Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: CandiceS on April 06, 2017, 10:33:02 PM

Title: How do you cope?
Post by: CandiceS on April 06, 2017, 10:33:02 PM
Its been a week. I had to return to school so I wouldn't lose my financial aid. I've already started screwing up there because I can't concentrate. I'm finding other things to keep myself occupied because the viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday. I'm creating an online scrapbook for our kids at the moment, writing in my favorite memories so I don't forget. Going down memory lane is nice, but tomorrow is going to be a punch in the face seeing him there. What have you guys done to cope? I've always been the kind of person to keep looking forward, and moving on with life, but I've never been in a situation like this.
Title: Re: How do you cope?
Post by: Trying on April 07, 2017, 06:58:32 AM
I am very sorry for your loss and can't even imagine what it is like to return to school so soon, before you even have the funeral.  Of course you can't concentrate, hopefully your professors will cut you some slack and allow you some extensions.

In these early days and weeks looking forward more than a few hours may be too difficult so just focus on the immediate tasks.  Sleeping, eating, showering, drinking water and accepting any help that is offered should be your focus.  After the funeral is over and friends and family go back to their own lives you will have no choice but to cope with the bigger things.

Tight hugs to you and your children as you face the viewing and funeral.  We will be here to support you.
Title: Re: How do you cope?
Post by: Julester3 on April 07, 2017, 07:10:33 AM
I am feeling for you today as I just made it to our 1 year mark today and I'm mentally reliving the events in my head. For the wake and funeral, I got through by sheer determination, trying to be solid for my girls, and by drawing whatever strength I could from every hug I got. I hugged everyone who came to me those 2 days and it helped me feel the good intentions and strength from the people who gave them to me freely. It was all I was asking for really.

It is hard to move on, to want to move on, but you learn how to function and somehow you figure and accept that it will keep you distracted and busy as you continue to process. Real life and responsibility are cruel to us widows/widowers because they force us to return to existing. Hugs for you and your kids today.
Title: Re: How do you cope?
Post by: Wheelerswife on April 07, 2017, 08:13:09 AM
Hi, CandiceS,

From someone who is in Student Affairs, my best advice is to immediately identify yourself to your office of Student Affairs on campus.  It may have a different name..Student Services, the Dean of Students, etc.  They will most likely work to support you in this really difficult time.  They may have the power to do things such as override some rules if you need incompletes in a course, etc.  Please also take advantage of your college or university counseling center.

I was also a student when my second husband died.  I returned to the classroom 11 days after he died with a new semester.  School gave me purpose.  I know you have a LOT on your plate right now, but if you are on semesters, right now the semester's end is only weeks away.  You might be able to pull this off.  After that, you can decide if you want to give yourself a break from school.

Hugs to you.  This is an awful lot to process right now.

Maureen

Title: Re: How do you cope?
Post by: Mizpah on April 07, 2017, 08:39:28 AM
I wasn't a student and I didn't have kids, but in general, this is what I did: therapy (lots), outside time (lots) to get sunshine/vitamin D and to try to decrease the sense of isolation - pretending to still be part of the world when I felt I was not, working out/running/physical activity - endorphins, figured out which of my friends had infinite patience and love and interest in my sadness and loss and thought process/emotional and social needs at that time, writing - I didn't even worry about complete sentences but it helped me to get things out to just jot thoughts and feelings and memories down (kept a small notebook with me at all times for when a memory or feeling overwhelmed me and I thought if I didn't get it out I'd go nuts), I did things in his memory (planted a memorial garden, "bought" a bench from our local park and had a plaque put on it, learned his native language, spent time with his family, read books he loved, even traveled halfway across the world alone to make a pilgrimage to his birthplace, etc.), simplified my life as much as possible from de-cluttering my apartment to taking solace in things as basic as watching the leaves of a tree in the breeze, and of course leaned heavily on the online brothers and sisters who had walked and/or were walking my same path and who spoke my language when no one in my life did....

I would DEFINITELY talk to your school and professors to let them know what's going on with you and to gain support/assistance.  It's different, but I returned to work very quickly, and it really helped me to just be straightforward about what my limitations and needs were at that time - people probably DO want to help you, but won't know how unless you are open with them and people are better at doing things when we make it easy for them! - help them help you. 

The process of archiving photos and securing memories in writing are the kinds of things that were so important to me.  Doing it early is really smart, and I believe helps us process this giant, huge, unbearable loss/change. 

Thinking of you, and wishing you comforts and solace.
Title: Re: How do you cope?
Post by: MR on April 07, 2017, 09:26:39 AM
Hi CandiceS,
So sorry for your loss and the circumstances god has put you in. I started work with in few days of funeral and both my kids started their new semester. My advice is similar to everyone else take it easy but don't let the condition you are in effect your semester as you have worked hard on this semester. It is very easy to say but we all know very difficult to do as we can't concentrate. Yes good idea to connect with school body which can help you.

Hugs
Manoj
Title: Re: How do you cope?
Post by: Mrs.johnson on April 07, 2017, 10:18:14 AM
My husband passed away March 14, 2017 and in the mist of all that i have my praxis exam (to become a teacher) on April 5th...i just started back studying and I don't force myself to do to much...i study in 45 minute intervals...so don't put too much pressure on yourself...do what you can...