Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Shock Wears Off, Reality Sets In ( 6 to 12 months) => Topic started by: SK on July 28, 2016, 09:22:01 PM

Title: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: SK on July 28, 2016, 09:22:01 PM
Tomorrow, July 29, makes 7 months since the love of my life was stolen from me.  So many times in his lifetime, he tempted death and it didn't come, but when we least expected it, death came with evil pain and vengeance. At 59 years of age, old to some, young to most, my dear Bruce was taken from me and the many other lives he touched. 
Well-meaning friends tell me that "it'll get better", but it seems to be getting more difficult to handle & the pain is more intense than ever! 
We had to close our young cafe a week before Bruce passed, just as it was about to have its first profitable month.  It took days, which seemed like weeks, but I got Bruce to talk about our mutual loss, letting him know just how successful he was by reading him notes left at the cafe door & comments on facebook. A week after closing our cafe...his dream... my dear love left this earth, and to this day, it hurts more & more every day!  Is this "normal"?!!!  I sometimes feel like I'm going nuts...friends, co-workers treat me as though I should be 'over this & on with my life', but I just can't seem to grasp "happy". 
Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: Trying on July 28, 2016, 09:34:33 PM
My heart goes out to, I definitely found it got worse before it got better.  Don't listen to anyone who thinks they know how you should be handling your grief. People become uncomfortable and impatient witnessing grief, but that is about them, not you. In the first year we have to experience all of the ways that our loss effects our lives and as that reality sets in, it is only natural that the pain will be worse at times.  You are not crazy, or weak, or broken.  You are grieving and it is a long and messy business..
Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: SemperFidelis on July 28, 2016, 11:01:34 PM
SK, I also found myself frustrated by the well meaning "it will get better" crowd. In the beginning, I didn't even find it THAT bad or unmanageable.....the bad came later...maybe the worst at 6months. So their words just left me feeling more isolated.

 Unfortunately the treatment you are getting from the world is normal. You already know, most people cannot relate.
Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: Kater on July 29, 2016, 12:56:15 AM
SK - much of your post resonates.  I also lost my love on December 29, 2015, making this the 7 month sadiversary for me too.  Oddly, I came to the board tonight to post about how the last week has been a weird time for me and saw your post.  I have had a few more cry sessions than usual, but it isn't even that.  i think it is that, with each anniversary, there is a feeling that something should be different from the last.  It's like putting a child up to a growth chart and marking the same spot as the last month, and the month before, etc.  On paper, 7 months seems like a long time, but I am having a difficult time moving on in any real way.  I don't feel that acute grief anymore, but I find any changes to my world are so odd and unwelcome. I went shopping a couple of weeks ago while out of town.  As I was hanging things up, it struck me that he did not see me in those clothes and never will.  How weird.  I have changed very little in the house. As I posted elsewhere, I still very much to keep to "my side" of the bed, and don't see that changing anytime soon. I wonder if doing some of those things would help me to better accept that this really has happened and my life can never be the same.  There are still so many moments that I simply can't believe he is gone.  Forever. 

I do know that grief takes as long as it takes, but sometimes it makes it a bit more difficult, I think, when those around us don't get that.  I was thinking today what it would be like if our outward appearance changed as much as our inner selves.  People would not recognize us, and would understand just how changed we are.

How awesome that your Bruce got to see the culmination of his dream in his life.   I love that you defined the success of the business as you have - by the positive relationships he was able to develop from it.  I am organizing a golf tournament in S's memory.  It has reminded me just how well liked he was.  Someone asked if that makes things easier.  I said, yes and no.  It mostly makes me think that he should still be here.  For me, and for all these other people that are missing his presence in this world. 

Sending you a hug.  I will now be thinking of you every 29th.....


Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: canadiangirl on July 29, 2016, 08:59:22 AM
Dear SK, I am sorry for the loss of your Bruce and for today's sadiversary.  I wanted to write to tell you that many widows I have seen here on the boards for the last couple of years (I am 2.5+ years out) experience numbness and shock for the first 6 months or so, and then things do sometimes get worse after that before they get better, once the shock and initial craziness wear off somewhat.  Entirely NORMAL, and I loved what Kater said about our outward selves changing to reflect our inner change so people might have a clearer picture.  I often also think the world expects the grieving and "get better" process to look like a linear, upwardly sloping line graph when we know it can resemble something more like a vortex.  For some people, not all.  We have a sad thing in common but the experience reflects the diversity of the membership in this sad club.  Thinking of you today.
Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: SK on July 29, 2016, 10:20:57 AM
Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful words!   
Death is just so cruel!  But as I'm told, "that's part of life".  Ugggh! I HATE hearing that! 
Sounds like I'm experiencing the "anger stage" of grieving, doesn't it.  =:0

Kate, I read your post from the eve of the 6 month sadiversary.  We do have some parallels! But conversely, I had to make many changes early on.  Because Bruce & I shared a closet, I would see his clothing hanging there, droopy, without him in them & it was a horribly painful reminder multiple times daily of his absence from my life.  I kept a few special items of his clothing that are comforting to me, that I can & do snuggle with.  After almost 36 years of being together (our 36th wedding anniversary is coming up Sept.6), there are LOTS of reminders of him, but for some reason, the clothing REALLY bothered me.  Maybe because I was used to that clothing moving around with him & it just looked so sad, saggy, & lonely in our closet. 
I am so sorry for all of you/us who have to (but fortunately can) be a part of this group.  Thank you again for being here and allowing me to share how I feel with people who truly understand. 
I wish you all peace and comfort in your lives!
Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: Bunny on July 29, 2016, 12:11:49 PM
I just wanted to share my experience with you also...

Yes, the first six months were insanely painful- both mentally and physically. But as that initial shocking pain began to soften, it was replaced by the deepest of sorrow and exhaustion, which left me feeling like the hole I was in just got a lot darker and so much deeper. It was, unbelievably, excruciating in a whole new different way. I felt so defeated by my grief, apathetic about my life, and so damn tired. Some mornings I would wake up and immediately burst into tears.

So yeah- for some of us, the second half of that first year, it can feel even worse in some ways. its sadly normal. But Time eventually teaches us the coping mechanisms we need to move forward with our lives. Though others might get impatient, we need to remember to be patient with our new selves as we learn to navigate this new life we've been thrown into.

One day at a time...
Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: SK on July 29, 2016, 02:41:26 PM
Thank you Bunny.  You expressed my feelings exactly!
Having trouble just putting one foot in front of the other.   Something as simple as making a cup of coffee in the a.m. is like running a marathon!  If it weren't for my 2 dogs, many days I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.  Thank goodness for them!
Title: Re: 7 months and getting more difficult
Post by: beth_krkswidow on December 20, 2016, 03:32:33 PM
Christmas Day will be 7 months.  I agree.  I could have written those same words. It is NOT better and everyone thinks I am or should be better.  It ticks me off tjay they thimk I could "get over " the amputation of my reason for living.