Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Social Encounters => Topic started by: Bunny on March 03, 2017, 11:47:09 AM

Title: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Bunny on March 03, 2017, 11:47:09 AM
Just read this lovely essay- written by a dying wife (and famous author), for her husband's future dating profile. funny, beautiful, heartbreaking. It's nice she's thinking ahead and telling him it's okay to fall in love again.

I never had that talk with my husband. Hell, we could barely acknowledge he was dying, despite all evidence screaming in that direction. But in healthier times, we did both say we would never fall in love again if something happened to one of us.

 i remember talking to his best friend around the one year anniversary, about which friend of ours I would have wanted to comfort my husband had the roles been reversed. I wasn't ready at that point to think about being with someone myself, but I knew I wouldn't have wanted him to be alone, I realized I'd been thinking about it all wrong. Not that being alone isn't okay, but that not being alone is okay also.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html?smid=fb-share&_r=1
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: MR on March 03, 2017, 12:12:12 PM
Nice article but life always doesn't give you chance to do this kind of stuff.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: bdean38 on March 03, 2017, 12:18:02 PM
Wow, that's beautiful!
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: TooSoon on March 03, 2017, 12:18:42 PM
THat's so sweet; thanks for posting it.  It made me smile. 
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: RyanAmysMom on March 03, 2017, 05:56:27 PM
This may sound odd, but my husband and I never talked about it - but he knew that I would eventually start dating again.  When we got married, we both knew we'd not live our full lives together - he had a heart/lung condition that we knew would take him young - He was 44 when he passed -
We never talked about it because he couldn't bear the thought - and I never told him whether I would.....  But in my heart, I have always known that I would want and would seek a second relationship..... 
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Julester3 on March 03, 2017, 07:35:09 PM
We did talk about dying and stuff only ever once when we were deciding about life insurance when the girls were little still. I told him I wouldn't mind if he looked for someone if I were to die first. Josh needed taking care of and I couldn't imagine him alone. It broke my heart. When he asked me what I would do if he died first, I told him without hesitation that I only believed God made one person for us and it was him. I know he didn't want me to be alone either but I struggle because of what I believe in. So if I am ever brave to try, I know he'd be okay with it. I have to come to terms with myself.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: wecouldbeheros on March 03, 2017, 08:31:37 PM
It is strange that when we become complacent, something detrimental happens. I once was told that.
I think it's something only a widow or widower understands.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: klim on March 03, 2017, 09:50:49 PM
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly ...no time to converse.
But I have a few indicators of what he would have said about me dating. 

His sister was widowed 15 years earlier and he never understood why she remained on her own...even tried to set her up.

My mother was widowed at the age of 78 and he commented on the fact he thought it was good that she kept her looks up and thought it would be "cute if she found a new man"

The only other thing I know is my priority has to be our kids....and then I should choose well for myself......and I do bolster my confidence by remembering how much he loved me. ( I even choose specific pieces of jewelry for  dates ....a certain necklace that he bought me and a bracelet that was definitely an expression of love)

Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Jess on March 04, 2017, 10:13:46 AM
My husband died suddenly as well so we'd never talked about it. There was no point as we were happy together and we're going to grow old together. I kept coming back to something he would say all the time: "I just want you to be happy." I decided I didn't think death would change one of his fundamental desires for me. Being happy wouldn't necessarily mean he wanted me to find someone, but it meant I need to make decisions and choices that were towards the goal of being happy. I do my best to do that.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: twin_mom on March 08, 2017, 07:33:16 PM
We did talk about it.... We had lots of time to talk about my future without him, unfortunately in some respects.... But that's another conversation.

He knew that I would "hermit"-his word, not mine- for awhile but that there was a 50/50 chance I'd recouple. I think he would be surprised that I didn't hermit longer.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: RobFTC on March 08, 2017, 10:00:42 PM
My wife arranged to send me a letter a month after she died, to thank me and to say goodbye.  It blew me away.  It touched on this, with these words:

"I love you.  I will always love you.  I hope you will grieve and then move on to find a new life partner."

So I have always felt like I had explicit permission to date.

Take care,
Rob T
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Missmybecky on March 10, 2017, 12:53:26 PM
My wife arranged to send me a letter a month after she died, to thank me and to say goodbye.  It blew me away.  It touched on this, with these words:

"I love you.  I will always love you.  I hope you will grieve and then move on to find a new life partner."

So I have always felt like I had explicit permission to date.

Take care,
Rob T

That is aweome! My DW would never speak about her impending death. I have searched the house looking for something that she may have left, but after 4 years I think that is unlikely. I figure a lot of people on here never even got the chance to say goodbye, so I don't feel bad about that.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Bunny on March 13, 2017, 04:35:16 PM
So young...my heart aches for her husband, now at the very beginning of this widowed journey...

RIP

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/03/13/520021848/author-modern-love-essayist-amy-krouse-rosenthal-dies-at-51
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Bear Shannon on April 24, 2017, 09:52:11 PM
Did your spouse talk about you dating?

Nope
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Love2fish on April 24, 2017, 11:29:26 PM
We talked about it as a hypothetical years before.  We were always on the same page about such things so I had no doubts about how she would want me to live my life.

Her two best friends looked out for me the first few months and I talked to them about my dating.  They both said that I would have her blessing.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Mac on April 25, 2017, 11:01:28 AM
Yes. Our old neighborhood in CA became more upscale over the years. Some men would divorce and remarry once they were financially well off. Cindy use to refer to it as getting "arm candy." Cindy use to tease me repeatedly: "Mac, promise me that if anything should ever happen to me that you will get some "arm candy." She said it to me in front of a co-worker just 2 weeks before she passed unexpectedly. I recently found out that she made comments about it to a relative just a couple of days before she passed. It does make smile and laugh when I think about it.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: MR on April 25, 2017, 01:27:56 PM
We never spoke about it and god didn't gave chance to talk as it was medical accident and she never ever woke up.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: jgib on April 25, 2017, 11:08:42 PM
Mine died in an accident so it was quick and unexpected.
I will say that he did speak of it once and said if I was with another he would come back and haunt me!  Lol
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Wheelerswife on April 25, 2017, 11:24:33 PM
My first husband and I discussed the reality that I would have a different life after he died. He had a progressive genetic disease and we knew he was likely to die long before me. My second husband was also widowed. We never talked about what we would do when one of us was widowed again. We certainly didn't anticipate him dying so soon. But I have no difficulty knowing he would want me to find happiness with someone else.

Maureen
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: arneal on April 28, 2017, 12:42:01 PM
I think my LH knew his time was short. Once he got sicker he would talk about not wanting me to be alone for the rest of my life. He even told our pastor at the time that was his biggest fear, that I would shut myself off. Once he died and I had time to be alone, I realized I didn't want to always be alone. I went online and started looking as I hadn't dated for real in 25 years between two previous and now deceased husbands. I am grateful he said it, even though I was furious at the time :) It freed me from feeling guilty about rearranging things in the house, taking down photos and putting up others, and of course finding a 'real' person to connect with and having NG stay over.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: trying2breathe on April 29, 2017, 01:02:20 PM
DH died unexpectedly, so we never talked about either of us dating another.  Honestly, I'm not so sure that he would be entirely happy that I'm dating - he was very competitive and could be jealous at times,  Should I have been the one to go first, I certainly would have wanted him to find somebody else.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Adley on May 22, 2017, 09:44:22 AM
Yes, funnily enough, before she ever got sick she had a stern command that if anything were to happen, I would not go back to any ex. Roger that, Sweety. I miss her.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Christopher on August 19, 2017, 05:42:28 PM
Back when I was nearly working myself to death we talked about it, agreed that if one of us died that the other should go find another spouse and be happy, then that was it.

I found out after she died that she had taken out life insurance on me in the event I did actually work myself to death. She did not have plans to move on though.

Neither did I. I wanted a lifetime and all I got was 7 years, which ended 7 years ago.

I cannot honor her wishes if I cannot find someone that will genuinely commit.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: Virgo on August 20, 2017, 03:24:01 AM
The topic was brought up once during his chemotherapy. He said, "you're going to make some lucky guy an amazing wife." I said, "I already do." I know it was his way of coping with the unknown, but I wasn't ready to hear it.
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on August 20, 2017, 07:22:19 AM
No, it didn't happen. 
Title: Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
Post by: arneal on August 20, 2017, 10:02:52 AM
Virgo -- I agree. Mine told me not to sit around, locking myself away from the world should something happen to him.