Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: akalei30 on April 09, 2016, 12:45:49 AM

Title: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: akalei30 on April 09, 2016, 12:45:49 AM
Totally unexpected and sudden. It's still surreal.
I just can't believe it. He was the sole provider and I've been a sahm the last 8 years.
I have so many thoughts and emotions. I don't even know what to type here.
I am young. Only 30.
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: Kater on April 09, 2016, 01:51:25 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.  It will not seem real for a long time.  I lost my husband about 3 months ago and just today was thinking that I don't think it has fully registered yet.  These first couple weeks you will likely be in shock.  Be kind to yourself.  Do only the things that have to be done.  Sleep, eat and drink water when you can.  You will find lots of support and understanding here.   I am 45, and none of my friends can remotely relate.  I imagine you may find the same at your age. When you feel like nobody gets what you are going through, know all of us here do.

Take care.
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: akalei30 on April 09, 2016, 04:08:11 AM
Everyone looks at me like some pathetic lost oupoy or are like "no way you're too young". Sorry in not 30-40 years older.
We have 2 kids 3 and 7 and its hard to tell how they're taking it. Or if they fully understand.

I've tried to find support groups in real life but it's hard cause I'm either the youngest you by a landslide or they're very religious based. We are not religious at all.

I have famiky staying but they all go home in a few days (8+ hours away) and I will truely be alone. I have local family (his side) that claim they will be there for me. But how do I know for sure? We barely saw each other over the last 10 years and now they want to be around and know the kids.

I crynso much at night my pillows get soaked. And I feel guilty cause we had an argument that morning about the alarm clock. I just okay that day in my head over and over. I wasn't even with him when it happened (vessle in brain stem spontaneously burst from high blood pressure)
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: Kater on April 09, 2016, 09:29:17 AM
I wish that I had words to ease things for you but the best I have is that it just sucks. That is kind of where I am with things.  It just sucks.  People will try to offer advice to "fix it" but it can't be fixed.  we just learn how to live with it.

I don't have children, but lots of people on here do, and can offer far better advice in that area than me.  In general, though, I found that people want to help, they just don't know what to do.  So be prepared to ask for what you need at that moment - groceries, prepared food, etc.  If your in-laws want to help, I say take it unless their presence and involvement causes you more stress than help.  Losing a spouse is the number one stressor so any other stress is magnified now.  I found that for the first month or so, I was just in survival mode.  Trying to get some sleep, doing only what I had to get done for work, etc.  This will take time.  And yes, you will cry until you wonder how it is even possible for there to be any tears left. 

i found a widow/widower group on that I get together with from time to time. There are people there from 28 to mid-fifties I would guess and lots in between. I have found that helpful.  Maybe there is something similar where you are?

Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: SoVerySad on April 09, 2016, 10:44:53 AM
I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband, especially at such a young age. I, too, lost my husband suddenly (a fatal heart arrhythmia). It is normal to feel lost and in shock at this point. Please remember to drink plenty of water to help replenish your body from all the tears you've shed. I understand replaying your argument that day, but try to remember that it was only a tiny blip in the 10 years you had together. If you can let go of feeling guilty about that, it will help. It didn't cause your husband's death.

This forum (and its predecessor) truly were a lifeline for me when I found it. I hope you will find comfort and understanding here as well. We are here to support you.

Sending you a tight hug...
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: Jess on April 11, 2016, 11:11:44 AM
I was 35 when my husband died completely unexpectedly. It was a mundane day and there was no hint of what was to come. It is such an impossible thing to wrap your head around. I still have trouble really accepting it some days despite all of the crazy changes my life has undergone.

My dad stayed with me for a few weeks and when he left, I was terrified because I was going to be alone. But, this community was here for me and although it was so hard, no one here let me feel like I was in it by myself. I hope it can do the same for you. Keep talking even when you have no idea what to say.
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: Tatianakm on April 11, 2016, 08:53:07 PM
I am really not all that well equipped to give you any advice, as I am also very early into my grieving journey; my husband passed away suddenly six weeks ago today. It is unreal and for the most part all a blackout. All I can add to the previous advice is to allow yourself to cry, cry every time you feel like it, any place you need to, no matter how much you feel like a complete mess. Do not fight back the tears. Sometimes I wondered how is it even possible to be physically able to produce so much; I cried more in the last 6 weeks than in my entire adult life. With time you will find that you cry a little less each time and feel a little calmer every time after. Do not bottle up your emotions. Find a safe place and time to let it all out. It is only healthy and will help you in the long run. Hugs, we are all here for you.

And now the very important practical step for your children, not sure if anyone mentioned it yet: please find strength to visit your local social security office and file paperwork for your husband's social security benefits. Your children will get 75% each of your husband's ss benefit till they turn 18. You will probably also qualify for some spousal benefits, but make sure it does not take away from the children's benefit. Total amount will not surpass 150% of what your husband would be getting. This will allow you to continue to provide for them, until you are ready to start working.
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: mizjsea on April 11, 2016, 09:37:46 PM
Every new widow story breaks my heart. I am so very sorry. Everyone has offered good advice. Just get through hour by hour doing only what you have to do that very hour - nothing else, until you gain a little more strength. I know it all feels unreal, and it is.
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: Mizpah on April 12, 2016, 10:57:26 AM
Hi dear, I'm so sorry.  You're dealing not only with loss and sudden solo parenting, but also with trauma from the suddenness.  I lost my DH when I was 32 (almost 5 years ago now).  We left for work on Friday, saying we couldn't wait for the weekend together, and by the time we'd expected to be home together, there had been a catastrophic accident (he was hit by a car while standing on the sidewalk). 

I looked into groups, and many of them started at 6 months out anyway.  I went to individual therapy twice a week for 8 months, then did once a week until I was two years out (I would've done more, but I moved and didn't find someone I loved as much).  Going to therapy is, in my opinion, the most valuable thing you can do for yourself.  It doesn't change your circumstances, but it gives you something you need.  It's like working out, except for your heart/soul/head. 

I only remember little snippets from the first few months (months!).  In my opinion, survival, taking on the bare minimum, and healthiness are your only realistic goals right now.  And by healthiness, I mean simple, basic things like getting some sunshine and staying hydrated and being honest with yourself, even when it's painful.  You are going to feel raw for a long time, and feeling better is something that happens very slowly and very gradually.  It's something for another time.  Right now, your main task is to suffer and survive.  We've all felt your feelings - lean on us, especially those in your same timeframe. 

I'm thinking of you and wishing you bits of comfort. 
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: akalei30 on April 16, 2016, 11:34:52 PM
All company has left and last night was our first night just me and the kids alone. Tonight is our second night. I had to sleep with my lamp on the majority of the night and the rain sound from my alarm clock playing white noise. I'm so used to his snoring it was eerie just having silence and my over active imaginsrion at every sound I hear.

Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: Kater on April 17, 2016, 12:59:27 AM
I was in a similar situation.  My parents stayed with me for the first 2 weeks And I had other family stay for some time.  It was busy and so a part of me welcomed the peace, but the silence when they left, as they say, was deafening.  The first few months, I found, were just crazy and weird. When I was alone,  I wanted company but then when I had it, I wanted to be alone.  I was hungry but couldn't eat, tired but couldn't stay asleep.  What's up is down and what's down is up. 

I have friends that have installed alarm systems once they had kids.  I don't know what the cost is, but it might help with some peace of mind at night.  As far as sleeping with the lights on - do whatever you have to do.  Someone asked me if I had trouble sleeping.  I said that I didn't but that I often stayed up until I was so tired I would easily fall asleep.  She asked what time that was.  I said, oh about 2:00 but sometimes later.  She replied "I think that classifies as having trouble sleeping".  I thought it was funny, but true, but it was what I needed to do then.  So we all do whatever it takes to get through the day and the night.

Hoping you have a somewhat restful night.

Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: SoVerySad on April 17, 2016, 01:07:47 AM
I'm 3 years out and still sleep with the TV on low for noise as my husband was a snorer as well (and then got a c-pap machine, so I was used to that noise). I also slept on the sofa for months instead of going to bed without him. As Kate said, we all do what gets us through.

Sending you hugs...
Title: Re: Lost my common law husband of 10 years 1 week ago.
Post by: Jen on April 19, 2016, 11:22:12 AM
(((((HUGS))))) I am so very sorry. I lost my husband very suddenly-- I can't believe it's been 2 years now. I have 3 kids, and it's so hard to get up every day and do the adulting and the parenting when all I want to do is hide under the covers. Hold on, keep talking... wishing you peace.