through your parents? I mean, she's not my keeper or my social secretary, deal with ME directly if you want to organise something with me! Is that just my family? And lastly, sure, her family drove two hours to come to my DH's funeral, but have mostly limited their support for the past five years to Facebook posts and a few emails. Versus my friends, including the far away ones, who are a lot more present in my life, have been a lot more helpful in this difficult time, over years even. I don't really expect more from my family, we aren't super close and I am very happy with our relationship. They are very important to me, a feeling I developed quite independently, since my mother herself never put much emphasis on them when I was growing up.

Thank you for the vent!
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: canadiangirl on July 16, 2015, 02:30:12 PM
With you, ieh21.  I do get this dynamic, and lord I hate guilt trips.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: AubreeAnn on June 05, 2016, 11:40:07 PM
Vent Post

• I'm so incredibly annoyed at the people who came out of the woodworks when my love passed. Who are you people? My love NEVER spoke your name once to me but here you are bragging about the relationship that you think you had and all these memories. Don't exaggerate, don't try to get your foot in the grief door for pity. You say these things but where are you now? You're fine and the "special bond" you felt that you had seemingly disappeared. I felt so disrespected by the people who only tried to validate a relationship with him after he was gone. Especially the bitch of an ex that he hated to his core. She had a post about him and referred to their relationship a lot and described him in ways that he wasn't. Like his personality and actions. That wasn't him and there she was, talking about him as if they were still together and close. UGH I can hardly stand the thought that these people think that they have experienced a loss so important to them, when I know that they had little to no relationship with my love. They aren't trying to figure out how to live. They aren't writhing in pain every second of the day. They don't have anything missing from their life. They aren't hurt. But I am. I'm the one who has lost life, his and my own. I'm the one suffering.

•Sorry if that seemed harsh but that's what this thread is for right? That felt good.
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: Wheelerswife on June 05, 2016, 11:59:59 PM
AubreeAnn...vent away, sister!  There aren't many places in our lives where we can vent honestly. 

As far as these people who knew your love....they really don't understand your level of loss and they can't if they haven't experienced the death of their beloved.  Each of them believes what they do...and in particular that ex-girlfriend.  People create their own version of reality, and whether or not it reflects the true relationship is a different story.  You knew your love best and you knew his feelings toward her.  She was an ex for a reason, I assume.  You were the person he was with when he died.  You were the person he loved.  Just remember that.

We understand your suffering.  That's the beauty of this place.  You can vent here and people will listen and you will be heard, even if you don't find this understanding in your real life.

Hugs,

Maureen
Title: Re: Say it here! ***vent away***
Post by: AubreeAnn on June 06, 2016, 05:49:33 AM
Thank you Maureen. You're right and I'm so blessed to have known his love. I'm thankful that there is a place where we can vent