Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: CandiceS on May 11, 2017, 06:31:16 PM

Title: Having an identity crisis and questioning everything
Post by: CandiceS on May 11, 2017, 06:31:16 PM
I have a bad habit of basically devoting my life to people. I did everything to make my bf happy, and now that he's gone I don't know what to do with myself. I dont know what I like or who to talk to because I followed him like a puppy. He never asked me to do anything and encouraged me to do whatever I wanted, but I just wanted to do things together. Now that I'm really letting myself reflect on our relationship as a whole, I realize he probably didn't really love me. He did a lot of things to try to drive me away and his friends were always really mean to me and blamed me for all of his problems. I feel guilty that I wasted the last three years of his life, but I don't understand why he didn't tell me. I've questioned whether his death was accidental or on purpose a lot since it happened because he went from completely clean to abusing every drug he could get his hands on. You don't do that if you're happy with your life. I thought we were doing better. We split for a couple weeks in October, he begged me to come back, and we were pretty much perfect together. He showed no signs of wanting to leave, but he also never wanted to talk about his problems. I know this post is probably all over the place, but I can't stop thinking about it and I can't talk to anyone because my family is really judgmental and there's no way in hell I'm bringing it up to his parents.
Title: Re: Having an identity crisis and questioning everything
Post by: Julester3 on May 11, 2017, 11:21:39 PM
Sounds like you are still processing. I think the trick is to remind yourself that you cannot essentially change anything that occurred. You need to absolve yourself of any guilt because you didn't have control over the things he decided to do.

As for your identity crisis - you need to find yourself and decide what will work for you. Do you have to completely decide? No! You can work on it and make it a work in progress. There is no wrong or right way. For myself, I had to look for the version of me that was completely independent from my husband, who could survive fine without having him every day to myself and re-aquaint myself to that version of me and then put my modern, wiser spin on it. I've found contentment and I am comfortable with it. It may come to you randomly or you might have to work on it. Sometimes it's defining who you are now and who you'd like to be on a day to day basis - I'm a mom, a scientist, and a crafter in that order. I can be sarcastic, glib but I am honest and I will be as optimistic as I can be. I will help people but within the capacity that I can sustain. Etc. I think you get the idea...hope it gives you something to think about.

Hugs for you today...
Title: Re: Having an identity crisis and questioning everything
Post by: Trying on May 12, 2017, 07:41:44 AM
Candice, I am also a pleaser, although less so as I've gotten older, so I can relate to your post and your tendacy to second guess your role in bf's choices.  But please listen and believe this one thing, you are never responsible for the choices of another person! Do not question his love for you, he loved you in the best way he could within the limitations of his addiction.

You are now forced to make some choices for yourself and I hope you choose to work on yourself, find your own purpose and your own joy so that if you choose to find another partner in the future, it will be someone who enriches your already full life.  Try new things, bring back old passions you let slip away, accept opportunities that present themselves and remember that YOU are worth the effort.

Title: Re: Having an identity crisis and questioning everything
Post by: Michael797 on May 12, 2017, 08:19:38 AM
Dear Candice,

There's sort of an old saying that you can't give out water if your well's run dry. Something like this will drain your well right down to the dirt, and I don't think many of us would have the strength to fill our own wells all by ourselves. At the risk of sounding like an infomercial or something, I do think posting here and reading replies will at least keep you inching forward back into the daylight. But I also think you're going to need someone really close and personal to vent to - someone who, even if they have no idea what you're going through, will at least care enough to watch and listen. If there's nobody in your life who will do that for you, consider getting a professional. Above all, if you're going to open your well up for business again, now would be a good time to ask others to help you fill it.

I'll be one of them. Send me a private message if you need to. I'm not Yoda, but I know how to listen.

My heart truly goes out to you.