Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Relationships/Remarriage => Topic started by: still_lost on February 20, 2017, 06:56:56 AM

Title: It's over now
Post by: still_lost on February 20, 2017, 06:56:56 AM
Thank you all for responding to my posts regarding my current situation. I mentioned bf's son who is causing a few problems between us. After thinking about the situation, and having a couple more incidents, I've decided to end the relationship. I've never disliked a child in my life, but his son puts me in a bad mood whenever I'm around him. At 15, he believes himself to be far superior to any adult. He will correct you, offer his opinion on things that he knows nothing about, or answer to you in a very condescending manner. A huge red flag for me was when bf said, " He's already smarter than his mother, and there's clearly an intellectual difference between him and certain friends, that's why he only has a few." So it's clear that bf condones his behavior, and his little "talks" with him aren't working. I don't care if he is "smarter" than his mother. He is still a child, and needs to respect her.

There's no way to separate the two, as his son is part of the package. I just find myself being irritated whenever I'm over their house. Bf will make him apologize when he's wrong, but soon after there will be another incident and I'm tired. This past weekend, I was visiting and decided to make a meal for all of us. He came in the kitchen while I was cooking. He was just kind of lingering, and when I had my back turned in the fridge, he was about to add seasoning of my food. That pissed me the f@#& off!! I told him I didn't need his help, and he could leave the kitchen. We all ate, everything was fine. A few hours later when it was time to leave, I said goodbye to him. He had to add his smart-ass comment, "I still added seasoning to your food" and I lost it. I told bf after I arrived home. He said he would deal with him, and tell him not to joke with me anymore. I calmly told him that we've had one too many issues with his child being disrespectful, and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. Bf clearly doesn't see his son's behavior as a problem since he's only "being a boy" or he's just joking." Either way, I'm out!
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: tybec on February 20, 2017, 07:09:25 AM
I am sorry you are going through this.  Blending families is no Brady Bunch for sure.  Hope your decision gives you some relief.  Sounds very trying. 

Who knew this widowhood stuff could land us in such circumstances we never dreamed of?  Hugs!
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: still_lost on February 20, 2017, 08:37:26 AM
It is very difficult, as I'm learning. I admit that this is very new to me, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't overreacting. Bf said that I can't expect everything to be perfect all the time, and there are going to be issues along the way. I get that. He says he disciplined him, and there will be no more problems, and I don't believe that. What will happen down the line is his son will begin to resent me because I'm always complaining to his dad, and he keeps getting in trouble. I'm not prepared to keep battling with anyone. My child isn't perfect, but he's not blatantly disrespectful to adults. When he's wrong, I correct him. Bf tried to guilt me, I guess, by saying that I'm wiling to throw away a relationship over a child, but it's much more to it than that.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: Abitlost on February 20, 2017, 10:21:35 AM

From your past posts, it sounds like this relationship is still quite new, just a couple months by now? For me, that seems quite early to be involving your kids. You and NG barely know each other, and having your kid and his teen --who are at vastly different developmental stages -- spend regular time together sounds like a recipe for failure.

From your description, the issues you have with his 15-year-old's behavior seem to me to be -- please don't take this wrong -- partially a matter of not having a teen yourself. You said your child is much younger (8?) and more respectful, more compliant, and better behaved which is typical behavior to that age; at that age, they are still trying to please their parent. Not so much when they become teens. Of course not all teens behave in manners that would be described as disrespectful, but certainly many do -- particularly to their parent. They are separating from their parent and despite the parent's best attempt, the teen often continues to act out and push buttons. The parent can not MAKE the teen behave in a certain way. Since you are with his parent in a new role to him, he is likely to behave in a similar -- or more pronounced -- fashion.

Teens sometimes suck. You can't expect the same parenting techniques that worked in childhood to be effective. It's easy to judge when it is your feelings being hurt, but perhaps an understanding of teen behavior would be beneficial. There are numerous books on the teen thing for a good reason...


Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: marian53 on February 20, 2017, 10:40:29 AM
Sorry, this boy has far more issues ging than just the teen thing. You did the right thing. That family is completely dysfunctional and you are better out of the relationship. You are a smart woman in putting yourself and your little guy first.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: still_lost on February 20, 2017, 11:11:11 AM
Thank you, Marian. My thoughts exactly. I have worked with teens 13-17 years old for years. Their behavior is nothing new to me. This is blatant disrespect. Bf makes excuses because he "has a weird sense of humor" but I don't find it funny. He's smarter than most kids his age, according to bf, and family members have also complained about his mouth. This is much bigger than me, and I'm not prepared for the battle.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: Mrskro on February 20, 2017, 12:16:39 PM

There is so much more going on there than just typical teenage angst.   I'm sure this is still tough on you though.   Good for you in recognizing that it wasn't going to work though.

Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: still_lost on February 20, 2017, 12:43:56 PM
Yes, there is. Thank you.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: wecouldbeheros on February 20, 2017, 04:24:44 PM
Take everything else out of the equation. He (NG now hopefully over), from what you wrote, never put your feelings first. Even with the teen thing, he's not dedicated. Rather he sounded like a slave to the ex. You deserve 100 times better.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: Abitlost on February 20, 2017, 05:22:41 PM

I'm not suggesting that you should stay with NG. From what you have written, it sounds like you feel there is too much dysfunction, conflicts with parenting expectations, and you simply don't care for his son. It sounds like a lot of strife this early in a relationship. My only point was from what you have written, his 15-year-old's behavior does not seem out of the realm of typical teenage defiance/button pushing/know-it-all/sassy-mouth/exertion of independence, and NG's attempts to talk with him not yielding the results you desire are not in and of themselves unusual.

There are some things my teens do and say that I would not want to put up with given a choice, and despite pulling my hair out in attempt to influence particular behaviors, they still appear. Of course they save these behaviors for me, acting differently out of our home as is typical with teens. I am finding the teen years to be the most challenging of all! My NG has teens himself, we are both on the same parenting page, and both realize that when our teens act like toddlers, it is not a reflection on us or our parenting.

It's not easy when a relationship ends. I am a firm believer that when something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't.

Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: Trying on February 20, 2017, 06:58:53 PM
Blending is hard enough when both adults are on the same page. I'm sorry that things didn't work out better but it seems you made the right decision for you and your son. I'm sure this isn't easy.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: Mizpah on February 21, 2017, 09:08:29 AM
Ugh, I'm sorry.  That's rough.  And yeah - it not happening again is a fantasy/myth, especially given that bf condones the overall situation, even while disciplining for specific incidents.  I have a really hard time stomaching the excuse that goes along the lines of a child just acting out or misbehaving or being an a-hole because they're just so smart.  It's gross and precious, and I have no patience for that.  Yay smart, but guess what's more important?  Wisdom, kindness, maturity.  Smart may be important for academic and professional achievement, but it's far from the important thing in home and family life.  And it's nothing to brag about in the face of rude and hostile behavior. 

I know it's got to be so hard, but I think it's "smart" (hahahaha) to end the relationship to prevent further negative/hostile/ugly/toxic household dynamics for you and your son.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: nonesuch on February 24, 2017, 08:37:07 AM
Ugh.  When you described the boy, I thought, "Well, teens can think like that." But the child is being handicapped by a parent that condones the behavior.  What jerks, both of them.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: Forgottenwife on February 24, 2017, 11:14:21 AM
I hope you are doing ok Still_lost. I was one who offered an opinion to you on an earlier post. I remember breaking up with someone over similar things and it was such a drag, back to dating, no companion, all those things we do in a breakup. It sucked at the time, and yet looking back, it was undoubtedly the correct decision for me. I'm so glad I didn't stay on that path! I knew the situation/person was just not right for me. Good for you for following your intuition. From the outside, it sounded like keeping that romance would add stress to your life. Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: It's over now
Post by: Christopher on August 15, 2017, 04:25:29 PM
There is a way of dealing with such things simply.

Sit down and ask: Is this fair?

Is it fair for me? Fair for them? Am I enabling them to do things that would hurt them in the future?

Is it fair?

Your answer to that introspection will help you see what to do next.