Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Shock Wears Off, Reality Sets In ( 6 to 12 months) => Topic started by: KrypticKat on May 27, 2017, 01:03:02 PM

Title: Friend Coming Back
Post by: KrypticKat on May 27, 2017, 01:03:02 PM
Title: Re: Friend Coming Back
Post by: Portside on May 27, 2017, 01:12:16 PM
I think we can all agree that every widow/widower is affected by the death of their spouse. This seems like a "Duh" statement but hear me out.

Given that my first statement is an undeniable truth, could it not also be, by extension, that each of our friends and relatives have also been greatly affected by the passing of our spouse? Certainly, not to the same degree but still, affected. Some react positively and do what we need/want without a thought, others react by acting poorly or not in what we think are our interests, and still others are stunned into foolishness or inattentiveness and can not act at all.

I tried to apply the parable of the prodigal son when friends returned after an absence to try to make amends or offer help. 

They didn't or don't understand what was going on in my head. I didn't or don't understand what was going on in their's.

Best wishes - Mike
Title: Re: Friend Coming Back
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on May 27, 2017, 03:52:02 PM
Hi KK no I don't think it is wrong at all.  That's how you feel.  If you don't think you want her back in your life for whatever reason, I think that's valid.  There are people that if they apologized for what they have done I would gladly accept their apology but that doesn't mean they will be back in my life as before. 
Do you need her back in your life to be there for you?  Only you can answer those questions to yourself and then decide what you want.
As for the posting pics of hubby etc, do you think she did that to hurt you or was she just getting on with her life. 
Title: Re: Friend Coming Back
Post by: Bunny on June 03, 2017, 11:05:25 AM
I'm sorry I missed your post, so I can only guess from the two responses what it said. I'll share a bit and maybe it will help?

As is pretty usual, i lost a lot of people when my husband got diagnosed with cancer, and then some more when he died. But one of those people was one of my closest friends. She came to his death bed and apologized for ignoring us. Then around the first anniversary of his death she sent me a heartfelt letter apologizing for choosing to abandon me some more. She said I probably hated her and she'd understand if I didn't write back. The truth was I felt numb and ambivalent towards her and I never did respond. I still have no interest in rekindling that friendship.

I had another friend who stood by me all through my husband's cancer, but she was Super Not Helpful when I became widowed so I told her we needed to stop talking for a while. After almost a year we were able to resume our friendship and there is no lingering tensions whatsoever. Some friendships can be repaired and some can't. Honestly, I think of all those people as acquaintances now. And my actual friends, who were there for me (and my husband), I treasure even more now.

I might be an anolmly, though, as I've read one of the characteristics of a military brat is our excellent ability to cut people from our lives- much easier than the average person can. This 'skill' seems to have served me quite well in widowhood.
Title: Re: Friend Coming Back
Post by: KrypticKat on June 03, 2017, 04:21:03 PM post is gone. Huh. Well rather than rewrite it I'll say I appreciate all of your perspectives. The challenge with this friend is she was my maid of honor. And in the first 6 months I heard from her twice. 3 months in she bought the exact same car my husband died in. At 4 months she decided to bring him up at one of the few get together I'd managed to pull myself out to. She always seems to try and do the heart to heart in public where I have to use my all not to break down. Suddenly she's back and wanting to tag in but I'm also ambivalent about it. And now she's really being pushy. It's frustrating.
Title: Re: Friend Coming Back
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 03, 2017, 05:01:38 PM
If you decide to tag her in let her know how it's difficult for you to talk about DH at certain times and why. By the sound of it that may just scare her off again. I don't know but after what I've been through, and all of us here as well, I don't have much of a problem just being straight with what I need and if they don't like it that's fine by me.  I'm not flippant with them the way it may sound here but my tolerance for BS is pretty low.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do KK.
Hugs to you!
Title: Re: Friend Coming Back
Post by: Bunny on June 04, 2017, 08:53:30 AM
Ummmm...she bought the exact same kind of car your husband died in -3 months after his death, and likes to have the heart-to-heart conversations with you in public settings...Wtf? She is either supremely clueless or likes to create the drama. In either case, I'd suggest you spell out your boundaries very clearly -and keep repeating them as needed. Maybe do something kinda like I did and tell her you need some space for now? Seriously- why be around friends who are emotionally exhausting?
Title: Re: Friend Coming Back
Post by: KrypticKat on June 04, 2017, 06:36:17 PM
Yep. Same car. Right down to the color. Only seen it once and had to walk away because I had flashes of seeing my husband inside of it. I'm starting to think she's more clueless than anything...and possibly a little self involved. She's one of my longest standing friends so it really blows she'd let me down when it really counts. And now it feels like she's hoping I'll alleviate her guilt by going 'all good!'