Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: Aspen530 on August 24, 2015, 08:10:22 AM

Title: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on August 24, 2015, 08:10:22 AM
My fianc? passed 8 days ago and it feels like I'm drowning. I wake up to a nightmare I can never leave. What am I supposed to do with myself everyday without him. I'm 27 and moved back in with my parents so I don't have to be in the apartment we shared. The pain is so deep I fear it will live inside me forever.  He was my best friend and soulmate and now he is gone. forever. 

I had a dream last night that he was still with me. Laughing and joking and bringing me home treats for the store after he was done work. I woke up.... And back to the nightmare that is my life

Someone please help me.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Wheelerswife on August 24, 2015, 08:41:11 AM
Hi, Aspen,

I am so very sorry you had to join our club.  You are in those very early, awfully painful days.  There is so much angst and disbelief right now and nobody in your world understands...but we have all been there.

Right now...just try to keep breathing.  Drink lots of water...you can get dehydrated.  Eat when you can, sleep when you can, keep coming here and talking about whatever you want to talk about.

We are here to listen.  We understand.  You can't run us off.  Keep reading and venting and go ahead and scream if you want.  I know it is hard to believe right now, but in time, this will not be as painful as it is right now.  Every one of us here has survived this unsurvivable pain.  We will walk this walk with you.

Hugs,

Maureen
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: SoVerySad on August 24, 2015, 08:48:43 AM
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your fianc?. I'm sending you tight, tight hugs. This is all so fresh and unreal to you right now, I understand. The pain truly is excruciating. For right now, my best advice is just to concentrate on getting through the day, hour, sometimes minutes. Try not to think about past just that for right now - it is overwhelming enough. Make sure to keep drinking water and eat whenever you can. Those of us who've been through such a loss are here to support you, because we understand. We can't bring your fianc? back, but we can offer our love and support. Come here and post whenever you need us.

More hugs to you, honey...
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jess on August 24, 2015, 08:55:50 AM
(((Aspen 530)))

I am so sorry for your loss. Since you have the need, I am so glad you found us. All of us have sat in your shoes- 8 days out and no idea how to live life. Right now, your responsibilities in your incredibly complicated life are very simple. Keep breathing, drink lots of water, try to eat, and sleep when you can. Life right now is minute by minute, hour by hour. Let the people that love you take care of you.

I recently passed one year. In fact, it will be one year and one month in two days from now. I remember thinking it was impossible I could ever make it a month, much less a year and a month. I have been reflecting a lot on what I would tell myself when I first suffered the loss of my husband. Besides what I have already said, here is what I would have wanted myself to know:

1. Time does eventually speed up again. It is not always going to be an excruciating wait for each hour to pass.
2. Things will be tough, but you are tougher. This does not mean you will not be overwhelmed and feel hopeless sometimes or even most of the time, but it does mean you can survive these feelings, get up the next morning and do it all over again so you give yourself the chance to get to a point where it becomes easier to do it.
3. Laughter is okay. A George Bernard Shaw quote I had placed on my husband's funeral program really spoke to me: "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."
4. Sometimes you just have to stay in bed, and that is okay.
5. There is no wrong way to process this grief other than self harm.
6. Do not let anyone rush you in your grief, especially yourself. The person you loved so deeply deserves to be mourned.

Post as often as you want or need to do so. We are here and you are not alone. I am wishing you peace and comfort.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: MrsT85 on August 24, 2015, 10:21:29 AM
My fianc? passed 8 days ago and it feels like I'm drowning. I wake up to a nightmare I can never leave. What am I supposed to do with myself everyday without him. I'm 27 and moved back in with my parents so I don't have to be in the apartment we shared. The pain is so deep I fear it will live inside me forever.  He was my best friend and soulmate and now he is gone. forever. 

I had a dream last night that he was still with me. Laughing and joking and bringing me home treats for the store after he was done work. I woke up.... And back to the nightmare that is my life

Someone please help me.

Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry you've had reason to join us, but so glad you've found us.  I read your first paragraph and instantly found myself transported to 4/6/13 - I was 27 too, and I had just found out that my husband had been killed in a car accident on the way home from work.  I too picked up and immediately moved back into my parents' house - it was just too painful to be in our apartment alone, and I was so so scared I might wake up in our bed and - just for a second - forget he was gone.  I was terrified of what it might do to my already extremely fragile psyche to think that he might be back, only to have it all flooding back to me that he was gone forever.

I found the precursor to this board at just a couple days out.  The most helpful thing (for me, anyway) was to realize I wasn't alone.  There were other car accident widows - some around my age, even - and that fact alone, combined with the dozens of others' stories that I read in those first few days, helped me realize that as awful as this was I would likely one day make it out from under the deepest throes of my despair as well.

You've already been given some fantastic advice from some other wonderful members - I second it all.  The next year or two (or longer) will be confusing and hard and you'll over-and-over think that you're going a little bit crazy.  That you aren't reacting in the "proper" way or having the "correct" emotions for your timeframe or whatever.  When you do - come here and tell us about it.  I promise you you'll have multiple people chiming in with ((hugs)) and "Me too's!". 

I know I didn't really start to feel like a person again for about a year...please be patient and kind with yourself and lean on those who want to and can help you.  I felt more like a child that first year than I ever had in my adult life - relying on my mother to by-and-large take care of me, waking up back in my old high school bedroom every morning, spending way too much time on the internet obsessively reading the old version of this site.  It was terrible.  I hated it and myself.  But I made it through and 2 1/2 years later I'm well on my way to building a proper life for myself again.

So yeah.  I've also been that 27 year old on the receiving end of the worst news I could ever possibly hear.  I get it.  PM me if you want - I'll be happy to give you my cell# and you can text me anytime
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Mizpah on August 24, 2015, 10:56:31 AM
I'm so sorry.  I don't remember how painful this time is, and hopefully you won't either.  I didn't think it was survivable.  I didn't feel it was bearable.  I couldn't imagine ever being functional again.  I couldn't imagine a present or future world without him. 

You don't know how to get through this, and right now you don't have to.  You have to survive your days and keep your expectations very low.  Breathe, hydrate, get outside a little, eat if/when you can, do the things that will help you be as stable and sane as possible (it can be as simple as making your bed or (ambitious) working out).  Take all the solitude or company you need.  Tell people what you want from them, if you know.  Take comfort and solace in any little bit you can. 

The enormity of this is inconceivable.  It still is inconceivable for me 4+ years later, though my life is rebuilt and I am a "normal" member of society and I wouldn't say I'm "stuck."  I don't believe the mind can really grasp it. 

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to hurt as badly as you are hurting.  It is the only way through, in my opinion. 
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on August 24, 2015, 12:19:12 PM
Thank you so much for the support. Everyone on here must be so strong because you sound like you are actually living

And that I do not know how it is possible

We would have been married after I finished graduate school. He was so proud of me and how well I was doing and now I feel it will be impossible
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Justin on August 24, 2015, 03:48:24 PM
Thank you so much for the support. Everyone on here must be so strong because you sound like you are actually living

And that I do not know how it is possible

Folks are here are strong and you are, too - even if you don't know it yet. We are all strong because we have to be and staying in that dark place is not an option. I promise you will live again, even though it seems impossible. Right now, you just have to take each moment as it comes, and take good care of your body, mind and emotions. I remember a post that I read when I wasn't too far out: a widow was at her husband's funeral and a friend of theirs turned to her and said, "If there was ever a time to be selfish, now is that time." That has always stuck with me. There were many times I didn't answer the phone or door, just because I didn't have the energy.

There is much wisdom in the advice that has already been posted, and I will add: don't abuse drugs or alcohol to numb the pain - it will just delay the grieving process. In the early days, I kept my drinking under control while caring for my daughter because I knew she needed me. On the weekends that she stayed with her grandparents, I would watch Netflix and hit the bottle pretty hard. I remember one day I was pretty lit, but still conscious and lucid. I thought to myself: "I am so drunk right now, but the ache is still right there. It's just as big as it always is." I would later find that nothing would help but friends, family, and time.

Don't be afraid to accept help, and don't be afraid to reach out - especially to us. We have all been right there where you are now.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jess on August 24, 2015, 03:52:48 PM
Believe it or not, there are a few widows that managed to continue college, even graduate school. I hope some of them will chime in and let you know what their experience was like.

The road to living life is a hard one. I am still figuring it out for sure. There are times where it still feels pretty impossible, but then somehow it is possible. I don't want to paint either too rosy of a picture or too dismal of one. Your journey will be so individual and there is no way of knowing how it will be until it actually is. The great thing about this place is that while no one person can likely relate to everything you are thinking are feeling, along the way you will find plenty of people that can share aspects of your journey and say "Me too". Just know, whatever you think or feel is the right thing for you. We are here to vent to, commiserate with, to have a safe place to say things you can't say to people in your day to day life, and celebrate little and big successes along the way.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: jlp on August 24, 2015, 05:14:36 PM
I am so sorry you've had to join our club but glad you found us.  I don't have a lot to add to the excellent suggestions already presented here.  I found it helpful to really try to stay in the present -- looking too far into the future was just too much.  A daily "to-do" list helped me to stay focused, even if it was just "go to the post office and get gas."

And remember to be kind to yourself.  We've all found ourselves in uncharted territory and it can be overwhelming.  There is no right or wrong -- try different things and go with what you find helpful.

And keep us posted -- we really do care.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Wheelerswife on August 24, 2015, 07:45:09 PM
Believe it or not, there are a few widows that managed to continue college, even graduate school. I hope some of them will chime in and let you know what their experience was like.

I just read what Jess wrote.  I was back in the classroom 11 days after my husband died.  I felt like if I didn't have school, I wouldn't have had anything.  School forced me out of the house and gave me deadlines and some bit of purpose.  I managed to finish the second Bachelor's degree I was working on, and now, 19 months later, I am in my second semester of grad school.

We all need something to help us along.  You can decide for yourself what it is for you.

Hugs,

Maureen
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on August 25, 2015, 06:58:33 AM
Thank you for your kind words, I go back to school the 8th and I am so scared. Who am I kidding I'm layin in my bed right now scared of the next 5 min.

I have decided to take a friend to our apartment today for maybe only a half hour. His family and mine sg have already been there and done some things but I had asked them to to leave certain things for me. Typing this our right now makes me want to throw up.  Please be sending good vibes my way this morning because I have a feeling I will be a puddle our old floor that someone will have to mop up.

I just want to keep screaming ahhhhh I hate this new me and this new life full of despair!!
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: DavidsKtBeth on August 25, 2015, 09:06:02 AM
Sending good vibes your way!!!
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Mizpah on August 25, 2015, 09:33:24 AM
It's ok to be a puddle and it's ok to scream. 
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: gracelet on August 25, 2015, 11:48:19 AM
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.  So very sorry.  I was 27 too when I was widowed.  it's shit.  It's truly shit.  There are no words.  For now, just survive.  Don't bother faking it til you make it.  One hour at a time.  One mouthful at a time.  One sip at a time.

Come here often.  Type, don't type.  Read. Chat.  I spent hours on this site every day for about three months and I still pop in every couple of days at two years out.

Focus on YOU, darling.  You can do it.  Just not all in one go.  Baby steps.

With love from one baby widow to another x
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: donswife on August 25, 2015, 05:37:30 PM
sending good vibes your way today
I am sure it was hard to go back to the apartment
I also wanted to tell you i am so sorry
wish I had more input for you but just keep reaching out
take care
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jen on August 26, 2015, 09:41:17 PM
Anne, this is redundant, but I just want to tell you again that I'm so, so sorry you had to look for us-- and grateful you found us. Scream, rant, cry, talk, read-- whatever you need. You're stronger than you know, but that's cold comfort right now. Drink some water. Breathe. We're here.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

Jen
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Lost35 on August 31, 2015, 01:09:53 AM
I'm so sorry you are here!  No one knows how to do this.  At some point, your heart keeps beating and you keep breathing and inch by inch, day by day or year by year you find you are still alive and breathing and your feet keep moving...

Let everyone who is around you hold you up for a while, until you have the strength you need to hold yourself.  You are in the best place you could be, having come here.  It was and remains, a life-line. 

Please take care.

-L.

Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on August 31, 2015, 08:40:37 AM
It feels like everyday gets worse and worse... Like I've been shot in the chest without the luxury of dying.

I feel so alone.... My bones ache n my skin feels like it's crawling.

I wake up angry that I'm still breathing,

I'm so fucking terrified I can't stand it. Every minute feels like an eternity.

I see him in everything and everywhere.

I hate when people try to tell me to focus on the positive, there is nothing positive

I some times can not fathom making it through this

Sorry for the jumble of thoughts n rambling
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: SoVerySad on August 31, 2015, 09:15:41 AM
Anne, Please don't feel like you have to apologize here for sharing your feelings. Most of us have probably experienced them ourselves at some point. Boy, do I remember how slow time feels. Every day felt like an eternity in misery. I sometimes feel I haven't made too much progress in general, but I can tell you that eventually time does speed up again. Just this past weekend, I thought to myself how I need more hours in the day. That stopped me in my tracks as I realized that time was back to going quickly again for me. It does happen eventually. I know that doesn't help you right now when you're in those long, excruciating days, though.

At almost 2.5 years out, I still bristle when anyone makes a comment to me about any of this having a positive side or being part of a plan for me. Wrong!! I will find no positive to losing my husband too soon. I will try to move forward and find happiness where I can again, but there is nothing positive about this. We can grow to find new positives in our lives despite the blow we've been dealt and we can recognize blessings we sill have in our lives, but that doesn't mitigate the pain of the loss or make it right in any way.

I understand feeling like you won't make it through. I felt that way for a long time, yet somehow we do. Keep reaching out. We'll be here to help you.

More hugs...
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Trying on August 31, 2015, 10:09:52 AM
All you need to focus on right now is breathing, drinking water and trying to eat a little something.  I would literally tell myself multiple times a day " just breath, inhale, exhale" repeat.  It was the only way to calm the rising panic long enough for me to do basic things. 

Do your best to not look too far ahead because it is overwhelming and unfathomable. Face each day or each hour as it comes.  I'm a list person so I would write down everything I had to do and cross them off as I did them. Some days it was shower, empty the dishwasher and feed the kids.  Some days it was big stuff like handling life insurance and bills.

People will say all kinds of crazy things to you because they really don't know how to help or just sit with you and your pain.  They are lucky to be ignorant.

You won't believe this now but time really does ease the pain.  You won't forget, you won't stop missing him, but you will find a way to cope and to live and to even be happy.

Keep reading and posting, we understand the huge range of emotions and fears and for me, knowing other people felt similar to me at least made me feel like I wasn't crazy.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jess on August 31, 2015, 11:20:56 AM
SVS is so right. There is never any need to apologize for saying things here. This is a safe place where not only are we not judging, we have been there and we get it.

I remember how slow time seemed. By the time I was a month out, it felt like it had taken a damn year to live those awful 30 days. It was strange to wish time would speed up and at the same time wishing it wouldn't because every second was one more second to add the the growing pile of time that had elapsed since we had been together last. Widowhood is finding some way to live in a paradox.

And frankly, screw anyone that tries to tell you to feel one way or another. This is your loss. This is your grief. You need to feel whatever you need to feel to process this and it is okay. Keep breathing. This will likely be the scariest thing you will ever do, but you can do this. We are all with you.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: widowat33 on September 01, 2015, 12:59:22 AM
I can't really offer much more than what's already been written, but just wanted to say I get it.
For the first month after my husband died, all I remember doing is sitting on my front porch chain smoking (bad habit). I don't remember anything else. I do remember thinking that I would always feel like I did at that time, but I was wrong. Now just over a year later I am much better, in fact some days I am doing well. There are still bad days, triggers, and memories that feel like they will tear me apart. I know now for certain that it will always hurt, but it won't always hurt so much or maybe we just adapt to the pain and learn to manage it.
Mornings were hard for me as well, because it meant one more day without him, and I had to wake up to the reality that was my life..
I actually started a college program less than two months after he passed away. I had never went to college after high school, so 15 years later here I am a college student. I can honestly say it was the best decision I have made since being widowed. It helped me focus on something positive for the future, and got me out of the house when I would've been content to become a hermit :)  Luckily I have an amazing group of supportive fellow students who have become friends that I would never have met otherwise.
You are still so fresh in this journey, sending you hugs!
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Mizpah on September 02, 2015, 08:43:21 AM
I hate when people try to tell me to focus on the positive

These people are fools.  I can't imagine ever telling someone who just lost the love of their life to focus on the positive.  It's an insane thing to say.  In the first few months, I adopted the "nod and smile" approach to all statements that were mind-blowingly dumb.  On the outside: nodding and smiling.  On the inside: "WTF?!  Are you f'ing kidding me?  The center of my world is DEAD!!!!!"  Invisible ear muffs.  Grieving is the best time to stop hearing.  You need to take all your dictates from inside yourself right now.  There are definitely little pieces of wisdom all over the place to cobble together, little verbal and philosophical life rafts here and there to grasp onto for dear life, but there is way more idiocy floating around. 

Honestly, grieving requires so much strength and resilience because you have to focus entirely on the negative.  Being in denial will not help you through it.  Being honest, having clarity and bravery, will.  F the positivity cult.  There will come a time when you are naturally open again to the beauty in life, but for now, grieving is your task.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on September 03, 2015, 09:19:37 PM
One day, hour or minute at a time Anne.  Oh I so remeber feeling that. At just a bit over 2 yrs it's very different for me but we all travel our own grief journey. Platitudes still drive me nuts but I've learned people can be uncomfortable a don't know what to say. The ones that just said I'm sorry said it all. My Mom was widowed for 25 yrs and I remeber she asked me if I found the days long. Yup, she got me. She's about the only one who did IRL.  2 weeks after DH died my youngest brother said to me " it's time to get on with it" WTF?  I told him I don't have a cold.  This is going to take a lot of time. He just didn't get it.  Hold on and take it easy. We're all here for you and we get it.  Hugs
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: lcoxwell on September 03, 2015, 09:27:12 PM
Grieving is the best time to stop hearing. 

Oh, how true this is! You will find that there will be well-meaning people, who are honestly trying to be supportive, but have no true idea of what you are going through. They will say all kinds of things, in an attempt to be helpful and to encourage. Only, their kind intentions end up causing far more pain than they realized. There are others, who are honestly at a loss for words and simply have no idea what they should be saying, so they end up saying all the wrong things. Some others may be heartless and callous, saying things that are meant to cause you pain, but I find those people to be the exception and not the rule, generally speaking. I, too, adopted the "nod and smile" method of dealing with them, and just learned to only listen to those who genuinely understood or made great efforts to.

The truth is, there is no way over, under, or around grieving. You must go through it, one way or another. Trying to avoid it, trying to only look at the positive and not deal with all that you have lost, will only cause you more problems emotionally and physically down the road. Of course, you do not always want to be steeped in the misery, wallowing in grief. From time to time, as you are ready, you do need to look at some positives, too, or you will never heal. The keys words there are "as you are ready". Until then, grieve in any way that you see fit, because there are no rules and no timelines in this process; and everyone must travel their own journey along this path.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on September 05, 2015, 06:53:01 AM
Another morning up since 530am. Thought that continue to cross my mind, I wish it were me!!  He was stronger than me he could have done this and i just can't. I spent the last half
Hour listen to a video on my phone where he's laughin for 3 seconds.  I know it's not helping me but I can't stop. 

Unable to catch my breath looking at our dog or staring at ceiling.

Why did this happen??? I can't do it.  Everyday is a nightmare.

I miss him so much my whole body hurts. People tell me it will get better but I can't imagine that ever being possible.

We had so many plans. 27 is too soon.

How can this be my path? Such pain and despair. I don't want to go on...
I would never cause this type of pain to the people who love me and he would never forgive me even if death of I did but it still feels like I can't go on

People say the only way out is through but how does one indure this type of pain?!

My best friend is gone... N I want to die

Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jess on September 05, 2015, 07:45:27 AM
Anne, I wish I could fix all of this awfulness for you. I couldn't imagine it ever getting better either. I am not even sure better is the right word for it. I think maybe it gets easier to live with the awful after a while. I remember how slow time felt. Every minute was torture. It will not always be like that.

I too had a video I would watch obsessively. The day before my husband died, we got a puppy. The video is of him playing with her. It was just so him... so normal. I had no idea 8-10 hours later he would be dead. I don'the watch it as much any more, but I treasure it.

You do not need to figure out how to make it through this nightmare right now. It will come with time. Eventually you will stop wishing a meteor crashed through your ceiling and ended it all. It took me several months to get there, but the first time I realized I wanted to live it was shocking. It is a weird thing to realize that a feeling of self preservation is shocking.

I know we keep repeating through the advice to take care of your basic needs like drinking water, trying to sleep, and trying to eat but at this point those are your only jobs and they are important. When you get the shock in days or months to come that you want to live, you will be glad you gave yourself the chance.

We are all here to listen and we care. Keep posting. We hear you and we get it.

Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: SoVerySad on September 05, 2015, 09:17:42 AM
Anne, I'm sending you love and tight, tight hugs. I remember thinking the exact same thoughts that I wish it had been me instead, because my husband would have handled losing me better. I came to realize that he would have been just as devastated and heartbroken, because we loved each other so deeply. He handled many hardships in his life with strength and grace, but he never suffered as wounding a blow as losing the love of his life, his partner, his soft place to fall, his dreams for the future, etc. I think he'd be struggling just as deeply had the tables been turned.

I also understand your statement that your whole body hurts. I was shocked at the physical pain that accompanies the emotional pain - as if the emotional pain alone wasn't unbearable enough. Like Jess, I wish I had a way to lessen the hurt for you.

More hugs...

 
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Lost35 on September 07, 2015, 01:31:56 AM
Aspen530,  I wanted to be in the plane with him, if only to hold his hand.  If only to be there for him.  If only to know we both understood what was going to happen.  Then came wishing for five minutes.  I still do.  I still wish for five minutes.  No one will understand what you are living more than anyone here.  In the middle of the night, when it is hardest, there will be one kind soul who is feeling the same, who will hold your hand... And one day, in the future, only when you are able, whenever that may be, you will be the one, here in the middle of the night, helping someone else.  In the early days, in the first week, the only way I could imagine surviving was to know I would have the ability to help someone else.  It was the only thing that made sense.  Hold on to whatever gets you through the moments.  It may not seem enough, but I hope it is.  PM me if you need more.  I will do what I can to help...

-L.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Quixote on September 07, 2015, 12:08:47 PM
I can't add much, except to say I think we were all there.  And maybe still are.  It's the worst thing in the world that could happen, and it did.  You wish it was you instead of them, or failing that, you too. 

I think my dog got me through the first few weeks.  She was something I loved (and my wife did, too, very much so) I had to take care of, who I had to get out of bed for. It might sound dumb, but I'm probably alive because of that mutt.

It won't be easy.  It probably shouldn't be.  Eventually, you find life worth it again.  But for now, just keep working on the breathing and don't try to stop the sadness.  Do hug that dog, though.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Guaruj on September 07, 2015, 02:02:55 PM
I agree very much with this:

I think my dog got me through the first few weeks.  She was something I loved (and my wife did, too, very much so) I had to take care of, who I had to get out of bed for. It might sound dumb, but I'm probably alive because of that mutt.

Our cat provided Catherine with companionship while she recovered from cancer treatments and I was at work. Now that Catherine is gone, I feel I owe this cat a happy life. He's laying behind the computer monitor as I type this. :) Caring for someone (or something else) gives structure to your life.

Anne, I'm sure your dog misses your fiance, too.  Please hang in there, and stay in touch with us.

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Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on September 08, 2015, 05:35:50 PM
Thank u so much!! I feel the same way, sometimes I get out bed just to take care of our dog champ.
She was he's baby and I can never let anything happen to her. 

If I do one thing all day is make sure she eats poops n gets exercise n I try to have faith that he's looking down on me smiling and proud
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jen on September 08, 2015, 10:09:00 PM
More hugs, hon. I've been thinking about you... about everyone, just at a low point and not able to post. But I'm still here, still reading, and still holding on. We got you.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: lcoxwell on September 08, 2015, 10:26:42 PM
I am another one, whose dogs helped me to survive and carry on, after the loss of my spouse. There were days I couldn't function at all, but I managed to take care of them. Had it not been for my dogs sleeping in my bed with me, I don't think I ever would have been able to sleep again, especially since my Kenneth died in our bed, next to me. With the dogs sleeping close to me, the emptiness was just ever so slightly more bearable.

About a month ago, I had to give up my dogs, when I moved to my new place. Every time I think of them, it brings me to tears, and I so wish I could have kept them. I hope that your dogs can bring you the peace that mine brought me, and that they can help you to heal in some small way.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on September 09, 2015, 07:02:50 AM
I woke up at 430am today...

My mind is on repeat, hearing the news that the one person I love n the person who took care of me is dead.
 This pain is so deep I feel like I need to cut it out. Like someone please cut my chest open and tear this pain away from my soul.

My skin feels like it's crawling. My heart is racing and the feeling that my protector isn't here anymore brings me to panic.
Today I feel so low. My job is to promote mental health awareness on a college campus (pays for my grad degree)Today I have to promote suicide awareness for 3 hours and I don't know how to do that when I wish I were dead.

I wanna chain smoke cigarettes n cry till I either pass out or sleep. Even though I can't shut my eyes n not see his face.
I wish the pain on the inside was outside, I'd know how to fix that kind. This type of pain can not be fixed or masked. 

I'm either hearing Butch (Jason, which I never called him) is dead or my own thoughts of I wish I was. 

I'm thinking about going to a grief share (group thing) tonight, but I don't know...
I don't know anything anymore over than I may be breathing but my life is over
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Wheelerswife on September 09, 2015, 07:47:23 AM
Ah, Aspen,

So much anguish!  I am also a grad student and I work in student support services, in the center on our campus that houses our counseling services.  I've had a counselor from the same center in which I work since a couple of days after my second husband died.  I hope that you feel you can take advantage of services that are right alongside you.

Have you thought about asking to change your GA position?  I would hope that folks in Student Affairs would be able to understand that the position you currently have is pretty overwhelming for someone freshly widowed.  Then again, you may wish to stay where you are, but there might be a healthier alternative for you at this point.

I'll be thinking of you today.  I will be spending some of my day promoting the concept of Ability Allies...in recognition of the 25th anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act.  My first husband had a physical disability and now I cope with anxiety myself.  We will both get through this day...one moment at a time..

Hugs,

Maureen
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Michael797 on September 09, 2015, 12:52:30 PM
Today I feel so low. My job is to promote mental health awareness on a college campus (pays for my grad degree)Today I have to promote suicide awareness for 3 hours and I don't know how to do that when I wish I were dead.


I saw my fianc?e's body at 7:30 am. By 10 am, I was at school teaching a full day of classes. I honestly didn't know what else to do with myself. I remember absolutely nothing from that day; the horror continued when I got back home, but that's another, equally ugly story.

You're pretty much in auto-pilot mode right now - the shock sort of overrides any rational thought. You're moving through time fairly mechanically, wondering whether it's some sort of horrible nightmare, half expecting a hundred people to come bursting through a door yelling "Surprise!"

You are destined to get through this, as all of us are. Most of us still wonder why it happened to us, none of us got a choice. But you are now on "widow radar" and the more you post or vent or rage or scream, the easier it is for us to find you and look after you. If the outside world takes its good old time to understand what you're going through (and it just might), we hear you loud and clear. If you feel yourself falling, one or more of us will catch you. If you feel like you're losing your mind, we have a lost and found section and someone probably already turned it in. There is nothing you could feel or say that could shock us, but we're there to weep with you and for you. Little by little, it starts to help.

For now, all bets are off. Do whatever you need to - we'll back you. That's how it's done.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on September 09, 2015, 03:23:19 PM
Finished another terrible day at work... I'm living with my parents again so I don't even feel like it's my home. My home was with him and now that's gone.

I don't know what to do with myself I come "home" and I just sit at their dinning room table and sob.

How am I supposed to work and be polite and not punch someone in the face?

I don't even know what to write anymore!! My brain is no longer functioning. 

Feeling pretty low today 😰💔🔫
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jen on September 09, 2015, 03:50:59 PM
There is nothing you could feel or say that could shock us, but we're there to weep with you and for you. Little by little, it starts to help.


I just want to emphasize this. We get it. We don't want to, but we do. Keep talking. We're here, and we're listening.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Michael797 on September 09, 2015, 04:31:36 PM
Finished another terrible day at work... I'm living with my parents again so I don't even feel like it's my home. My home was with him and now that's gone.

Ditto. That was the ugly part I didn't want to mention. I came home to find out I had that night to get everything I owned out of the place. Long story, don't want to tell it.

How am I supposed to work and be polite and not punch someone in the face?

Nobody knows. Do you have any allies at work - someone who you can at least count on to understand? You'll need at least one.

I don't even know what to write anymore!! My brain is no longer functioning. 

Feeling pretty low today 😰💔🔫

Got that. No magic wand, truly sorry. You have a lot to process and not much to work with. All I can say is that if I got through it, you can too.

What I'm NOT going to tell you is that it takes time. About a week after the horror struck, I found myself at a Barnes & Noble scouring every book on grief I could find. The author of one book in particular mentioned that if all it took was time, you could go to bed for about two years, wake up, and it would all be over.

But you do need allies, folks you can vent to pretty much any old time. We can do that here, but communication on the board is asynchronous - there will always be a delay of some kind. It would be better to have real-time, on-demand support if you can get it. If not - well, we'll cross that bridge when you get to it.

Check back as often as you need - some of us "vets" are on newbie alert, so we'll do what we can as we can.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Lisa on September 09, 2015, 06:10:05 PM
Sending you support and caring
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Quixote on September 09, 2015, 08:19:54 PM
Been there. Christ, the pain. It's overwhelming and very honestly, you won't act entirely rationally for a while. You won't care about important things. But small things can send you into flaming anger or uncontrolled sobbing.

If you can stand it, try to be around people who love you. By yourself time can be dangerous. Although you'll need some of that, too
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jen on September 09, 2015, 08:25:11 PM
So many hugs. I wish I had more to offer... something concrete, other than endless "I'm sorry's." They don't help. I know that, but I still am so, so sorry. That pain-- the feeling that every breath is a hot knife stabbing you-- It passes, it really does, though I'm sure that's hard to believe right now. One hour at a time... one minute... one agonizing breath. Just hold on. Hold on. (((((HUGS)))))
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: lcoxwell on September 09, 2015, 10:17:39 PM
When I was on about the same timeline that you are, I remember having a particularly bad day at work and coming "home" to a miserably empty house, in which all I could do was cry. I had heard some say to just take things one step at a time. I had also heard grief described as coming in waves. I remember coming to this site's predecessor and saying something along the lines of, "It's hard to take baby steps, when you are drowning in the middle of the ocean, and your feet can't touch the shore." We all understand the pain and the depths of despair. Please, please fell free to lean on us, any time you have a need.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Aspen530 on September 10, 2015, 06:57:03 AM
Does anyone have any advice on sleeping? I can't seem to get more than 5 or so hours.  Every morning I wake up with a start at around 430-530am. The really weird thing is i believe that he might have died between those hours. I feel like my body is torturing me and waking me up Every single day at these times because it's when he left me.  I realize that isn't very rational considering I really don't know when he died. (In his sleep) I'm just so sick of living this life especially with no sleep
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: TooSoon on September 10, 2015, 07:03:22 AM
Hi Aspen,  I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Not wanting to take pharmaceuticals, I started taking 3 micrograms of melatonin a while ago.  Over the counter doses are 3 milligrams but a friend recommended the much lower dose of 3 micrograms and it works like a charm.  One melatonin and a page or two of a book and I am out.  Can be ordered on amazon or bought at a health food store.   Also a spoonful of really good honey alone or in a cup of warm tea before bed will enhance the melatonin and make it more effective. 

Sleep is a problem for a lot of us.  Wishing you rest. 
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Wheelerswife on September 10, 2015, 07:11:05 AM
Sleep is a problem for a lot of us.  Wishing you rest. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This.  I didn't get much more than 4 hours of sleep a night for quite awhile.  I took to staying up as late as I could because I hated being awake in the middle of the night.

Hugs...and I hope you get more sleep.

Maureen
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Michael797 on September 10, 2015, 08:06:12 AM
TooSoon is correct; I second the melatonin recommendation. My bottle was 5 mg caps, and I ended up taking two of them every night - pretty much knocked me out. I stopped taking them because of grogginess during the day (I'm a teacher and can't afford to be out of it in front of a class of hungry wolves). Your mileage is going to vary, so maybe ask the pharmacist - but damn near every place that sells vitamins has it. Read up a bit, though, please. You might want to consult a doctor as well - Ambien is often prescribed, but all it does is knock you out; when the pill wears off in four hours, you pop right back up. Not recommended for long-term use, either. Have a talk with a pharmacist you trust about melatonin. And keep posting - somebody here will have an answer to damn near any question you can ask.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: TooSoon on September 10, 2015, 08:10:09 AM
I have zero grogginess with the 3 micrograms.  It is a tiny amount but it does the trick for me.  The higher dose just wired me even more.  I've never taken Ambien but my parents do and they don't remember anything I've said after they've taken the pill...
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Jess on September 10, 2015, 08:13:21 AM
I got so little sleep in he beginning I actually experienced hallucinations. It wasn't like Charlie Chaplin suddenly as in the room doing a routine or something like that. It was more hearing noises that weren't there and seeing orbs of light the size of bugs whizzing towards my face. Crazy, right?

I started sleeping any chance I possibly could. 30 minutes here, an hour there. It wasn't until I was nearly 3 months in that I slept through the entire night. It helped me to put something on tv. My attention span was such crap I would be able to drift off. Often, it took 3 or 4 passes to watch an hour long show, but sleep was happening. I also completely gave up caffeine for about the first 2.5 months.

Not sleeping compounds everything and that sucks so much. At over a year out now, I do often sleep through the night, but I do not always. My wake ups are shorter and I can go back to sleep easier. I so hate saying it took months for me, but do remember everyone is different and it may straighten out sooner rather than later for you. I hope it does.
Title: Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
Post by: Guaruj on September 10, 2015, 05:56:45 PM
Does anyone have any advice on sleeping? I can't seem to get more than 5 or so hours.

I only had problems with sleep during a brief period of intense rage. Otherwise, I seem to sleep OK.

All I can recommend is doing the things that keep your body on a regular cycle:

Quote
Every morning I wake up with a start at around 430-530am.

That's not the worst time to wake up, though I wouldn't recommend any earlier. When I was first widowed, I set my alarm for 5:00 AM instead of 6:00. That way, I could visit my wife's grave for 10 or 15 minutes and still get to work early. Now that 14 months has passed, I still have my alarm set for 5:00, even if I don't go to Catherine's grave every day like I used to.

I hope you sleep much better tonight.

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