Young Widow Forum

Specific Situations => Suicide/Addiction/Mental Illness/Abuse => Topic started by: alice on August 03, 2016, 12:29:12 PM

Title: new to the forum
Post by: alice on August 03, 2016, 12:29:12 PM
Thank you all for sharing your experiences and for being willing to offer your responses, support, and advice. These posts are an incredible resource.

I lost my husband to suicide in March. He was dealing with anxiety exacerbated by perceived stress at work and was struggling with defining his role in society and being a new father. In hindsight, he was likely hiding a deep depression from everyone, including himself. His death and suicide came without warning; he had never once mentioned any thoughts of suicide. We were longstanding friends since high school and had been happily married for 4 years. Both of us were established in our careers, we had just purchased our "forever" home and welcomed our first child in October.

I suspected something was off when I received a call from daycare several minutes before close that no one had picked up our five month old son. He had dropped our son off at daycare that morning and was supposed to have picked him up that evening. I was the one who found the body; he had died from a self-inflicted GSW.

It is not any easier, but it helps to know that other SOS have confronted similar situations and asked themselves the same questions. Such as when I invariably get asked, "So what kind of work does your husband do?" Oftentimes it's easier to answer as if he is still alive, because informing the person that my husband has died leads to uncomfortable silence, mumbled words of empathy, looks of pity, and wanting to know what happened. Being encouraged by well-meaning friends to participate in suicide prevention activities/awaremenss when I have my doubts on whether it would have really prevented my husband's suicide which by all accounts was an unplanned and impulsive act. He was going to counseling, utilizing coping mechanisms, started taking medication...not sure what else we could have done. Although still a long ways away, my brain is already trying to process what and how to tell my 9-month-son when he is older about how his father died. I know that there are no right answers and processing grief is a deeply personal experience, but thank you to everyone for offering your perspective. It is comforting to know that other people have navigated this journey. You are all a testament that life does go on.
Title: Re: new to the forum
Post by: Forgottenwife on August 03, 2016, 02:15:53 PM
Alice I am so very sorry for your loss and for the suicide story you have endured. I don't have the right words, so I just want to tell you to please take care of yourself and your baby. It can take some time to feel 'ok' and in my opinion, you should be gentle with yourself.

I too lost my husband to suicide a little more than 5 years ago. We had been together since we were teenagers. And I also found his body. I had horrible days, confused days, days I don't even remember. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the grief of losing a spouse to suicide. I took care of myself and my children the best I could, that's all I could manage for a while. I knew I was fortunate to have an amazing dad, some good friends, and access to community resources. As you eloquently stated, 'processing grief is a deeply personal experience' so please trust that you will find the answers as you navigate this journey. I know you are already wondering what you will tell your boy. He has a long amazing adventure of his own that is just starting and I suspect this conversation will be a part of his story now and again. You'll be great, your love for your son shines through in your post.

Because you mentioned suicide prevention activities, you may really enjoy participating, however you may not. Each person's experience is very different and one experience is not more right or wrong than the other. I have never been interested or comfortable doing any suicide prevention stuff or walks or raising money - I have deep respect for people and organizations that work in prevention, it is just not my thing and I am completely at peace with that decision. I hope other people here will share their thoughts on this with you.

I guess I made it. I am more than ok. It took a long time. I am happy, I have real joy in my life, I sleep peacefully at night. I miss him, I remember him and see his smile every day in one of our kids that looks just like him. So its like I have the best of him right here with me.

You got this. I'm so sorry you have to walk this path. Know there is joy and peace and sunshine for you and your sweet boy.
Title: Re: new to the forum
Post by: WifeLess on August 03, 2016, 04:24:45 PM
Alice,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

When I first joined this forum's predecessor nearly 7 years ago, I too was greatly comforted by the posts of other SOS members, the experiences they related, and the myriad of conflicting thoughts and emotions they described. As I have posted many times before, the friendships I formed there were the single greatest factor in my surviving the first several years of widowhood.

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess
Title: Re: new to the forum
Post by: Kater on August 03, 2016, 05:56:15 PM
Alice, sorry for your loss and the circumstances of it.  I have been reading a few books on grief lately.  I have not yet found any words of wisdom in those books that haven't already been written somewhere on this site.  I have found it very helpful to have a community of people that have gone through the same sort of loss.  Sending you a hug.  Kate
Title: Re: new to the forum
Post by: SemperFidelis on August 04, 2016, 12:01:39 AM
Hello and welcome.

I am sorry for what you are going through.... There is really no right thing for me to say to you.

My husband ended his own life a year ago, and I was a witness to the whole event. I have peace with the suicide aspect, but still struggle with what I witnessed. No one should have to see their spouse in that condition.

Anyway. Yes, you are right....life does go on. Whether we are ready for it to go on or not.
Title: Re: new to the forum
Post by: alemja on August 07, 2016, 06:45:18 AM
Hi Alice, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place but I am very glad that you have found this site.

It really was my lifeline when I lost my husband to suicide a little over 3 years ago, I was the only young widow that I knew of,  it was a terribly lonely place to be. Finding this site helped me to realise that I wasn't alone and that life would go on and I would too.

My children were 5 and 7 at the time and understood that their dad had a mental illness (well as much as a 5 and 7 year old could) so I was honest with them from the first moment about how he died, I didn't want them to feel that there was any shame to be felt about the manner in which their father died.
You must trust yourself as to when/how you would explain it to your little one, don't let others shame or force you into it.

Hold on, you will make it through
Title: Re: new to the forum
Post by: piecesofapart on August 17, 2016, 07:29:35 PM
Alice...just wanted to let you know I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason why. I lost my husband to suicide nearly 3 years ago. This group has been my sanity. I hope you find comfort here...wishing you peace...
Title: Re: new to the forum
Post by: alice on August 17, 2016, 11:31:25 PM
Thank you all for your kind words. I posted a few days before my birthday and your comments have provided a great deal of comfort. Since Matt died in March, our wedding anniversary has also passed. I know that holidays, birthdays, anniversaries were going to be tough, especially the first year, as they just seem to accentuate the fact he's no longer here.

I feel most badly for my father in law. He and my husband got together nearly every weekend, to go to yard sales, watch sports, and have discussions that lasted for hours that my mother in law and I joked were to "try to save the world." He saw a lot of himself in his son, especially both having earned PhD's and prided themselves as extremely logical people. He still feels guilt about not having seen the suicide coming, and is struggling with why Matt didn't pick up the phone and let him know what he was considering. I read from an account of someone dealing with suicidal thoughts, "If I'm rational enough to ask someone to stop me from killing myself, I am probably rational enought not to do so." There will never be clear cut answers, but I believe Matt's suicide was an irrational choice which for whatever reason he felt was the only option. I can only hope that my father in law can also come to a similar conclusion in time and find peace in an

Thank you again!