Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 11:43:46 AM

Title: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 11:43:46 AM
  I am a relatively new widow, having lost my beloved just nine weeks ago.

My husband of 27 years, my best friend for 38 years, passed in his sleep during the early hours of January 3.  When I awoke, he was gone.

While Lee had a long list of health issues that go as far back as 1993, he was stable.  Losing him at 51 was a complete shock.

I had last spoke to him, by phone, the afternoon before, and I am so grateful that we always told each other we loved one another before we hung up.  It was my last conversation with him.

Upon arriving home a few hours later, I found him sleeping on the living room couch.  He would arouse and then go right back to sleep.  This was nothing out of the ordinary, due to all the medication he was on.  I sat up with him until 3:00 a.m., before going to bed.  He never did join me.  Instead, his tired heart simply stopped beating.

When I found him, I didn't want him to go without me, and I found myself having an out-of-body experience.  I was looking down on both of us, Lee on the sofa and me kneeling on the floor next to him with my arms wrapped around him.  But, just as I had no control over leaving my body, I didn't have any control over coming back.

After telling our only child, our 23-year-old son who described his father as his best friend, the pain was even more gut-wrenching as I watched him grieve.

The first month is a blur, and I found that I no longer had any dreams when I managed to get any sleep at night.  I had no dreams that I could recall for six weeks.  Now when I awake, my heart is filled with crazy, disjointed dreams, where I am either looking for him or beginning a new life without him that scares me.

I don't know if this is a typical response, but I feel as though I haven't had enough time to grieve.  My husband was my sole source of financial support, as I, too, have health issues and I spent my time taking care of him and my elderly mother.  Lee did not have life insurance either.  I became a task-oriented robot, focused on the business of survival.

At nine weeks out, the shock is starting to wear off and when waves of deep sorrow, pain and fear set in, I stuff it somewhere else.  I am afraid to cry anymore, because I have fibromyalgia and crying simply exacerbates my symptoms of pain, fatigue and what we call fibro fog.  It's like widow brain.  Having both is simply too much of a challenge, especially since I still have family members who depend on me.

As Valentine's Day approached, I decided to devote my time to buy gifts, or give gifts of labor, to all those in my inner circle.  It was helpful for me to get out of my own head and focus on someone else, a trick I learned when going to nursing school.

I then decided to post the story of my Valentine's Day adventure on my blog, which focuses on the gifts of adversity, and much to my delight, it was well received.

I am looking forward to getting to know everyone here, and I hope to be able to contribute something positive for all.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Justin on March 10, 2015, 12:06:51 PM

Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry that you had to look for us, but glad that you found us. My wife also died in her sleep in our home. Like your Lee, my wife Marsha had some health issues; nothing terminal, or so we thought.

I think your approaches to dealing with your grief sound like excellent ideas, given that crying is so hard on your body. I find that st just over 8 months, I don't cry everyday anymore but tears well-up most days for just a little while. Stick with your writing - it has been extremely therapeutic for my 16yo daughter.

Take care,

Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 12:17:07 PM
Thanks for the warm welcome and words of wisdom, Jason.  I so appreciate it.

Yes, my writing has helped me a great deal.  I express myself better in the written word than the spoken word, so it works very well for me.  I am so glad your daughter found that it works for her, too.

God Bless you both.  You will be in my prayers.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Jen on March 10, 2015, 12:18:04 PM
I am *so* glad you finally made it here! (((((HUGS)))))) For me, writing was the best therapy for the first nine months... since then, I've found that my words seem to have largely dried up. I'm all right with that for now. I think they'll come back eventually.

Be gentle with yourself, and write as much as you like here. We get it.

more hugs,

Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 12:27:43 PM
Hi Jen,  Thanks so much for your lovely reply.  It's good to finally be here.

I've been writing since I could put pen to paper, but it's only been my chosen profession during the last four years. (Emphasis on "profession" - I'm still a starving artist.)

I'll probably end up being a fairly active poster.  Certainly seeing your smiling face and feeling the warmth of your heart made my first day easier.

Blessings to you.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Jen on March 10, 2015, 12:40:40 PM
I expect you're one of my tribe. :) Somewhere I still have the first story I ever wrote-- in pencil, in wide-ruled paper-- in second grade. It was about pirates. I've been writing ever since, and I don't know where I'd be without my words. It's been a wrench to find them... less than obliging of late, but I keep telling myself I'll find them again.

Post and post and post some more! It's what's gotten me through. That, and lots of virtual (((hugs)))  :)
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 12:52:51 PM
Yes, Jen, I too am part of the writing tribe!  As a non-fiction writer, I started with pen pals in grade school.  Later, I would help my friends write their high school essays.  In fact, one of my besties just reminded me of that recently.

My writing has continued without a huge gap since Lee passed, in part for therapeutic reasons and in part because I have a blog to keep going and a book to promote.

I've always admired fiction writers like yourself - It takes an incredible talent and imagination.  I simply write what I know, which is overcoming adversity and finding the blessings in it.

As a former nurse, I used to heal with my hands.  Now, I try to heal with my words.

((((Jen)))) - Back to you!

Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Jen on March 10, 2015, 12:57:23 PM
(((Rebecca))) Are we related? Lol!! I'm a nurse too! Seriously... I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm really glad to meet you. :)
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: swilson on March 10, 2015, 03:33:53 PM
Hi Bluemoon15, I'm sorry you and your son have suffered the loss of your husband. None of us chose this new phase of life but we can lift one another up for comfort, understanding and hopefully some healing along this painful path.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: singinmomo4 on March 10, 2015, 04:29:01 PM
Bluemoon, I'm glad you found your way here.  There is a lot of love and support in this place.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through and continue to go through.  Health issues on top of grieving?  I just can't imagine. 

Just know that we are here to listen anytime you need us.  ((((HUGS))))
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Jess on March 10, 2015, 09:47:17 PM
Bluemoon15, I am so glad you found us but am so sorry that you had to. As far as a typical response to such a devastating loss, there is no such thing, but plenty of people have shared the same feelings and thoughts you are having, myself included. Our losses are all unique and so is our grief. It is so hard when the shock starts to wear off. I think at 7.5 months outs, I am still shedding layers of it and processing the emotions as they come.

I am wishing you much peace and comfort.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: lcoxwell on March 10, 2015, 11:03:04 PM
Welcome!  I am so very sorry for your loss, and that you have had to join us.  This group of people have been my lifeline and have given me so much support and strength.  I hope that being here among these wonderful people will be as healing for you, as it has been for me.  In my early days, some of the best advice given to me was to be gentle with myself, to eat when I could, to drink plenty of water, and to just breathe.  I thought the breathing part was ridiculous advice, at first, but at one year out today, that has become some of the most valuable advice anyone has given me.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 11:40:24 PM
 :) :) :) :) Thank you all for such a warm welcome!  :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on March 11, 2015, 05:40:48 AM
Welcome Bluemoon and so sorry you had to join us.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: gracelet on March 11, 2015, 07:01:02 AM
Hi Bluemoon15,

I'm Grace.  Welcome to our little community.  I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you'll find this board of help and comfort.

I write too, although not yet as a profession.  When the book deal offer comes and I have some guaranteed income then I might consider it more seriously!  I have a widow blog if you want to check it out.  As a relatively new widow, you might think it's totally utter bonkers, but it's there for your amusement should you wish to see how things DO get better!

Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 11, 2015, 11:05:39 AM
Thanks for the warm welcome, BrokenHeart2 and gracelet!  Everyone here has been so loving and supportive, and I hope to make a lot of new friends.

gracelet, thank you for posting the link to your blog.  I will definitely take a look at it.  I find writing to be some of the best therapy in the world, and I am looking forward to reading posts by a fellow wid.  On Valentine's Day, I wrote a post about what it is like for wids to get through the day and what I chose to do to fill the aching hole in my heart.  However, since my readers come from all different life experiences, I expanded on the idea by including those who have divorced or simply ended their relationships.  It was well received, and since my blog deals with the blessings of adversity, it certainly was appropriate.

If anyone would like to read it, just message me and I'll send you the link.

Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: AndysWife on March 13, 2015, 08:55:08 AM
Hi - and welcome :)

Writing is excellent and you write well. This group is a wonderful source of information and ideas and also a shoulder when you need one. I don't post much (despite my name being everywhere at the moment - I just wanted to help make the board look a bit more active for the newbies) but I did in the beginning and I can't imagine where I would be now if I hadn't found this forum. I wish you well over the coming weeks and months and special thoughts to you at the loss of your dear husband.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 13, 2015, 08:55:38 PM
Thank you so much, Andy'sWife.

Do you ever see a post and say to yourself, "I should reply to that, because I am so there," but then you feel so depressed that you end up saying, "Maybe later."  I am feeling that way right now, which isn't like me at all.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Jen on March 13, 2015, 09:13:59 PM

Do you ever see a post and say to yourself, "I should reply to that, because I am so there," but then you feel so depressed that you end up saying, "Maybe later."  I am feeling that way right now, which isn't like me at all.

<raises hand> Guilty. Just don't have it in me right now, but I promise I read it all and send tons of virtual hugs. :-/
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: AndysWife on March 13, 2015, 11:03:51 PM
Bluemoon15 - all the time. Mostly I just feel like I don't have anything to offer other to let them know I've read their post. It would be so much easier if we had a like button.
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: tmppgh2015 on March 14, 2015, 04:23:14 PM
I'm so sorry you had to find this group! I am a little over a year out and feel a little less robot like. You need to just remember your stronger then you think!!!
Title: Re: Hi Everyone,
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 14, 2015, 11:06:07 PM
Thanks, all.