Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Shock Wears Off, Reality Sets In ( 6 to 12 months) => Topic started by: robunknown on September 01, 2015, 10:41:48 AM

Title: 11 month reflection
Post by: robunknown on September 01, 2015, 10:41:48 AM
In a couple days marks 11 months for me. Reflecting back, that first month was just numb with taking care of business. Then my son's bday, then the holidays hit. My feet finally hit the ground from the holiday whirlwind mid-January (4 months). February and March hit hard, because I realized that even though I had mastered our daily routine, my wife wouldn't be coming back because of "good behavior". During that time I lived for about two weeks in the past. Obsessing over mentally reliving our past and I succeeded in only pile driving myself into the ground emotionally. 
I realized I needed to start to look forward to things. So I planned out a super busy summer, summer camp, 2 vacations, cleaning out and getting our house on the market, and moving to a new school (way better) district for my son.
The official school routine starts up tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it. It makes my life easier.
I actually planned something over the sadiversary weekend purely by accident, because I refused to let myself formally mark the date in my calendar. I'm ok with doing that. I will celebrate my DW birthday in December and allow myself to crawl into the pity hole for the day. The thought of that makes me feel less guilty about not sitting and stewing in my grief every day.
It is a fine line to walk everyday that I haven't quite figured out yet, between remembering her and falling into a pit of dispair.
No questions here, just a reflection.
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: TooSoon on September 01, 2015, 08:58:32 PM
I just want to validate everything you say.  Months eight through 10 were the lowest of low for me, the most confusing.  It has gotten better, so much better, incrementally, with each passing month as I began to see a path appear more clearly for my daughter and me.  It is still not rainbows and unicorns and it is certainly not easy with raising a child alone but it is better.  There is much more peace now and even joy and silver linings.  Solidarity.   
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: robunknown on September 01, 2015, 09:18:13 PM
Thanks. I feel like a much stronger person now, stronger than most folks that haven't been through something like this. Because I know I can go through what I have and survive. I have my moments, but I get back up.
I'm finding my 6 year old son to be my hero. I lost my wife, but he lost his mom, and he is doing really well. I keep his counseling going because I know he keeps his feelings hidden from me to protect me, no matter how much I open up to him. I stopped for a couple months and I could see the frustration building in him, and was released when I got him seeing his counselor again. I will maintain it until he finally moves onto college.
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: TooSoon on September 01, 2015, 09:33:04 PM
Mine was 6 when her Dad died after a long illness.  She's now 8.5 going on 13.... it evolves and changes, the parenting part.  If ever you want to talk more about it all, just send me a message. 
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: robunknown on September 02, 2015, 07:46:19 AM
Thanks Toosoon it sounds like we have similar stories. My son was less than a month away from his 6th birthday.
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: Virgo on September 03, 2015, 07:01:07 AM
My husband died one week after his 39th birthday. I chose to celebrate his birthday with my daughters instead of purposely acknowledging his death date. My youngest daughter was 6 when he died. So far it has been the easiest for her to adjust. I'm not sure easiest is the proper word, but I'm thinking that will probably change as she ages. It is so hard to think about what our children will be missing out on with their mom or dad. One day at a time.
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: Max2507 on September 03, 2015, 07:49:10 AM
Planning things for the future helped me a lot and I am still doing that. Whether its a weekend away or just a concert it helps to have something to look forward to.
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: Jen on September 03, 2015, 03:26:59 PM
Nothing to add right now but hugs...
Title: Re: 11 month reflection
Post by: lcoxwell on September 03, 2015, 09:34:06 PM
My Kenneth slipped into a coma our youngest son's 18th birthday. He held on long enough to see him "become a man"; and then he left us two days later, six days shy of his 51st birthday....