Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Beyond the First Year (1+ years) => Topic started by: Jen on May 22, 2017, 11:20:55 PM

Title: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on May 22, 2017, 11:20:55 PM
I was hoping I could type them, but that's a wash too. I don't feel I belong here anymore, but I don't have anywhere else to go. Three years, one month, 12 days... I had convinced myself (and my therapist!) that I was better. Moving forward, accepting the New Normal. Now it feels like I'm back at the beginning, back in hell-- only it's a different hell than the one I knew so well. This one is colder, grayer... emptier, although I can't understand how that's possible. I feel alone and helpless, broken and useless. Not depressed-- ironically, I've got that under control, thanks to well-adjusted medication and the aforementioned therapist's assistance. Just... resigned to this interminable bleakness. Or maybe not, since it's bothering me enough to write this.

I'm ashamed of feeling this way. Objectively, I look at my life now and I wonder what on earth I have to complain about. Anyone else would say I've got my crap together. But inside I don't. Inside I'm small and lost and scared that this is all there will ever be. I don't know where to go from here-- if this is recovery, it doesn't feel like anything I'd imagined.

I think I spent three years telling myself that if I hung on, if I worked hard and did the best I could-- if I was a Good Girl, in other words-- then my efforts would be recognized, and I'd be awarded my Get Out of Hell card. Now I'm starting to see that this really is permanent, there's no parole-- hell is a life sentence, and I'm in solitary confinement. Even Satan has turned his back on me.

Apologies for the grim (not to mention egocentric) content. Lately I've developed an intense need to be heard, but there hasn't been anybody to listen. I've exhausted whatever support I had-- the statute of limitations runs out for everyone else pretty quickly, after all. Y'all are all I have left, but I may be as much an outsider here as I am everywhere else. If that's the case, I'm sorry to intrude. And sorry to sound so pathetic, but I needed to get this out.

Peace,

Jen
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Monique on May 23, 2017, 02:05:22 AM
No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic. I'm sorry you're feeling that emptiness again... I imagine none of us will ever completely escape it. Life is changed forever when you lose the person you love. But I hope that there are better days ahead for you, and I'll be here listening. Hugs...
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on May 23, 2017, 03:59:02 AM
I'm with Monique too Jen, I'll be here listening as well.  Keep posting and hang on girl. One day at a time. 
Hugs to you
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Mizpah on May 23, 2017, 11:30:52 AM
You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering.  You're in my heart and in my hopes.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: bromans on May 23, 2017, 11:59:56 AM
No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic.
You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering. 

I'll echo these thoughts, and I'll be here listening. Hugs.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Lisa on May 23, 2017, 12:32:30 PM
please dont apologize and by all means keep posting, I know it feels like back sliding, but it isnt. grief changes. you may feel as if you are at day one but you arent. 3 years is a weird time. I thought I was doing well but I was out of control.
It takes much longer to be at peace with your past and present, please dont judge yourself. be kind to yourself.
hugs
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: oneoftwo on May 23, 2017, 01:12:08 PM
Jen, Monique
(I was too tired to reply when I first read the original, sole two posts on this thread)

This is the reason I keep coming back to widda.org
There is someone who will write what is in my head, and someone who will reply with kindness

thank you
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Monique on May 23, 2017, 02:04:09 PM
oneoftwo-

Hugs to you too. I know what you mean- sometimes I don't have the right words to express what I'm feeling, but then I find someone here who DOES, and just reading other's experiences helps me to feel less alone.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Euf on May 23, 2017, 05:25:55 PM
I wrote something similar on the old board at around 3 years.  I wrote it a few more times as the years went by.   I worked so hard and made progress but when I actually looked at where I was, it seemed such a small step forward compared to the work and agony and frustration I’d been through. I tried not to compare myself to others but it was hard not to.

Every word you wrote. . .read that again. . . EVERY WORD YOU WROTE describes how I felt for what seemed like longer than everyone else.

One of the old time widows back on YWBB (I forget who it was) used to say that most of her healing happened between 5 and 10 years and it happened without her really noticing it.  I guess now I get to be the old time widow that says that.  I don’t mean things didn’t improve before 5 years but simply that between 5 & 10 years I started making leaps forward instead of inching my way through life. Still some backsliding but overall I kept going in the right direction.

I was what I considered a slow griever.  Maybe you are too.  So I just wanted to say that I did find my way through grief and came out on the other side of it.  I know how discouraging it seems at the point you are at but I am sending you a message from the future.

It’s OK to still feel the way you feel so try not to get  too discouraged. It may take longer than you once imagined. For some of us widowhood is a marathon and not a sprint but we still get to the finish line.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: trying2breathe on May 23, 2017, 05:46:46 PM
Jen  Three years and then some, I can relate.  You're not an outsider.  Big big hugs to you, I'm listening too
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Wheelerswife on May 23, 2017, 05:55:42 PM
3 years and 4 months. Some days I seem to have it together. Other days, I feel like I am falling apart. It doesn't always feel safe to talk about the falling apart part...

Maureen
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: RemysWife on May 23, 2017, 09:36:50 PM
Grief comes and goes in such waves. The board is here so you have a place to get those feelings out. We're here for you and it's always good to look for support when you need it. ((Hugs))
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Julester3 on May 23, 2017, 10:26:05 PM
You do belong here with the rest of us - I sometimes feel we are the real island of misfit toys. There is no wrong or right. There are days we will feel fine and days where we can't even contemplate the day at all. I still refuse to make any long term plans for myself. We do what we can to move from moment to moment and move onward. Point is we are but it doesn't matter how quickly or slowly - time is in arbitrary here in our own life space. There are days where nothing will make sense and days we will have such acute clarity. Hugs for you today - you may think you've exhausted your resources but you haven't.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on May 24, 2017, 09:16:54 AM
I wanted to respond to these last night, but it's hard to type when you're crying. Thank you all for your words and your understanding. I look around at other wids, other members of my "class" and even some a few months behind, and it seems like so many have... moved on. Found their new lives. New peace of mind. New love. Things I don't have and probably never will. I don't understand what's wrong with me (independent of my wid-hood, I've just always felt like an alien)-- I'm introverted and solitary by nature, so why am I so lonely? I used to write stories in which heroic princesses made daring rescues of innocent monsters from the clutches of nefarious knights-- so why in hell am I so hung up on the idea that I need to be saved? Why do I think re-coupling is the only way to survive this?

My rational self, if there is such a thing, doesn't really believe that. My pitifully scarred heart begs to differ. I honestly don't know how to reconcile the two. I get angry at myself when I start to slide into self-pity and despair-- I'm fine, I'm FINE, I have everything I need and the means to obtain most anything I want, so SHUT UP. Truthfully, there is very little that I do want, anyway. So why the moping and longing and aching for what's missing?

I feel like there are two Jens in here, and I don't know how to integrate them. They want diametrically opposite things, and they're both pretty insistent. I guess that means there's a third, the one writing this, who just wants some peace and quiet...

I swear I'm not as crazy as I sound. I have a professional's endorsement on that! I just... I'm lost. Still. I'm okay but I'm not. Mostly I feel like the clock is ticking and I'm no closer to resolving this than I was three years ago. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, but I can't see any alternative. It's like that old bear hunt song we sang in preschool: "can't go around it, gotta go through it." But haven't I gone through it long enough???

There's a line in Pierre, Natasha, and the Great Comet of 1812, referring to a folk divination technique-- you look into a mirror holding a candle and you'll see your future (a doting husband and lots of fat babies, if you're a 19th century Russian girl): "I see nothing but the candle in the mirror, no visions of the future, so lost and alone... " That plays pretty much nonstop in my head, while I protest that it doesn't matter, I'm perfectly fine. I should be, anyway. I've had three years to get over this. I barely remember how to be a wife or partner anyway. Why does it still feel like damnation?

I'm all over the place here. Thank you for letting me get it out of my brain.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Mizpah on May 24, 2017, 12:07:25 PM
It is NORMAL to want love.  There's NOTHING "wrong with you" for feeling lonely.  Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert or any of the (often nonsensical, constricting) classifications and definitions we impose upon ourselves, we crave closeness and care and connection, by creature nature.  For me, grief showed me that I needed to let go of what I thought I was, and let myself be.  You don't need to be saved and re-coupling isn't the only way to survive it, but didn't our lost loves show us that love is, as DH used to say, the ultimate prize in life?  We seek it, even when we wish we wouldn't, even when we don't want to, even when we wish we could just be satisfied with what we have.  Don't do this to yourself: "I've had three years to get over it, what's wrong with me?"  A life was extinguished.  Your life was hugely altered.  It's bad enough to feel so bad, but to feel badly about feeling bad....  Let yourself off the hook a little.  Don't judge yourself for wanting what we all want.  I hope you find some peace, and what you're longing for. 
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Trying on May 24, 2017, 02:15:42 PM
I love what Mizpah said.  We all need to treat ourselves with the same gentleness and understanding that we treat each other.  You have every right to your feelings, as conflicting as they may seem at times.  I also think it is natural to crave connection to another person, we all had that once so wanting it again makes sense, not as a "fix" but as an enhancement to our complicated lives. 

Something I am working on with myself that struck me with your post is learning to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination.  Easier said than done but the future can be daunting and full of so many unknowns.  This and the temptation to compare ourselves to others.  For you it's fellow wids here, for me it's other mom's on damn FB with their perfect lives and perfect kids.  I know that it's mostly illusion but I often fall into the trap of feeling less than. 

You belong here, nothing is wrong with you.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on May 25, 2017, 06:27:40 PM
(((Hugs))) Thank you for hearing me. It helps more than I can say. I keep telling myself this will pass, feelings change... it feels like a lie. I don't want to stay mired here and then wake up one day to find that I've wasted ten years, fifteen, more. I'm so tired of being miserable, but I can't manage to hold onto anything else. Maybe the problem is that, deep down, I think I deserve misery.

Statistics aren't on my side, as far as Chapter 2 chances go. If I could just accept that, it might help... so far, no dice. Sigh.



Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Suki1 on May 26, 2017, 08:48:28 PM
Hi Jen, I'm just a couple of months behind you on the timeline. When I first found YWBB, months after my husband's passing, I would read your posts and think, "But that's exactly how I feel!" Some of the things I was thinking, I didn't dare tell anyone I knew. Not that they would have understood, anyhow. But so many of your posts echoed my thoughts, and reading what you wrote made me see I wasn't entirely alone. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. There were days when I read some of them over and over again. I will always be grateful to you for posting so honestly.

Nobody ever asks me how I'm doing. Nobody even seems to remember that I once had a husband I loved. This is still the one place I know I can come where people will understand. So don't feel you don't belong, or aren't welcome. We're here to help each other, and burdens are lighter when you have someone to help you carry them.

Sending you LOTS of hugs.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Mrskro on May 26, 2017, 10:12:20 PM
Quote
"I see nothing but the candle in the mirror, no visions of the future, so lost and alone... " That plays pretty much nonstop in my head, while I protest that it doesn't matter, I'm perfectly fine. I should be, anyway. I've had three years to get over this. I barely remember how to be a wife or partner anyway. Why does it still feel like damnation?

Jen; 

I'm a bit behind you, timeline wise, in 4 months and a bit, it will be 3 years,  my God how did it get to be three years. 

I've missed you on the board and your honesty,  I could never put into words the way I felt like you did, but I heard you, I am you.   I'm sorry, I couldn't say, well write my feelings out like you did, maybe I should have to help you too. 

In so many ways, I'm over the loss of my partner, my husband, I am definitely not over the loss of my kids father.  I know that part never goes away. 

I sit here and wonder where I went.  I am an introvert too, honestly most of the time I'd rather be home by myself, work takes most of my socializing energy away, and at this point anyone I'd like to have socialized with is tired of me.  My DH was my energy, he helped me deal with people, he helped me get the energy I needed to deal, and now that's gone too.  But I used to be able to, I used to love being around some people, now I decline invites more than I accept. 

I don't know if it's dealing with the kids and their lives, their friends without a buffer sucks any life out of me that I may have had, or if its this shitty hand I've been dealt.  My therapist says I'm an introvert, dealing with people is draining,  I think I need a new one,  I knew that going in. 

Anyway, I could ramble on, but please know you are not an outsider.   And I hear you!



Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Bunny on May 28, 2017, 10:56:52 AM
Thank you for starting this thread. Your words have always moved me and I've been worrying about you. It's funny how much love you can have in your heart for a complete stranger. It feels like this site has not yet made it to the place the old board had reached, where people felt more comfortable sharing the raw and ugly and scary feelings. I think it's important to keep posting stuff like this (please). Hopefully it will inspire someone else to feel safe enough to be completely honest about where their head is at.

I'm also a slow griever. It's five years next month (and I am in a good relationship) and I am struggling still. But it is different, evolving, and I'm having trouble putting any of it into words, so most of the time I just don't try anymore. It feels embarrassing, or something. I do remember the long time widow Euf mentioned from the old board (all that lost wisdom makes me so sad) and her words give me hope that it won't always be like this.

Keep writing -even when it feels stupid and pointless and whiny. Keep sharing- even when it feels you are the last one straggling behind everyone else. Because there are people reading your words who are not bold enough to share their own but need desperately to see they are not alone.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on May 28, 2017, 11:04:12 AM
Very well said Bunny!!
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on May 28, 2017, 11:56:19 PM
I was trying to explain to a coworker earlier how I feel these days. I don't miss Jim-- I mean, yes, of course I miss him, I always will-- but it's not the constant ache it used to be. Now more than anything I miss... belonging. Being part of a unit. No matter who I'm with these days, I'm on the outside looking in. I can't imagine ever finding another partner-- I guess it's technically possible, but so is my winning the powerball while getting struck by lightning. Anything is possible... it's just not very likely.

People tend to laugh uncomfortably when I express this opinion, but they don't contradict me, either. Lately that's made me very bitter. What's so terrible about me, that nobody could ever want me? I know I think that about myself, but does everyone else have to think it as well?

I feel like such a failure in life. I blew my one chance at lasting happiness because I didn't take care of what I had. I took him for granted, and discovered too late that he was literally one in 7 billion. Now I get to spend the next three or four decades repenting at leisure.

I know this is not the sort of attitude that is going to get me very far. Self-pity is ugly and pointless. But that's where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

Thank you. All of you. *hugs* It helps to be heard.

Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: MR on May 29, 2017, 03:28:52 PM
I am only 9 months out and some days are difficult to handle then others. Reading all above kind of made me sad but also prepare me for what will or can come.
Hugs
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on May 30, 2017, 03:01:23 AM
Reading all above kind of made me sad but also prepare me for what will or can come.
Hugs

I am so, so sorry. That's exactly why I hesitate to post, because I don't want to scare anyone. Maybe I should start with "results not typical " or something... "your mileage may vary." From where I sit, I'm more the exception than the rule-- but that could just be my personal bias. We're all the tragic hero (ine) of our own dramas, you know?

In my mind, I'm stuck in purgatory while all around me I see "classmates" moving on, graduating, getting out. My rational side knows better, but it gets drowned out by the melodramatic woe-is-me side that's forever shrieking, "DOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!"

I see others get through and move forward. I have no doubt that it's possible, even likely-- for anyone but me. I'm pretty much convinced that this is the end of the line. I would love to be proved wrong, but...

Sometimes I want to yell and scream "it's not fair!" at the top of my lungs, even though I'm aware that life isn't fair and plenty of people are worse off than I am and it is what it is and so on... I have a meltdown and post here, because it's safe and I feel understood. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, lonely and sad and resentful. Right now I don't see any alternative. But that's just me-- my doom, my Shakespearean tragedy. Most people seem to do better.

Please forgive my self-absorbed wallowing. I just really needed to talk it out a bit.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on May 30, 2017, 03:24:39 AM
Hey Jen, do you ever take the time to "yell and scream "it's not fair!" at the top of my lungs"?  Sometimes it can be cathartic.  Lord knows I have done it and I must admit it helps! You have no idea if you are the only one feeling this way at your time frame.  You never know if others are reading and thinking "wow, glad I'm not the only one".  Cut yourself some slack and just keep on going. 
One other thing I do, is not compare myself to anyone else.  I'm the only one that has walked in my shoes and it does me no benefit to compare myself to others.  We are all unique in our own quirky ways! Wouldn't this world be so boring if we were all the same.
Hugs to you.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: iloveyoualways on May 31, 2017, 12:53:56 AM
Hi Jen, thanks for being so honest. I rarely post my true feelings as I'm over six years out on this shitty journey. I believe my widowhood journey has been very slow and atypical due to compounded losses. I don't want my honesty to scare any newbies but also feel like nobody in my time frame will understand. So I keep quiet. And it eats me up. I have gone through so many angry seas I think that I would know how to navigate them by now. Nope, I don't. Last night I was having a dream with my husband, a very rare one, and I was angry at him because I had to pay for the childcare even though he was not working.

I expect negative things to happen now. I find that when I'm anticipating something positive, like my degree or professional registration that I just attained, my mood doesn't match the accomplishment. Like I can't feel proud or happy. There's a man at work who I though that I had a crush on. I only realized my crush when I found out he now has a girlfriend. I was a little jealous. I felt like I had many chances to make a move but he would never be who my husband was so what was the point? But I realize that I've had relationships since I was fifteen and have wanted other ones after breakups. Maybe I don't deserve the happiness that I once had. Or maybe I feel unwanted and ugly now. Part of me can't fathom another loss so I feel like I've turned off the capacity for that emotion. I have very few meaningful relationships but don't feel lonely either anymore. I think that it may be complicated grief in my case but feel like I'm not grieving like I was three years ago.

It has gotten a little better these last two years. For me I have taken it a day at a time to stay alive. If I thought too far ahead I couldn't cope. I had so many things figured out in my previous life and everything came down like a deck of cards.

I hope that you keep posting as someone understands and may not be able to expresses themselves as well as you. And please know that you are not alone.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: oneoftwo on May 31, 2017, 10:33:48 AM
Jen,
I'm Eeyoring right next to you, I think this plateau is unending.
I'm a long way out, even other folks on this board have said "oh, just give it time" - not knowing how long it's been. I think this is just it now.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on June 01, 2017, 08:16:51 PM
"I think this is just it now." -- Exactly. And that terrifies me. I've never been a patient person; I want things resolved now. I've done the work. I've come to terms with my bereavement. For the longest time, I wanted nothing more in the world than to wake up dead-- but I stuck it out, I stayed around. Yay me, but it looks suspiciously like there's no one waiting to hand me a medal for continuing to breathe.

I guess what I'm getting at is... What was the point?? All the anguish and despair, struggling through the abyss when I just wanted to stop-- what was it all for, if this is all that was waiting on the other side?

I know, I know. That's defeatist, pessimistic-- it's only been three years, anything could happen. We all know that life can change completely in a single heartbeat. And yeah, that's what I would tell anybody else in this situation. But myself? I can't see it. It feels like I'm running out of time.

I do scream sometimes, even if it's just into my pillow or on paper, because it really isn't fair. I had so much capacity in me for love, but nobody wants it. I wish I could just accept it and quit thinking about it.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on June 21, 2017, 05:30:53 PM
Struggling today-- hopelessness, self-loathing, wondering why I'm still here. I realize that healthy, well-adjusted people don't feel this way about themselves, but I don't know how not to. I look back at my life and see so much wasted potential-- or maybe just the deluded belief that I ever had any. I try to look ahead, and there's.... nothing. Years and years of the same emptiness. I can't even blame it on widowhood-- I've reached the conclusion that it's an inherent flaw in my mechanism. When Jim was here, he gave me stability, safety, encouragement-- all the things I crave and can't provide for myself.

Someone told me once, "We all have to learn to self-soothe." I'm trying, I really am... just can't manage it today.
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: jgib on June 21, 2017, 05:52:15 PM
I was trying to explain to a coworker earlier how I feel these days. I don't miss Jim-- I mean, yes, of course I miss him, I always will-- but it's not the constant ache it used to be. Now more than anything I miss... belonging. Being part of a unit. No matter who I'm with these days, I'm on the outside looking in. I can't imagine ever finding another partner-- I guess it's technically possible, but so is my winning the powerball while getting struck by lightning. Anything is possible... it's just not very likely.

People tend to laugh uncomfortably when I express this opinion, but they don't contradict me, either. Lately that's made me very bitter. What's so terrible about me, that nobody could ever want me? I know I think that about myself, but does everyone else have to think it as well?

I feel like such a failure in life. I blew my one chance at lasting happiness because I didn't take care of what I had. I took him for granted, and discovered too late that he was literally one in 7 billion. Now I get to spend the next three or four decades repenting at leisure.

I know this is not the sort of attitude that is going to get me very far. Self-pity is ugly and pointless. But that's where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

Thank you. All of you. *hugs* It helps to be heard.

I can certainly say, in all honesty, you are not alone.....
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on June 25, 2017, 09:15:56 PM
Hugs to you. I wish I knew a solution. All I know is that I'm lonely as hell and I don't understand what I have  (or lack) that makes me basically invisible to other humans. On the bright side, I have two new kittens to cuddle...
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: jgib on June 26, 2017, 12:02:13 PM
I went the puppy route.  They help, A LOT!
Enjoy the kittens and connecting with them. Coming home to my little dogs is the best part of my day now.......
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Raymond on August 29, 2017, 11:13:41 AM
Good Afternoon, approaching a year here shortly.

Jen, grief is an echo of ourselves.  Unique to each of us.  Incapable of comparison for this reason.  Your love for Jim forever sings in your heart.  So it must be.   Mayhap a new song will come along  . . .  . mayhap not. 

I've written before here that you don't have to die to stop living.  A fog everyone here understands all to well.

My grandmother, who passed at 99, always explained a problem shared is a problem halved. 

Keep sharing Jen . . .  and I hope a melody will arrive.

p.s. a kitten's purring is very melodic  :)
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: Jen on September 04, 2017, 04:38:33 AM
Raymond, thank you for posting this. It feels ever so slightly hopeful, and even though I don't trust hope, I appreciate its presence-- elusive and transient as that may be.

The kittens have grown large enough and bold enough not to want to cuddle much, so my daughter took matters into her own hands last week: I came home to a very friendly, very energetic, very awkward, and very large German Shepherd mix puppy! If nothing else, she doesn't let me sit still long enough to brood...
Title: Re: All the words I can't say
Post by: beth_krkswidow on September 07, 2017, 10:30:05 AM
I'm not at 3 years, so I may have nothing to add. 1 year and 3.5 months.

You are widowed so by default you belong here. Sorry. The "new normal" is anything but normal.  There is nothing wrong with you as there is nothing wrong with me despite what all the DGI'S have to say about that. They all have the miracle cure. They have no clue; and I'm sorry, God, but I spend much time hating them.

Nothing I say or anyone else says will ever help. What helps is knowing that, scattered across the globe, there are a few of us unlucky souls who understand - because we're in the same hell. not the same spot in hell. But the same hell.

Warm hugs

Ps. I had read only page 1 and didn't know there were 2 more pages...  A puppy!!!  Wonderful!