Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: HvnBound on March 10, 2015, 02:51:00 PM

Title: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: HvnBound on March 10, 2015, 02:51:00 PM
I started this thread on June 27, 2012 because just_me_1963 suggested it. In the beginning it was huge just to get out of bed so I wanted us newbies to have some place to put down what things we did to help others...

My post from that date -
Last night, before America's Got Talent, I went to the grocery store and bought eggs and sausage links - my husband's favorites - and for the first time since Thursday, May 3, cooked his favorites, three sausage links and three fried eggs and - ate them.

This morning, I brushed my hair, put on a headband, washed two loads of laundry, changed into clean clothes, made a sandwich of ham, cheese and mustard, ate it, went to a friend's house to help her out.

For those of you that this will help - please type in your accomplishments because I am struggling. I will need to hear of what you did. It will give me strength. I am all alone except for this wonderful widow who lost her husband almost 13 years ago.

Like someone told me - it does not matter if it is minor it is still an accomplishment. Be proud of what you did, no matter if it does not mean much to you - it will help someone else out.

Thanks to you all.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: HvnBound on March 10, 2015, 06:15:37 PM
There probably is no longer a use for this thread since there is another one for a daily/weekly goals....so with the old board, we can just let this thread die.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Jen on March 10, 2015, 08:22:32 PM
I respectfully disagree! Goals are great, but they're not the same as accomplishments. We need a place to pat ourselves and each other on the back for the little victories-- I posted here when I was proud of myself for not melting down and becoming completely dysfunctional when I blew out a tire. Baby steps. I see a need for this thread, so can we please leave it?
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: lcoxwell on March 10, 2015, 10:34:57 PM
I agree with Jen, and in honor of this accomplishment thread, let me be the first to list my accomplishments for today.  Today was the one year anniversary of my Kenneth's death.  I went to work, I managed not to cry in front of my students, I went by his grave, I fed the dogs, and I cooked dinner for "the boy" (who is now 19, but will be forever dubbed "the boy", because that's what Kenneth always called him).  I also managed to put on clean clothes this morning, to comb my hair, and to brush my teeth.  Go me!   ;D
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: HvnBound on March 10, 2015, 10:58:08 PM
Geez ladies, I had no idea that it still might help so never mind then. It makes me happy that it will live on to help others. Thank you.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 11, 2015, 11:17:40 AM
I, for one, am absolutely thrilled that you decided to leave this post up!  I have been taking baby steps of another kind since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and an exacerbation of my valvular heart disease from childhood 12 years ago.  Now I must fight a two fronted war in the accomplishments theatre, health issues and this devastating, gut wrenching, lost land of widowhood.  Getting up in the morning IS an accomplishment, as is everything after that, whether it's getting dressed, household chores, doing our jobs, etc., even if we DON'T get through the day without crying!  No crying?  Bonus points!

If it's not health issues, it's yet another debilitating reason that is thrown in the mix.  Some people have young children, some are in the sandwich generation caring for an elderly parent, and I'm sure there are many more scenarios I haven't thought of yet.

I agree with Jen!  We must support each other's accomplishments, every little baby step!
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Jen on March 11, 2015, 01:38:18 PM
I dug through countless boxes of assorted crap, which I had hauled to the new house in January, stuck in the attic or garage, and didn't plan to look at again in the foreseeable future, and found my marriage license, my passport, and my kids' birth certificates. Along the way I found a bunch of stuff that would have sent me into total meltdown a few weeks back, but I soldiered through and even smiled at some of it. :)
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: sdarrah1130 on March 12, 2015, 03:47:22 PM
14 days since E passed away.

Last night I baked chicken for dinner.

Today I actually went into the office for a half day. 

Sandy - E's wife
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Jess on March 12, 2015, 08:42:22 PM
14 days since E passed away.

Last night I baked chicken for dinner.

Today I actually went into the office for a half day. 

Sandy - E's wife

Sandy, not even joking, at 14 days those things are huge. I still couldn't eat solid food at 14 days out, much less consider cooking anything. I didn't return to work until I was about 25 days out and even then it was partial days from home. Remember, there is no right or wrong timetable. Do what you feel ready for when you feel ready for it and give yourself permission to act on the feeling that you are not ready for something should you ever feel it.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: keeptrying on March 13, 2015, 06:41:23 PM
I got most kids in bed for the past two nights! Some nights I have all 6, and me being pregnant, there is no room. A lot of nights I have only 4, all nights I have 3. Past two nights I only have one in bed with me. Four months I have literally not had more than an hour of consistent sleep. - I am down to one kid in bed! To me, that is huge! I am hoping it lasts. - My next huge goal is going back to the original rule of no eating in the living room.. I really screwed up on that one. Just didn't seem worth the fight. If I can get this sleeping in your bed down for most kids.. Call me butter baby, cause I am on a roll!!!!
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: mixelated on March 19, 2015, 06:48:40 PM
Today makes 3 months. It's one of those days I'm glad I'm a freelancer and work from home, because I can't imagine crying every five minutes in an office. Or working while blubbering.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: mixelated on March 19, 2015, 07:01:47 PM
Keeptrying: ((((((HUGS))))) I can't imagine how you are run off your feet. If the kiddos feel safe enough to sleep on their own, I'd say that's a good development. I will be thinking of you tonight and hoping for a sense of security for you all.

Sandy: ((((((HUGS)))))) Good job...! I don't think I cooked anything for six weeks. Of course, I wasn't really eating anything either. When I did, I was nibbling on something my husband had cooked and put up or frozen, and crying the whole time.
Can't say I'm exactly cooking now - maybe once a week. I miss his cooking so much - he was a great cook. When I can do it without breaking down I'll put together all his recipes.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: lcoxwell on March 19, 2015, 07:10:49 PM
I had a very stressful situation arise at work, today.  One that, in earlier months, would have driven me to tears or caused a panic attack.  While it upset me, and I am still worried about how I am going to get the situation resolved, I managed to take deep breaths and carry on with my teaching for the remainder of the day, without falling completely apart and without having to take medication for anxiety.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: sdarrah1130 on March 21, 2015, 01:12:01 PM
I cleaned my bathroom today.

Last week the attempt put me in a tailspin.  I kept reminding myself today that  I'm not washing him away and I will put things back where they belong.

Sandy -E's wife
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Grammy on March 21, 2015, 06:04:03 PM
The used to be Little things are now significant accomplishments.  I can use this thread right now.  So today I went grocery shopping and ran into my oldest sons ex-in-laws.  I tried to go the other direction but the other Grandma called out to me.  Let it be said, there were ##### thoughts going through my head and I somehow played nicely with others.

 Last week she called me up and told me, "After all Dear, You KNOW your not a Grandmother so Zoey must come to my house for Sunday dinner." I just hung up on her and told my son to deal with it.

 So running into her "On a date to a local festival and dinner with her loving Husband because Intimacy is so much better now that the kids are grown."

So my not telling these people from another reality how the world is, was a big accomplishment for the day.  And I showered and put on makeup so I did not scare people.  LOL!

(((((Hugs))))) and Love to All!

Grammy or Nanc

Be Gentle with Yourself
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Kealoha on March 28, 2015, 10:17:55 PM
I told two of my closest friends they could come over to help me pack up books and things to put into storage.  (Side note: most expensive moving help ever, both are doctors)
I asked another local friend if he could help m put together some storage cabinets

These are pretty big steps for me since I tend to be fiercely independent and a do-it-mysef type... And have always previously put together all of my own furniture that needs assembling.  But I am learning to accept and ask for help which I will need to do in many ways along this journey.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Bluemoon15 on April 08, 2015, 08:56:05 AM
Ever since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 14 years ago, my husband did all of the long distance and inclement weather driving.  I never had a good sense of direction and always found long distance driving in unfamiliar territory a bit stressful, but after my diagnosis, I didn't trust myself.  My cognitive symptoms scared me.

Since my husband passed in January, I was forced to get back out there in all kinds of weather.  Having grown up in the country, navigating snowy roads came right back to me.  Driving in icy conditions scared the hell out of me.

However, the biggest challenge arrived yesterday, when I had to travel 35 miles to a destination I have never been to before.  I hadn't even traveled to this town since years before my diagnosis and was not at all familiar with the section of town I needed to go to.

Everyone who I know with a vehicle works during the day, so I had no choice but to venture out on my own, praying most of the way.

This was a very important appointment.  The folks at Social Security Disability were sending me to see a doctor for an independent evaluation of my symptoms, and I knew that his opinion would feature prominently in their decision to deny me, as almost everyone is denied after their initial application.

Sadly, the fact that I drove myself was met with shocked disapproval.  Every staff member I saw asked if I had done so, and every one of their faces mirrored my "mistake".  By the time the doctor inquired, I was ready to explain why and how difficult it was for me to do so.  I doubt that mattered.

Nevertheless, I made it up there and back with only a few unsure moments and wrong turns.  Once again a fear evolved into a feeling of empowerment.  And for that, I am so very grateful.

Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Dahlia on April 08, 2015, 10:25:22 AM
This discussion has shown me that sometimes it's okay to not "accomplish" anything of note.

I have a different perspective on a lot of this. My husband had a brain tumor for sixteen years. The last three were particularly difficult, and I spent the majority of my time attending to him. I accomplished a lot just by sitting by his bed and letting him know I was there.

When I lost him, I became super super productive. All of the things I had put off, I embraced. Everyday when I went to bed, I could count ten to twenty accomplishments.

But those accomplishments, while nice, were, in a sense, an avoidance strategy on my part. After looking over this discussion, I realized I needed to leave time for being sad, for grieving, for quiet reflection, for anger or for whatever emotion I might be having.

So, I hope that when people have days that seem to have been nothing more than standing in one place and being miserable, they say, "Hmm, maybe just giving myself a day like this is an accomplishment, too. Tomorrow, maybe, I'll have a different type of day."
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: sdarrah1130 on April 19, 2015, 09:15:27 AM
I accomplished this yesterday but couldn't find the thread.

Bought 2 Rubbermaid containers.  Folded E's dirty uniforms, the only thing I have with his smell and placed them in 1  container.

Cataloged video games.  I'm packing them and offering them to his siblings. 

Swept the basement. 

I guess I got a lot done.

Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Jen on April 19, 2015, 08:27:55 PM
Sandy, you did well. (((Hugs)))

I confess, I'm a little envious that you have something that smells like your sweet husband. Someone told me the first day or so to find something that smelled like my Jim and put it in a Ziploc bag-- but I didn't have anything. The clothes he wore to the hospital never came home, and he'd been doing laundry when he died. The last thing he said, according to my daughter-- while he was gasping to breathe-- was "Put the clothes in the dryer."

I managed not to have a meltdown today. Given how I've been feeling lately, that's pretty good. :-/
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: sdarrah1130 on April 20, 2015, 05:30:57 AM
(((Hugs)))) JustJen.

I was actually doing laundry the day he collapsed at work and continued to do a few loads while he was in the hospital thinking he needs clean sleepy pants when he came home.  I knew he wouldn't be going back to work for a while after the hospital so I saved those for last.  Thank goodness I did.

Thinking of you JustJen
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: canadiangirl on April 23, 2015, 03:08:27 PM
Although I am not a newbie, I am still struggling through the days, especially mornings.  So yesterday on my way into work (late as usual), a lady smiled at me.  So I looked down to make sure everything was okay and I made a mental note that I had accomplished one thing.  I was wearing pants.  Baby steps.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: sdarrah1130 on April 24, 2015, 07:05:25 PM
Apparently my E was a hoarder of computer parts.  I recycled 5 CPU's (computer towers), 4 monitors, 1 printer, 1 mouse and 2 keyboards today.
Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: sdarrah1130 on May 16, 2015, 12:39:16 PM
The past 2 weeks/weekends have been particularly rough and emotional for me.  E always helped me with the house work and yard work on his days off.  I have been feeling overwhelmed at the amount of things that I have to take care of by myself.

So, I have to post that I cleaned the carpet in my bedroom today.  I moved all of the furniture myself and will be buying new bedding, curtains and sheets.  I just need a bright, cheery, smells good (3 dogs) bedroom. 

Title: Re: Please add to this - I accomplished this today
Post by: Tweety76 on May 27, 2015, 04:12:30 AM
I have no idea what got into me this morning but I started to organize (read: moderate version of cleaning) the house and packing up a massive bag full of stuff to throw away. Good, but not a biggie because that stuff is mine. Then I decided that it is time to give away some pants and whatever is left in the closet of his. Good... open closet door and bam, I immediately felt ill just by touching something I wasn't going to give a way but what I needed to move to get to the pile I was about to go through. Nope, close door, next closet, his suit shirts. Bam, hysterical crying. What is wrong with me, I was thinking. I've been doing great and now this? Sheesh, can't do this. I made a mental note to ask my sister to come and help me with that stuff.

I organized stuff elsewhere in the house and then thought, Ok Tweet, just look at the pants that still have price tag on them. Tadaa! all of a sudden I have 2 bags full of suit shirts, pants and stuff to drag to my sister's husband and dad to try out. WOHOO!!!! Even with a rocky start, I DID IT!!!!!

I'm past the 1 year mark, just to put perspective time wise :) Last time I downsized anything was in January, so I suppose by year 3 I may even have gotten to near normal amount of stuff around the house.