Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Social Encounters => Topic started by: canadiangirl on December 20, 2015, 12:32:02 PM

Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on December 20, 2015, 12:32:02 PM
I am not sure if "Social Encounters" is the right place for this thread, but I have been reading with empathy the threads on recoupling and the thoughts expressed by those who have found or seek another, who do not feel like life will be complete without a partner.  While I understand and honour these feelings, I don't have these thoughts, and was wondering if there is anyone else on the boards who feels the same way.

Of course things may change, but I am not dating and have no desire to date.  I am two years out.  I am in no shape to recouple but I also have zero interest in doing so, and this may last my entire life.  I am okay with this. 

I met my DH in my mid-30s after a long dating history.  I have always done my own finances, been responsible for running the apartment or house alone, had evenings to myself, pursued a number of interests, etc.  I became used to being alone, doing things alone or with friends (theatre, restaurants, cinema, travel all good).  This is good, because the city I live in has a ratio of 7 to 1 eligible women to men.  I am happy to answer only to my child and myself, and I don't wish to share decision-making about my child with anyone.  My DH was a good man, the real man that I had been seeking, and I felt I won the lottery when I met him.  Statistically I am skeptical it will happen again, especially as I am older now.

Not long ago, I met the mother of my highschool sweetheart in the airport. She was widowed in her 40s, left with 4 children, the youngest of whom later died in a car accident (not my ex BF).  I think of this mom often. When I saw her and introduced her to my child and told her about my widowed status, she said, "I never met anyone else.  But I have been happy."  Happy -that's saying a lot, especially with her double loss.  I felt like I was seeing the future.

Anyone else doing okay alone and not seeking another?  To be clear, I am not looking for analysis of my life as I have put it here, just reaching out to those who may have similar feelings post-loss. 

Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: TalksToAngels on December 20, 2015, 01:10:20 PM
Very similar situation. I am a bit further out and have felt the same. I had what I considered a great life, and found it compromised by people expecting me to recoupe, etc. I know pretty much I am self sufficient now. Learned a lot of lessons, and how to take care of myself. Very pertinent topic.
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: donswife on December 20, 2015, 01:11:41 PM
I am a little over a year from when My don died
for now I cannot picture myself with anyone else
My don would work some overnights so I was used to doing lots of things on my own
and had friends that I would do things with etc
I am prepared to be single and right now have no need to be out looking for someone
a fellow widower noticed I still have my wedding ring on (and dons on my necklace)
so until I feel I am no longer married to him I can't even think of anyone else
like you I feel like I won the lottery when I met don and chances of doing that again are slim
I appreciate you posting this as I am glad to see its OK to not be recoupled or even wanted to be
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: Mac on December 20, 2015, 08:33:22 PM
I was married for 27-1/2 years. I have been widowed for 3-1/2 years. At first I was more interested in dating and potentially remarrying.  Things did go well. It has been easy to meet women. People have introduced me to their friends, I?ve met women through social interaction and I have done online dating. Dating is so much easier compared to when I was a young man. I did enjoy the fact that so many women were interested in me. But as this ?journey? has progressed I have adjusted more to my ?new life.?

Early on, a couple of people said to me: ?So many men remarry in the first couple of years, but we don?t see you doing that. You and Cindy were such a great couple but you were both so independent.? There is much truth to that.

I did so much by myself when I was a child and when I was a young man. Exotic adventures done alone by choice. I miss Cindy so much, but with time I have adjusted to my new life. I don?t ever feel lonely or alone anymore. I do enjoy my time spent alone.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman. Sometimes it might be two or more weeks until we see each other. I am open to being in a long-term committed relationship. I am also quite content to be by myself. I?ll see what the future holds. I am optimistic and do trust in it.
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: soloact on December 20, 2015, 08:44:26 PM

Anyone else doing okay alone and not seeking another?  To be clear, I am not looking for analysis of my life as I have put it here, just reaching out to those who may have similar feelings post-loss.


I feel as you do. No interest at all in a SO. I think it would complicate my life. I miss my husband very much. Nothing more to add.
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: Sugarbell on December 20, 2015, 09:00:28 PM
Good for you CG!!!😊..

I had always been independent, living on my own..and didn't marry DH till I was 28. And when married was used to us being apart several days a week.

We all have different histories, experiences that shape how we handle different situations.

And I fell into the mistake of desperately needing someone to complete me after his death.(Something that was out of my usual self..but widowhood and pills can do that) ..And spent 4 years in some real messes.

I have said before my 2.5 years of being completely solo...was one of the best decisions I have made to date. I really healed and got to know myself.

Yes..I am now involved in a long term relationship....but honestly...I kinda like it when he leaves Sunday evening after the weekend. I like my space with my kids. And if it ended tomorrow...yes I would be upset...but I would be "Ok". I have learned to be happy alone. 😊

Glad to see this post.
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on December 20, 2015, 10:46:50 PM
Great post CG. I too flew solo on and off and then met DH in my early 30's. He did it for me. Head over heals with him. Now I'm not so interested in dating. I'm more interested in finding me as weird as that may sound but that's how I feel.
Hugs
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: TooSoon on December 20, 2015, 10:51:17 PM
CG, I didn't meet my husband until my thirties.  I'd lived lives before him and he'd lived lives before me. Reconciling and excising the detritus of those past lives was a big part of the bond we shared.  No gospel says you need a new partner now or ever.  It is your life to live as you wish to live it.  I think we're all pretty well schooled in the "you have to make your own happiness" school of thought.  Yet, stay open to whatever life might bring - "recoupling" isn't the only model for fulfillment, not by a long shot.  xo
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: widowat33 on December 20, 2015, 11:37:26 PM
Yes! Thank you for posting this!
For many of our married years hubby worked away, usually for two weeks at a time. I had to be independent, didn't have a choice. I loved the time we spent together, but was okay with the time apart too. I think that's why coping with the day to day stuff after he died wasn't all that hard, I was used to it. I was always the single one in high school, while all my friends had boyfriends, I just couldn't imagine anything serious when I was younger and of course the drama that came with teenaged relationships. I knew my dh liked me for several years before we got together I just wasn't ready for a relationship. But when the time came that I was ready it was amazing!
I'm not convinced I will ever experience that again..and I'm okay with that. Even though our time together was cut way too short, I'm grateful for him showing me how to love and be loved. Some people never get to experience that.
I am only a year and five months out, still early in some ways, and although sometimes I feel lonely I know I'm not ready for a relationship, and at this point I really can't see it in my future either. I have been doing a lot of self care and learning to be aware of my self identity, the biggest thing I think I've learned is that in order to be happy I don't need a partner, I just need to take care of myself, and do things that I enjoy doing. I see so many miserable married people and I feel sorry for them, and I see them look at me with pity when I'm doing things by myself,lol.
Yep I'm with you on this one and relieved that I'm not the only one!
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on December 21, 2015, 12:18:22 AM
Thanks all for the great responses.  The title of the thread was a bit misleading (and possibly offputting, sorry!)- I know very many fellow wids are just fine being alone and are independent, yet still found chapter 2s or seek a life partner.  I didn't mean it in a condescending way, as if to infer that if you are in the latter situation you are somehow not the former. I also validate the pain of those who seek a life partner, because in general I don't believe we are made to be alone. 

But I was and still am wondering if there are others who are doing okay on their own (from the perspective of not being a couple - I am so not okay as a solo parent, but that's a different thread) and not in or seeking a Chapter 2 now and possibly ever, and it seems like these people exist.  I feel less like a sore thumb, thanks for the responses.  I am glad to have a conversation and thread about this, and changed the thread title accordingly. 
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: Freelancing on December 21, 2015, 12:28:09 AM
I miss Cindy so much, but with time I have adjusted to my new life. I don?t ever feel lonely or alone anymore. I do enjoy my time spent alone.

Absolutely! I can't imagine it any other way!  ;)
DH was oh, so, special! We married eachother when we were both 30yrs old.
My DH worked out of town 5 days a week. I had the kids, I had to be independent.
I had a feeling something good would come of being on my own. The new me!  ;D

Canadiangirl,

Quote
Of course things may change, but I am not dating and have no desire to date.

That is so refreshing to know I'm not the only one! There has always been little or no support for widows who chose not to date.
I'm almost 9yrs out, still no desire to date. There's so much to do as well as explore.
 I'm doing those things DH and I had planned for our retirement that most people do - downsize. I'm sure we might have vacationed a bit more often. Day to day would have been spent filling up time with personal interests, meals together and maybe a dance class together. Nothing major. One thing I do know for certain we would never have been in any casinos!

Like yourself, I rediscovered power tools. I bought a set of Ryobi power tools. They're nice and light weight ... love them! I couldn't use any of DH's, they were just too heavy. I'm amazed at myself for learning to do so much more than I ever thought possible. Widowhood sucks, but it does get better when you know who you are and learn what you're made of.

Quote
I am happy to answer only to my child and myself, and I don't wish to share decision-making about my child with anyone.
I think you're very leveled headed, I thought and did the exact same thing. From the time I was a child I made a promise to never date or remarry if I became widowed with children till they were grown, Now they're grown and I'm still not interested. I'm single, not alone.
My father died when I was 9 months old, My mother remarried when I was 18 months old. She married a widower with a 16 month old plus 4 other kids. We were a family with 12 kids. He died when my step sister and I were 6 years old. She had gone to live with an aunt and uncle shortly after the marriage. As my siblings and step siblings grew older they began to put the time line together, from there on 2 at a time they became irrevocably resentful and bitter, started running away to different places around the US. Geez, all I remember was monthly going to the juvenile detention center to pick up one of them. One or more of them always seemed to be MIA.
My stepfather's youngest daughter attended his funeral only because her aunt and uncle brought her. His other 4 children did not attend. My siblings demanded I not attend. My mother died 5yrs ago, out of her 7 children, only myself and 2 brothers attended her funeral. One brother always addressed her by her first name and shook hands with her. One sister attended the mass only to chat with our cousins, but refused to walk her casket out to the hearse with me and our brothers. All 4 sisters attended the reception to hear the reading of the will which some how, some way were able to change. Court is finally over. They rarely, if ever, spoke to my mother much less visited. A good part of my life I wished they had never married, and tried to compensate for it. Sadly, my family nor my step siblings ever spent time together as individual families from the time of his death. Regardless of how much I tried to round up my family to be together it never happened. I begged my siblings to forgive her, to no avail. My mother lived miserably with the ramifications of remarrying early out from shortly after their wedding. It was brutal enough for her to become propably one of the most vicious, ruthless abusive mothers that roamed the earth another 45yrs.
My siblings refused to believe our mother ever loved our father. My step siblings refused to believe their father ever loved their mother (unfortunately, the girls don't beieve their father ever loved them and suffer from emotional issues - both brothers died from heroin overdoses). They never asked our mother "why" she remarried early on, in their minds, nothing would ever be a good enough reason. My mother became strong enough to hate her own children including me "Miss Fix It". I loved her, but due to her mental and physical abuse never said so till she was on her dying bed. I haven't seen my siblings since the funeral reception. My understanding is my sisters accidentally spilled their part of her ashes in a restaurant parking lot. I still can't believe instead of buying an urn they used an old candy tin they bought at Goodwill.

That's the reason it became so important to demonstrate to my kids strength, courage, character building to become strong and independent.
They get it ! I have so much pride in them! :)

I've been judged mercilessly for my decisions. Noooo, they don't understand what my life was like as a young child nor as a widow nor do they really care. Its all about thinking the quick fix is dating and remarriage. All I can hope for is if they become widowed they consider their children and not wind up living their life like my mother. I still find alot of sadness for it, and occasionally I weep for my mother. They say there is a reason for everything, my guess is it hhas been to keep me on the straight and narrow to influence my kids the best way possible.

The World Is Your Oyster!
Best wishes!


*Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.*
Albert Schweitzer
Title: OK being alone and not recoupled or seeking to recouple
Post by: canadiangirl on December 21, 2015, 12:54:37 AM
I'm single, not alone.

Thank you for the response, freelancing.  It sounds like you had a rough childhood, I am sorry.  I do think that people can successfully recouple and blend families, and balance the needs of a child/children and a new partner -people do it all the time, including many on these boards.  I think it's amazing and I am truly happy for those widows who find a Chapter 2.  I'm not closed to anything that might happen in my future, just not looking and comfortable with that.  Sounds like you have similar feelings.   
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: MrsDan on December 21, 2015, 10:49:10 AM
I am dating, so I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I often thought, and still do, that it was very important to have a safe place for people to discuss their desire not to recouple. Because for many, including myself for a very long time, it was a dominant feeling, one that I didn't really have any place to express. It was a feeling I took tremendous comfort in, and I think verbalizing it would have been helpful to me.

Dating is one area in my grief where I never felt any pressure from people in my real life, and I think it has impacted me tremendously in a positive way. Other things I felt like people tried to force on me, like celebrating holidays, for example, and those are areas I still have more trouble dealing with. Unlike a lot of young widows, I never got the, "you're young, you'll find someone else" spiel. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. I did hear it from other widows, not entirely in those words, but in a "never say never" kind of way. I didn't understand that. I thought, if never gives me comfort, why are you trying to take that away from me? Why can't I express this opinion that I feel with such intensity, without feeling like people were trying to invalidate it?

I know it was coming from a good place. That people who experienced happiness with new loves wanted other widows to experience that feeling. And I will say, I'm glad that I've met the guy I'm seeing, and it's working for me right now. But I would still never tell someone, oh, you'll change your mind, I did, or something like that. Maybe people will, and maybe they won't, but it's not my place to comment on whether they will or won't, or whether they should or shouldn't. It's my place, in the context of the widowed community, to provide validation of the feelings widowhood engenders, even those I have not personally experienced. I think we are so mindful of validating those who choose to recouple because we understand that people who choose to do so may feel conflicted, that we (royal we, meaning widowed communities) inadvertently may make those who choose not to feel invalidated.

My sense is that if dating had been pushed on me I would have been even more resistant. It might have become a more conscious choice, rather than what I simply felt. Instead, what ended up happening is that I just changed my mind. It wasn't particularly gradual; I didn't want it all, and then I did. I think if other people had tried to force their ideas in me I would have wrestled with it a lot more. But there were times I felt very alone in my intense desire not to recouple. I didn't want to express it, as much because I didn't want to invalidate those who were dating as because I didn't want to be invalidated myself.

Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Quixote on December 21, 2015, 11:44:59 AM
I guess I'm in a similar, yet different, place.  I hate being single.  My relationship with my late wife was pretty much the center of both of our lives, and I feel completely empty without her.  Oh, I've learned to live and cherish each day as the gift that it is, yatatata, but I don't feel complete without her.  Call it the cliche of being two halves of the same person.

For all the fact that the loneliness is overpowering at times, I can't bring myself to actively seek out another relationship.  At four years out, I'm beginning to think that's the new normal for me.  It's hardly a happy place, but I suppose it's better than a string of dysfunctional dating experiences.  I'm open to the idea of a meeting someone new, I just doubt very much that it will happen.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Freelancing on December 21, 2015, 05:30:17 PM
Quote
Thank you for the response, freelancing. It sounds like you had a rough childhood, I am sorry. I do think people can successfully recouple and blend families, and balance the needs of a child/children and a new partner -people do it all the time, including on these boards. I think its amazing and I am truly happy for those widows who find their Chapter 2,

Thank for your response and compassion.  ;)
Widowhood is Chapter 2 of my life. I do not think of it as a state of limbo or dismiss it in any way. Who knows I might chose to stay single the rest of my life. That train of thought gives the impression my life is/was worthless after DH's death. I would never be a person if I never recoupled or remarried. I'm here, I'm alive and living a new life I created for myself without regret.

I've never read about a well balanced marriage with blended families these boards or any other, so I can't attest to it. I can only hope there are.

It is terribly unfortunate my mother and step father's marriage early on effected 12 children including myself; its our history and we are an example of what can happen when decisions are made during active grief. It shaped our futures, even though we are very educated, we all starved for love. My 72yr old sister after completing a successful career as a school teacher became homeless by choice after suffering a second trauma, divorce. We all have suffered from PTSD being part of a dysfunctional family. We have all had our PTSD come back worse than ever whenever we experienced a second trauma. For me, it was DH's death. We've all had our battles with hoarding to fill the void stemming from childhood. Whatever fairy tale my mother and step father had in mind it was for themselves only, they tried to whip their children into accepting it -we had absolutely no control over where our lives were beinh taken even though the older siblings tried to prevent the abuse or simply ran away to av?id beatings with a broomstick or extention cord, Can you ever imagine leaving younger siblings behind to save youself as well as the tremendous guilt from it. There wasn't a day that went by when one or more were MIA. I always went with my mother to what was then called the juvenile delinquent center to retrieve one or two of my siblings.It still pains me to think about it, but at least now I can cope with it.

Thanks all for the great responses.  The title of the thread was a bit misleading (and possibly offputting, sorry!)- I know very many fellow wids are just fine being alone and are independent, yet still found chapter 2s or seek a life partner.  I didn't mean it in a condescending way, as if to infer that if you are in the latter situation you are somehow not the former. I also validate the pain of those who seek a life partner

I was overwhelmed with delight to see you post!
As far as I'm concerned there is no need to apologize for your previous title. I dont think or feel like a victim any more, therefore I saw no condescension whatsoever. We are single widows with a different mindset than those who are dating or remarried. Just as widowed parents and widows without children are. Our mindset keeps us in check as we strive for our goals. People who don't get it probably don't realize we have our own set of issues to stay mindful of as well as our own recovery. I always closed a thread that triggered me.

To date, there has never been a category exclusively for single widows. I never once received any support on-line; it was accomplished through PMs, email and phone calls. You bet it infuriated single widows to have to resort to those methods of communication instead of being like everyone else posting freely and openly. We wanted to discuss singlehood without being flamed with name calling such as martyr, holy roller, virtuous virgin, prune p..sy, goody two shoes; these names were often used. It felt like we had to hide. No one cared how we felt, and because of it, sides were drawn. I never once asked to be coddled or flamed anyone because of it. What it did do was force me to take responsibility for my own shit without placing blame on others for how I felt or reacted.

My own mother use to tell me with shifting weird eyes I needed to get married so I would get over it and at least look normal. I never knew normal looked like that! Still creepy! But then again, it was the norm/acceptable back in the 60s to beat ones own kids without repercussion.
What is sad is my mother allowed herself to be triggered/controlled by the words "married too soon". She always complained about being unhappy, but when anyone identified the problem as a catalyst for her to make a truly sincere amends for it as well as forgive herself to move on to build a better life, she just went ballistic. Bless those family members who tried to intervene, they were strong enough not to feel as if they had to walk on eggshells to be honest with her. Mother never seemed to have gotten over it till she was so old she was ready to die. Who knows why my mother harmed herself like that.
I, myself, use to be constantly triggered by the words "dating and remarriage. I felt angry by the constant bombardment of threads pertaining to either or both during a time I felt and thought like a victim. It was no ones fault but my own that I felt like that. After months of that rage, I chose to get over it to prevent skirmishes, being haunted by it and to not become like my mother -rest in peace wild woman.  :'(

I look forward to more topics from you!  ;D
Freelancing ------
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on December 21, 2015, 07:30:27 PM
I often thought, and still do, that it was very important to have a safe place for people to discuss their desire not to recouple.

It's my place, in the context of the widowed community, to provide validation of the feelings widowhood engenders, even those I have not personally experienced. I think we are so mindful of validating those who choose to recouple because we understand that people who choose to do so may feel conflicted, that we (royal we, meaning widowed communities) inadvertently may make those who choose not to feel invalidated.

But there were times I felt very alone in my intense desire not to recouple. I didn't want to express it, as much because I didn't want to invalidate those who were dating as because I didn't want to be invalidated myself.

Thanks for articulating things so beautifully, MrsDan.  I hesitated to create this thread precisely because I didn't want to seem like I was invalidating the pain and views of those who seek to recouple or who have found someone new.  I don't feel superior or like "I got this", not at all (see solo parent angst).  But I do think a little corner of the board needs to be created as a safe space for those who self-identify along these lines to express that it's okay to actually prefer to be alone going forward, or not to be looking, and acknowledge this without judgement.  You have captured perfectly what I strongly believe the primary purpose of a place like this should be:  a safe place, to vent or articulate thoughts without judgement, and for people to validate and support one another.  Thanks for getting it, and as mentioned I am happy for you and others who are in new relationships.  It inspires me, it is brave in many ways, and it is not for me.   ;)
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Freelancing on December 21, 2015, 10:27:10 PM
I hesitated to create this thread precisely because I didn't want to seem like I was invalidating the pain and views of those who seek to recouple or who have found someone new.  I don't feel superior or like "I got this", not at all (see solo parent angst).  But I do think a little corner of the board needs to be created as a safe space for those who self-identify along these lines to express that it's okay to actually prefer to be alone going forward, or not to be looking, and acknowledge this without judgement.

There is a safe place for them under Relationships/Remarriage (I never ever open it, that is their domain). We also share Social Encounters and General Discussion with them. Where is our exclusive safe place?
Don't ever hesitate in posting issues/questions regarding singlehood. Everyone has the choice to open or close any thread they find offensive. No matter the circumstances we have the choice to endure &/or take a time out whenever we are overwhelmed. No one is responsible for ones own choices or trigger reaction in such matters. Blatant deliberate provocation or targeting an individual(s) or group of people is just cause for a complaint to the moderators ... not conjecture, which I am not a fan of at all.
Even facts and helpful suggestions more often than not sound like judgements/opinions. I, for one, have made good sound suggestions to decompress grief, provided support and encouragement. Geez, oh peet, suggestions I value, I developed during my own personal experience with grief! They were dismissed in favor of a trigger reaction being more important. What can you do when a person is blinded by grief to see the big picture? *sigh*

Hells bells, I can"t remember if I was going to add anything else because the door bell is ringing. My daughter is stopping by to "borrow" tape and probably raid the pantry. I should've sold them to the gypsies when I was grieving -never a moments peace even though they no longer live with me!  :P
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Shawn823 on December 21, 2015, 10:43:34 PM
CG, I am in the same place as you. The thought of seeking a new relationship just never crosses my mind--ever. I knew my husband for over 29 years as very close friends and soul mates, but didn't marry him until I was forty. I was very content living solo, but even happier sharing my life and home with him. But now, I am back to solo and it works for me. I am fortunate to have a close network of friends and family, including my 26 yo SD. I am very lonely for DH, the person and our connection, but not for a new relationship. Mrs. Dan's thoughts resonate very much with my own. If something changes, I'm not opposed, but stumbling across a special someone who I could imagine evoking that significant a change in my thinking and feeling seems very unlikely to me, especially since I'm not putting any effort into trying. I do enjoy reading about the wonderful new relationships that other widows have found, but I don't feel envy, just happiness for their new found joy.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: SoVerySad on December 21, 2015, 11:25:26 PM
I am in a similar position. While I loved being married and miss my husband desperately still, it is him I miss - not just being part of a couple. I've surprised myself with the comfort level I've reached to being by myself. I was completely panicked about it for quite a while as I had started dating my husband at 16 and we never spent more than a few days apart for work meetings in our 27 years of marriage. I am lonely for friends as he was also my best friend, but I've had no desire to date. In honesty, even after 2.5 years I still feel married with the exception of not having my co-parent or helper for all the responsibilities.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: running with scissors on December 22, 2015, 07:29:03 AM
Will be going on 6 years soon since I lost my husband.  I have no interest in dating.  I miss my husband.  I still cry for our loss, that he and I won't grow old together.  I am ok alone, sad at times, but couldn't see myself with another.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on December 22, 2015, 09:47:10 PM
Thanks again for the responses.  I think it must be really hard to have had a significant amount of time with one's spouse (20+ years, some of you said), and then re-establish a new identity after this.  When you've been part of a couple so long, I imagine it changes you in fundamental ways.  I had only 6 years, which may help to explain why I feel in some ways I am just taking up the cape of my former life, interrupted.  When well-meaning people IRL say that they want me to find someone else, not to be alone, to be honest I want to let out an existential yell in their faces (glad to report I just smile though).  Thanks for helping me feel less isolated- why I appreciate these boards. 

I would still love to hear from others who happen upon this thread now or in the future who are in the same position.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on December 22, 2015, 10:24:46 PM
Hey CG, 21 yrs or 6 yrs doesn't matter when they are your one love. I know what you are saying with time together but don't diminish your pain or loss by time together. It is just as profound even though a tad different. You have a lovely soul :)
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: MissinGrizz on December 23, 2015, 07:09:07 AM
Only you know what's right for you.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: TalksToAngels on December 23, 2015, 09:04:53 AM
I've thought about this for a while. Truth is I never have found anyone I would like to join forces with again. I had so much in common w my Wife we were inseparable. Even my Mom has said, you won't ever find what you had again. There wasn't a day in our time together of any jealousy, playing games (which I have dated exclusively several times to find out the person wasn't what they portrayed (hard to explain). I'm at a point where I know i won't change. Sure I'd love to date, meet someone nice, but something that rang in my ear, someone told me, who was (is) much wiser than me, he said if you have to "work" at a relationship, or things don't fall into place naturally, it's like fighting a rip tide. And they were so right.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Catnip on December 23, 2015, 12:15:09 PM
I keep telling myself I?m ok being alone and not seeking anyone because it?s been 9 years for me. I dated my husband for 4 years and we were married for 26. I married to set up a house and raise a family. I did all that. And, I had him broken in just the way I liked him! I?ve found out that I can do this alone (altho I still hate doing the trash). I have the same house, same job, same kids. I like my own bedroom now and my own closet. I guess I?m used to it by now.

I have a few problems:
I?m Catholic. That means I can?t marry a divorced man (stupid rule).

Men who have never married are men who I would hardly have anything in common with since I have raised a family. Not many unmarried men my age (I?m 60 now).

Widowers my age are not around. I belong to a widows and widowers Meetup Group in my area and men hardly ever attend.

Next time I?m marrying someone younger than me seeing as how it turned out that we were both the same age. Again, how?s that going to happen?

I?m petrified of attempting on-line dating.

I?m now 9 years older, probably look it and definitely feel it.

Where do I go from here? I can make a New Year?s Resolution to date this year, but I don?t know what to look for. Or rather, I?d like to find someone who can cook and who is rich. I guess I?m too picky this time.

So at this moment, I?m ok with being alone. Really I am.  Really.
I?m ok, I?m ok, I?m ok. Really.

PS
I?m still wearing my engagement and wedding rings, on my left hand, right where he put them.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Jen on December 23, 2015, 12:43:16 PM
I'm alone. That fact gets drilled into my head every night when I climb into bed and every morning when I open my eyes and pretty much every minute in between. I honestly don't think that will ever change. Am I okay with it? ... good question.

Sometimes I am. I've always been a loner. I'm an introvert, happiest with my own company. I have to confess that there were times when LH was too clingy, wanted too much of my attention. Just before he died, we had a bit of a blow-up because he hadn't wanted to leave the house in a week and I was getting cabin fever-- the next day I drove 5 hours to Dallas by myself, with his blessing. It was his birthday. He died three days later. I will never, ever forgive myself for that.

But the reality is that I do just fine on my own... most of the time. I spend my days off alone, and often I find excuses to leave my family for an hour or two on days when we're all off together. I prefer to be in my room or my car by myself. Throughout my adult life I've been self-sufficient-- I've always been the breadwinner and bill-payer and house manager. I guess that's a good thing... some wids have to learn all that cold. I do fine with the nuts and bolts of singledom, although I hate, hate, HATE being a single parent. I did not sign up for that!

So, as I say... I'm usually okay. Except when I'm not. Except when I wake up in the dark, cold and alone and terrified. Or when my co-workers are laughing about their various spouses' latest hijinks and I have to slip into the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. Or some random moment in the day when all I need is one person with whom I do not share mitochondrial DNA to tell me, "It's okay, I'm here, I love you."

As much as it hurts me to say this, or even to think it, I do not believe there will ever be such a person for me again. Now my herculanean task is to learn to be okay with it. I don't know if I can... but I'm trying.

Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Max2507 on December 23, 2015, 01:35:42 PM
I feel like it is very important to be ok alone and focus on yourself. I too married later after being independent. We both had a brief previous marriage. We had dated several others before dating each other. We had something together that neither of us had experienced with anyone else. We just clicked and got each other. I guess I don't think I could get that lucky twice in a lifetime and at this point don't feel like putting any effort into it. I am lonely at times, craving physical attention, and would love to have someone to do activities I want to do that mostly need a partner (camping, backpacking) but just see potentially having a buddy not a relationship.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: SimiRed on December 23, 2015, 02:34:41 PM
I'm ok being alone too.  I guess after what I've been through, (not my late dh, but the abuser after...) I'm scared to trust anyone.  No way am I trying dating sites since I've heard too many stories of what is out there.  Sure, there has got to be decent people on them, but I guess that I will never find out since I won't create a profile.

Like Max, I am not sure I can get lucky twice in a lifetime.  I am thankful for the years I had with my late DH, and yes, it gets overwhelmingly lonely but it's okay.  Time to take care of me and my son.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Eddienhp on December 25, 2015, 07:42:30 AM
This is a great topic. I too feel the same way. I am just over 4 years out. I was with my husband for 18 years. We were business partners, soulmates, parents and friends. In the last few years before he died our relationship wasn't the best. It was strained by parenting a special needs child (autism/ADHD) and a new baby (typically developing). I was overwhelmed by working full time, caring for two small children, and maintaining a household. I felt my husband didn't help as much as he should have. None the less, I truly loved him. He gave me many gifts money can't buy; restored faith, self confidence, business mentorship, a beautiful stepdaughter and two children.

I do not have a desire to date. Sure I think about it. Sometimes even fantasize about it. The reality is my husband is irreplaceable. He was such a big part of every aspect of my life. I had my children late in life. Most men my age have kids in their 20s not under 10 like I do. You are right, I do not wish to share decision making regarding my children with someone else. There is also the autism factor. My son is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. It takes a lot of planning, tons of research to advocate effectively with the school district, managing government programs, teaching him, etc. I have no time to myself and I struggle to balance the attention my son gets with time to give my daughter attention. I simply just don't know where another person would fit in my life. They would have to follow me around as I tend to my responsibilities. I am sure that wouldn't be very rewarding or interested for them.

Some of my friends have asked about me dating again. I try to explain it to them but I don't think they understand it. Maybe because they can't see themselves living alone. I have heard it all; you are too young, you have no time to yourself, a man can help, etc. They don't understand I have no desire. They really don't know how consuming autism can be. I wouldn't change my son for anything. He is a beautiful soul with a kind spirit and amazing gift of creativity. I know he is meant for something great. My problem is not with him. It's with the school and government who are paid to help/take care of his needs and they don't unless I press them. I wish they would just do the jobs they are paid for, make our path easier and provide what my son clearly needs. It affects our family greatly. It takes time away from my kids because I am researching, making tons of calls, writing emails/faxes/letters, etc. Anyways, I kind of got off the topic but I think you can how a man would choose to pass up on a relationship with me. Who knows, maybe when I am older and my kids are grown I might consider a relationship. For now I feel blessed I experienced true love in my life. I am content with where I am. I realize I need time alone to resolve some of my own issues.

I think it's wonderful some of our fellow widows/widowers go onto recouple. I am always happy to see it and share in their joy. I as well as you are on a different path. Alone doesn't mean lonely.

My best to all of you,
Eileen
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Mr C on December 28, 2015, 03:09:36 AM
Love is a beautiful thing; I enjoy reading about my friends on the forum who find the love they are searching for. However, recoupling is not something I desire for myself.

At 22 months out, I still feel married to my wife. I start every day telling her that I love her and complete every night the same way. I talk to her all the time, write to her and still get her cards for special occasions including this past week for Christmas.

It sucks not having her here with me to enjoy what was supposed to be our time together with the kids starting to leave the house. I do feel very lonely without her. However, the thought of being with anyone else sickens me. I cherish the fact that all of my memories are with her. While thousands of kisses and hand holdings can blur together, I know that those and so many other moments were only shared with her.

At the age of 17, I knew that I wanted to find that ONE special person to build a life and family with. I grew up with my father and it was his second marriage that had an impact on my desires. His second came along after he was successful; and there was something I saw in that relationship that I didn?t like long before it eventually failed. It shaped what I was looking for in a life partner.

When I met my wife, I knew right away that she was the ONE. We talked ever since about the life we wanted to build together, how we wanted to raise our kids and even what life would be like when they grew up and had kids of their own. It saddens me that she won?t be here when that day comes to have grandchildren?she would have been the best grandmother.

Though life hasn?t gone as planned, it doesn?t mean that everything has to change. My heart still says that she was the ONE (and only). The life we created is still in motion. Our plans don?t all go away because she isn?t here. It is important to me to carry out the commitments that I made to her, to me, to us.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: TalksToAngels on December 28, 2015, 11:42:06 PM
Edited.
Certainly didn't mean to offend anyone.
Thanks for the chimes ins.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Mr C on December 29, 2015, 12:28:42 PM
Why is it that we cannot have a thread on being okay alone without having someone feel the need to come in and invalidate that view. I thought that I was pretty clear in my post about how deep rooted my desire of being alone is.  I am not worried about guarding my heart from pain. For the love I shared with my wife is worth all of the pain that I am having to endure. I would do it all over again. But I only want to do it with her.

Just one regular person in real life had the nerve to tell me that I will find someone else. That was a couple weeks in and I read them the riot act. However, I have had several widowers try to tell me that I will eventually recouple. These people don't know me. There is so much more I want to say right now, but I don't want to invalidate the views of wids that want to find someone else. I have been around here long enough to see how valid of a view that is. But it is also okay not to recouple. And that is what I am choosing.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: RobFTC on December 29, 2015, 03:02:30 PM
Why is it that we cannot have a thread on being okay alone without having someone feel the need to come in and invalidate that view.

Word, Mr. C.  I wondered the same thing a few posts back.  Your choices are your choices.

Take care,
Rob T
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: soloact on December 29, 2015, 06:43:39 PM
Why is it that we cannot have a thread on being okay alone without having someone feel the need to come in and invalidate that view.

Misery loves company.  ;)
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Torn on December 29, 2015, 08:51:04 PM
I missed the fireworks,but he'll respect for each individual choices,for me is most important.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: soloact on December 29, 2015, 09:35:31 PM
Torn, there were no fireworks just a post that was a little OT. We're all good.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Quixote on December 30, 2015, 02:36:47 PM
At 22 months out, I still feel married to my wife. I start every day telling her that I love her and complete every night the same way. I talk to her all the time, write to her and still get her cards for special occasions including this past week for Christmas.

Snipped, but so much of your entire post speaks to me.  I am still very much married to my wife (4 years since losing her).  Unlike you, I'm not completely adverse to meeting someone else, but that's more of an intellectual than a gut feeling.  My wife and I were beyond close, and pretty much two halves of the same person.  People used to joke that I'd married my sister, but that isn't true--  my actual sister is not vaguely as much like me as my wife was.  Add in 23 years of marriage where we hated being out of sight of each other (barely survived going out to sea when I was in the Navy).  We grew up together and were shaped by our life experiences together.

Bottom line, I realize that there's absolutely no way of reproducing that sort of shared life with someone new.  I'm lonely as hell, but yeah, when it comes down to it, I'm lonely for HER, not some hypothetical new woman.  Maybe lightning will strike twice--  but even if it does, said hypothetical lady will have to accept that I'm still in love with someone else.  Even if if HNW is okay with that, there will also remain the question of whether I'm okay with that.  I may never be.
Title: Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
Post by: Freelancing on January 02, 2016, 08:28:54 AM
the bond we shared.

Here's another good descriptive word:

CATHEXIS- In psychoanalysis, it is defined as the process of investment of mental and emotional energy in a person, object or idea.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: keeptrying on January 05, 2016, 08:26:29 PM
I can't imagine being truly happy with someone else. I told my husband all the time that he was all I ever dreamed of, and then some. I lived for him, happily lived to make him proud. My dad tells me, you will never find another like him. My daughter told me the other day.. I never saw a couple love like you and him.  - What are my options.. to settle... Sounds depressing. The insane dating game with who knows what is out there. I heard horror stories. I am a wife, that is what I know. Now what?  Is it even worth the bother and torment of meeting new people and going through that mess.. knowing you can never have what you once had. If you had it all.. that leaves you with nothing to look forward to. I have no desire to date.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Bear Shannon on January 05, 2016, 09:34:00 PM
I'm ok alone.

I'd be ok as a couple.

Life is an adventure.

 8)  8)  8)
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Nuggets on January 16, 2016, 07:07:27 AM
I thought this Robin Williams quote was straight-through-the-heart accurate for my situation:

"I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone."

I also KNOW that being comfortable with yourself and enjoying your own company will make you a better companion for someone else -- I have dated quite a bit in the past 10 years and in a lot of cases it was me, not them, that was the 'problem'.  In that same 10 years I was in two semi-serious relationships that did not go the distance -- it was me, it was he, it was us.  In both cases there wasn't a desire or will to share space, share a future or continue the way things had been (both LDR's -- one couldn't resolve, one wouldn't... I was OK with both.)

I had magic once, I want that again ~ I'm prepared to wait for it.

Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: TalksToAngels on January 17, 2016, 11:26:47 PM
Nuggets you are way smarter, than me.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Bear Shannon on January 22, 2016, 03:08:41 AM
Nuggets you are way smarter, than me.

Smarter (and prettier) than me too.  :)
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: ieh21 on February 08, 2016, 11:07:36 PM
I would like to be recoupled, but I have no intention to cause my life to be disrupted by an active search for someone. So unless someone is thrown at me randomly...

On the one hand, I'm pretty satisfied focusing on work, on th girls ans on my life. Pretty comfy making my own decisions. However, sometimes I wish there was someone in my life. I think it's a waste of my romantic potential to be single. I'm also missing the physical part. I'd like an adult to comfort me and damnit I hate changing lightbulbs!

But I also know the sotry of a man who died at a 100, widower since he was 40. Raised his three sons alone at a time when everyone thought this was not possible for a man to do. He made the decision to focus on his sons. He's a friend's grandfather. I never met him but visit him every time I'm at the cemetary. It'll be ok, he silently tells me. And I get great comfort from it.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Sugarbell on February 09, 2016, 08:07:03 AM
I enjoy having a male friend as a companion to do things with.

We are honest and exclusive.

At 44...with 3 school age kids....I honestly see nothing but stress and a headache if you throw in marriage or just living together even.

But that's just me. That was my attitude 2 yrs ago, 1 year ago and today.

Don't see it changing anytime soon. Blending kids, homes, finances, living arrangements, customs, etc. Lord just thinking about it gives me a migraine. When my kids are older possibly...I will have the energy/focus to do it. Now...that is uneccessary stress I don't need.

It shocks me IRL that people look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them I don't want to be married right now.

Really...I don't understand the appeal at this stage of my life.🙄
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: kjs1989 on February 09, 2016, 03:53:52 PM
Yep Sugarbell, I agree. I like having a guy to be my companion, be in my court, be my sounding board, have my back, and take my side when need be. I like having someone to cook a good meal for so I don't revert to  standing by the sink eating toast for dinner like I did back in my single 20s. I like having someone to nurture since I am an empty-nester these days. I like having someone to travel with and be a constant on Saturday night.

But, yeah, marriage sounds exhausting and complicated...the blending of families and finances. I think I actually thought about it more shortly after being widowed than I do now. At that time I just could not imagine NOT being married. It was all I knew.  But now, I have kind of found a "normal."  I own my house. I spend my own money how I please. I come and go as I want. I can read in bed at night without someone telling me to turn the light off.

Maybe I will change my mind at some point. I just live my life a day at a time. When I was married I could imagine the future with my husband and how it might play out as the kids got older.  I have no vision of the future now. None. I have kind of accepted it.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Captains wife on February 10, 2016, 08:16:03 AM
I read a lot of the responses on this thread with interest as its a topic I have thought about a lot. I started dating about 14 months after my husband died and I desperately wanted to re-couple, I felt so lonely. Re-marriage was a real desire for me, and having a male figure in my young son's life. But I have been trying to date for almost 3 years and I've failed miserably at recoupling, even if I have had fun in the process. In a way, I miss being married as I loved the stability of it (especially with my son) but as time goes on, I too am getting more comfortable alone - and just being a family of two.  There was a fair amount of drama in my marriage to my LH and I don't miss that. I am enjoying my new friendships, time with my son and spending quality with me and getting over the loss of my husband/my son's father. I admittedly enjoyed having a boyfriend when I did but the angst that went along with it too didn't help my grief - and it took away from my family and work time.

At one point I thought I saw myself re-married again (and I wanted this for my son) but honestly I am not sure I am cut out for it anymore - and I don't want to bring my son into a situation that doesn't eventually work out. A number of people have said to me - "well, you haven't met the right person"....Maybe that is true but a part of it as well is that I enjoy my space and I enjoy my alone time with my son. (While I love socializing, I too am a bit of a loner).  I am on a dating break for the foreseeable future and while ideally I would like to meet someone down the road - my "ideal" situation is to be in a committed, communicative, supportive relationship where we would spend some quality time together but also quality time apart. My last relationship fell apart, in part, as we didn't have enough quality time together and the lines of communication weren't open enough when we were apart. But I think with the right person my ideal situation could work. I also know that full time co-habitation hasn't worked well for me in the past.  I have even thought about the idea of being re-married but would prefer 2 living spaces so we could each have our own space for part of the week and then we could be together for the other part of the week? Is that crazy?
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: daysofelijah on February 10, 2016, 10:06:43 AM
I don't think your wish for two living spaces is crazy Captains wife. It doesn't sound all that bad to me. BF and I had a planning conversation about how to combine our families and while I think it will all be worth it in the end, it sounds scary and so much work and unknowns and disruptions for the kids. He really wants me to move with my kids into his house, the house he bought with his x-wife 20 years ago. I told him under no circumstances would I do that. I'm willing to move to his town, but my condition is that we buy a new house. So I left him with that to think about for now.

I've grown comfortable in the last 3.5 years "alone". I like being able to make life decisions by myself, pay my bills, buy things when I want without asking someone, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on tv, sit on the couch and zone out on the computer all day if I want to, stuff like that that. Getting remarried will change all that. It will also be a huge change as far as privacy. Living with his two teenage boys will be a change in how comfortable I am in how I do things (walking to/from the bathroom with just a towel on, taking off the bra at the end of the day, stuff like that, lol).

So will it really be worth it? Worth the change and likely resistance from our kids? Idk, it's a lot to think about. I think the longer I stay single though, the harder it will be, so waiting for me would probably just make things even harder. I can see myself staying single, moving into a small townhouse and traveling places I've always wanted to go once the kids are grown. That doesn't sound all that bad, but it would be lonely.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: twistedmensa on February 12, 2016, 06:18:57 PM

I've grown comfortable in the last 3.5 years "alone". I like being able to make life decisions by myself, pay my bills, buy things when I want without asking someone, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on tv, sit on the couch and zone out on the computer all day if I want to, stuff like that.


You took the words right out of my mouth. I recently removed myself from the two dating sites I had signed up for. I may change my mind in the future, but for now, I'm perfectly happy flying solo.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Nuggets on February 23, 2016, 10:16:49 AM
I thought of this thread last week after coming home from my first date in over a year --- I am not on any dating sites or actively pursuing romance, booty or companionship.  This came from an exchange started almost a year ago about living in Costa Rica via PM in a Closed Facebook group -- we have kept in touch sporadically after an initial * click * ..... he is an American from Oregon / PNW, I am a Canadian from north and west.  Typically this environment is Valhalla for older white men -- particularly those with secure income.  The sweet young Nicas/Ticas/Columbianas will find a older white (ie. non-local) guy with money attractive no matter how few hairs, how big the beer gut or how few teeth...  and there is a sad story that usually ends with a Gringo finding themselves paying child support out of their pensions.  It is probably the best time of my life -- because there are NO expectations for an older, chubber Canuck lady.... and I can pretty much do, say, act and wear however/whatever I please - it has been quite liberating.  So, I was quite surprised that he expressed interest in meeting me -- I also suspect he has sampled the local wares, there have been several long lapses in communication ;) but we're all adults.

I briefly thought about dressing up for lunch on the beach -- and then thought:  I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be dressing up for me, so I will wear CLEAN shorts and my nicer flip flops.  (My hunch was correct.)

I was once anxious and nervous about all this, now it's like going to an appointment -- sometimes necessary, not always unpleasant and minutiae for discussion when it's all over.

I am happy with my life, I had magic -- magic is fabulous, it would be nice to have it again.... mediocre just isn't gonna cut it. 
And to be fair:  It's probably me, I've met some nice guys -- like the guy on Wednesday.  I didn't think I would hear from him again -- but was surprised to get an email 3 days later:  '...it was nice to meet me' and to 'stay cool' --- not particularly effusive, but mannerly and polite.

I have a suitcase to pack for El Salvador, a compost pile that should be turned and a garden and greenhouse needing my attention --- I'm too busy for courting and acting cute.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: hachi on February 24, 2016, 07:56:49 AM
Nuggets, I still want to be you when I grow up!
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on February 26, 2016, 10:43:19 PM
I'm too busy for courting and acting cute.

^^  This!   


Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on February 26, 2016, 10:53:38 PM
But I also know the story of a man who died at 100, widower since he was 40. Raised his three sons alone at a time when everyone thought this was not possible for a man to do. He made the decision to focus on his sons. He's a friend's grandfather. I never met him but visit him every time I'm at the cemetary. It'll be ok, he silently tells me. And I get great comfort from it.

I love this story, thanks ieh21.

I really appreciate that the mods pinned this post to create a little easy-to-find space on this topic.  Before I forget, I wanted to re-post something that has already been put up elsewhere on this board.  It's the piece from Brain Pickings on How To Be Alone, and parts of it are relevant to some of the discussions taking place here.  Thanks again to all those who have responded to date.  I read every post with interest, and am very grateful for all views.

https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/09/03/how-to-be-alone-school-of-life/ (https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/09/03/how-to-be-alone-school-of-life/)




Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: mo12 on March 08, 2016, 10:14:50 PM
Thanks for this thread.  I haven't been on the widda boards for quite awhile but it really is reassurring to know you all are here.   I also met DH in my early 30s so already had experience managing life on my own- owned a house, travelled a lot, great career... once I met him though I couldn't imagine ever being apart, until we were.  I am still trying to figure out who I am now... I don't really want to be the person I was before I met him- I was previously pretty career driven and intense, and that's just not me anymore.  I admit I am lonely, so maybe I won't be on my own forever, but I respect that frame of mind and truly believe a life without a partner can be absolutely as fulfilling as a coupled life. I'm blabbering on but what I mean to say I don't know if I'll ever re-couple.  It's been two years and I've been on a few dates, but more so because i feel like I should not because i have any interest.  My daughter and I together feel like a family.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: kjs1989 on March 10, 2016, 07:11:31 PM
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Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: kjs1989 on March 10, 2016, 07:26:09 PM
Oh, no! , I just realized I posted in the wrong thread. The above post  was supposed to go in On-line Dating Vents! I have no idea how to delete it or move it!  I will keep trying! Sorry!!!
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Nuggets on March 16, 2016, 03:04:06 PM
Nuggets, I still want to be you when I grow up!

Don't grow up!  It's a wicked trap ~~ I tried it once and didn't like it, longest 20 minutes of my life

:P
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: TalksToAngels on April 09, 2016, 08:28:45 AM
Shit I blinked and 7 years passed by.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Taurus on May 22, 2016, 04:10:09 PM
....
Anyone else doing okay alone and not seeking another?  To be clear, I am not looking for analysis of my life as I have put it here, just reaching out to those who may have similar feelings post-loss.

Have just seen this great thread. I'm 14 months since my soulmate departed and I honestly do not see myself recoupling in the foreseeable future. My beloved and I were together for 35 years, married 3 days shy of 30, and there's just no desire nor need for me to even think about a new relationship. I would forever be comparing any female to my beloved: tall, slim, great body, even greater personality, totally loyal to each other...

I'm an only child and before I met my soulmate I was a solo free spirit enjoying life, doing what I wanted when I wanted and with whom I wanted. This probably makes it easier for me to live a life without another woman in it: I already have 2 in my life (26- and 15-year-old daughters) who remind me so much of their mum it helps the emptiness.

I've had to learn new skills, house duties, Mr. Mum tolerance and patience, Dalai Lama wisdom ... really leaves no room for anyone else even if I had the desire. Who knows what the future holds...I know I'm not planning to seek anyone else in the future. My beloved was the best - anyone else has my memories to compete against.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on June 07, 2016, 02:19:49 PM
Hi Taurus, thanks so much for your thoughtful reflections. Two things especially resonated with me with your post- (1) my DH and I were both free spirits in the manner you described prior to getting together, which may have contributed to my feelings now, and (2) no room for anyone else here either!  Take care, and please share your Dalai Lama wisdom. ;-)
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: MissingSquish on June 11, 2016, 07:52:46 PM
I've tried recoupling twice in 4 years. Both didn't work out. Both men, though nice, were just not husband #2.  I'm finding more comfort and craving being alone than really trying to date.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: SemperFidelis on July 25, 2016, 06:38:45 PM
I am recoupled now.... But we live apart and will continue to do so for a long time I think. I really like having a relationship, but I LOVE having my space too. I never dated my dead husband, we just went from 0 to 60. This thing where I live apart from the man I am currently seeing is so awesome..... Its the best of both worlds. And that is a view I never thought I would have.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: MamaZ on August 14, 2016, 11:20:12 AM
Wow! There are others! I am not some freak of nature for not wanting to play the dating game? I am ten years out. My kids are now 16 and 19. My closest friend is my mom, four states to the north. I socialize casually, but mostly live my life in solitude. As I view an emptying nest, I do not quake in fear, but fantasize about finally getting my house to stay clean. I do have my missing D moments, and can imagine the pleasure of a cuddle, or even sex, but don't have any face to go with that, and cannot fathom that I ever will.

Do any of you ever consider more socializing (on line or otherwise) with other widows, contentedly not reattached? All of the wids I know IRL are either remarried, or trying to be, which makes me feel like an enigma, even amongst those who stand a better chance of understanding me (than most).

Anyway, a sincere hello and high five to you all, my fellow oddballs.  (;
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on August 17, 2016, 01:22:25 AM
High five back, MamaZ!  I don't think we are freaks of nature, although naturally in the minority I think (us all being "young" widow(er)s, it makes perfect sense that many wish to find or have found another life partner -heck, the not-so-young also understandably seek the same outcome).  I'm glad you found this thread: giving a voice to those seeking a different path is why the mods pinned this post, I think.  It IS a bit isolating. 

Myself, I don't have much time to socialize IRL period as my child is still young, and I only know one other young widow in my city, who will soon begin trying to date if she hasn't already (and she is awesome).  I don't fear the empty nest either and am looking way in the future to my retirement already -big plans!  It helps a lot to be interested and curious in life in general, I think.  Although I miss my DH every day, and I still feel traumatized and exhausted, mostly I feel hamstrung and held back from living my best life by the necessity of having a secure job, not by not having a partner.  If that makes sense. 
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: soloact on August 31, 2016, 09:28:03 PM


Anyway, a sincere hello and high five to you all, my fellow oddballs.  (;

MamaZ, hello from a fellow oddball! I wouldn't mind more socializing with other like minded wids. Gets old when wid friends keep talking of  "putting me out there". Not for me.

I do have a young widow of 91 who is my hero. I told her I want to be just like her when I grow up. She always gets a laugh from that. She dresses nicely, keeps hair neatly styled and drives a pretty red car. She misses her husband and makes no apology about that. I like it when I can speak from the heart. I miss my husband too. Always will.

She's good company and I always look forward to our next meeting.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Sugarbell on September 01, 2016, 06:21:19 AM
It seems like many don't understand not having time for a relationship...Or they say it's an excuse...between work, taking certification texts, being actively involved with my 9 11 and 13 year old, taking care of my house...

There isn't much left for a real relationship. Dates..on occasion...

The only time I craved a relationship throughout the past 9 years..well it's when I have time on my hands...needing something to divert my attention.

So I don't need it...too many tabs are already open...I would have to short change my kids or work or something else.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Nog1 on September 03, 2016, 06:31:36 AM
Yes another one of the exhausted single parents who has not got time for actively seeking another – between looking after my 3 teenagers, running my own business (from home), housework, garden, dogs, gym etc etc. Just felt I had to add my bit here – have loved reading everyones responses.
 
I am now in year 4 since DH died and I spent a lot of year 3 trying to heed well-meaning advice such as “get out there” re socializing in general, not dating. But in truth I found it another thing on my to do list and a bit of a chore (and I know you often reflect back what you give etc). It takes a lot of time and effort to make new friends; I found the superficiality of meeting new people often drained my already limited reserves. And while some of me misses being part of a couple I really do not have the emotionally energy for online dating. So unless Man Perfect marches up to my door and sweeps me off my feet I will likely be on my own for the foreseeable future…… I do like to think that I am open to a new relationship, but I think in reality I’m not. I enjoy my own company and for the most part I am happy alone and do not fear doing things on my own.

I had a bit of an aha moment around the year 3 mark - I was shocked at how I had disengaged emotionally from life in general, although most people looking on would see someone who runs around sorting the kids out, working, organizing holidays, family visits etc. I sat down and really tried to work out what I wanted for me and not for anyone else. And in truth I am often at my happiest pursuing solitary activities, reading, long walks with the dogs, biking etc. So I took the decision to concentrate on and enjoy these activities and not worry about “socializing”. And by doing this I really feel that now I am re-engaging in and appreciating life in a way that suits me personally.

Eimear McBride the Irish writer (who had trained to be an actress), was asked about the death of her 22 year old brother: But why did Donagh’s death turn you away from acting? “I realised that I’m not a communal person. As an actor you need to be able to be around people a lot. And I can’t. I couldn’t because of the grief. And then once I’d learned to live with it either I had been changed into a more solitary person or I realised that was the person I had always been”.

Don’t get me wrong I am not a recluse (yet) I have close friends and family although not locally. But if my circumstances were different I could think of nothing better than a year or so on a remote island somewhere…..  So for now seeking solitude in my limited free time is really much more helpful for me than seeking the company of others.

Maybe I’ve rambled a bit off topic but yes I get it…
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Euf on September 10, 2016, 04:05:48 PM
I’ve been widowed for 10 years and for the past 10 years I’ve heard about chapter 2.  I am probably older than most of the widows here, partly because people of my age are less likely to be hanging out on the internet and partly because even though I am one of those that came from a previous site called YWBB (YOUNG Widow Bulletin Board) I was just trying to pass there. I haven’t been young for a long time.

When I joined YWBB I was just trying to fit somewhere. YWBB defined itself as young although the only thing I felt was widowed. I couldn’t find a site for middle aged or old widows so by default joined the young ones.

It is hard to define young, especially when talking about being widowed. I assume that whoever is left behind feels too young to be widowed.  At least that’s how I felt.

I’ve always been happy for those that found love again and remarried but the phrase “Chapter Two” always rubs me the wrong way when it means remarriage. It so often seems to be some sort of race and the finish line is that whoever remarries first wins. To me, it both trivializes new relationships and also pits us against each other. There is a race to the finish line and those of us who are still single are the losers.
Maybe it is because I am older, but I passed chapter 2 long before my husband died and it didn’t involve remarriage. In fact I passed chapter two before I even met my husband.

I guess that is really where my dislike of the term “chapter two” comes from when it only relates to being married.  As if we are measured only by who we marry, when we marry, how long we are single.  I have no plans to remarry or even fall in love again, but who knows what may happen? I’m not looking for love but if it says hi and shows up on my doorstep, I’ll pay attention.

Either way, I’m not in a contest with anyone. I’m not counting chapters.  I’m just living my life.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: canadiangirl on September 14, 2016, 12:50:57 AM
But in truth I found it another thing on my to do list and a bit of a chore (and I know you often reflect back what you give etc). It takes a lot of time and effort to make new friends; I found the superficiality of meeting new people often drained my already limited reserves. And while some of me misses being part of a couple I really do not have the emotionally energy for online dating...

I had a bit of an aha moment around the year 3 mark - I was shocked at how I had disengaged emotionally from life in general, although most people looking on would see someone who runs around sorting the kids out, working, organizing holidays, family visits etc. I sat down and really tried to work out what I wanted for me and not for anyone else. And in truth I am often at my happiest pursuing solitary activities, reading, long walks with the dogs, biking etc. So I took the decision to concentrate on and enjoy these activities and not worry about “socializing”. And by doing this I really feel that now I am re-engaging in and appreciating life in a way that suits me personally.

Eimear McBride the Irish writer (who had trained to be an actress), was asked about the death of her 22 year old brother: But why did Donagh’s death turn you away from acting? “I realised that I’m not a communal person. As an actor you need to be able to be around people a lot. And I can’t. I couldn’t because of the grief. And then once I’d learned to live with it either I had been changed into a more solitary person or I realised that was the person I had always been”.

Nog1, thanks for posting this, not off-topic at all. What you wrote spoke to me because I have become quite reclusive as well and have been a bit worried about it.  I honestly would prefer to be alone when I don't have child responsibilities, but I have been trying to maintain friendships. This can be difficult because I have no family in town, no real babysitter and not much energy, not to mention emotional energy (I hear you!).  It's petty but I also feel some resentment about how friends just have not been there for the two of us (my child and me), or when DH was dying- that adds to my reclusiveness.  I've been fighting it, and trying to say "YES" when offers for social outings (rarely) come my way, but maybe it's time to reframe things. Embrace the solitude in some ways...although I do still try to be social in part for my child, feel it's necessary.  If I struggle with friendships, I can't imagine dealing with a relationship.  I seriously cannot fathom how people make it work, but applaud them.

I’ve always been happy for those that found love again and remarried but the phrase “Chapter Two” always rubs me the wrong way when it means remarriage.

Either way, I’m not in a contest with anyone. I’m not counting chapters.  I’m just living my life.

Euf, thanks for this post, it also made me think.  The first time I saw the phrase Chapter Two on YWBB (the old board), I was surprised that it referred to re-coupling, because I thought everyone widowed was already in the next chapter. I think you're right, Chapter Two should just refer to the next phase of our life post-loss, not exclusively to being re-coupled.  If it's used at all- I too am far beyond Chapter Two. My story is still being written, and surely it might still be an interesting tale even without the formulaic ending.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Sirin on September 16, 2016, 08:11:34 PM
Thank you for this thread, it's good to feel validated.
I had a couple of very irritating conversations with my mom and my friend, who were both insistent that maybe one day I can find someone else who "makes me happy"/remarry/have children, etc.  After I forcefully explained that I don't ever intend on remarrying again, and I have no desire to look for anyone else, my mom said that of course I would say that, it would be weird if I was saying something otherwise only six weeks after my husband's death. Then why bring it up even?? It is not helpful, and it's making me feel gross.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Bear Shannon on October 08, 2016, 02:13:15 PM
I cohabited for about six months. It didn't work out. I'm not very good at that domesticated stuff.  8)
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: TofinoMan on October 24, 2016, 07:52:49 PM
Very simple for me.
My daughter is not going to be subjected to me dating till she is an adult.
When she is 19 or older, and if I meet some truly amazing woman, I'll consider dating her.
Till then no damn way!
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Missmybecky on October 27, 2016, 11:16:23 AM
I check in here on Widda and read pretty often but never have anything to say. I finally got around to reading through this thread and found it to be really helpful. I have been dating off and on but I have not yet had a relationship with anyone that felt great or lasted very long. I feel like I am broken, because I know it is because of me that these relationships end. I am really good at being alone and I have my kids to keep me busy. I keep telling myself that I just haven't met the right person yet and I try really hard to not compare anyone to DW but she set such a high standard. Maybe I am better off alone for a while. I have been widowed for 3.5 years and I can honestly say that I am happy once again. Why make myself miserable by repeating this process of meeting new people and then separating?
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Julester3 on October 28, 2016, 10:21:08 AM
This resonates for me. The kids asked me about this and I simply said your father broke me. My standards are too high and I can't selfishly expect someone to live to this standard. It's not fair but I can't settle for any less. No man in his right mind would want a women like me who is going to be forever tied to her dead husband. I already bought the plot next to him and bought a double plaque to accommodate us both. My side is blank.

 If fate throws such a man in my way, I'll deal with it then but I am not looking and not actively trying to either. I am content with keeping busy and my hobbies make me happy.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: RyanAmysMom on January 01, 2017, 07:25:41 PM
My sweetheart left 18 months ago - I have two young teens, and I teach 5th grade.  I have vowed that I don't need any man or anyone else's baggage - I don't need to subject my kids to the kind of nonsense that I see single/divorced parents doing to my students.....  I don't need anyone meddling in my parenting, and I don't want to take on the stress of anyone else's kids....
So I'm totally fine alone. And I have been all along.

Until the moments when I'm not. 
Until I've had too much of my kids, too much of my students, too much of my girlfriends' bitching - and I just want to have a man smile at me and remind me that I have a brain that's interesting and alive.  And then I get confused and distracted, and moody....  I really appreciate that some others here have had the same feelings - and I like that some of you have found solutions to those issues.  Thanks for the insight.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Julester3 on January 02, 2017, 08:38:50 AM
I can see your POV RyanAmysMom. My husband was very affectionate so I am really really missing the affection, the hugs, the kisses, the physical relationship, the conversations, the little things he did that made me feel pretty and special but the prospect of what I would have to do to get any of those things seems too much a price and effort that I'm willing to spend. I don't want to waste what energy I'm mustering on these things. I do my best to cherish what I had and then I use as much distraction as I can to keep the sadness at bay.
Title: Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: MissingSquish on January 20, 2017, 05:26:57 PM
Yup, I'm still firmly in the camp of not becoming recoupled again. I like my space, my life and my network that I've built for myself over the past 4 1/2 years. I don't see another man or relationship fitting into the mix. I'm unwilling to compromise and lose everything I've built over another guy.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Needytoo on March 05, 2017, 09:13:51 AM
First time I have ventured into this thread.

Not even sure how to say this, so I am just going to say it. I started dating when I was 10 years old.  For some reason I had it in my head you were nothing unless you had a boyfriend.  I also had it in my head that you had to be submissive and let the man lead the way. My marriage wasn't a typical marriage.  My husband was a functional alcoholic and I was a submissive enabler.  I think you guys get the picture. 

It has been four years since his passing, and I have come a long way.  I believe I am ready for dating.  I am trying the online dating thing, and it isn't working. Maybe I am just supposed to be single the rest of my life.  Life is pretty good, love my job, have hobbies, and I get out there and socialize.  My sons are still at home, and it is challenging have three adults under the same house. They haven't started dating, and I fear they will never leave.  I enjoy my alone time, but at the same time, I feel that void.  Wish I just could be content.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: sikeuritgadeun on March 06, 2017, 10:05:21 AM
To be honest, I am afraid to date.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I have been asked out but I politely decline, then run the other way.  I don't know why.  Well, I guess I do.  I was happily married and and I miss him greatly.   I am afraid to take that step.  I am OK alone most of the time but it does get lonely, I will admit that.  I do miss having someone special to talk to.  I wish I had that again at least.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: jgib on June 12, 2017, 11:02:03 AM
To be honest, I am afraid to date.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I have been asked out but I politely decline, then run the other way.  I don't know why.  Well, I guess I do.  I was happily married and and I miss him greatly.   I am afraid to take that step.  I am OK alone most of the time but it does get lonely, I will admit that.  I do miss having someone special to talk to.  I wish I had that again at least.

I hear ya.....
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Bear Shannon on July 18, 2017, 06:22:13 PM
I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy". 

Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Julester3 on July 18, 2017, 07:03:20 PM
I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy".

That's interesting. Thanks for the information.
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Bear Shannon on July 27, 2017, 12:45:12 PM
I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy".

That's interesting. Thanks for the information.

Maybe it's just my fear of commitment?  :)
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Flman on August 11, 2017, 08:59:53 PM
I have been a widower a long time 12 years . Married for 14 . After a year of losing my wife I felt kinda desperate didn't want to be alone or just listened to ppl telling me you're young you have to get married again.so I went on dates like crazy for a while what a joke even had a few relationships but just bc Everyone said to. It's been a few years now that I've been kind of a loner. To be honest it's great to a point sure I would love to have company once in a while but coming home with no drama is the best thing in life right now. Maybe I just can't get over the fact that my sweetheart is gone forever or when I was with someone I always felt so dam guilty. I mean we didn't divorce its like she just went away for a long time. Life really sucks sometimes
Title: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
Post by: Adley on August 12, 2017, 03:36:12 PM
Yes Flman, to the coming home to no drama. I remarried last year for four months, and learned how much worse things can be than simply being alone. It's lonely, yes, but I'll take solitude over constant strife any day. As in your other recent post, I can feel myself shutting doors as a protection mechanism. Who wants to add more pain? Life is complicated enough without someone's arbitrary drama.